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Chapter 3 of innocence {draft two}



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Sun Dec 24, 2006 1:57 am
blackwings_angel says...



"My world has been turned upside down. I feel as though I have fell into the rabbit's hole, and Alice is nowhere near to catch me. The rabbit of this story, though seems to be black." From the diary of Tairen Zyiack, January 18 1352

When Tairen awoke he saw a boy. He wore a Dark tunic, his black hair shading his almost black eyes. His pale skin looked white against his draping cloak, black as night. The snowflakes falling slowly made it look as though the boy actually had cut it out of the sky and tailored it into a cloak. He had a blade from his waist, It too was black. Tairen sat up rubbing his temples. The boy leaned against a stump, they were not where Tairen last remembered being. He also remembered a black fox, not a boy drenched in shadows.

"Hello friend," the boy said, smiling widely, his bright white teeth glittering under the moon's light.

"Hello?" Tairen responded, he was not sure if the boy was a friend or foe. "Who are you? and are you an elf? You must be the one that made that fox follow me!" Tairen said, putting his hand to his sheath. No one knew if the elves were with or against the witches.

The boy laughed. "I am the fox, not some stupid elf. Anyways the elves are not the ones who make the animals do things. The only animals who listen to them are the were-lings who act as though they are elves. Those ones are quite selfish." The played with a chain around his neck, the only thing besides his skin that was not black. He pulled it out from under his black silk shirt, revealing its white jewel. It was in the shape of a cresent moon, and shone brightly against the stars.

Tairen asked, "What are were-lings, and what you said about the elves-" He paused for a moment, "doesn't seem to make sense. I thought elves were magical?"

The boy laughed again. "Elves aren't magical! They're just like the human magicians, it's all a show. The elves can't make stuff fly, but they sure are good at convincing spiders top make them string. They say they can talk to animals, but really they're only talking to were-lings. It's all fake." The boy paused, fumbling with the emblem in his hands. "-and to answer your question, were-lings are one species by day, another by night. For example, by day I am a fox, and by night I am human. That is why I where my emblem, it helps other were-lings know when I am in my tue form. Have you ever seen a lion?" Tairen shook his head. "-well, they are probably the most well known were-ling, even though no one knows they are. Their manes are there symbols. By day they are the king of the plains, by night they dance with the Ethiopians, wandering freely, resembling men. They are quite cunning about it too."

Tairen stared at the boy. He was quite odd and his story seemed farfetched. His belief in the boy faded rapidly. The sun slowly crept up behind the boy, in a few hours Tairen would know the truth.

"Well then-" Tairen stopped he hadn't even asked the boy his name. "I don't mean to be rude but, what is your name I didn't seem to catch it."
"How would you like me to pronounce it? The way my mother named me, or its human translation?"
"Human please, I don't speak fox."

"Tsk tsk, it really does come in handy to know a second language. My name is Roku, in the fox religion he was the God of night, and also the God of stealth. My mother thought it fit me, seeing how my fur is black, perfectly."

"I see." Tairen said, the sun creaching further up into the sky, its rays almost breaking the horizon.

"I noticed that you were injured so I used a few of my mothers remedies on those cuts of yours. They are a mix of Rosemary which you can find near the-"

"Lake at the south side of the forset, I know. I used to go gather it with my mother." Tairen suddenly remeberd his mother. He turned his head to the ground, trying to wipe the memories out of his head.

"You know the woods quite well. You must be the one who Therigan tells Ezlimora about. She seems quite fasinated with you." Roku said, standing up and stretching. The suns rays grew ever closer.

"Therigan?! How do you know about my father? Who is this Ezlimora you speak of? If my father has found another woman I will take his head. He should not have forgotten about my mother!" Tairen stood up and put his hand to his blade. Roku was shorter than Tairen only by and inch or two. Tairen's blonde hair also was a little thicker than Roku's strangley black hair, so maybe Tairen wasn't taller, it was hard to tell.

