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The Line:Re-appearing (Chapter 5)



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Wed Mar 28, 2007 9:11 pm
stupidiot92 says...



Here is the last chapter i have typed up so far

please comment i am proud of it :!:


Chapter 5
The Gift



“Did Sendoma say where he was going or what he was doing?” asked Wyvern not fully understanding what had happened last night.

“No he said he remembered something and told me to tell you guys to leave without him if he was late.

“But I don’t feel comfortable with leaving without him. Why’d did you even let him leave?” said Rone harshly.

“Look none of you know him like I do. Even if I had tried to stop him he would’ve gone anyway,” responded Alexandria very defensively.

“Well we can’t do anything about it right now so I say we should go to Seiki and meet him their. Besides out of all of us he was the one that defeated his opponent the quickest,” said Sisilia.

“That’s what he said. He could’ve made it seem like he is very powerful when he just got lucky,” said Wyvern.

“Whether or not he lied about his battle doesn’t matter. All that matters is that we meet up with him again, and he did tell us that he was going to meet us at Seiki so I think we should go to Seiki,” said Danara sick of the fighting.

“Danara has a point. Wyvern, what do you say?” said Rone.

“What Danara said makes sense so I think we should go to Seiki,” responded Wyvern not really agreeing.

“Okay everyone pack up all the supplies we need and can carry for four days,” said Rone.

They packed all the supplies and started heading off. They got past the gate without any of the Ankishi attacking them.



As Sendoma turned the corner to get to the gate, he stopped and hid behind the wall. He had seen at least a dozen Ankishi standing at the gate. He stood there and listened to their conversation.

“They left at dawn, but they were short one person so you four search for the other somewhere in here while the rest of us take care of the others,” said one of the Ankishi that appeared to be in command.

“Yes, sir,” replied most, if not all the Ankishi.

After Sendoma heard that, he quickly ran into the closest house and ducked behind a window sill. He peered over the window sill and saw three of the four Ankishi meant to search for him split up. He figured that the other Ankishi was staying by the gate to make sure that he wouldn’t leave the city.

After a while Sendoma left the house and turned the corner to where the gate was. The Ankishi saw him and quickly drew his claymore.

“When will you guys learn that we aren’t like the rest? It will take several of you to even match one of us,” said Sendoma placing his hand on his sword.

“We have,” replied the Ankishi.

Sendoma looked behind him and saw the other three Ankishi: one with a tomahawk, one with a short spear, and the other with a scimitar.

“Oh,” said Sendoma not really impressed while he drew his new katana He rushed at the Ankishi that was alone guarding the gate. The Ankishi slashed at Sendoma, but Sendoma easily dodged it. In response, Sendoma stabbed the tip into the Ankishi’s shoulder and kicked him across the face. The other three Ankishi were closing in fast. He held his hand up and shot the same curved beam of fire that he had launched at Makajeh. However, one of the Ankishi ran straight into it and didn’t seem effected by it.

Sendoma pulled the sword out of the Ankishi’s shoulder and deflected a scimitar attack, and jumped backwards while he dodged a spear attack. Sendoma reached into his pouch and pulled out three seeds. He dodged another scimitar attack while he split open one of the seeds. He threw both halves at the Ankishi with the scimitar. The halves erupted and tangled the Ankishi then tightened. They tightened so tight that they broke several bones in the Ankishi’s body. The Ankishi with the spear tried to stab Sendoma. He was so close that he had torn part of Sendoma’s sleeve. Sendoma brought his sword up and cut the throat of the Ankishi.

Sendoma faced the last Ankishi with the tomahawk. The Ankishi threw the tomahawk at Sendoma and picked up the scimitar. Sendoma deflected the tomahawk and parried an attack. The Ankishi continued to attack and Sendoma had trouble blocking. Then Sendoma angled the butt his sword so the scimitar slid right off his sword’s blade. However, the Ankishi was able to keep pressure on the end of Sendoma’s blade so Sendoma took the butt of his sword and thrust it at the Ankishi’s neck. The teeth of the snake head thrust into the throat and killed the Ankishi instantly.

Right after the Ankishi fell to the ground, Sendoma left Valeria as fast as he could. Day had turned to night and Sendoma hadn’t seen any sign of Rone and the rest. He traveled for two hours after the sun had set when he saw smoke rising further down the path. He jumped off the path and stealthily walked as fast as he could to the origin of the smoke. Once he got there he saw a battle.

