z

Young Writers Society


The Gifted and the Cursed Part Two



User avatar
713 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 7740
Reviews: 713
Sat Oct 13, 2007 12:45 am
BigBadBear says...



“Ahhhh! When are they gonna let us in! I’m gonna die!” Race shouted. A couple of girls looked over at Race when he yelled and giggled. Race blushed and smiled back. They laughed even harder.

“Your such a player,” Jared whispered to Race. “I know,” was his reply.

“WELCOME! WELCOME TO S.K.T.!” a voice boomed out from nowhere. It startled the kids, and aroused their attention.

“Finally,” Race muttered.

“PLEASE STAND UP AND GET IN A SINGLE FILE LINE BEHIND THE GATE!” the voice boomed.

Jared wondered where the speakers where, or if not, where the horribly loud announcer was.

Anyway, the children did as they were told and the Peterson’s got in line, partly towards the front of the line. Everyone was silent. A bird flew away. A frog ribbetted.

Finally, after was seemed like hours, the S.K.T. gate slowly creaked
open. Jared fidgeted to try and see what the camp layout was like, but a fat kid stood in front of him, blocking the view.

Suddenly, the first few kids in line gasped and backed up. The line started to move backwards, as eyes widened. The excitement in the air suddenly turned to horror, and a few girls started to scream. The fat kid that stood in front of Jared stepped on his foot, and send Jared falling to the ground, which Jared landed on Race, and Race fell backward, and soon it was like dominoes. The last part of the line was all trying to stand back up when the gate had finally reached the full opening.

Race uttered a small gasp. “Uh! Whoa! It’s a—It’s a---it’s a tornado!”

Indeed it was. Small twisters, that should have been flailing around like real twisters should, were standing perfectly still, and made no sudden movements towards the open gate.

“Welcome to S.K.T. Summer Camp!” A man yelled out, but no one heard over the horrifying screams that were occurring.

“Do not—Do not scream ladies and gentlemen, these swirls will do absolutely nothing to harm you, whatsoever. Just follow me, and I will explain everything!” the man in the front of the line was saying, but few children trusted him.

The Peterson’s couldn’t see the man, and so they didn’t understand why everyone had suddenly decided to walk towards the tornadoes; but when they scooted up closer, they saw a man wearing a green cape, black clothes. They weren’t normal, every day clothes, they were oddly…odd.

In Jared’s perspective, they looked like wizard’s clothes, with the cloak and everything.

“Keep moving along, yes, yes, just keep moving along,” the man ushered the children inside the camp’s walls.

Jared was utterly fascinated at the twisters, while his two other brothers were utterly scared. They grabbed Jared and pulled him away from the swirly things. The line continued to move forward, and Jared saw over the fat kid that there was another man leading the way.

“This is amazing!” Jared told Zach.

“Yeah, uh, really amazing!” Zach said, sarcastically.

Jared turned toward Race. His face was red, and Jared could tell that he was very uncomfortable around these…these things.

Jared looked once again past the fat kid and saw that the man leading the trembling line of kids into a building.

“Where are we going? I just wanna get away from these twisters!” Race cried out.

“It’s fine,” a girl that was right behind Race said calmly. “It wont hurt you. Once you get in they won’t be there anymore.”

“In? In where? The building?” Jared asked the girl. The girl shook her dirty blonde hair and said, “I am not supposed to tell…sorry.”

Jared sighed and kept walking. When they reached the building, the three boys walked through glass doors, and were led into an auditorium. The kids were all finding seats amongst themselves, and the Petersons chose to sit in the fifth row back, directly in the middle.

Zach looked around the room and said, “What is up with this camp? I mean, from the outside, this building looked tiny, but now that we are inside, it is huge!”

Jared looked around and agreed. That thought had not yet dawned upon him. The auditorium was indeed huge. There was the main floor, and then a balcony. Jared wondered how many children could be housed up in this camp. While he looked around, Jared only saw about a hundred or so kids. Why was the auditorium so big? Jared also noticed that the air was breezy, and he wondered how a building could have a breeze.

After everyone was settled into a seat, the stage lit up, and a curtain hung over it. Suddenly, it swooshed open and there, in the lights were four arm chairs. In between the chairs, with two on the left and two on the right, a man began to talk. Race recognized the man as the one that was trying to talk when the gate had opened.

