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An excerpt from Chapter 2 of The Lost King



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Sun Jan 14, 2007 12:45 am
Wesley says...



I am still working on this and the rest of my book but please help yourself to critique and comment.


The dark room was weakly lit by a dwindled fire. Its small glow was like an ocean that tossed shadows, which almost seem to creak and sway upon the walls. In the corner of the room lay Wetstone asleep in his chair. Though he dreamed he could still faintly hear the pouring rain, and the rolling of the thunder, and the wind which whipped the trees that bowed in its powerful gusts.

His dreams were suddenly broken by a splash, a small splash, like a foot slipping into a puddle. His eyes slowly opened. He sat still listening with his eyes straight forward. He keenly glanced around the room but did not move a muscle he just sat still. He heard it again, and sharply stuck his eyes on the door like a knife piercing the wood. The handle slowly twisted… and burst open. A man stepped in the room. He was soaked from head to toe with bandages wrapped around his arms and face. He looked around the room it seemed abandoned the fire was out and the room was dark he took a flint from his pouch and lit a small torch. He shined it around the room. He shut the door and walked in. He seemed to be looking for something. He saw the fire place on the right wall, to the left of it a cluttered table, above it was some cupboards. Then in the left corner of the room an empty chair. In the opposite corner of the room there was a ladder. Next to it were two posts which held up a loft which the ladder leaned against. He glanced up to look at the loft and saw a shadow. He squinted to make out its shape he could see it was a … Before he could make it out the figure leaped from its hiding and knocked him across the face.

Wetstone picked his muscular body up off the man underneath him. He wiped the blood off of his forearm with the man’s jacket. He scratched his scruffy chin and stroked his shaggy hair. Then he picked up the body and placed it on the table. He relit the man’s torch and put it into a lantern. He stripped the body of the bandages and jacket. He also took off a sheath arrows and a bow from the man’s shoulders. The body had many cuts and bruises, besides the one he gave him, and also a map hanging out of his torn shirt. He unfolded the map and skimmed over it. He noticed many marking smeared with water. He put down the map and tore the bandages, shirt and pants off the man’s body. He then took a rag and washed the mud of the man’s face and chest. He cleaned and wrapped his cuts with bandages. There was something about this man that reminded him of someone he just didn’t know who.

The man woke up with a splitting headache, he rubbed his throbbing head and looked at the fire that roared before him in it was a small pot hooked upon an iron rod. In the pot brewed a steaming stew. All of a sudden the door swung open the man stood to his feet. He saw a man walked in with logs in his arms. He tried to step toward the man but collapsed under his leg and gasped in pain.

“Don’t hurt yourself.” Wetstone chuckled as he dropped the logs, removed his hood, and slipped a hatchet out of his belt, “You’ve been pretty beat up. Who are you?”

The man glanced up in surprise and said, “I should’ve know better then to trespass on your land … Arin.”

Wetstone split the wood and look over very keenly. He stood up who could this be that he would know his real name. He thought. Then said, “To whom is your allegiance served.” This phrase was a password used by heroes of old known as Yayges. If the man answered “to the Yayges” he would know he was not a Yayge himself because people who were not Yayges themselves worshipped the Yayges. Because they did not understand that the Yayges were not gods but men who were earned authority by serving the true God. But the authority they received was very powerful it could make them invincible in battle and even perform acts that were considered magic.

The man stared at him puzzled but still replied, “To Lithren the true God and lord of the world.”

Wetstone was bewildered he glanced over and said, “Who are you?”
“Arin you can’t see? Do you not know me.”

Wetstone walked over to the man with the hatchet and replied, “Who told who I was…” he grabbed the man, “how do you know where I live!”

“Arin it’s me…”

“I Already have a “me” in here and I certainly don’t want another one now state your name!” he interrupted.

“…Emton.” Wetstone dropped him and stepped back, “I came here from Straughtbridge to get you for help. Straughtbridge has fallen to Barbill. We think Satier is in on it to he’ll do anything for a little bit of gold the evil shrant.”

“I don’t believe any of this.”

“You must your people need you. Listen I heard that King Satier is giving thirty pounds of gold to whoever wins his tournament and he is letting them go find your father the king…”

“He is alive!”

“I don’t know but that’s the rumor. But come on we could go and easily win.”

There was a long pause before Wetstone said, “Where is it to be held.”
“The king’s palace?” he grinned.

“Okay.” Wetstone agreed.
  





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Sun Jan 14, 2007 12:54 am
Wesley says...



i wrote this a couple of years ago so it's a little rusty!:biggrin: hope you like it
  





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Sun Jan 14, 2007 1:14 am
Kasie says...



This is really good Wes, the plot is interesting and there seems to be a lot happening. However I do feel it's a bit confusing to follow is some places. The beginning is very good but then you seem to get carried away with the moment the bit below baffled me!

Then said, “To whom is your allegiance served.” This phrase was a password used by heroes of old known as Yayges. If the man answered “to the Yayges” he would know he was not a Yayge himself because people who were not Yayges themselves worshiped the Yayges. Because they did not understand that the Yayges were not gods but men who were earned authority by serving the true God. But the authority they received was very powerful it could make them invincible in battle and even perform acts that were considered magic.
The man stared at him puzzled but still replied, “To Lithren the true God and lord of the world.”

