Young Writers Society

"Shadows have stalked my every move. I feel as though I am not alone. The crows that once followed my father now follow me. I am starting to dread my very existence." From the diary of Tairen Zyiack, January 15th 1352.

Tairen trudged over another snowy hill, his feet numb, and going black. The frostbite was getting intense and it seemed to Tairen as though dieing must be more comfortable than walking was. Something had hurt since he had to leave his mother behind. Either his heart or his feet. The thought of his mother brought tears to his eyes once again. Almost bad enough to a point where he could not tell where the ground was and where the sky was. White became blue and blue became white. Tairen slipped on a sheet of ice, tumbling down the hill. Powder flew around him, his body throbbing with pain. Tairen kept sliding until he got to the woods. The woods that he once loved as a child. A woods that was once evergreen. now stood ever-dark, crows flooding the branches of the magnificant pine trees. Tairen knew these woods like the back of his hand. He also remembered the edge of the woods was where the blackberry bushes were! He sheilded his face from the frozen prickers, each lined with ice, making them longer sharper and harder. His leather tunic tore along with the skin on his arms and lower legs. When tairen made it through the bushes, he opened his eyes and winced in pain. His arms and legs were torn up and dark blood started to ooze. "At least the blood is warm." Tairen thought to himself. He staggered to his feet, wobbling a little on his frost-bitten toes. He hobbled forward, wincing with every step. A crow sounded in the distance and something behind him made a loud thump. He spun around, his hand at the handle of his blade. Nothing was behind him. Tairen relaxed, "It was probably just the bushes broken branches hitting the ground." He hobbled deeper and deeper into the woods, his hands both cherishing the warmth of the blood, and slowing its flow.

After a few hours, Tairen slowly came to a stop. his breathing was heavy and he began to weeze. He turned around to study his path. Each step he took left a red indent in the snow, and it went back as far as Tairen could see. Tairen winced as a harsh wind blew past him, snowflakes entering his open wound. Tairen dropped to his knees, taking a break. His legs had had enough. Another wind whipped at Tairen's neck, "Not now." Tairen said. Witches were the one thing Tairen didn't need right now. He didn't need any witches, and he surely didn't need anymore snow. A cackle sounded in the distance. "Noo," Tairen moaned standing up. He turned to his footprints one last time. Something about them was wrong, and he didn't mean his hobbling pace or the blood. No, their was something else. He kneeled by his foot print and looked at it closely. At the bottom of his footprint he noticed something. Their was another print their was well. It resembeled the print of a fox. It looked just about the right size. Tairen looked to his left and his right. Their were no trails to either side. The fox had come from behind him. Tairen swirled around and looked forward. He saw no foxprints, just a few of his one. Tairen stood up. He knew that elves could posses the animals, and no one really knew what side the elves were on, and anyone who found out was never seen again. Tairen did not want to find out. He hobbled back a few feet, looking at each print. They all had the foxes print in them. Tairen looked around frightened. He was being stalked, either by someone, or something.He looked towards the trees and the bushes. No prints led anywhere but on his. He looked at his boot, hoping it may be some kind of design the shoemaker from Lorin put on all his shoes. He pulled at his boot, it came off sending Tairen into a somersault. When Tairen looked at the boot he noticed the bottom was bare, he was not leaving those prints. he shoved his boot on and got to his feet. He started to hobble, slowly at first then faster and faster. He glanced behind his shoulder repeatdly, never seeing anything but his own shadow. The crows overhead cawed viciously, flying away as Tairen rushed under them. Tairen's legs were throbbing with pain. He ran a few feet further and collapsed, giving up on life and asking his mother for fogiveness. His eyes started to flutter shut when he noticed a figure out of th ecorner of his eye. A fox, one whose pelt was charcoal black with a white embellishment on its chest that almost looked like a cresent moon. Tairen had never seen an animal like it. He doubted he would ever see another one like it since his life was soon to end. The beast walked towards him, Tairens eyes growing smaller and smaller into slants. The fox was almost directly above Tairen when his eyes closed and he fell into an abyss of darkness, never again expecting to be awoken. The fox, on the otherhand, had seperate plans for Tairen, and death was not in his agenda. Tairen would live to see another day, if he liked it or not.

