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Chiharu~Prologue



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362 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 4206
Reviews: 362
Thu Dec 09, 2010 4:57 am
wonderland says...



This is my latest latest project. I thought of it, but not really, so it's gonna be a mess until I get a plot.





Prologue



I really hate running. It makes you sweaty, and sticky, and gross. You, as my subconscious, should know that. You should also know that I hate them. I hate them with a passion.

I’m sprinting through the open field, trying to avoid all searchlights. I knew they were looking for me, and I couldn’t get the feeling of her smile out of her head.

“Come on, Kaede!” I could hear the voice of Nate edging me on. He hid near the dorm buildings, in the bushes. If I squinted, I could see him hunkered down, his hair being blown about by the thin wind.

You should know how much I have crush on Nate, but of course that’s not allowed. They don’t want romance. It’ll taint us, and make deflect the 'normal values'.

It is past curfew, almost eleven o’clock. All the good little drones are sleeping, and, actually, I envy them. It is Nate who wanted to meet me at this ridiculous hour. It was me being foolish that brought me here.

“Hey, Kae.” Nate said. His bright green eyes searched mine and my heart began to race. I feel like a teenage girl I read about in my contraband romance novels. I am a walking contraband cliché.

“I am leaving.” Nate said breathlessly. I feel my eyes widen, my heart start to beat faster then it usually did when I was this close to Nate.

“Why?” It is the only thing I could think of to say.

“Have you noticed that we are all clone copies? We talk the same, walk the same, do the same things.” Nate says, “I am not a clone.” I fight tears from my eyes. Nate is my closest friend here.

“Can I-” I begin to ask.

“No.” Nate says, “you’re like my sister, Kaede, I can’t let you get in danger.” Before I can protest, Nate is gone. He is gone into the darkness, away from the town of Chiharu, where I am held, alone.
'We will never believe again, kick drum beating in my chest again, oh, we will never believe in anything again, preach electric to a microphone stand.'

*Formerly wickedwonder*
  





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Points: 1111
Reviews: 7
Thu Dec 09, 2010 5:37 am
Lsmatthews says...



I like this style of writing. Some people write first person pieces and put way to much descriptive detail into their sentences. I think you introduced well to your protagonist. Its hard to critique a first person piece as all the little glitches can be intentional, and build the character. Well done, i really liked it. Please let me know when you are going to add to this story
  





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Points: 1561
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Fri Dec 10, 2010 10:07 am
sarahk1771 says...



You did really well in this,
I like the idea and you should continue.
You do need to set a plot it would make it easier to write :)
Don't be afraid to go mad, it makes writing a funnier experience. :) Really good though.
playing with fire water
  





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739 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 32546
Reviews: 739
Fri Dec 10, 2010 10:00 pm
xXTheBlackSheepXx says...



This is so short! I wish you would've written more :)
The only thing that bothered me was how you seemed to switch in and out of tenses. You go from present tense to past and back again.
If you write more, and are short on reviews, send me a PM :)
Have a nice day!
~blacksheep
The bad news is we don't have any control.
The good news is we can't make any mistakes.
-Chuck Palahniuk
  








Go in fear of abstractions.
— Ezra Pound