"Calm down Tairen! Your father has not forgotten about your mother. He doesn't even enter her room these days. To answer your questins I do not truely know your father I just watch him closely. The witch Ezlirmora is quite frightening and I fear the plans she has to release upon the world. I want to find out about them before its too late. I want to stop the witches in their tracks. This snow made it quite hard for my mother to find food. She died three years ago skinnier than a barn cat. I vowed i would not rest until I avenged her. For three years my eyes haven't seen a second of rest, and it will continue that way until I see a spring arrive."

The sun reached over the horizon. Roku let out a sound of agony that sounded almost like a growl. He collapsed into a pile on the ground, the hood of his cloak hung over his head making him a mound of enitre blackness. He growled loudly, His cloak seming as though to get tighter and tighter. His boots that were visible behind him cloak shrunk, paws replacing them.His cloak became tighter and tighter to Roku, whose body was changing in shape, he was getting smaller as well. His once fine cloak started to tear, and became shaggy. A growl came from Roku's mouth, which had seemed to strech out into a muzzle. His cloak continued to fall apart, covering his newly found fox-like body, his fur getting longer and longer. Tairen looked towards the sun, wondering if he too would turn into a fox because of its mysterious rays. The fox pawed at his pant leg. Tairen turned around and looked at the beast. Its cresent moon was vivid on the animals chest, its tail wagging behind it.
"Roku?" Tairen asked, almost not believing his eyes. This was the beast that Tairen remebered, expect before, the fox wasn't so happy. The fox nodded and bit at the hem of Tairen's pant leg. He walked south a few feet and turned around, expecting Tairen to follow him.

"Are you sure my father's house is near? I don't even remember this part of the woods." Tairen walked up to Roku, who once again pulled on his pant leg and started walking towards the south. Tairen nodded and followed him. The fox led him deeper and deeper into the woods, and further into the rabbits hole.
Last edited by blackwings_angel on Mon Jan 08, 2007 12:23 am, edited 3 times in total.
  





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Sun Dec 24, 2006 2:42 am
Cade says...



As with your last chapter, this has a lot of simple typos that are easily fixed. Just read through this carefully before you post it and all. I'm not going through to correct them all.
Here are a few things that bothered me more than simple typo-ness:

and shined brightly

This should be "shone" brightly, not "shined".

The boy wasn't kidding. On the foxes chest there had been a white cresent moon. He had to be telling the true.

Those three sentences can go. Anyone who's read the second chapter will remember that the fox had the crescent shape, and, if the reader has an IQ over 80, he or she will instantly make the connection.

but they sure are good at convincing spiders top make them wool.

Last I knew, spiders didn't make wool. Sheep fur is wool.

Their manes are there symbols.

"Their" is correct.

By day they are the king of the planes, by night they dance with the ethiopians

Plains. Ethiopians (capitalized).

His belief in the boy faded rapidly, the sun slowly crept up behind the boy, in a few hours Tairen would know the truth.

This needs to be rephrased. It's not really a sentence...it's three clauses stuck together in some sort of triple comma splice.

He turned his head to the ground, trying to wipe the emotional memories out of his head.

Nix the "emotional". We know they're emotional. Most memories are, especially if a person is remembering his mother, so it's a bit redundant.

She seems quite fasinated about you.

This should be "...quite fascinated with you."

Tairen stood up and put his hand to his blade. Roku was shorter than Tairen only by and inch or two. Tairen's blonde hair also was a little thicker than Roku's strangley black hair.

What does the thickness of his hair have to do with Tairen potentially beating up Roku? It's just a bizarrely placed sentence. It's like two guys comparing their manliness..."Oh yeah? Well my hair is thicker. Eat that."

I like at the end how you tied back to the rabbit's hole. Except in the beginning, with the diary entry, isn't the diary entry dated 1352? Does this mean 1352 Anno Domini, the 1352 that is 654 years ago? Because...Alice in Wonderland wasn't written that long ago. Unless this Tairen fellow is from the future and knows about Alice in Wonderland...I'm confusing myself.

Happy Holidays
Colleen :wink:
"My pet, I've been to the devil, and he's a very dull fellow. I won't go there again, even for you..."
  





