Young Writers Society

aero thanks for atleast reading the first two, it is my very first time writing, cant be perfect, i am on here to learn, sorry you couldnt finish it. oh well, just writing right now for the joy of writing.

kim

Nobody expects you to be perfect. That's why we critique your work

Actually, I have to disagree with aeroman, for the first paragraph anyway. I think that, too often writers don't put any scenery in at all, just because they want action all the time, but I like scenery. He loves it... so why can't the author describe it? A character is deep, not because of how many horrible things have happened to him, but rather because, no matter what has happened to him, he can still love. So it ends up being beneficial for him loving something.

So I would keep the first paragraph. It's probably not aeroman's cup of tea, but it isn't bad.

Just my two cents.

Snoink wrote:Actually, I have to disagree with aeroman, for the first paragraph anyway. I think that, too often writers don't put any scenery in at all, just because they want action all the time, but I like scenery. He loves it... so why can't the author describe it? A character is deep, not because of how many horrible things have happened to him, but rather because, no matter what has happened to him, he can still love. So it ends up being beneficial for him loving something.

So I would keep the first paragraph. It's probably not aeroman's cup of tea, but it isn't bad.

Just my two cents.

Scenery has its purpose, Snoink. But scenery does not define character and understanding the character's love for autumn I don't believe was the purpose of this story and certainly didn't add to it, at least in my opinion.

As Henry James states, "What is character but the determination of incident? And what is incident but the illumination of character?" In laymans terms: events in a story are specifically designed to bring out the truth about the characters so that we, the audience can transcend our ordinary lives and achieve a connection between the character and ourselves.

The first chapter of any novel is crucial to hooking the reader and gaining this connection through events. My cup of tea is that anything in that first chapter that is not making this happen should be tossed out.

For example: my story may be about a murder and in the first chapter my protagonist discovers the murder. My protagonist also loves winter. Am I going to tell how my protagonist loves winter and establish a happy tone in the first paragraph and then go to him coming home in the next paragraph and finding his wife dead, straight to a negative and mysterious tone? No. It's not logical, at least to me. It's not helping establish that connection at all. It's not my 'cup of tea.'

Anyway, that's just me.

Hehe, fun argument! Let's move it somewhere else and let this place be for her comments.

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Actually I like description of sceenary, I mean its the detail that really capture the reader into relating with the character. The line
The night air was crisp as was the ground under Seth’s footsteps. Fall finally made its entrance with the trees letting go of their leaves as if they knew the leaves were no longer needed for beauty.
That is good, its just the bit tat follows that isnt. If his mind is in so much turmoil, shouldnt he be trying to think of other things in the beggining? Maybe you should use the sceenary to capture the emotions going inside of him, and use the sceenary to protray those ideas would help to bring the reader into the story. I think that might solve aero's comment. As for the second paragraph, yeah a little bit more explanation would be good, but authors do usually use a lot of those questions to show that idea of confusion, even though its a confusing paragraph, you're supposed to understand how Seth is feeling: confused right?

xyberangel wrote:Actually I like description of sceenary, I mean its the detail that really capture the reader into relating with the character. The line
The night air was crisp as was the ground under Seth’s footsteps. Fall finally made its entrance with the trees letting go of their leaves as if they knew the leaves were no longer needed for beauty.
That is good, its just the bit tat follows that isnt. If his mind is in so much turmoil, shouldnt he be trying to think of other things in the beggining? Maybe you should use the sceenary to capture the emotions going inside of him, and use the sceenary to protray those ideas would help to bring the reader into the story. I think that might solve aero's comment. As for the second paragraph, yeah a little bit more explanation would be good, but authors do usually use a lot of those questions to show that idea of confusion, even though its a confusing paragraph, you're supposed to understand how Seth is feeling: confused right?

Wonderful idea, use the scenery to portray the emotion inside him. That works very well if written correctly.

Referring to the confusion, yes the reader is supposed to understand how Seth feels. But if the reader feels confused because there is way too many questions presented at once and a poorly presented paragraph then you lose any connection you had with the reader.

thanks , snoink aero and angel, your conversations are actually helping me out. i am going to rewrite the first chapter, i can see all three of your points.

kim

I have read this chapter when it was first posted. I had to come back and reread it, due to the controversy it seems to have created. Which is a good thing. There are many different idea's , and all of them work. Kim can change this, but honestly will everyone be happy with it.

I agree with all of the arguments, I personally dont agree with the way Aero first posted his comments. They were very helpful but also very mean and demeaning. If he was to take out the mean comments, then his words would have a greater effect to them.

I think it is great to see controversy. Kim yes you have alot of work a head of you. But realize you are just starting out and will learn with time.

I am liking your novel more and more with each chapter.

Keep up the good work.

lysolstinks

Just to be clear, I did not mean to insult Kim. I was trying to be as honest as possible and give Kim a clear picture of what was going through my head as I was reading. But I probably should've toned down the negativity. I do think Kim has potential just like any writer who is willing to give it their best shot and continue to work at it. I apologize if my remarks caused any harm. I did not intend them to do so.

that is ok Aero, really. i have learned alot more with these posts. lol. and can see my mistakes. thanks for your comments. i really do appreciate them.

Hm, this feels good to read. I liked how you structured it and you put a lot of thought into how you could improve it; that's real good!

I kinda like the whole religion aspect - myself not truly belonging to any religious group - and I think you have a real understanding on how to make the story feel right so that in some way, it fits the user.

Good work,
Mischief x

thank you mischiefmaker for taking the time to read my chapter and comment. i am glad you liked it. i am now up to chapter 11

kim