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Young Writers Society


Beggining of a hopefully novel, eddited



Do you like the name [i]Times Turning[/i]?

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Total votes : 3


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Sun Nov 13, 2005 10:07 pm
Twitch111 says...



Thanks to all the help I got I was able to eddit this. Hope you like it. :D I am thinking of calling this [i]Times Turning[/i], what do you think?
Renallia was excited to go. Today her science class was going on a field trip, which meant she got to miss math. Oh, how she hated math. Plus she got to hang out with her friends all day.They were going to hike dawn a canyon and collect samples for their microscopes.
She quickly put a sweater, five energy bars, her cell phone, a camera, and her laptop into her backpack. She then walked to school, where she boarded a bus that took her and her classmates to the canyon. Mr. Anderson led the class down the canyon. Renallia walked with her friend Shanon. They stopped to take a water sample and to take a break.
While the others were finishing taking the sample, Renallia spotted a small cave near the top of a ridge. She tapped Shanon on the shoulder.
Shannon turned around “What?” she asked.
“Look at that cave on the top of the ridge,” Renailla answered.
“Come on lets go check it out,” she said.
“We’ll get caught,” Shanon answered.
“Oh come on now he won’t see us,” Renailla said.
“If you want to go check it out your self. I will watch your back,” Shanon said.
“Ok, I will be back in a minute,” Renailla said as she climbed up the hill.
When she reached it she found it was quite small. On the wall there were cave paintings. It was odd. The style of painting was different than that of the American Indian paintings she was used to. She looked more closely at the paintings. She found it was actually one large scene. What she had first thought as a bird she found was a dragon. It was green and seemed to glow. Fire was shooting out of its mouth. In the background were other mythical creatures.
This is odd she thought. She reached out to touch the dragon’s scales. They almost seemed metallic. All of a sudden she heard a sound behind her. She whirled around, only to find a boy behind her, who apparently had tripped on a rock and was falling on her. She felt her back hit the paintings. She felt the wind being knocked out of her and the boy. Her last thought before darkness overwhelmed was Who is the boy.
**************************************************************************************
Mat had seen the girl in his class climbing up the hill into the cave. He had followed her to see what was so interesting.
He had found her looking at the paintings. He had taken a step closer to take a better look at the paintings, when he tripped on a rock. The girl had whipped around only to fall over onto the rock with half of him on top of her and the other half of him hitting the rock next to her. He had only enough time to see her pass out before he did.
**************************************************************************************
Renallia woke to find sun was shining on her face. Oh no, she thought, they found me and the boy knocked out on the floor and brought us out. He is going to yell at me now, Renailla thought shuddering.
She opened her eyes and tried to sit up. Her muscles seemed to scream. She looked around. The boy was lying next to her on his back. He had blonde hair. She couldn’t see his face but guessed he was one of two boys in her science class. He was either Mat or Alex. She didn’t really know Mat very well. All she knew was that he sat in the seat in front of her in class. She knew Alex though. Well actually she had been friends with the guy in fifth and sixth grade. He had been a nice guy then. They hadn’t had a class together in nearly five years, so she couldn’t really say how he was now.
She took her eyes off the boy and looked around herself. She was in a green, fertile valley. Where am I, she thought, nowhere in New Mexico is this green. Also there was no one was in sight except the boy.
Panic suddenly took hold of her. She was about to yell for help when a man rode up on horse back. He was wearing armor and carrying a sword. On seeing him the words stuck in her throat. Some thing told her that if the man saw her she would be in trouble, but at the same time she was thinking What the heck, where am I, and what idiot would dress up as a knight.
She looked at the boy and saw that he was sitting up and about to yell for help. She darted forward and clasped a hand over his mouth and at the same time realizing that the boy had gray instead of blue eyes, which is all of his face she saw before she knocked him over onto the ground. So he is Mat not Alex she thought. She thought she would be disappointment, but for some reason she wasn’t.
**************************************************************************************
Mat had finally come to his senses when he saw a man. He was about to yell for help when for some reason the girl lunged at him and stopped him. “What was that for,” he whispered catching the idea.
  





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Sun Nov 13, 2005 11:20 pm
Duskglimmer says...



You fixed alot of the things that I had pointed out before, but there's still a few things that I think are rather glaring... (like the comment of being able to tell whether it was Mat or Alex by the color of his eyes). Other than that, greatly improved, though you could still do with some rearrangement of the sentences to vary them a little.
The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief. ~William Shakespeare, Othello
Boo. SPEW is watching.
  





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Mon Nov 14, 2005 12:22 am
Sam says...



You get extra points because you're twelve too but you lose some because she hates math. :P

' Today her science class was going on a field trip, which meant she got to miss math. Oh, how she hated math. Plus she got to hang out with her friends all day.'


There are a couple ways that you could combine all these and still keep the original yumminess intact:

'Today her science class was going on a field trip, which meant she got to miss math -oh, how she hated math-plus, she got to hang out with her friends all day.'

or

'Today her science class was going on a field trip, which meant she got to miss math (oh, how she hated math), plus she got to hang out with her friends all day.

It'll make your beginning a lot less clunky. It doesn't matter which one you use (if any), just whatever looks good.

'and her laptop'

Quick technical nitpick- unless she's got a pretty good reason, which I'm not getting, she probably wouldn't bring a laptop to a canyon hike just because of the risk of breaking it.

The rest of it doesn't need major fixing, just put in a few commas here and there and you should be good to go.
Graffiti is the most passionate form of literature there is.

- Demetri Martin
  





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Mon Nov 14, 2005 4:51 am
J. Haux says...



Don't worry about a title until you've finished your story (meaning, the storyline as a whole). Then worry about it. :wink:

I noticed that you spend a lot less time on Matt's 'sections'. I don't know if that is on purpose, but if you want to familiarize us with his character (as a main character...on a more personal level), you could elaborate on his thoughts like you do with Renallia. They don't have to see it the same way. Also, you don't have to tell each part of the story from both sides all the time. I don't think so, anyway.

You've got some small spelling and grammar mistakes, but that will be corrected in time...when you get to your final draft, maybe, I'll point them out if you haven't fixed them already.

Overall, I think this is very good--refreshing. I'd like to read more. :D

Keep writing!

~Jacquie~
SPEW to You
  








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