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Sun Dec 24, 2006 6:17 pm
Kyuubi says...



hey matt...i've read all three chapters and i have to say they're good. i have to agree with cadmium on this though. you should clarify on the journal entry. i got confused. the story is good too. keep it up.
"So, I was thinking, I've always wanted to ride a TaunTaun."
"Ummmm....I asked you answer the math problem on the board."
"No you didn't."
"Yes I did."
"Yeah well, that's your opinion."...............A conversation between my teacher and I.
  





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Sat Dec 30, 2006 7:58 pm
Esmé says...



As I was browsing the forums, I stumbled upon your story, lol. I real side that I have not read the chapters that you posted before (I quite knew) so bear with me if I ask for something that you have written before.

Firstly, I have a question concerning the diary entry on the top. -Is that a fragment of a real diary? Or maybe did the character write that?

Quote:
My world has been turned upside down. I feel as though I have fell into the rabbit's hole (…)
Times, those horrible little things. ‘Have fell’ makes no sense. -’Have faller’, maybe?

Quote:
The rabbit of this story, though seems to be black.
You should change the sentence, because it isn’t correct. Maybe ‘The rabbit seems to be black, though.’ -That’s just a suggestion, though.

Uhm… To the whole entry… ‘Alice is nowhere near to catch me’ and ‘the rabbit seems to be black’… Maybe you should expand that text a bit, because… Oh, I don’t know why. I mean, I get what you wanted to say, but just barely (Sighs* -Maybe its just me…)

Quote
He wore a Dark tunic
Small ‘d’ here. It is also not clear who wore the dark tunic, maybe you should write somethink like ‘He saw a boy who (…)’ -Again, just a suggestion.

Quote:
The snowflakes falling slowly
‘The falling slowly snowflakes’ would be better, I think.

Quote
The snowflakes falling slowly made it look as though the boy actually had cut it out of the sky and tailored it into a cloak
Also, you use ‘cloak’ to times. Try using a synonym here

Quote:
and are you an elf?
The ‘and’ starts with a capital. Please don’t begin sentences with ‘and’, though I suppose that if its in a dialogue I could leave off…

Quote:
The boy leaned against a stump, they were not where Tairen last remembered being.
Make two sentences out of that one. Again: times are not right (wouldn’t it be easier if you wrote in past? Aslo, I don’t really understand this sentence: what’s not there His temples?

Quote:
You must be the one that made that fox follow me!
You must be the one ‘who’ (…)

Quote:
Anyways the elves are not the ones who make the animals do things.
This sentence is somehow not correct. Change it to make it sensible, and add a comma after “anyways’ if you really want to have that.
Quote:
The played with a chain around his neck, the only thing besides his skin that was not black.
I think you wanted to write ‘he’ here. The time is also not correct. Next, how can the reader know what the boy is playing with if he pulls it out in the next sentence?

Quote:
"I see." Tairen said, the sun creaching further up into the sky, its rays almost breaking the horizon.
Creaching is not a word. The part about the sun should be in a separate sentence.

Quote
Therigan?! How do you know about my father? Who is this Ezlimora you speak of? If my father has found another woman I will take his head. He should not have forgotten about my mother!"
Melodramatics, ah, melodramatics… Take the head of his father? Wow

Quote:
I vowed i would not rest until I avenged her.
Capital ‘I’

Quote:
He growled loudly, His cloak seming as though to get tighter and tighter
‘His’ in small letters, and ‘seeming’ not ‘seming’.

Quote:
(…) almost not believing his eyes.
I don’t like that phrase -’almost not believing his eyes?’

Okay, so that it. Most of the mistakes corrected, I think. Generally, I liked your story, even if at times it was a bit melodramatic. The dialogues were nice, but I had a feeling that sometimes they were a bit awkward. I suggest that you add a bit more description and that you reread some of your dialogues to improve them a bit. You had a nice idea, I think that this story had a potential.

Another thing: I don't really get the connection between the journal entry and the stroy itself.
  








Irrigation of the land with seawater desalinated by fusion power is ancient. It's called 'rain'.
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