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chapter 1of my book



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Sun Dec 10, 2006 6:44 pm
blackwings_angel says...



In the school room number 372, in west valley high, Simon Peters, was having a conversation with his science teacher Mr. Waltz.

“I don’t know how it froze it just did, honestly I followed the directions to the exact.” Simon said, trying to be redeemed from a crime he didn’t commit. In the lab they did today in class, instead of his chemicals reacting and immediately turning into a gas, Simon’s chemicals, to the surprise of everyone’s, including the teachers, froze. The flask that had the chemicals in it was now sitting on Mr. Waltz’s desk, still frozen solid.

“Even if you didn’t follow the directions there is no possible way it would have frozen, it could have exploded, yes, but froze? That’s impossible for either of these chemicals. I have a good reason to believe you brought a foreign chemical into this experiment and did this because you thought it would be funny.” Mister Waltz said. “Well its not.” The elderly man brushed his balding head of hair, or what was left of it, over to the right, something the students recognized as the “the sign of solitary,” Solitary detention was something that no one wanted to be stuck with.

“Mr. Waltz, I didn’t do anything. I did just what the sheet said. Isn’t there anyway for you to prove I didn’t do anything.” Simon said, almost begging, knowing that this was his last chance.

“Oh, trust me Mr. Peters, I know these kinds of tricks, some chemicals make themselves impossible to detect when boiled, melted, or frozen, well I’m not falling for that trick.” And with that he gave Simon detention.

As Simon left room 372 he was met by his friends who had waited for him, seeing that all three of them walked. They had overheard Mr. Waltz give Simon detention, how couldn’t they? Mr. Waltz was known by the students as Siren Salts, because all he did was either sweat or yell.
T.J. Kane and Emma Baxter, Simon’s two best friends, tried to cheer him up, knowing how his parents reacted to detentions. In Simon’s house, a detention was like toxic waste; it immediately is extremely dangerous, yet is extremely hard to get rid of too. Simon might get grounded for, three four weeks for a single detention.

“This is NOT going to be a fun night at my house.” Simon said staring at his black and white skater DC’s. His baggy khaki pants lightly hung over his shoes, His brown hair hardly draped over his green eyes, which were drilling holes into the ground.
“Dude, I so would hate to be you. I like to live.” T.J, as always, his consistent smile faded away to a smirk. His blondish red hair looked so weird against his blue eyes. His face was covered in freckles, and his 5’2” body always had short sleeves on, whether December or July, it didn’t matter to him.
“It’s easy for you to say. Today broke my year without a detention streak and we aren’t even in the third quarter of the school year yet! My parents are going to kill me,” Simon declared “goodbye cruel world!”
As they walked out the front door, Emma had the perfect idea on how to cheer him up. Everyone knew that Simon liked a girl from there school named Alex Corfu, who just so happened to be good friends with Emma.

“Simon, wait for a second OK? I’ll be back in a second. T.J. stay here too.” Emma ran off, her dirty blonde hair flowing behind her. Simon stared gawking at her as she left. Over the 15 years that he and Emma had been friends she had changed quite a bit. He remembered when some kid in first grade had called her ugly. He had to admit she wasn’t the cutest little girl; actually she kind of looked like a boy with long hair when she was younger. But now she was different, and Simon knew he wasn’t the only one who had noticed it. Simon knew how much T.J. liked Alex, and for all Simon cared, he could have Alex. His liked another person, he liked Emma.
Simon wasn’t surprised when Emma came back with Alex; she had stopped right in front of her house. T.J. who was standing next to Simon, felt the blood rush to his face. Alex Corfu, one of the prettiest girls he had ever seen, was standing right in front of him!
“I think my heart skipped a beat.” T.J. thought to himself. He looked down at his shoes, hoping that Alex hadn’t noticed he was blushing. When he felt his face cool he raised his head to find Emma and Simon talking and Alex just standing there. Now was his chance. Now was his time to shine, so like any kid would do, he turned his head back down and kept looking at the ground. After a couple of minutes passed a little voice inside of T.J’s head started urging him to make a move. Even though Simon didn’t think he knew about his crush on Emma, he did. It was kind of obvious. T.J. thought that being a good friend and all he and Alex would have an excuse to talk ahead of them. So, after finally getting up the nerve to say hi, they stared walking again, towards Simon’s house. When Emma noticed that T.J. and Alex were walking together she started laughing. Emma, was the only one who knew about Alex’s little crush on Timothy James Kane. Simon realized what had occurred and laughed along. Simon told Emma about T.J.’s crush on Alex. Then, noticing that Alex and T.J. were getting pretty far ahead of them, they too started walking. As they walked Simon notice out of the cloudy sky a little bit of light broke through. “Maybe my life’s like that too.” He thought smiling to himself.

