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The Line: Re-appearing (chapter 10)



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Sat Apr 07, 2007 8:47 pm
stupidiot92 says...



here is the tenth chapter tell me what you think Garak so far

COMMENT PLEASE :!:

Chapter 10
Egamulla Eniah



Sendoma woke up and walked out to the main hall where Grishtog and Valentine were watching over several sheep. Sendoma was confused and said, “What’s with the sheep?”

“They’re for the second spell I am going to teach you,” replied Grishtog.

“What, levitation?” said Sendoma.

“No, chain lightning.”

“You want me to kill sheep?”

“In a manner of speaking. Valentine will protect their spirits so they won’t really die.”

“I see. Grape Juice cold.” A glass of iced grape juice appeared in Sendoma’s hand.

Sendoma took a few sips when Grishtog said, “I see you know about our chef here. You can only do that here though.”

“So it’s more a chef hearing you and using it’s magic to make the food and drink for you,” replied Sendoma while he took a few more sips.

“Yea, pretty much. So are you ready to begin your training again?”

“Not really, I am hungry. I haven’t had breakfast yet. Toast and jelly.” A plate with toast with jelly on it appeared and Sendoma started eating the toast. Sendoma finished the toast and the grape juice and stood up. The plate and glass disappeared as Sendoma stood up and said, “I’m ready.”

“Okay, this spell requires a lot of energy but not as much emotion as the previous one. It takes more energy per opponent so only use it on a small group of opponents. You have no control of when this spell stops. It kills anyone or anything that you think of as your enemy in the immediate area. It may also have no effect because it is partially normal magical arts. Valentine, split up the sheep.” After Grishtog said that, Valentine swooped down in the middle of the sheep.

About half of the sheep moved into one of the hallways and the other half went to the far side of the main hall. Grishtog moved to the sheep in the main hall, and Sendoma followed him. He stopped a few yards from the sheep he stood there for a bit. He finally said, “Egamulla Eniah,” and a ball of lightning shot from him. It went into the closest sheep, and the sheep collapsed. It then shot from that sheep into another. That sheep collapsed and the ball of lightning moved into another. After it had traveled through all the sheep it disappeared.

“Try it on the other group of sheep,” said Grishtog as the first sheep started to move again.

“Okay, but I will have trouble thinking that these sheep are my enemies,” said Sendoma as he moved to the other group of sheep. He thought of the sheep being demented and trying to kill, but instead he chuckled.

“What’s so funny?” asked Grishtog confused.

“I’m trying to think of these sheep as my enemies but any time I try to make them evil it comes out quite funny,” replied Sendoma after he chuckled again.

“You want to try it on some real enemies of yours?” asked Grishtog.

“What?” asked Sendoma.

“There is a group of Ankishi trying to find where your friends went, and they are close to finding them,” replied Grishtog.

“Let’s take ‘em,” said Sendoma with a smile as he walked next to his father.

“We’re going to be right in their path so be ready,” warned his father just before he closed his eyes. They teleported on a small dirt path with a fire pit in the middle that had remnants of an eaten deer right next to it. “They’ll be here in a minute.”

“I’m ready,” replied Sendoma as he felt for his sword and realized he didn’t have it. “Actually I don’t have my sword.”

“Take mine,” said his father as he unsheathed his sword and gave it to Sendoma. Sendoma took the sword and saw the Ankishi on the horizon.


“Mind if I go and meet them?” said Sendoma.

“I’m right behind you,” replied his father. Sendoma ran fast towards the Ankishi. Grishtog was right behind him. Sendoma saw the two Ankishi on the ends go into the woods. Sendoma stopped in the path and Grishtog stopped as well.

When the Ankishi reached them one of them asked, “I recognize you. Where are the other survivors?”

“You shouldn’t be concerned with them. Egamulla Eniah,” said Sendoma. A ball of lightning shot out from Sendoma and traveled through all of the Ankishi. All of them were dead in a few seconds.

Sendoma heard a twig snap behind him. He turned around and saw a blade coming at his face. He said, “Ihsanak Anso,” and the blade stopped a few inches from his head. He moved behind the Ankishi and said, “Ihsanak Anso,” again.

The Ankishi was so confused, that Sendoma was fighting not to laugh. He then grabbed the Ankishi and turned him around. He hit the Ankishi’s face, and the Ankishi fell down unconscious. He turned around to look at his father. He looked in time to see the other Ankishi leap from the woods at Grishtog.

Grishtog turned around and grabbed the Ankishi in midair and said, “Uoki Urotica.” The Ankishi’s body went limp and dropped to the ground, dead. Grishtog then turned to Sendoma and said, “We need to take that and find out who these Ankishi are, who they serve, and why they serve him.”

“I agree,” replied Sendoma as he did his best to lift the Ankishi up. Grishtog stood next to Sendoma and closed his. They teleported back to the marble hall where some of the sheep were still there.

“Valentine,” yelled Grishtog. A few seconds after Grishtog yelled for Valentine, Valentine appeared in the hall.

“Yes sir?” said Valentine.

“Take this prisoner to the cell,” replied Grishtog as he pointed to the Ankishi that Sendoma was having trouble keeping up. Valentine walked over to him and took him. He stepped away from Sendoma and closed his eyes. He teleported with the Ankishi prisoner to another room in the hall.

