We had established a careful balance between us. It wasn’t a friendship—Nico would never allow that—but we got along. Those first twenty-four hours, I’d been certain I’d never get used to Nico’s overpowering aura, but I barely noticed it by the end of the third day.
“I swear, if I didn’t have anyone to talk to, I’d go insane.” I commented to Nico on the seventh night. “After all this questioning, I’m not ever sure what I know: Am I Carmen? Do I have the answers to his questions?”
Nico had been stretching. Now he got up, fixing his eyes on an invisible person, kicking and doing fighting drills. I watched as he winced and a dark shadow crossed his face for a moment. Then he set his jaw and kicked again, viciously. “Well, if I’m your link to sanity, you know things are bad.” Wry humor colored his voice. Only in the past few days had he shown signs of a sense of humor, but it was slowly appearing. He was more relaxed around me now, too, instead of always on guard.
Nico kicked high and then low before his foot touched the ground and he launched forward with a back punch that caused him to wince again. He stopped moving and turned to face me. “They haven’t hurt you, have they?” His voice was a little tense.
I shook my head, working at a smile. Yes, they’d hurt me, but only through slaps and occasional punches. Nico already knew about that: when he said ‘hurt’, he meant something a lot worse, though I wasn’t sure about the specifics. “No, they haven’t.”
Nico nodded and returned to his drills. “It doesn’t matter if they have or haven’t really hurt you.” He remarked. His expression was marked with age beyond his years, age that sometimes receded and then returned. “It’s still enough to leave you scarred—for life.” For a moment, he glanced down at his chest. It was a habit of his to occasionally touch it and wince, and I couldn’t help wondering what he was hiding under his shirt. Whatever it was, I knew very well that he didn’t want to tell me.
It was times like these that killed me: I wanted so badly to ask the hundreds of questions I had, but I knew Nico wouldn’t answer them. He couldn’t, without letting me into his confidence. Instead, I shrugged. “Sometimes things change us for the better—they make us stronger.”
Nico smiled sadly, still moving with the pattern of his drills. “What doesn’t kill you…” He muttered. His next punch was so fast and crisp it was a blur, and the dark anger in his eyes made me realize for the thousandth time just how dangerous Nico could actually be.
I leaned against a wall and asked the question that had been bursting in my chest for the last week. “What did you do? To get in here, I mean.” Nico hit the air again, snapping two kicks off before stopping. When he turned to me, he was panting the tiniest bit.
Nico’s smile was appraising. “I can’t believe it took you this long to ask.” He commented. There was a joking light in his eyes.
I relaxed the tiniest bit, grateful for this lighter side of Nico. “I wasn’t sure I wanted to know.” I admitted, grimacing a little. There were so many answers Nico held that I’d almost been afraid that when I asked my questions, I wouldn’t be able to stop. Nico didn’t consider himself my friend or me his friend, but I did. I knew it was crazy and stupid, but I couldn’t help myself. We’d been cooped up together for a week, and somehow the long stretches of comfortable silences between said as much as the discussions in between.
Nico nodded. “Of course not.” He moved over to me and leaned against the wall as well. His stuck his hands in his dark jeans, watching me with those incredibly intense eyes. “I’m in here because they caught my team. We were stealing cargo off one of my targets boats to cause a diversion, so I could go in for the kill.” Nico tilted his face up towards the skylight and shook his slightly shaggy hair out of his eyes. “It was nighttime and I had someone on watch, but she couldn’t warn us in time. All of a sudden, the boat was flooded with lights—there were three cars surrounding it.”
Nico went silent. “How many were you?” I asked, trying to formulate some sort of image in my mind.
“There were four people with me: they all had favors to repay and I asked them to help. The scout was a volunteer, the cousin of one of the four.” Nico frowned, not looking at me. “The scout distracted them while my three comrades jumped into the water. They swam to another boat and were waiting for me to join them. But the scout…” Nico took a deep breath. “You have to see the image in your mind: three of us are trying to get away, on the other boat. The cargo we’d taken off was on a pickup truck, surrounded by two cars. The headlights of the cars made some areas really light while others stayed pitch dark. I was hidden in the darkness, but the scout was right in some light. She’s young—probably thirteen or so—and she was trapped, panicking. I made the decision not to leave her.”