Tairen trudged over another snowy hill, his feet numb, and going black.

His feet are turning black? Somehow I don't believe that.

and it seemed to Tairen as though dieing

It's "dying".

Almost bad enough to a point where he could not tell where the ground was and where the sky was.

This is. A fragment. Naughty. Choppy.

Tairen slipped on a sheet of ice, tumbling down the hill. Powder flew around him, his body throbbing with pain.

You might join these two sentences with a semi-colon. It would flow more easily and emphasize the suddenness of the event.

The woods that he once loved as a child.

This is also a fragment. Dramatic as they may seem, they rarely read well or sound good.

A woods that was once evergreen. now stood ever-dark, crows flooding the branches of the magnificant pine trees.

Did you mean to say, "A wood that was once evergreen now stood ever-dark, crows flooding the branches of the magnificent pine trees"?
I like the whole thing going back to the crows with the diary entry. I also like the imagery and the lovely way that you phrased it: "flooding the branches". The word magnificent is unnecessary.

He also remembered the edge of the woods was where the blackberry bushes were!

Exclamation points, like fragments, rarely work unless used in dialogue. A simple period will do.

He sheilded his face from the frozen prickers, each lined with ice, making them longer sharper and harder.

Two things: 1) It's shielded, and 2) you need some punctuation if you're going to make a list (longer, sharper, and harder) but that part is unnecessary. Most people are probably going to figure out that if a pricker is lined with ice, it's certainly not going to make it any more agreeable.

When tairen made it through the bushes, he opened his eyes and winced in pain.

You probably want to capitalize his name. Simple typo, I'm sure. Also, when did he close his eyes? I know he shielded his face, but I thought he'd at least want to keep his eyes open.
Also, you use the word "wincing" a few sentences later. It's too repetitive; get a thesaurus.

Tairen relaxed, "It was probably just the bushes broken branches hitting the ground."

Put a period instead of a comma after "relaxed".

his breathing

Cap "his". It's the beginning of a sentence. Again, simple typo, easily fixed.

Each step he took left a red indent in the snow, and it went back as far as Tairen could see. Tairen winced as a harsh wind blew past him, snowflakes entering his open wound. Tairen dropped to his knees, taking a break. His legs had had enough. Another wind whipped at Tairen's neck, "Not now." Tairen said. Witches were the one thing Tairen didn't need right now.

That quote contains seven sentences. You use his name in six of them. We're not talking about more than one person, so you can use the pronoun "he" instead of the name.

Their was another print their was well.

Use "there", not "their". "Their" is possessive. "There" indicates a location.

He pulled at his boot, it came off sending Tairen into a somersault.

This is a comma splice. Connect the two parts with "and" or a semi-colon, or make them into two separate sentences. Also, put a comma after "off".

When Tairen looked at the boot he noticed the bottom was bare, he was not leaving those prints. he shoved his boot on and got to his feet.

Goodness me, another comma splice! Put a semi-colon after "bare". And capitalize that "he" that begins the second sentence.

A fox, one whose pelt

I'm not entirely sure about this, but the word "pelt" seems to me like a description of an animal's fur after it has died and been...skinned...for its fur...ick.

The fox, on the otherhand, had seperate plans for Tairen, and death was not in his agenda.

"Other hand" is two separate words. Also, find a different word for agenda. It doesn't go with the overall tone of this piece. Use "plans" or "on his mind".


Most of the problems with this piece are due to careless typing (I know what that's like!) and not re-reading. Simply revise this for spelling and grammar (and take out half of the times you say his name) and it'll be 300% better. The story really captivated me. I want to know what happens. You say this is Chapter 2? Perhaps I'll go read Chapter 1...

Colleen

I think cadminium caught it all I have one comment though: try making more paragraphs (they are too long. Reread them and you will see that the beginning usually had no link with the ending of it).
Also, you have a habbit of giving informations to fast. If you slow down a bit, nothing will happen.

Another thing: you have 'ones' in your thread topis. Change it to 'one's'. It will look better.