“As I have said before, welcome to S.K.T. Summer Camp! I am the camp director, Shawn Snow, and I am very excited to have you guys stay at my camp for the next couple of weeks. Now, for those who have already been to this camp, I will now ask you to leave and join the rest of the early-comers. You will not have to sit through another session like you did last year, or the year before that. C’mon, lets go!”

Shawn Snow waved at the audience and some people got up and left. One of them was the girl with the dirty blonde hair.

“Okay, now that we first-years are here, I need to tell you a secret. Now, this secret is the most powerful secret yet to be revealed. So listen closely:

Everyone here is unique.”

Jared sighed. It’s not like we are in Special Ed or something, come on dude, we all know that we are different!

Shawn Snow continued, “You are all different, and many of you are the same. But just remember this: You are my super-kid. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.”

Zach got a chill and it crawled up his back. Somewhere, he had heard that saying, but he couldn’t place it.

“This power comes with a huge responsibility.” Shawn Snow continued.

“Come on, we are not Spider-Man!” Jared muttered under his breath.

“You each have special powers within you.”

Jared looked up at Shawn Snow, along with many others. The whole room was quiet.

“All of you have been hand-picked to reside in my camp. I know this because I chose every single one of you. I recognized the special power that only comes from a real hero,” Shawn paused as to let that thought sink in, “I chose you to become my army.”

Suddenly there was commotion in the room and kids spoke up, “WHAT? Where is the war?”

Shawn suddenly whipped out a stick from underneath this cloak. It looked vaguely familiar to Jared. Jared’s hand reached down to his pocket and felt the wand that he had picked up earlier.

“Holy crap…” Jared muttered.

Suddenly, with a wave of Shawn’s wand, the room fell deadly silence.

“I know, I know that this is very hard to understand, but just hear my out!” Shawn Snow continued, “My father taught me about…about…about magic! And now I am passing it down from me to you! Please! Stop talking and hear me out!

“A long time ago, my father was a sorcerer. He helped me find my true powers and along with it, he created the Power of Light.”

Race shivered. Was it cold in here or just him?

“This power had affected many others during that time, and every single one of you has an ancestor who has been through this camp and has trained here.

“You! Alex Carson! Your great-great-grandfather Nicholas Carson came through here in 1874. He died shortly after that, right?” Shawn asked.

“How do you know my great-great-granddaddy?” a girl in the front row asked him. “There is no, possible answer!”

“Only,” Shawn muttered powerfully, “if I knew him personally! Right? Right!”

“All of you here tonight will be given—no, wait, all of you here tonight already have a power! If you asked, I could name each one of your powers, because your ancestors will have the same power! You see, many, many years ago, the Power of Light was stolen and evil unleashed its fullest extent. The Power found their masters and hid a part of it within their human master. All of you have a part of that power inside of your blood.”

“Now…well, now that we have that through, you will all learn of your powers and duties tomorrow morning, right after breakfast. Now, let’s get some official camp duties done…

“My camp counselors: Avery Kinsley, Evan O’ Riley, McKenzie Sanders, and last, but not least, Alice Suzan.”

As Shawn said each of the counselor’s names, he pointed to them. They were sitting in the chairs right behind Shawn.

All of the counselors were wearing dull brown clothes, the camp’s clothes. They looked excited for some reason, and Even O’ Riley, a man wearing a purple hat was fidgeting in his seat.

Shawn Snow continued to talk but Race paid no further attention while Shawn went over the basic rules. Race daydreamed about his power, and what it was. He hoped that he could have like, laser vision, yeah, that would be cool. Race looked over at Jared who was staring attentively at Shawn. How can he find this guy fun to listen to? I mean, he is monotone!
Race closed his eyes and pictured his laser vision. He could cut through solid steel and look at girls….

No, wait a minute, if I could see girls without clothes that would be x-ray vision. Yeah, I think I like x-ray vision better.

Suddenly, Race heard commotion throughout the room. He opened his eyes and realized that Shawn had dismissed the camp. He got up from his seat and followed Jared out of the room.

Near the door, the line got crowded, and Zach noticed that the campers were signing up for cabins. When the three boys drew closer to the signup sheet, Jared grabbed the pen that was dangling from the sheet, and scribbled "Petersons" on the cabin V-4.

“Hey! We get our own cabin all to our selves!” Jared exclaimed. “Hurry, lets get to our cabin…Find V-4.”