I understand that there is a good solid story under this and it could be really good if you worked on it. Just take the story a bit slower so it's easier to understand, explain things as you go along. Otherwise I'd say well done! I think this could be really good if you work on it! x
'The truly insane perform on many public stages. The sane stage their performance in the privacy of their own minds. Everyone is an actor. In the end, everyone wants applause.'
Madame Senetsky
Falling Stars by Virginia Andrews
  





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Mon Jan 15, 2007 2:54 pm
Esmé says...



Firstly, it would be nice if you formated (spaces between paragraphs AND dialogues)

Hey Wesley. You’re knew, aren’t you?

Quote:
Its small glow was like an ocean that tossed shadows, which almost seem to creak and sway upon the walls.
Reread this.

Quote:
In the corner of the room lay Wetstone asleep in his chair.
Consider swapping places; Wetstone with ‘lay’.

Quote:
Though he dreamed he could still faintly hear the pouring rain, and the rolling of the thunder, and the wind which whipped the trees that bowed in its powerful gusts.
He’s asleep or not?! Tell the reader that he was half-asleep’, if you need, but don’t say that he heard something when he’s sleeping!

Quote:
He keenly glanced around the room but did not move a muscle he just sat still.
Comma after muscle.

Quote:
The handle slowly twisted… and burst open.
The eclipse is unnecessary. The sentence after should start a new paragraph.

Quote:
“Arin you can’t see? Do you not know me.”
Punctuation.


Okay, so that’s it. I can’t say that I found this story so tremendously interesting, because for me it was a bit dull. Sorry.

The introductory paragraph. You cramped too much into it. The world wouldn’t end if you hit ‘enter’ a couple more times. Maybe you also have too many of ‘he did this’ ‘he did that’ sentences. It was just boring.

The dialogues also weren’t that interesting. They where, uhm, boring. Sorry.

Was this the beginning? Or did you choose a fragment? If this was indeed the beginning, then I am totally lost.

-elein
  





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Mon Jan 15, 2007 2:55 pm
Esmé says...



Oh, ok, its an exerpt. Sorry.
  





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Mon Jan 15, 2007 4:36 pm
Swires says...



The dark room was weakly lit by a dwindled fire.


Cumbersome adverb "weakly" remove. There is no such thing as a dwindled fire, "dwindling fire" is the correct terminology you are looking for.
Its small glow was like an ocean that tossed shadows, which almost seem to creak and sway upon the walls. In the corner of the room lay Wetstone asleep in his chair. Though he dreamed he could still faintly hear the pouring rain, and the rolling of the thunder, and the wind which whipped the trees that bowed in its powerful gusts.


Beginner writers, which I assume you are fall into the description trap. The only useful thing here is "Wetstone lay in the corner of the room and was dreaming" everything else can be trashed.

His dreams were suddenly broken by a splash, a small splash, like a foot slipping into a puddle. His eyes slowly opened. He sat still listening with his eyes straight forward.


Last sentence. "He listened with his eyes straight forward"

Now, its apparent what advice I need to give you.

:arrow: Over description, get rid of it. Characters are more interesting than setting.

:arrow: Your writing is cumbersome because of this description. Read it aloud and see if it flows naturally.

:arrow: Excerpts are a pet hate. We cant get to see the piece as a whole if you give us excerpts. I like scene by scene. Excerpts from new members usually mean all they have. If you have more then post it, more is good because we can see and review the story as a whole.
Previously known as "Phorcys"
Witherwings Harry Potter RPG
  





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Tue Jan 16, 2007 9:37 pm
Wesley says...



Draft two

The wind shrieked through the trees whipping them mercilessly. The dark sky split open with streaks of lightning and pouring rain. The thunder roared at the moonless night. The bitter cold surrounded the cottage. Inside Wetstone lay asleep in his chair though he dreamed his senses were sharp. He could hear faintly the orchestrated rage of the storm.

But his dreams were broken. His eyes slowly opened. Somebody was here. He heard the footsteps stutter through the puddles. He glanced around the room still remaining in his stealthy posture. The door’s handle slowly twisted…and burst open.

A dark figure stumbles into the room drenched head to toe. He looked around the room it seemed abandoned. He took a flint from his pouch and lit a small torch shining it around the room. The door slammed behind him as he walked in. He saw in front of him a cluttered table, above it was some cupboards and beside it an empty chair. Behind him was a ladder. Next to it were two posts which held up a loft which the ladder leaned against. He glanced up to look at the loft and saw a shadow. He squinted to make out its shape he could see it was a … before he could find out it leaped from its place and knocked him across the face.

Wetstone picked his muscular body up off the slim figure underneath him. He wiped the blood off of his forearm with the man’s jacket. He scratched his scruffy chin and stroked his shaggy hair. Then he picked up the body and placed it on the table. He relit the man’s torch and put it into a lantern. He ripped off the man’s bandages and jacket to find to his surprise a young woman. Her face was cut and bruised. He removed a bow and it’s neatly stuffed sheath of arrows from her back. Her body was also badly wounded with several deep gouges in her leg. He washed the mud off her face and wrapped her cuts with clean bandages. There was something about her that reminded him of someone he just didn’t know who.


I don't really know how to replace the "HE" cause all it is about is him doing things at this point any suggestions
  





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Wed Feb 21, 2007 9:38 pm
Emerson says...



I spaced your work out so its easier to read. You should put full breaks in between your paragraphs, as seen above.
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo
  








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