By now, I knew what that really meant. It meant that Nico wouldn’t allow himself to leave her. “You went to help her?” If I’d learned one thing, it was that Nico had crazy courage. I’d see him give Matt and Kevin deadly, defiant glares when any normal person would be quaking in fear.
“It was inconvenient, but I decided to.” Nico’s voice was neutral.
“Bull. We both know that you didn’t think for a second about the convenience.” I retorted. A week ago I would have thought he’d been telling the exact truth—that he was a ruthless bastard who’d coolly calculated the pros and cons of his actions. But he couldn’t fool me anymore.
Nico locked eyes with me. His dark eyes were glittering, and the side of his face cast in light was strong. The set of his jaw told me everything before he even spoke. “I jumped from the boat and down onto the dock, grabbing the scout by her arm and hauling her back up. That’s when they started shooting.” Nico’s laugh was tense. “I thought a moment I was going to die.” It took a lot for him to admit that ‘weakness’, I knew.
“But you couldn’t allow that: not until you finished the hunt.” I said it for Nico, because I knew it was the truth.
He just shrugged. “I managed to push the scout onto the getaway boat before the men surrounded me. They’d stopped shooting, but their guns were aimed right at me. The others had no choice but to leave without me, unless they all wanted to be caught.”
I couldn’t think of anything to say. Nico had looked away from me, but now he looked back, trying to judge my reaction. I summoned a smile and a weak laugh. “I can’t decide whether to call that courage or insanity.” I told him.
Nico gave me a half smile that flickered and died the instant he realized he’d given it. Every single moment that he lowered his guard was a battle: I had to drag it out of him. “Courage and insanity often go hand in hand. She reminded me of my sister, though, so that’s probably insanity.” He looked appraisingly at me. “I think you’re crazy to want to be my friend.”
We both stiffened: me because he’d said the words, he because he’d let them slip. He spoke again. “I’ve told you what happens to my friends. That’s why I don’t make any.” His eyes burned at me, pained and strong and determined. “I’m sorry.”
I met his gaze steadily. “I’m your friend, whether you like it or not. The only question is whether you’re mine.”
“I don’t need anyone. Just forget the idea, Danielle. You’re not my friend, I’m not yours. Not in a million years.” Nico’s voice was hard.
I just shrugged. Over the past week, I’d learned to read Nico better and I’d gotten him to open up more to me. I’d also learned how to deal with him. So it was a win-win for me, a lose-lose for him. “Whatever you say.”
“Danielle…” There was a warning in the barely restrained passion of his voice. Anger, fear, denial.
“I’ll drop it.” I said simply.
“I’m a ruthless bastard, remember?”
“How could I forget?” I asked, looking him right in the eyes.
Nico cursed low, and then he moved fast. One second we were at a stalemate, the next I was pinned helplessly against the wall. My wrists were down by my sides, being held in Nico’s vice-like grip. His legs locked mine into position so that I couldn’t knee him or try to kick. When I tried to move, I couldn’t do it. “I have killed five men.” Nico hissed, right in my face. His eyes were narrowed ferociously at me.
“The last one had an ex-SEAL buddy who wasn’t at all happy with me. Right now, he’s on my tail, on Jenny’s tail. I don’t need another person to worry about.” Nico spoke low and fast, with a primal intensity that left me paralyzed. “I gave those men I killed merciful deaths, compared to what they did to my friends. Three of them sent me tapes. The other two sent me pictures and body parts. I kept tracking them, trying to catch up and save my friends. All of them kept me going: either working faster on what they wanted for me, or going farther into a territory that would make me vulnerable for them to kill me.”
Nico’s eyes were burning, swirling with pain and anger and fear. The grip he had on my wrists was painful, but I didn’t make a sound. I was mesmerized by his intensity. “My first two friends were taken together. I tried to bluff through the threat, turned down the deal their captor made. I got the film of one of them slowly being cut a week later: little stab wounds, chunks of flesh being taken out. Teeth being pulled out, nails too. He screamed and begged, but it did nothing. The other one watched before he was taken to pieces too.”
A shuddering breath released itself from Danielle’s chest. “God, I’m so sorry, Nico.”
Nico just shook his head, closing his eyes. “I killed the two men in charge of that operation. When my third friend was taken a year later, I accepted the deal immediately—anything to stop it from happening again. They wanted me to do a job no one else would do, go into a territory that was practically a war zone. I did what they told me too, brought them what they asked for. But I was injured and had to hide out in the area for three days before I got back with what they wanted. I had lots of mail: small packages.”
“Please tell me you didn’t open them.” I breathed. I couldn’t feel the pain in my wrists anymore.
“Fuck, of course I did. I had to. I had to see what being careless for a split second had done. The boxes were pieces. Fingers, teeth, an ear, a hand, on and on. Each one was dated and given a time: one for every three hours I’d been late. I contacted the man, told him I’d been delayed but had gotten the thing he wanted. I didn’t tell him I’d been to my apartment, seen the…seen the packages. He arranged to meet me, and I killed him too.”
“Jesus.” I wanted to reach up and touch Nico’s face, give him some comfort. But the grip on my wrists didn’t loosen.
“He took longer to kill. I wanted to know where my friend’s body was. He wouldn’t tell me, at first. The guy was an expert torturer, but I knew some of the knife-work basics. I got him to tell me, and then I shot him in the head. A mercy, instead of leaving him to bleed to death. God, I’m such a…three of my friends dead, three murderers dead. But I’d become a monster.”
It seemed like everything Nico had never said was spilling out now. There were tears—tears—in his eyes, but he didn’t let them fall. He just stared at me, keeping me pinned against the wall. “The fourth one came only a few months after that. I’d distanced myself from everyone by then, and this one friend kept coming back, telling me he wasn’t going to abandon ship. I kept telling him to get lost, if he wanted to live. It was no secret what had happened to the others. When he was taken…lord, I thought I’d go mad.”
Nico shuddered, the movement going down his body and through mine. “I looked everywhere. Telephoned everyone I knew. The guy sent me pictures, clues. He wanted to lure me in, wanted me to find him so he could kill me. I tried everything. I offered a trade, anything. Not another one dead.” Nico’s voice broke.
“I found him, eventually. My friend told me not to come, told me I’d get myself killed. I was half out of my mind, and I didn’t listen. There was a fight when I got there: my friend was still alive and well, and when the fight turned bad for me, he jumped in. He died to protect me, a second before I squeezed the trigger and killed the bastard who took him.”
Nico was shaking now. The look in his eyes was unbearable. “Nico…god. Fuck, Nico. That shouldn’t have happened. Not to you, not again. Not to anyone, goddamn it!” We were silent for a moment, and Nico leaned his head forward. He rested his forehead on the cool cement next to me, eyes closed. I turned my head and saw a tear fall. “Nico, let me go. Let me hold you.” I tried to pull my wrists out of his hands. I couldn’t stand being right here, unable to take any of the pain.
“I don’t need anybody.” He whispered fiercely. He pulled back and stared me in the eyes, and all I could see was rage and determination and refusal to admit weakness.
“Damn it, Nico, you do. Let me take some of the pain. Please. You’re not invincible. You’re strong, but you don’t have to be that way all the time.”
He just shook his head. “Five months after James died, Jenny was taken. I’d done everything I could to protect her, but it wasn’t enough. An associate of the guy I’d killed wanted the same thing he had: me, dead. So he used the same technique. I got tapes of Jenny tied up, Jenny beaten, Jenny being hurt. I told him it had to end. I told him I didn’t care what he did to me, as long as he let Jenny go.”
“I found her quickly, and the guy panicked. He tried to run, and I followed. I was on the hunt, but for something more important than ever before. She was the only one left. She’s still the only one left. I cornered him, killed him. But not before I got the information I wanted about him out. I’d found out where his family was beforehand, and I tortured him the same way he tortured me: I told him how I’d kill them all, make his wife and children suffer infinitely before they died. I didn’t do a thing to torture him physically. Just tied him to a chair and talked. He was pleading, offering me anything to spare them.”
“Did you…” I couldn’t ask the question. I felt numb from the raw force of pain Nico was releasing.
A ragged gasp escaped him. He was silent for a moment, seeming to collect himself. My stomach coiled. Oh god no, Nico… This last week had changed me: I could understand why he’d killed the men who’d killed his friends, but to hurt the family…
“No.”
Relief bottomed out in my stomach as he continued. “I contacted them and told them where the body was, so they’d have closure. And I’d killed him peacefully: knocked him out with a drug and then injected him with painless stuff. I did it because I knew he had a family, and I wanted him to be…I didn’t want him to look like a mess. His wife would have to identify his body, and I wanted it to seem like he could just be sleeping. Not the way…” Nico’s breath hitched. “Not like I found them. My friends. Butchered or bloody. No. The last man went through the worst, but it was all mental for him. The only reason he’d ever believed I’d go through with what I threatened was because he’d been prepared to do the same. But I couldn’t, didn’t even think about it.”
“Too much blackness rots the soul.” I whispered, staring at Nico’s beautiful face, at the broken boy who’d been through hell and back four times.
Nico nodded, his eyes closed. Then he released his grip on my wrists, leaving white marks. My hands tingled as blood rushed back into them, but I barely noticed. Nico stepped back, turned away from me. He was looked at the wall when he spoke. “Trust me when I tell you I’m a monster. I killed them because if I didn’t they’d try again with someone else. I did it because if I didn’t, people would continue to do the same to me because it worked. But I became a killer. Look at how easy it was for me to restrain you. Like pinning down a butterfly. You were helpless. I can’t let it…it’ll never happen again.” He sounded angry and drained at the same time. His back was still to me, and he whispered the last words. “You and I can never be friends.”
Broken.
~~~
Nico POV
Darkness had fallen again. Danielle was lying on her back, eyes closed and breathing evenly. She was asleep, finally.
I watched her from where I was sitting against one of the walls. She held herself differently now: even in sleep she looked ready to spring up at the slightest sign of danger. Fear has a way of doing that. Physically, she was also different: she’d always been thin, now she was skinny. Her light blond hair was tangled, and there were bruises on her arms and face.
I thought of Matt and Kevin, and all I knew that Danielle was lucky: she’d been hurt, but not badly. They hadn’t done any knife-work. I frowned now, thinking about it. If they’d really believed she was Carmen, they’d have done anything and everything to get what they wanted out of her: where was Jenny? Who were the other people I was close to?
And that meant one thing: they were going to use Danielle instead, for now.
What do I care? I asked myself fiercely, staring at her as she slept, peaceful but for the small furrow in her brow. She’s not anything. An inconvenience, right now.
And I wanted to believe that. I had managed to convince myself at first, but within the first two days, I knew that wasn’t the case. Damn me to hell and back, I was thinking of Danielle as a friend.
I got up carefully and quietly, moving over to where Danielle was. Something caught my eye, something I hadn’t noticed this evening: new bruises, around her wrists. I frowned, kneeling to look at one arm. It took me a second to realize that the bruises were in the shapes of squeezing hands, another one to carefully wrap my hand over one of the bruises.
Perfect match.
Fuck. I released her wrist and rocked back on my heels, looking at Danielle’s sleeping form. She hadn’t said a word to me about her wrists, though I must have been hurting her. No, all I’d seen in her eyes when I’d lost control and told her everything was sympathy. Sorrow, horror, understanding, anger. Where had the fear gone? I’d felt it and seen it that first day with her, but then it was gone. She wasn’t scared of me, even when I’d told her my horror story.
It hadn’t been what I was expecting. I’d expected horror, fear and disgust. I’d expected her to recoil and forget about even trying to have anything to do with me. And then when she hadn’t, I’d known for sure. Somehow, insanely, we’d bonded in the last week. We were stuck together.
And that meant that no matter what, I had to make sure she stayed safe. You just couldn’t stay scared and away, could you?
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