The three boys exited the building and saw that it was dark. The sun had gone down and the moon was full. They ran past a row of cabins that were from A-1 through A-6.

“Wow, there must be a ton of cabins in this camp.” Race whispered.

Race looked behind him and saw those twister things, still whirling perfectly still.

“Those are creepy…” Race muttered.

Jared looked back also and muttered to his brother, “Didn’t you listen? Shawn told us that they are buildings. We just can’t see them yet because we don’t have our powers. Once we get them tomorrow morning, we will be able to see them. He said that they are the buildings which we are to train our powers in.”

Jared ran out of breath and started to walk. His brothers slowed down with him.

“What cabins are we at?” Jared asked.

“We are in the…yeah, the H’s.” Zach replied.

“Oh, come on! How many cabins are in this flipping camp?”

“Well, there are 26 letters in the alphabet, and to each letter there are six cabins. Do twenty-six times six.” Race answered.

“I’m too tired to think right now, lets just find V-4.”

When they finally arrived in the V section, they walked up the dirt path and found the cabin that had the number and letter: V-4.

Race pushed open the door and stepped inside. The cabin was nice and cozy, but not very large at all. It had a couch to the right of the door, backed up against the wall, and on the left wall there was a toilet and a sink, (“Not much privacy…” Jared murmured), and in the middle of the room were two bunk beds. Race cried, “I get top!” and Jared followed suit.
Zach frowned and said, “Well, I don’t want bottom! And who is gonna sleep on the other bottom bed?”

“Who cares? I mean, well, we get this whole cabin to ourselves!” Jared cried as he jumped up onto the top bunk of the left bed.

“This is awesome! I am not kidding!” Race said, looking around at the cabin.

“So, what are we supposed to do tonight? Just sleep?”

Jared nodded and looked over to the door. There was a piece of paper that was tacked to it. Jared jumped off of the bed to read it. He read it aloud:

“TOMORROW’S SCHEDULE
1. Breakfast 7:30 am
2. Power of Light Ceremony 9:00 am
3. Tour of the Camp 11: am
4. Lunch 12:00 pm
5. Power Training until 8:00 pm
6. Dinner 8:30 pm
7. Free time until 11:00”




“I wonder what power I will get...” Race said dreamily. Zach nodded.

“I have always wanted to fly,” Jared muttered.

“That would be awesome! I have never thought about flying!” Race exclaimed. “What about you, Zach?”

Zach gave the thought careful consideration, and then replied, “I want to run as fast as Flash.”

His two older brothers laughed. “Well, I guess we will just have to wait and find out.” Jared said.

Race thought for a moment and then said, “Hold on, hold on…wait…I mean, we didn’t even believe that magic was real before tonight, did we?” His brothers shook their heads. “How do we know that Shawn isn’t just telling us lies? I mean, how could someone be a sorcerer? Magic isn’t even real!”

“Or is it?” a voice said.

The three boys jumped and screamed. Just behind the left bunk bed that Jared and Zach slept on appeared a man.

“Shawn!” Jared cried, horrified.

“How did you do that?” Zach asked amazed.

Shawn paid no attention to Zach or Jared, but he fixed his eyes upon Race. “You don’t believe that I can produce magic?”

“Uh…um,” Race stuttered, “Well, how did you just appear like that?”

Shawn shook his head, “Not now, I have too much to do, but believe me Race,” Jared’s eyes widened. Jared was sure that Race had never mentioned his name to Shawn. “I can do just about anything…now go to bed, all of you, it’s lights out in a few minutes.”

Jared turned to Race, and then back at Shawn, but he had disappeared once again.



Once again, I am still open to the opinion you have of my story!
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.
  





User avatar
820 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 820
Sat Oct 13, 2007 12:23 pm
Myth says...



Green = Comment
Blue = Suggestion
Black = Review

*

“Ahhhh! When are they gonna let us in! I’m gonna die!” Race shouted. A couple of girls looked over at Race when he yelled and giggled. Race blushed and smiled back. They laughed even harder.


You could change the second ‘Race’ to ‘him’ so it isn’t so repetitious.

“Your such a player,” Jared whispered to Race. “I know,” was his reply.


Typo: ‘Your’ = You’re

“PLEASE STAND UP AND GET IN A SINGLE FILE LINE BEHIND THE GATE!” the voice boomed.


Booming again? Try: ... the voice continued to boom.