Danara was using her white magic. When the Ankishi tried to strike her a yellow shell appeared and rocketed the Ankishi far away. However, the Ankishi weren’t harmed much from her defensive attacks and she was to busy protecting herself that she was barely able to help the others.

Sisilia had her wakazashi drawn. Many Ankishi surrounded her but none could get past her defenses. However, she was already showing signs of exhaustion. One of the Ankishi behind her tried to cut off her head, but she ducked in time to dodge the attack. The Ankishi changed the direction of his sword, brought it down, and slashed her leg.

Wyvern had his mace drawn. One Ankishi was hit right on the chest with it. However he was able to stand up and fight although his armor had been damaged a bit. After Sisilia had gotten cut on the leg, Wyvern rammed the group of Ankishi that was surrounding her. One of the Ankishi was able to maintain his balance. However, Wyvern realized this and spun around and hit the Ankishi in with his fist, using the momentum from the spin.
Wyvern’s punch was so strong that it shattered the armor, continued through to shatter all the rib bones and crush the heart of the Ankishi.
Rone was using the finger knives that he used before in the library. He was jumping and twisting and dodging. He seemed to be injured. He was limping on his left leg and it was heavily stained with blood.

Sendoma drew his katana and rushed forward. One Ankishi that saw him rushed at him. Sendoma deflected the attack and cut off the head of the Ankishi. Another Ankishi noticed him and rushed at him. He slashed to cut off Sendoma’s head, but Sendoma ducked then stabbed his katana up through the head and out the top of the helmet. After Sendoma pulled his katana out of the dead Ankishi’s head, he looked up and saw Danara and Rone on the ground, Wyvern still fighting ferociously, and six of the Ankishi running right at him.

He deflected the first attack and several attacks after. However there were so many attacks that one of the Ankishi’s blades got through Sendoma’s defenses and made a huge gash on his leg. Right after the Sendoma’s leg was cut roots from the ground shot up and started defending Sendoma.
Sendoma heard a motherly voice in his head that said, “These volatile brutes will never harm you again, Sendoma.”

Sendoma had never heard this voice before and thought, trying to respond, “Who is this?”

“I am that which aids you and gives you power,” replied the voice.

“So why do you speak to me now?”

“My vines will be unable to aid you much in this battle so I have contacted you bearing a gift.”

“What is this gift?”

“This gift has tremendous power. This power is the power of the wolf and will transform you halfway to a wolf.”

“A werewolf?!”

“Yes and I warn you that you must be willing to give this power up before I
can take it back.”

“I will accept this gift to fight these Ankishi that threaten my friends.”

“Then take it. I will have my vines aid your companions.”

After the voice said that, the vines shot back into the earth, traveled to
Wyvern, Sisilia, Rone, and Danara. Sendoma sheathed his katana and tapped into the new well of power that he felt. In less than a second he had gone from man to werewolf. All the Ankishi around him charged at the same time. The werewolf grabbed two of the Ankishi by the head and then jumped away from the others. As soon as it was out of range of the other Ankishi, it held up the two that flailing around in its hands. It then squeezed its hands and crushed both of the Ankishi’s heads.

The other four Ankishi ran at the werewolf, two in the front and two in back. The werewolf jumped over the front two and landed on the back two crushing one of their chests and breaking the other’s legs. Its right hand came up and slashed the survivor across the face snapping his neck. The other two Ankishi rushed at the werewolf. The werewolf grabbed one of the Ankishi and threw him up high in the air. The other Ankishi took this chance and slashed the werewolf’s leg. The werewolf yelped in pain and brought its hand down crushing the Ankishi.



While Sendoma was in the werewolf form killing all the Ankishi, Alexandria returned with five cantines of water. She saw the werewolf crush the two Ankishi’s heads, and Wyvern fighting two Ankishi with his fists. She dropped the cantines, drew her katana, and rushed forward to aid Wyvern. The two Ankishi didn’t notice her coming so she was able to surprise one of them and snapping his neck. The other one turned around and deflected Alexandria’s attack. However, he was hit on the head by Wyvern as Alexandria brought her katana down and cut right through the helmet and into his head.

“Thanks for the help,” said Wyvern panting heavily.

“No problem. What’s with the werewolf?” replied Alexandria.

“Umm…I’m not sure. I think its Sendoma, but I was to busy fighting for my life I don’t really know what happened after he showed up.”