“Why don’t you get some rest. I’m sure you are tired from that fight,” said Grishtog.

“I am pretty tired. That spell takes quite a bit out of you. So what was that spell you used on the other Ankishi?” said Sendoma as he gave the sword back to Grishtog.

“That’s the third spell I was going to teach you,” replied Grishtog taking the sword and putting it in its scabbard.

“Well, I’m off to bed even though its still day time,” said Sendoma as he headed to his bedroom. He laid on the bed and fell asleep pretty quickly.




Grishtog, after Sendoma went to his bedroom, teleported to the cell where the Ankishi prisoner was. The Ankishi was starting to regain consciousness when Grishtog got there.

“Welcome back to this world. Who do you serve?” said Grishtog fiercely.

After a while, the Ankishi weakly said, “The man that leads us.”

Grishtog was about ready to pound him, and then decided to ask, “Why do you follow him?”

“He gave us power and safety from the holy warriors,” replied the Ankishi finally getting the energy to get is head up to look at Grishtog.

“And where did he get this power?” asked Grishtog a little more pleased with this answer than the first.

“From me and my kin,” replied a voice behind Grishtog. Grishtog swung around and saw a man of short stature. He wore a black robe, and the sleeves of the robe went past the tips of his fingers. He had short black hair and, surprisingly, pure white eyes.

“Garak,” gasped the Ankishi. Garak aimed his hand at the Ankishi and a beam of darkness shot from it. The black beam incinerated the Ankishi.

“What do you want?” asked Grishtog readying his sword.

“I know I do not want to contend with a god. Not even a demi-god so you can put that sword back. I’ve come here to tell you that I need your help,” replied Garak putting his hand by his side.

“Why would I help you?” replied Grishtog who hadn’t put his sword away.

“Because if you don’t I will kill that woman in the shack in Kadora,” said Garak with a smile. Grishtog readied his sword once again and was ready to attack until Garak said, “I would not do that because if anything happens to me or if you don’t help me, my pets will kill her and destroy Kadora.”

Grishtog put his sword back and asked, “What do you need me to do?”

“I need you to find Makajeh.”

“Who?”

“He is the leader of the Ankishi. He hasn’t contacted us for a while and I need him dead.”

“Why don’t you search for him?”

“I have more important matters to attend to. When you find him, don’t kill him. Contact me with this when you find him,” said Garak as he threw Grishtog a necklace just like Alexandria’s.

“So what are you?”

“I am one of the chaos council members. We hide ourselves very well.” For a while, nothing was said and then Garak decided to teleport back to the cave of chaos. Grishtog looked at the necklace and tried to crush it. However, when it looked completely ruined, it glowed and just repaired itself.
It doesn't think, doesn't feel.
It doesn't laugh or cry.
All it does from dusk 'till dawn
is make the soldiers die
  





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Sat Apr 28, 2007 5:13 pm
Writersdomain says...



Very interesting. I am curious to see what Grishtog and Sendoma will do about Makajeh. Because you know how I like Makajeh. :wink:

Yay for Magic?

I find it very humorous that Sendoma is hitting sheep and using his magic to get sandwiches, and I hope you do too, but as a reader, I find myself wondering if that is supposed to be funny or not. It makes the reader feel a little awkward.

I suggest using Grishtog's reactions to what Sendoma is doing (as you have very little right now) to convey to the reader whether this is normal or a magic user or whether Sendoma is goofing off. Some reactions of Valentine or Grishtog would be very valuable.

Characterization

You're doing much better on the insight side of characterization, much, much better, but now we need to talk about getting the reader to empathize with your character's emotions. Right now, Sendoma and Grishtog do lots of stuff and you tell us about them, but you don't really go in depth with their reactions and emotions towards these things.

Your characters must be real and real people have very real emotions, so think about expressing your character's thoughts and feelings throughout your story. Action is good, but the reader loses interest if it does not have interesting characters.

I'm not going to tell you to do this and that to achieve this, because our writing styles are very different and the story I am working on is more character-focused than plot-focused (which has downfalls of its own). What I can suggest is that you analyze exactly what your character are doing, how that affects them personally and judge how much you want to reveal. Get to know your character deeply and let him speak for himself. Include these things and the reader will become emotionally invested.

I also felt you could use more description in this, but I've already talked about that, so you know what to do. :wink: And remember to watch out for uniform sentence structure!

GARAK: I don't know much about him yet besides that he is part of the chaos council. He sees bent on his mission, but I get this strange impression that his whole heart is not into it. I dunno; I can't pinpoint a certain sentence that tells me that, but I just get that impression. Garak is willing to use force to manipulate Sendoma and Grishtog, and I get the feeling he doesn't have any strong feelings toward Grishtog, resentment or otherwise. He seems very cryptic and a man of few words. I will be awaiting more development on his part. :D

Nice job here, Mike, and keep writing! On to chapter 11! PM me if you need anything.
~ WD
If you desire a review from WD, post here

"All I know, all I'm saying, is that a story finds a storyteller. Not the other way around." ~Neverwas
  








He who has a why to live for can bear with almost any how.
— Friedrich Nietzsche