Anyway, the children did as they were told and the Peterson’s got in line, partly towards the front [s]of the line[/s]. Everyone was silent. A bird flew away. A frog ribbetted.


^^^ See quote. Also, frogs are more likely to be found near water, in this heat I’m sure it wouldn’t be anywhere away from it.

Finally, after was seemed like hours, the S.K.T. gate slowly creaked
open.


Typo: ‘was’ = what

Suddenly, the first few kids in line gasped and backed up. The line started to move backwards, as eyes widened. The excitement in the air suddenly turned to horror, and a few girls started to scream. The fat kid that stood in front of Jared stepped on his foot, and send Jared falling to the ground, which Jared landed on Race, and Race fell backward, and soon it was like dominoes. The last part of the line was all trying to stand back up when the gate had finally reached the full opening.


Notice the beginning of each sentence begins with ‘the’, which gets very dull after a while so go for something exciting like ‘suddenly’ that you already have as this is meant to draw the reader’s attention and makes the fall of ‘dominoes’ much more effective.

Indeed it was. Small twisters, that should have been flailing around like real twisters should, were standing perfectly still, and made no sudden movements towards the open gate.


I can’t imagine this, is it in rotating on the spot? I don’t understand how they could be ‘standing still’.

The Peterson’s couldn’t see the man, and so they didn’t understand why everyone had suddenly decided to walk towards the tornadoes; but when they scooted up closer, they saw a man wearing a green cape, black clothes. They weren’t normal, every day clothes, they were oddly…odd.


If they were seeing him from behind they’d get a view of his cape but not his clothes, unless he turned around at intervals to check if the kids were following him.

Jared was utterly fascinated at the twisters, while his [s]two other[/s] brothers were utterly scared.


I think you should take out ‘utterly’—both of them—because they seemed wrong here and to show his fascination add something in, what does he do to display his interest?

Jared was fascinated by the twisters, staring wide-eyed with a smile playing on his lips, while his brothers, from their gloomy expressions, seemed frightened.

As that was from Jared’s point of view he can’t be sure what his brothers are thinking so he might assume they’re scared.

All of the counselors were wearing dull brown clothes, the camp’s clothes.


Second ‘clothes’ ought to be uniform


*

Hello again!

It seems the kids have a lot to do yet they get to bed around 11 PM, at their age they should be sleeping earlier especially now that they have training to do.

You should slow down with the story telling. Apart from the tornado appearance of the buildings we don’t know what the place looks like, I can imagine a very dusty orange landscape with random twists and that’s about it. It reminds me of the camp from the movie Holes.

It’s rushed at the moment and read my review of the first chapter about repetition which should help you take some things out and replace it for a better read.

There are quite a few typos in that I have not pointed out, you can find them easily.

I liked the idea of the same power passing from one generation to the next, so wouldn’t that mean the Peterson kids get the same power being siblings?

All I have time for now and I do hope to read more =]

Myth
.: ₪ :.

'...'
  





User avatar
522 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 7715
Reviews: 522
Sat Oct 13, 2007 7:23 pm
canislupis says...



Hmmmm, have you seen the movie "Sky High"? For some reason this reminded me a bit of that. I think myth pointed out a lot of the major errors, and the rest, as she said, can be easily picked out on your own. I still feel that this is very cliche, like the plot has been done before, and slightly better. Don't get me wrong, I really like the other work that you have done, but I feel that this piece needs a re-write. Another problem I had was the way the characters react to different happenings. One second they are beleiving everything, and the next second they are saying something like:

“Hold on, hold on…wait…I mean, we didn’t even believe that magic was real before tonight, did we?” His brothers shook their heads. “How do we know that Shawn isn’t just telling us lies? I mean, how could someone be a sorcerer? Magic isn’t even real!”


It just felt like they were really bad actors reciting something for the thousandth time. Think maybe about how you would react to a situation like that, if it really did happen. Maybe also make the occurances a little less subtle, and changing things so that there is a little more mystery, instead of camp counselors popping up out of nowhere when students don't beleive in magic :)

PM me if you decide to post more of this, or if you have any questions of comments :D
  








I lingered round them, under that benign sky: watched the moths fluttering among the heath and harebells, listened to the soft wind breathing through the grass, and wondered how any one could ever imagine unquiet slumbers for the sleepers in that quiet earth.
— Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights