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Young Writers Society


Angel and Demon~Chapter One



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Sat Feb 12, 2011 7:40 pm
GrenadeCatcher says...



Even though the sun was shining brightly, Saraphina shivered. She felt naked, broken and out of place. She ignored the glances she was getting and kept her eyes set on a spot in the distance. Her pure white dress that stopped above the knee was fluttering wildly along with her dark brown hair in a burst of wind. Suddenly, she stopped. She strained her highly trained ears to hear past the sound of the busy streets and rushing people. There it was. That laugh mixed in with the unmistakable click of heels. She broke into a run, her white ballet shoes slapping against the pavement.

Remember the mission. Find her. Freeze her. Bring her back, she thought.

The sound led her to the entrance of an old abandoned subway, some twenty miles away from the busy street she had come from. She was in the bad part of town. Sounds of people dealing and drinking floated into her ears. She tried her hardest to ignore them.

So this is what he must hear every day….Saraphina thought with empathy. But now was not the time for wandering thoughts, so her attention turned back to the boarded up subway.

“Dear heavenly Father, I request your approval to use my powers, sparingly, in the name of all that is good,” with her head bent, she recited these words until a tingling sensation erupted in her fingertips.

“Thank you my Father.”

With her palm facing the wood, she focused all her energy into transferring it from her hand to the boards. An earsplitting crack exploded in the calm afternoon. Saraphina ignored the noise and stepped through the new hole in the subway entrance.

“Dear heavenly Father, I request your approval to use my powers, to fight in a battle for the Heavens and all that is angelic, in the name of all that is good.” The tingling came quicker this time.

“Thank you my Father,” she spoke barely more than a whisper.

Her shoes muffled her footsteps as she walked down the cemented subway. She tried her hardest not to make the slightest of noise. Even though she was an angel, and she was trained not to feel emotion that can affect your missions, her heart thumped in her chest and her palms were sweating tremendously. She longed for her wings, to feel them flutter comfortingly, their warmth and energy, their magic. She was tired of requesting the use of magic and the strange feeling in her hands. But she pushed forward, deeper and deeper into the subway. As the clicking stopped, Saraphina’s palms got sweatier. She raised her hand and readied herself for the battle ahead of her.

“Boo,” came a voice from behind her. Saraphina swiveled on the balls of her feet. Standing there with a hand on her hip was Thedi. She wore a shiny red dress and black pumps. Her angelic blonde hair flowed perfectly, and her eyes simmered at a deadly red color. She stood intimidatingly with her hands on her hips.

“You look surprised. I can do anything! Or did your ‘father’,” she made quotations with her fingers, “not tell you about me. I’m Thedi- The devil!-I can do whatever I want.”

“Thedi, you’re free to do what you want but there will be punishments. We’re all watching you. You can’t get away with what you’re doing-what you plan to do!” Saraphina did her best to keep her voice steady, but it cracked at the end.

“Sara, what…”

“It’s Saraphina. You should know that, you know everything don’t you?” Thedi’s eyes got slinty.

Saraphina, what are you going to do about it?” Saraphina didn’t even hesitate; she raised her palm.

“So, it’s a war you want? Well you’re about to get one,” she raised her own manicured hand; her palm was glowing bright orange. Saraphina steadied herself, and let the energy flow out of her palm. A bright white light exploded in the room. She stood ready still as the smoke cleared. When it finally did, she gasped.

“Oh my…”
Love is all you need (Babadada)
Hide yo wife! Hide yo children! Hide yo HUSBAND! They rapin EVERYBODY out there!
  





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Mon Feb 21, 2011 5:17 am
purplegirl14 says...



Your story is really good. It's very original and inventive. You have very creative names. The details are in depth, but not to much. The only thing I noticed that you might want to fix is that after you finish a quote, sometimes there were commas when there should have been a period and a new sentence. I really like it. Keep it up!
  





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Sun Feb 27, 2011 12:15 pm
Lava says...



Hi there!

So, this is an interesting start. I'd like to see where it ends. Also; a long while back, one of my characters was called Seraphina. :D

The first thing I notice is that your description should be improved. Think about describing the moods, the atmosphere, the emotions, the little gestures that help build a character. And, you can work on 'showing' rather than telling your story.

And, for me, the way you put the angel vs. demon so obvious is a little unnerving. Like the ballet shoes and pumps. Try going for subtlety. Not the colour of the clothes and outward appearance. Make their personalities come out more.

Hope to have helped. ^^
~Lava
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.

  








You, who have all the passion for life that I have not? You, who can love and hate with a violence impossible to me? Why you are as elemental as fire and wind and wild things...
— Gone With the Wind