T.J. also had noticed the light coming through the clouds, yet he saw something Simon didn’t see, something was up there that had glittered in the sun and reflected into his eyes. “It must just be a shiny plane.” thought T.J. yet he had a strange feeling welling up inside of himself. T.J. had a gut feeling something terribly wrong was going to happen soon, and gut feelings never lie.
  





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Tue Dec 19, 2006 8:58 pm
Teague says...



Do you have a title for your book? Just curious.
If there's one major suggestion I have to make, it's to work on your sentence fluency. Some sentences are ill-formed and disjointed, and those need fixing. I'll point out some below:


blackwings_angel wrote:In the school room number 372, in west valley high, Simon Peters, was having a conversation with his science teacher Mr. Waltz.

Capitalise West Valley High (name of the school, therefore a proper noun) and kill the comma after "Peters" and add one after "teacher."

“I don’t know how it froze it just did, honestly I followed the directions to the exact.” Simon said, trying to be redeemed from a crime he didn’t commit. In the lab they did today in class, instead of his chemicals reacting and immediately turning into a gas, Simon’s chemicals, to the surprise of everyone’s, including the teachers, froze. The flask that had the chemicals in it was now sitting on Mr. Waltz’s desk, still frozen solid.

Waaaay too many commas here. Here's my suggestion:

"I don't know how it froze, it just did!" Simon said, trying to be redeemed for a crime he didn't commit. In the lab they did today his chemicals, instead of reacting immediately and becoming a gas, Simon's chemicals froze, to everyone's surprise. The flask, still frozen, was now sitting on Mr. Waltz's desk. "Honestly. I followed the directions to the exact."

Change as you please, that's my two cents though.

“Even if you didn’t follow the directions there is no possible way it would have frozen, it could have exploded, yes, but froze?

There should be a comma after "directions" and a semicolon after "frozen."

“Well its not.” The elderly man brushed his balding head of hair, or what was left of it, over to the right, something the students recognized as the “the sign of solitary,” Solitary detention was something that no one wanted to be stuck with.

It's is a contraction, meaning it needs a apostrophe, and the comma after "the sign of solitary" should be a period, and maybe capitalised as well, as in Sign of Solitary. That's a personal style thing, though. I like this paragraph a lot, disregarding those errors.

“Mr. Waltz, I didn’t do anything. I did just what the sheet said. Isn’t there anyway for you to prove I didn’t do anything.” Simon said, almost begging, knowing that this was his last chance.

The only thing wrong with this bit is that any way is two words when used this way.

“Oh, trust me Mr. Peters, I know these kinds of tricks, some chemicals make themselves impossible to detect when boiled, melted, or frozen, well I’m not falling for that trick.” And with that he gave Simon detention.

"Trust me" needs a comma after it, and this can be broken into three sentences by placing periods after "tricks" and "frozen."

As Simon left room 372 he was met by his friends who had waited for him, seeing that all three of them walked. They had overheard Mr. Waltz give Simon detention, how couldn’t they? Mr. Waltz was known by the students as Siren Salts, because all he did was either sweat or yell.

This is where this starts to feel like an information dump. Mr. Waltz strikes me as a minor character, so he doesn't need that last bit of description in this paragraph. Also, the first sentence is awkward. My suggestion:

Simon met his friends as he left room 372. They had waited for him so that all four of them, including Simon, could walk home together.
Or something along those lines.

“This is NOT going to be a fun night at my house.” Simon said staring at his black and white skater DC’s. His baggy khaki pants lightly hung over his shoes, His brown hair hardly draped over his green eyes, which were drilling holes into the ground.

Comma after "said." The description of his clothes and hair are both awkward and need to be reworded. My suggestion:

His baggy khaki pants hung loosely from his waist, his brown hair drpaed over his green eyes, which were drilling holes in the ground.
Or also something along those lines.

“Dude, I so would hate to be you. I like to live.” T.J, as always, his consistent smile faded away to a smirk. His blondish red hair looked so weird against his blue eyes. His face was covered in freckles, and his 5’2” body always had short sleeves on, whether December or July, it didn’t matter to him.

Rather awkward paragraph. Hyphenate "blondish-red" and add "it was" after "whether." Also, the sentence after T.J.'s dialogue is poorly worded.
"Blah," T.J. said. His constant smile gave way to a smirk.
I think you catch my drift by now.

“It’s easy for you to say. Today broke my year without a detention streak and we aren’t even in the third quarter of the school year yet! My parents are going to kill me,” Simon declared “goodbye cruel world!”
As they walked out the front door, Emma had the perfect idea on how to cheer him up. Everyone knew that Simon liked a girl from there school named Alex Corfu, who just so happened to be good friends with Emma.

No real changes or improvements to make here, except there should be a period after "declared" and "goodbye" should be capitalised.

“Simon, wait for a second OK? I’ll be back in a second. T.J. stay here too.” Emma ran off, her dirty blonde hair flowing behind her. Simon stared gawking at her as she left. Over the 15 years that he and Emma had been friends she had changed quite a bit. He remembered when some kid in first grade had called her ugly. He had to admit she wasn’t the cutest little girl; actually she kind of looked like a boy with long hair when she was younger. But now she was different, and Simon knew he wasn’t the only one who had noticed it. Simon knew how much T.J. liked Alex, and for all Simon cared, he could have Alex. His liked another person, he liked Emma.

Comma after "friends." I also recommend you lose "he liked Emma" and change the start of that sentence to "he."

Simon wasn’t surprised when Emma came back with Alex; she had stopped right in front of her house. T.J. who was standing next to Simon, felt the blood rush to his face. Alex Corfu, one of the prettiest girls he had ever seen, was standing right in front of him!

No suggestions here. Good job.

“I think my heart skipped a beat.” T.J. thought to himself. He looked down at his shoes, hoping that Alex hadn’t noticed he was blushing. When he felt his face cool he raised his head to find Emma and Simon talking and Alex just standing there. Now was his chance. Now was his time to shine, so like any kid would do, he turned his head back down and kept looking at the ground. After a couple of minutes passed a little voice inside of T.J’s head started urging him to make a move. Even though Simon didn’t think he knew about his crush on Emma, he did. It was kind of obvious. T.J. thought that being a good friend and all he and Alex would have an excuse to talk ahead of them. So, after finally getting up the nerve to say hi, they stared walking again, towards Simon’s house. When Emma noticed that T.J. and Alex were walking together she started laughing. Emma, was the only one who knew about Alex’s little crush on Timothy James Kane. Simon realized what had occurred and laughed along. Simon told Emma about T.J.’s crush on Alex. Then, noticing that Alex and T.J. were getting pretty far ahead of them, they too started walking. As they walked Simon notice out of the cloudy sky a little bit of light broke through. “Maybe my life’s like that too.” He thought smiling to himself.

Comma after "beat." Also, it seems to me as if Simon is your main character, and switching between the two without a clear break irritates me. Personal preference, really. Nothing on your writing style. I like the thing about the light, as well.

T.J. also had noticed the light coming through the clouds, yet he saw something Simon didn’t see, something was up there that had glittered in the sun and reflected into his eyes. “It must just be a shiny plane.” thought T.J. yet he had a strange feeling welling up inside of himself. T.J. had a gut feeling something terribly wrong was going to happen soon, and gut feelings never lie.

Good foreshadowing. Comma after T.J. and before "yet." And yes, it's fine to go T.J., Nothing wrong with that.

Work on your sentence fluency. I'm not sure where this is going, but I'm interested. I'd like to read more.

Hope I helped some, and didn't sound like a fire-breathing dragon. :D

-St. Razorblade
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Thu Dec 21, 2006 11:46 pm
piepiemann22 says...



Nicely done. This sounds better as a chapter 1 than a prolouge anyway. keep up the good wok.
I will always fight back, no matter what.
  








"The rules of capitalization are so unfair to the words in the middle of a sentence."
— John Green, Paper Towns