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5 Thomas Pinewood & The Grail Of Champions: Crash-Pre Re



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Thu Nov 15, 2007 11:44 pm
EliteHusky says...



Thomas gave Charlie, who was now shivering ferociously, his dark green jacket. They were crouching uncomfortably on the seats in the plane to protect Charlie from getting more soaked from the water at the bottom, than he already was. When he had pulled Charlie out of the water he noticed how incredibly cold his skin had become despite the short time he had been submerged. Thunder began to command the sky above followed by flashes of lightning. The smell of salt from the water and what possibly lay beneath it was slowly becoming noticeable.

“We have to keep him warm!” Emma shouted to Thomas over the gusting wind that collided with their faces.

He went back to his seat and searched through his possessions for any loose articles of clothing. Finding nothing but a handkerchief, he began searching through Charlie’s backpack. As he opened it he pulled out a bright red scarf and gave it to Emma who wrapped it around Charlie’s forehead.

“Anything else Thomas?” she asked hesitantly.

Thomas ran back and rummaged through the notebooks and sharp binders but found nothing else. Charlie slowly raised his right hand to thank them but seemed unable to lower it.

“His muscles are contracting!” Emma shouted, her face now in tears.

Thinking quickly Thomas grabbed Charlie’s backpack and waded towards where Emma and Charlie were, emptying the contents along the way.

“What are you doing!” she gasped, appalled.

He ignored her and crumpled some pages of notebook paper he was still holding. He took it and placed it into the bag before placing it over Charlie’s paralyzed arm, zipping it partially so it stayed on.

“Thanks mate.” Charlie stammered.

Others around the plane who were staring at them had gathered along the windows and were calling for help. He and Emma helped Charlie up as they made their way to see what everyone else was staring at. As they neared the window where Thomas and Charlie had been sitting previously, he could hear voices above.

“Huskies Unite!”

“It’s the Hungarians,” murmured Charlie as Emma and Thomas continued to stare through the broken glass.

The highest they could see was the edge of the left side of the ship. Thomas knew it was the left side because the bow of the ship was only a few feet short of where the plane’s broken propeller was located. Suddenly the sound of a cheer filled the air, one by one rope ladders were being unrolled and fell along the side of the ship until the ends floated on the surface of the water ahead of them. Inside the plane more water was starting to enter as the waves were constantly clashing.

There was no more screaming or yelling for help. Everybody was watching the men dive from the Hungarian ship row after row, until Thomas thought there were at least twenty men swimming towards them. They were dressed for the water in their red and Grey suits, and they all had short hair. Finally the closest one to them swam next to the window where he, Emma and Charlie were. He had muscular arms and looked older than Thomas, while his light brown hair was dark in the middle and his uniform had been cut by the arms as a piece came off as he neared them.

“Can I have a cloth please?” he asked pointing towards them while staring at Charlie in particular with his backpack still over his right arm.

Thomas remembered the handkerchief he had and handed it to him.

“I’m Igor, Igor Krishna” he said wrapping it around his fist.

“Nice to meet you….” Thomas calmly said as Igor broke off the shards of glass that were remaining on their window blow after blow using his fist.
Last edited by EliteHusky on Wed Jul 09, 2008 11:20 pm, edited 3 times in total.
  





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Fri Nov 16, 2007 12:44 am
Leja says...



Reading this, I thought I should be almost more afraid than I was. It's this horrible situation, but everything happened almost emotionlessly. I think this comes from too much treatment of action, and not enough attention to description. This doesn't mean you need a big info dump at the beginning, but add some sensory detail here and there; what did things smell like? What did the thunder and lightning feel like? The action, currently, is too quick for me to really get into it, making me wonder if you know enough of what you're writing about.
  





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Fri Nov 16, 2007 1:56 am
Tristanght says...



I may be just a beginner and a rookie at being an author, but i thought it was pretty good, i liked the situation and the emotions, but give a little bit more backround info and it should be good.
  





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Sat Nov 17, 2007 9:30 pm
Rydia says...



Okay, I want to get some minor corrections out of the way first -

They were crouching uncomfortably on the seats in the plane to protect Charlie from getting more soaked from the water at the bottom, [s]then[/s] than he already was.

When [s]he[/s] Thomas had pulled Charlie out of the water he noticed how incredibly cold his skin had become despite the short time he had been submerged.

As he opened it he pulled out a bright red scarf and gave it to Emma who wrapped it around Charlie’s forehead.

Thomas ran back and scrimmaged [Maybe rummaged would work better?] through the notebooks and sharp binders but found nothing else.

“His muscles are contracting!” Emma shouted, her face now in tears. [This is a little strange. Maybe hidden by tears or hidden behind tears.]

Thinking quickly Thomas grabbed Charlie’s backpack and waded towards where Emma and Charlie were, emptying the contents along the way.

“Huskies Unite!!!” [One exclamation point is sufficient.]

Thomas remembered the handkerchief he had and handed it to him.

_________________
Okay that's that out of the way now, you need to add a bit more description like the others have said but also, I have a very important question for you - how did Thomas hand the man outside the plane the handkerchief before he'd shoved his hand through the glass? And also why? You already mentioned the guy had long sleeves that came off the arm so why didn't he wrap those around his hand? Compared to them, what difference is a handkerchief going to make? Seriously, you need to make that part more believable and clearer.

Other than that, don't forget the importance of commas and other grammar because they tell your reader how to read the story and some sentences can be ambiguous without them. And generally, I do like where this is going. You're managing to steer away from the harry potter theme you had in the earlier chapters which is great and there's some nice dialogue. Do keep developing your characters and work on the general atmosphere of the piece.

Hope this helps and sorry if it sounds a bit harsh (again),

Heather xx
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