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Young Writers Society


Three Troops - Chapter 2: Missing



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Sun Jan 09, 2011 2:33 pm
Aeropostale says...



Chapter 1: http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic74412.html
My next chapter in my saga!
Chapter 2: Missing

August 9th 1963, 0600 Hours
As the sun rises on our makeshift grass + branch tents, the tight grip of the cold night wind was released. Each one of my squadmates had their own tent that was camouflaged by the trees. We rested about 25 large, sappy branches against a tree, then we covered it with many, many leaves and grass blades. Then after that, we covered the tents with another 25 branches, and that kept the leaves in place as an insulation, that did not turn out very well.

We pummeled the side of our tents so we could get out. The door probably weighed around 50 lb.
Ben and I stepped out of our tents, waiting on Private James. He did not get out of his tent.
"PJ! Come on, it's an early day, I know, but we must get moving!", I called. No response.
As we approached the tent, we realized the door had been smashed in, not out, and James was gone. My blood ran cold and the hair on my neck stood up. I am sure Ben felt the same way.
As we searched the tent for any signs, a note, a ransom of some sort, all there was was his equipment. When we searched around the tent, we noticed there was about 6 feet printed into the grass, where the assailants were standing.

We followed the prints as they went over a small stone bridge and into a forest. There was a clear passage way through the forest, to a small village about half a mile away.

Passing through the woods again, kept me wide awake. I was fearing the NVAs would strike when we were not watching and slit our throats. I started to quicken my pace towards the tiny village as fear built up inside of me.
Ben was close behind, but starting to linger, so I slowed my self from running. There was still about a tenth of a mile til the end of the tunnel. An NVA had just walked into the passageway at a fast pace, so we dove into the bushes. It took a few minutes for him to walk past, to our campsite. Luckily, we brought all of our equipment, even James'.

We advanced on to the end of the tunnel by climbing through the woods. We avoided dry branches so that we would not make any commotion. Instead, we tossed ourselves through the wet half of the forest.
"How much further?" asked Ben.
"I am not sure, maybe a hundred feet."
We carried on sneaking through and we reached a small ditch. It smelled of burning skin. I wish I hadn't looked down. In that ditch, was a massive pile of scorched bones. Skulls, femurs, spines, and other human bones! Ben threw up to the left of me. We went around it and found the exit to the forest.

We found that the small village was populated with many NVAs.
Around us, we found a horrid sight. Slaves and former US Marines were being forced around by these insane men. We saw a large house that had a large carving that depicted crossed executioner axes. We went around to the back of the village and found our way to the house. It was made of old dried clay and straw.
When we peered through the window, we found James tied up. He had a gag in his mouth, and a gun to his head.
To be Continued...
Last edited by Aeropostale on Wed Jan 12, 2011 10:02 pm, edited 4 times in total.
  





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Sun Jan 09, 2011 4:15 pm
Mazey says...



Oooh, this is getting tight! You have a wonderful way of putting the setting in front of the readers. There's a flow about your writing that is absolutely perfect. It's like - you don't have a fear of progressing the chapter forward in your writing that most people have, which makes it all the better.

I'm scared for James (by the way, thank you for adding "Private" in front of his name!). What really scared me was how they found James's tent, but not the others' - did the NVA'S know that there were other tents, or did they not? This is what makes me anxious - in a suspenseful way, of course.

(P.S. - I knew what NVA meant from history class, but you might want to say Northern Vietnamese Army at least once, I'm sure there are others who don't know. I wouldn't know if we hadn't covered the Vietnamese War in history last semester XD. It's all just mechanical, so please don't think you're doing anything wrong with using the abbreviations, they're actually easier to use in the long run!)

Keep going, I'm ready for more... more, more more, muahahaha!

Cheers!

-Mazey
"Write what you want to read."
  





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Sun Jan 09, 2011 4:26 pm
Aeropostale says...



I added to the first chapter the description of an NVA.
  





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Tue Jan 11, 2011 2:29 am
Aeropostale says...



Chapter 3 is now out, if you would like to check it out! :)
I think it is the most action-packed chapter yet.
  





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Sat Jan 22, 2011 7:40 pm
Shearwater says...



Hey there! I'm back for another review. :3

So I had just a few areas that I want to discuss further with the writing part.
As the sun rises on our makeshift grass + branch tents, the tight grip of the cold night wind was released.

First of all, remember when I said that you shouldn't use any number symbols and write them all? Well, remember that when we write other chapters. I know the prologue was written afterward but keep it in mind. Also, the same applies to such things as the "+" symbol here. Use 'and' instead, otherwise the writing will seem quite unprofessional. =(
Ben and I stepped out of our tents, waiting on Private James. He did not get out of his tent.

I think that your wording still needs something extra. Remember the 'show' don't 'tell' idea that comes from writing. The more you 'show' us things the better engagement the reader will feel when reading your novel. Feel a part of it and like they're there instead of having the story be 'told' to them. Do you understand the difference there? :/ I'm not sure how much of a good explanation that was...

Anyway, I find it a tad bit strange that out of all the people they only took James. I guess they were trying to obtain some information from him on something...

The last thing I'm going to say for this chapter is to watch out for your pace. You're flying through this right now and you're leaving out such things as characterization and plot details. What makes this story? What's the core behind it all? It's a war story about a man getting revenge against the people who'd killed his father but what else is there? What kind of mindset does he have? Who are these friends of his and the emotions are vague and/or missing. I suggest slowing down and digging deeper in your characters and exploring their strengths and weaknesses and how they're actions are going to weave this story into something else.

Okay that's all for this chapter. I'll be off to the next chapter and possibly get a review done for that one too. ^.^
Let me know if you have any questions regarding anything that I've mentioned, I'll be happy to help out in any way I can.

Keep writing,
-Pink
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham
  








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