Young Writers Society

We were so much alike, yet so different. We both came from abuse, and never truly knew how to love until we found each other. Nobody could tell from the outside, but there was so much behind his beautiful tanned face. Stories, stories that involved tears, pain, hatred, and violence, haunted him. I liked to think about the past, compare it to the present. He liked to block out feelings and memories, other than the good ones. I was an outsider, hated by mostly everybody. He was loved by the public, always wanted. My dad and his parents never understood our love, or us ourselves. We were unloved by the people that were supposed to be close to us. I ripped off my black and white gloves, the ones he loved so much, and shoved them in my dresser. Furiously wiping away my tears, I finally let the vivid images flow through my head:

****
2 weeks ago

“Good morning, Hayley,” my boyfriend, Eli, grinned and kissed my temple. “Morning,” I murmured and leaned into his warm embrace. He took my hand and ran his thumb across my palm. “Come on, darling. It’s time for breakfast,” he whispered in my ear, encouraging me to get up. I rolled out of bed and rubbed my sleepy hazel eyes. He guided me through his house, finally arriving at the kitchen. The aroma of bacon and eggs drifted in the air and I smiled. He handed me a plate and sat down with me at the table. I stuffed a piece of bacon in my mouth and sighed happily. Eli’s house was always much better than mine. There were no fights between his parents, he always had food, and he actually had a room to himself. I shared a room with my older sister, Grace. She was always much prettier and better at everything. She had brunette curls, dark brown eyes, and tall legs. She always seemed to get the guys too. Eli was the only one for me though. Soon I was done with my food and he was washing the plate. “I have to go somewhere today,” he suddenly announced. “Where?” I asked, tilting my head to the side. He wiped his hands off after turning off the water. “To a friend’s house. Nothing to worry about, Hales. I won’t be gone but an hour or two. You can stay in my room if you like,” he suggested and sat down again. I brushed the crumbs off of my blue and purple striped pajama pants and stood up. “Fine, you can go. Be safe,” I murmured and kissed him passionately before skipping off to his bedroom. “Wait, Hales!” he called after me. I turned around to find him standing in front of me. His green eyes sparkled in the dim lighting. “Yeah?” I breathed, tucking a strand of my blond hair behind my ear. “I love you,” he whispered. “I love you too,” I mumbled and wrapped my arms around his neck. He kissed my shoulder and pulled me closer to him. “Bye, Hayley,” he sighed and kissed me once more before turning and leaving. I slowly made my way through the hallway, and collapsed on Eli’s bed when I got to his room. It still smelled of his sweet cologne. I took out my book and began reading, the rest of the world slowly fading away…

Three hours later, I was pacing throughout the house. Where was Eli? The sky outside was turning a murky gray color, warning that a storm was soon coming. Without Eli having a phone, there was no way of reaching him. Finally I decided what to do. I grabbed my black jacket off his desk chair, and shoved my feet into my black converse before storming out of the empty apartment. I didn’t know exactly where I was going, but I had a faint idea of where he was. I clenched my fists, not sure what to expect. Eli had once been in a gang, and some of the violence still clung to him. I approached the once inviting entrance to the creek, and slowly dodged the vines and rocks. Off in the distance, I heard a gun shot. Two more came after that. A high pitched squeal echoed through the trees. I ran as fast as I could, not caring that basically my whole body had gone numb. Soon I reached an open field, where Eli stood in front of his old gang, being held back by one of them. “Oh look, you brought us a little friend,” one of them snarled, and began walking towards me. “Don’t touch her!” Eli screamed and struggled against the guy holding him. I soon noticed where the squeal had come from. My best friend Cassie was laid near the gang, her bloody body sprawled across the dying grass. The guy grabbed my arm harshly and brought me over to his crew. “This is what you get for leaving us, Eli. Revenge is a sick thing, isn’t it?” the guy holding him snickered and pushed a knife against Eli’s neck. “Eli!” I cried and pushed my way through the crowd of people. Someone grabbed me from behind, and pushed a gun to my head. “Just let it happen. It’s bound to happen anyway,” the person whispered in my ear, sending chills up my spine. “No! I won’t let you do this!” I choked out and slipped from the guy’s arms, running towards Eli. But it was too late. It’s always too late. Blood seeped from his neck, and he dropped to the ground. I collapsed on the ground next to him and sobbed into his blood soaked shirt. Suddenly, a sharp pain pierced my back. “I love you, Eli,” I mumbled before the world turned black.

I woke up in a familiar setting- white walls and a sickening smell. A hospital. There was a distant beeping sound, and it hurt my head to hear it. My eyes slightly burned, and it was painful to breath. “Hayley! You’re awake!” I heard a voice sigh in content. I recognized the voice, but I couldn’t think of whom it belonged to. “Hayley, look at me sweetie,” the soft voice urged. I turned my head, but regretted it due to the sharp pain. Grace sat in the chair next to me. “Grace,” I whispered. “Shh, honey. Don’t strain your voice. You’re gonna be alright,” she murmured and took my hand. “Do you remember what happened last night?” she asked. I thought about it for a second. I shook my head. Then it came to me. The whole thing. Tears welled up in my eyes and I let them freely run down my face. “Where’s Eli?” I croaked. “I-I’m sorry Hayley… He’d already…passed when the police got there… Along with your friend Cassie…” she stuttered. The doctor walked in and smiled when he saw that I was awake. “Miss Winters, you were shot in the back and almost shattered your spine. Luckily, the person missed by a couple inches. You should be good in a week or two,” he explained. Nothing mattered. None of that did. I wished it had hit my spine. Maybe I’d be with Eli and my mother in the afterlife.

****

Hey Broken,
Welcome to YWS. This story was really good. I couldn't write this good when I was your age. I'm going to go ahead with the review. There isn't really that much to say, so I'm going to be pointing out comma mistakes and really small things.

XxBrokenxX wrote:. We both came from abuse, and never truly knew how to love until we found each other.
There shouldn't be a comma since the second clause is dependant.

Stories, stories that involved tears, pain, hatred, and violence, haunted him.
I don't think you need the list of nouns here. Tears make me think of pain, hatred of violence. You meant to make it dramatic, and you overshot it. Just pare it down to a couple of things.

My dad and his parents never understood our love, or us ourselves.
You don't need a comma in front of that conjunction. You only need commas there when you have to complete sentences on both sides.

One thing I wanted to say before I continued the review is, you have gigantic paragraphs. I'm going to indent where indents are needed.

“Good morning, Hayley,” my boyfriend, Eli, grinned and kissed my temple.

When two people are talking to each other, always indent when another person starts talking.

“Morning,” I murmured and leaned into his warm embrace. He took my hand and ran his thumb across my palm.

“Come on, darling. It’s time for breakfast,” he whispered in my ear, encouraging me to get up. I rolled out of bed and rubbed my sleepy hazel eyes. He guided me through his house, finally arriving at the kitchen. Why is she in his house? I don't know many parents who would let their children do that, so it's a little unrealistic.The aroma of bacon and eggs drifted in the air and I smiled. Here, there are two complete sentences combined with a conjunction. You need a comma before the and. He handed me a plate and sat down with me at the table.

Since you are know describing what she is doing, instead of what Eli is doing, you indent again.

I stuffed a piece of bacon in my mouth and sighed happily. Eli’s house was always much better than mine. There were no fights between his parents, he always had food, and he actually had a room to himself. I shared a room with my older sister, Grace.

Now you're describing Grace, so that would be a new paragraph.

She was always much prettier and better at everything. She had brunette curls, dark brown eyes, and tall legs. She always seemed to get the guys too. Eli was the only one for me though.

Soon Put a comma here, since you're describing when you were done. I was done with my food *comma* and he was washing the plate.

“I have to go somewhere today,” he suddenly announced.

“Where?” I asked, tilting my head to the side.

He wiped his hands off after turning off the water. “To a friend’s house. Nothing to worry about, Hales. I won’t be gone but an hour or two. You can stay in my room if you like,” he suggested and sat down again.

I brushed the crumbs off of my blue and purple striped pajama pants and stood up. “Fine, you can go. Be safe,” I murmured and kissed him passionately before skipping off to his bedroom.

“Wait, Hales!” he called after me. I turned around to find him standing in front of me. His green eyes sparkled in the dim lighting.

“Yeah?” I breathed, tucking a strand of my blond hair behind my ear.

“I love you,” he whispered.

“I love you too,” I mumbled and wrapped my arms around his neck.

He kissed my shoulder and pulled me closer to him. “Bye, Hayley,” he sighed and kissed me once more before turning and leaving.

I slowly made my way through the hallway, and collapsed on Eli’s bed when I got to his room. It still smelled of his sweet cologne. I took out my book and began reading, the rest of the world slowly fading away…

Three hours later, I was pacing throughout the house. Where was Eli?

The sky outside was turning a murky gray color, warning that a storm was soon coming. Without Eli having a phone, there was no way of reaching him. Finally *comma* I decided what to do. I grabbed my black jacket off his desk chair, You don't need this comma. and shoved my feet into my black converse before storming out of the empty apartment. I didn’t know exactly where I was going, but I had a faint idea of where he was. I clenched my fists, not sure what to expect.

Eli had once been in a gang, and some of the violence still clung to him.

I approached the once inviting entrance to the creek, *no comma* and slowly dodged the vines and rocks. Off in the distance, I heard a gun shot. Two more came after that. A high pitched squeal echoed through the trees.

I ran as fast as I could, not caring that basically I don't think you need basically here. my whole body had gone numb. Soon *comma* I reached an open field, where Eli stood in front of his old gang, being held back by one of them.

“Oh look, you brought us a little friend,” one of them snarled, *no comma* and began walking towards me.

“Don’t touch her!” Eli screamed and struggled against the guy holding him.

I soon noticed where the squeal had come from.

My best friend Cassie was laid near the gang, her bloody body sprawled across the dying grass.

The guy grabbed my arm harshly and brought me over to his crew. “This is what you get for leaving us, Eli. Revenge is a sick thing, isn’t it?” Capitalize the.the guy holding him snickered and pushed a knife against Eli’s neck.

“Eli!” I cried and pushed my way through the crowd of people. Someone grabbed me from behind, and pushed a gun to my head.

“Just let it happen. It’s bound to happen anyway,” the person whispered in my ear, sending chills up my spine.

“No! I won’t let you do this!” I choked out and slipped from the guy’s arms, running towards Eli. But it was too late. It’s always too late. What does that question mean? Blood seeped from his neck, and he dropped to the ground. I collapsed on the ground next to him and sobbed into his blood soaked shirt. Suddenly, a sharp pain pierced my back. “I love you, Eli,” I mumbled before the world turned black.

I woke up in a familiar setting- white walls and a sickening smell. A hospital. There was a distant beeping sound, and it hurt my head to hear it. My eyes slightly burned, and it was painful to breath.

“Hayley! You’re awake!” I heard a voice sigh in content. I recognized the voice, but I couldn’t think of whom it belonged to. “Hayley, look at me sweetie,” the soft voice urged. I turned my head, *no comma* but regretted it due to the sharp pain. Grace sat in the chair next to me.

“Grace,” I whispered.

“Shh, honey. Don’t strain your voice. You’re gonna be alright,” she murmured and took my hand. “Do you remember what happened last night?” she asked.

I thought about it for a second. I shook my head. Then it came to me. The whole thing. Tears welled up in my eyes *comma* and I let them freely run down my face. “Where’s Eli?” I croaked.
“I-I’m sorry Hayley… He’d already…passed when the police got there… Along with your friend Cassie…” she stuttered.

The doctor walked in and smiled when he saw that I was awake. “Miss Winters, you were shot in the back and almost shattered your spine. Luckily, the person missed by a couple inches. You should be good in a week or two,” he explained.
That doctor doesn't act very sympathetic. He's very to the point, and his dialouge is wooden. I don't think it's realistic.

Nothing mattered. None of that did. I wished it had hit my spine. Maybe I’d be with Eli and my mother in the afterlife.

Paragraphs are tricky things. Some of it's open to your own translation of your literature. You can play with it a little. Short paragraphs are okay. Just don't do that in essays that your teachers are going to read. They don't like one sentence paragraphs.
I'd brush up on your comma rules.
The story is interesting. As a first chapter it's a good hook.
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Megsug