“So that’s Sendoma. Where did he get that power?”

“I don’t know, but you see these vines? They started helping about the
same time I saw that werewolf and no Sendoma.”
After Wyvern said that, the werewolf had finished killing the last Ankishi and had turned in their direction. It suddenly rushed at Wyvern and Alexandria. Alexandria shoved Wyvern to the side and dove off to the other side. The werewolf had barely missed her. It stopped, turned around, and charged at Alexandria.

Out of nowhere, a humanoid creature with wings, feathers, and claws like a hawk landed on the werewolf’s shoulders and pinned it to the ground digging its claws into the werewolf’s shoulders.

“Sendoma let this power go! It will make you kill that which you wanted to protect,” said the hawk humanoid with a commanding voice. The only thing the beast responded with was a loud roar. “Sendoma, give it up. Even as a werewolf I am still stronger than you.” The beast didn’t struggle as much but still didn’t turn back into Sendoma.

“Sendoma please let the power go. I do not want to see you injured anymore,” said Alexandria with a caring voice. With that the werewolf started turning back into Sendoma. After the process was complete, the hawk creature let go and landed beside Sendoma. It touched Sendoma, and Sendoma’s body glowed. After about a minute, it moved its claw away from Sendoma, and Sendoma, with much effort, stood up with exhaustion showing.

“Hello Sendoma. My name is Valentine, your father’s messenger, and I am an Avoral,” he said to Sendoma as he moved to Sisilia and started healing her.

“My father?” replied Sendoma as confused as he’s ever been.
Last edited by stupidiot92 on Sat Apr 07, 2007 8:58 pm, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Thu Apr 05, 2007 7:53 pm
stupidiot92 says...



i am posting this cause my other stuff when they got commented their veiws soared!
It doesn't think, doesn't feel.
It doesn't laugh or cry.
All it does from dusk 'till dawn
is make the soldiers die
  





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Thu Apr 05, 2007 8:03 pm
Dream Deep says...



I'm sorry, but this is near impossible to read in this format.

Just a tip: try to space out the dialogue and paragraphs a bit - it'll get you more comments on it, writing-wise. ^_~
  





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Thu Apr 19, 2007 11:16 pm
Writersdomain says...



Valentine! I like him already. This part was quite good - I liked Sendoma letting go of the power and the werewolf was very interesting.

The one thing that kept occurring to me during this piece was your lack of description, so I'm going to give a few short pointers. I know I've talked about this before, so I'm just going to apply it to this chapter

1. I felt you could use more description in the first scene with the Wyvern/Sisilia etc. group. You have a lot of dialogue, but I got little feel for where they were or how the characters were reacting to this entire situation

2. Your battle scenes are very straightforward and it's good not to clutter your actions with too much description, but I felt like you could more vividly describe the action scenes. You tell me what happens, and when you do, your words are well chosen for the most part, but I found myself detached from the characters engaged in battle. What are the characters's reactions to what is happening? How do they feel? Is there blood gushing from their arms? How does that make them feel? Think about how your characters are reacting and try to add some of that description in there. BUT NOT TOO MUCH! If you describe every single thing that happens and clutter the actions with adjectives, it will drag, and you don't want that.

Also on your battle scenes. When you start off with Sendoma's battle, your sentences are in very uniform structure. This means that every sentence sounds the same and it bores the reader. So, read back through your battle scenes and try varying the sentence structure.

Sisilia had her wakazashi drawn. Many Ankishi surrounded her but none could get past her defenses. However, she was already showing signs of exhaustion. One of the Ankishi behind her tried to cut off her head, but she ducked in time to dodge the attack. The Ankishi changed the direction of his sword, brought it down, and slashed her leg.

Wyvern had his mace drawn. One Ankishi was hit right on the chest with it.


Just had to pull this part out. The first sentences of these two paragraphs are very similar. You might want to change one of them. :wink:

Once again, read this through for sentence structure and phrasing stuff as well as grammar. But you already know to watch for that. In all, this was nicely done, and I look forward to reading chapter 6. Keep writing and PM me if you ever need anything! See ya around! :D
~ WD
If you desire a review from WD, post here

"All I know, all I'm saying, is that a story finds a storyteller. Not the other way around." ~Neverwas
  








Besides, if you want perfection, write a haiku. Anything longer is bound to have some passages that don't work as well as they might.
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