Young Writers Society

Chapter 1


It was a sunny day in St. Petersburg, Florida, a Thursday to be exact and most kids were in school that day. Except me. I was boy of average height, with messy dark brown hair and blue eyes, and I was getting out of this damned place.
I sighed slightly, digging the keys to my Jeep Cherokee out of my pocket and calmly walking to the car. I knew I would probably be stopped again, but it was lunchtime. I had planned better this time. I was skipping today. I didn’t care if it meant being grounded or ISS or whatever, I just hated school, rules and authority.
My name is Nathaniel Stone, but no one called me by his full name. I was Nate, Nathan or Stone. I was an average sixteen year old who wanted to rebel. My one thing I hated most was my sister, my twin, Nora.
I had passed her as I weaved through the lunchroom, studying as she always did. God, she was such a teacher’s pet and “the perfect angel”. All the freaking time. It was so annoying!
I turned the key in my car, opening up the glove box and grabbing a small carton and a brightly colored object from it. Checking my mirrors, I backed out of the parking spot and zoomed out of the student parking lot. I saw the security ahead of me and chuckled slightly. As if that would stop me. It never had before.
“See ya, Boris!” I called, zooming past the old man, who was yelling incoherently at me. I laughed excitedly as I reached the red light, taking a right, heading towards a familiar park I always went to.
As I approached a stop light, I grabbed for the box I had put in the passenger and shook out a cigarette. Sticking it between my lips, I grabbed the lighter, quickly igniting it with ease and took a puff.
One of the few down sides of school, no drugs of any kind on campus. And I wanted my cigarettes. Though I knew of some choice places to go steal a quick smoke if I desperately needed one.
Driving by the park I normally visited when cutting school, I saw a cop car. Nope, not worth risking it. Sure, getting caught by the cops was bad in itself, but when you’re cutting school, smoking illegally, all while your dad’s a cop himself? Yeah, definitely don’t want to explain that one.
Making an adjustment to my plans, I got onto the highway, heading for the beach. I flicked my cigarette ashes out the window and snuffed it out in the ashtray. Sticking my now free arm out the window, I smiled. I loved the rush from this. Plus, the fresh air and the water at the beach was amazing.
Exiting the highway after about ten to fifteen minutes of driving, I found a hotel parking lot right on the beach and parked, hopping out of the Jeep and opening the back. Good thing I kept my surfboard and some swim trunks handy.
Grabbing the board and the trunks, I headed to find a bathroom to change, threw my clothes on the sand and ran out to the water. Once the water reached a little below my chest, I clambered onto my board and paddled out further into the water, waiting for a swell.


“Nathan! Where were you?” were the first words I heard when I walked through the back door of my house.
“Chill, Nora. I caught some swells, a smoke and came home.” I rolled my eyes at my sister.
“But you skipped class! When Dad finds out, you’ll be grounded again.”
I pinched my nose, letting out a sigh of frustration. “Do you think I care, Nora? He always grounds me. But does he ever arrest me for underage smoking? No.”
“Nate… please. If you just studied…”
“I don’t want to hear it, Nora. You’ve told me all this before. Nothing’s changed.”
Nora sighed, flipped her long black hair out of her face and went back to her homework.
I drug myself up two flights of stairs and to my small, cluttered bedroom. I slammed the door behind me and sat heavily on the bed. I grabbed a towel hanging from a chair in the room and dried my hair.
I heard a noise from outside, and peeked out. Fuck. Dad was home. As the door opened, I slowly made my way down the stairs, waiting for the perfect moment.
“Hi, Nora. How was school today?” I heard Dad ask.
“It was good, Dad. Though Nate…”
I dashed into the kitchen, skidding slightly, running into Nora’s chair.
Dad raised an eyebrow. “Nathan…?”
“She was just saying that I stayed at school all day today!” I said quickly.
“Mmm…. So the call I got at work today about you practically running over the security at your school was phony then?”
“Dammit.”
“Excuse me?”
“No….”
“You know what I need then, son.”
I frowned angrily and dug my keys out of my pocket, slamming them down on the table.
Dad pushed his glasses up further on his nose and plucked the keys from the table. “That’s not all I need, Nathan.”
“What? That’s not fair!”
“I’ve had enough of your little escapades, son. I want it all. Cigarettes, every single one. The Xbox too. Oh, and your cell phone.”
I glared daggers at him. “Fuck. You.”
“Excuse me? I don’t think I heard you cuss in my house.”
“I said fuck you, old man.” I swiped the keys from Dads hand, and ran to my room as fast as I could, locking the door behind me. I had to be quick. Only the necessities. I grabbed a thick dictionary from my bookshelf and flipped it open, revealing multitudes of cigarettes. I grabbed a bag from the floor, shoved two pairs of jeans, a t-shirt or two and a pair of clean boxers into it, all my money, then grabbed a box, stuffing all the cigarettes in it, throwing it into the bag too.
Glancing around, I grabbed my I-pod, skateboard, threw the bag onto my back and opened the window.
“Nathaniel! Open this door right NOW!” I heard Dad shouting from the other side. I knew it wouldn’t take long for him to break down the door, so I took a deep breath, glanced down and jumped.
Coughing from the rough impact with the grass, I rolled to my feet and ran to the car. Revving the engine, I threw the bag in the passenger’s seat and zoomed off down the road.

I honestly have no idea where you're going with this teenage rebel (I honestly don't like him), but I want to help, so here I am.

Comments/suggestions/corrections are in red.

Chapter 1


It was a sunny day in St. Petersburg, Florida, a Thursday to be exact and most kids were in school that day. Except me. I was boy of average height, with messy dark brown hair and blue eyes, and I was getting out of this damned place. I don't like this paragraph. It's tricky to write in first person if you want it to be good. What I mean is, no sane person is going to think about their height or looks while this is going on. Either change the point of view, or find some other way to tell the reader how he looks. Or better yet, leave it to the imagination. Your choice.
I sighed slightly, digging the keys to my Jeep Cherokee out of my pocket and calmly walking to the car. I think it would sound better "...pocket as I calmly walked to the car." I knew I would probably be stopped again, but it was lunchtime. I had planned better this time. I was skipping today. I didn’t care if it meant being grounded or ISS or whatever, I just hated school, rules and authority. Add some more details. No-one cares so far about your character. So far he is flat and uninteresting (sorry).
My name is Nathaniel Stone, but no one called me by his full name. no one called me by MY full name. I was Nate, Nathan or Stone. IHaha that's funny, since he's a skater, surfer, AND he does drugs. Stoner could be his nickname. was an average sixteen year old who wanted to rebel. My one thing I hated most was my sister, my twin, Nora.
I had passed her as I weaved through the lunchroom, studying as she always did. God, she was such a teacher’s pet and “the perfect angel”. All the freaking time. It was so annoying! Add more detail...
I turned the key in my car, opening up the glove box and grabbing a small carton and a brightly colored object from it. Checking my mirrors, I backed out of the parking spot and zoomed out of the student parking lot. I saw the security ahead of me and chuckled slightly. As if that would stop me. It never had before.
“See ya, Boris!” I called, zooming past the old man, who was yelling incoherently at me. I laughed excitedly as I reached the red light, taking a right, heading towards a familiar park I always went to. ,Messed up tenses. ("...took a right...")
As I approached a stop light, I grabbed for the box I had put in the passenger and shook out a cigarette. Sticking it between my lips, I grabbed the lighter, quickly igniting it with ease and took a puff. This sentence sounds weird, but I can't catch it. Edit it.
One of the few down sides downsides of school, no drugs of any kind on campus. And I wanted my cigarettes. Though I knew of some choice places to go steal a quick smoke if I desperately needed one. an absolutely confusing, unnecessary, and incorrect sentence. Remove it, add more interesting detail.
Driving by the park I normally visited when cutting school, I saw a cop car. Nope, not worth risking it. Sure, getting caught by the cops was bad in itself, but when you’re cutting school, smoking illegally, all while your dad’s a cop himself? Yeah, definitely don’t want to explain that one.
Making an adjustment to my plans, I got onto the highway, heading for the beach. I flicked my cigarette ashes out the window and snuffed it out in the ashtray. Sticking my now free arm out the window, I smiled. I loved the rush from this. Plus, the fresh air and the water at the beach was amazing. Uhhh, the rush from what? Detail please!
Exiting the highway after about ten to fifteen minutes of driving, I found a hotel parking lot right on the beach and parked, hopping out of the Jeep and opening the back. Good thing I kept my surfboard and some swim trunks handy.
Grabbing the board and the trunks, I headed to find a bathroom to change, threw my clothes on the sand and ran out to the water. Once the water reached a little below my chest, I clambered onto my board and paddled out further into the water, waiting for a swell.


“Nathan! Where were you?” were the first words I heard when I walked through the back door of my house.
“Chill, Nora. I caught some swells, a smoke and came home.” I rolled my eyes at my sister.
“But you skipped class! When Dad finds out, you’ll be grounded again.”
I pinched my nose, letting out a sigh of frustration. “Do you think I care, Nora? He always grounds me. But does he ever arrest me for underage smoking? No.”
“Nate… please. If you just studied…”
“I don’t want to hear it, Nora. You’ve told me all this before. Nothing’s changed.”
Nora sighed, flipped her long black hair out of her face and went back to her homework. okay, that does it. All of your characters are stereotypes, and not even interesting stereotypes. A rebellious surfer/skater/druggie and a teacher's pet? Really?
I drug myself up two flights of stairs and to my small, cluttered bedroom. I slammed the door behind me and sat heavily on the bed. I grabbed a towel hanging from a chair in the room and dried my hair.
I heard a noise from outside, and peeked out. Fuck. Dad was home. As the door opened, I slowly made my way down the stairs, waiting for the perfect moment.
“Hi, Nora. How was school today?” I heard Dad ask.
“It was good, Dad. Though Nate…” I find this really hard to believe. Only little kids nowadays tattle. If classmates don't tattle, then of course siblings won't tattle on each other, even if they hate each other. Bring more deoth to the characters and yheir relationships.
I dashed into the kitchen, skidding slightly, running into Nora’s chair.
Dad raised an eyebrow. “Nathan…?”
“She was just saying that I stayed at school all day today!” I said quickly.
“Mmm…. So the call I got at work today about you practically running over the security at your school was phony then?”
“Dammit.”
“Excuse me?”
“No….”
“You know what I need then, son.”
I frowned angrily and dug my keys out of my pocket, slamming them down on the table.
Dad pushed his glasses up further on his nose and plucked the keys from the table. “That’s not all I need, Nathan.”
“What? That’s not fair!”
“I’ve had enough of your little escapades, son. I want it all. Cigarettes, every single one. The Xbox too. Oh, and your cell phone.”
I glared daggers at him. “Fuck. You.”
“Excuse me? I don’t think I heard you cuss in my house.” Again, unbelievable and really flat. NO-ONE says fuck you to theirnparents if they are sane.
“I said fuck you, old man.” I swiped the keys from Dads hand, and ran to my room as fast as I could, locking the door behind me. I had to be quick. Only the necessities. I grabbed a thick dictionary from my bookshelf and flipped it open, revealing multitudes of cigarettes. I grabbed a bag from the floor, shoved two pairs of jeans, a t-shirt or two and a pair of clean boxers into it, all my money, then grabbed a box, stuffing all the cigarettes in it, throwing it into the bag too.
Glancing around, I grabbed my I-pod, skateboard, threw the bag onto my back and opened the window.
“Nathaniel! Open this door right NOW!” I heard Dad shouting from the other side. I knew it wouldn’t take long for him to break down the door, so I took a deep breath, glanced down and jumped.
Coughing from the rough impact with the grass, I rolled to my feet and ran to the car. Revving the engine, I threw the bag in the passenger’s seat and zoomed off down the road. yeah right, as if a guy jumping from thensecond floor would survive eithout any injuries. Come on, isn't it convenient he didn't even get a scrape? He should have at least sprained something. And I'm saying LEAST.

But don't get discouraged.We are all here to improve upon our mistakes, so please don't virtually decapitate me.
Keep writing, I bet you can come up with something way better if you just try. I know you can do it.

Hi, you have a very imaginative mind, but i quite don't understand why the character is very rebellious in the first place. Could you like give a reason why he is rebellious? Anyway nice job, keep it up.

I enjoyed reading this! It was interesting throughout, and the way the characters communicate is very plausible (if you're a teenage rebel who enjoys disobeying your parents, that is.)

There were a few places that seemed a little bit confusing to read, such as the first sentence, "It was a sunny day in St. Petersburg, Florida, a Thursday to be exact and most kids were in school that day." Maybe if it were to say, "It was a sunny Thursday in St. Petersburg, Florida, and most kids were in school," or something along those lines.

All in all thought, I do like this! Keep up the good work!

It was a sunny day in St. Petersburg, Florida, a Thursday to be exact and most kids were in school that day. Except me. I was boy of average height, with messy dark brown hair and blue eyes, and I was getting out of this damned place.
I thought the first few sentences could be changed around a bit.
It was a sunny Thursday morning in St. Petersburg, Florida, and most everyone was in school. Except me.I sighed slightly, digging the keys to my Jeep Cherokee out of my pocket and calmly walking to the car. I knew I would probably be stopped again, but it was lunchtime. I had (it all, everything) planned better this time. I was skipping today.(This line is unnecessary because you already established how he was skipping in the first paragraph) I didn’t care if it meant being grounded or ISS or whatever, I just hated school, rules and authority.
My name is Nathaniel Stone, but no one called me by his (typo, this)full name. I was Nate, Nathan comma or Stone. I was an average sixteen year old who wanted to rebel. My The one thing I hated most was my sister, my twin, Nora.
I had (cross out) passed her as I weaved through the lunchroom, studying as she always did. God, she was such a teacher’s pet and “the perfect angel”. All the freaking time. It was so annoying! Wouldn’t she be at school, then? Why was she at home?I turned the key in my car, opening up the glove box and grabbing a small carton and a brightly colored object from it. Checking my mirrors, I backed out of the parking spot and zoomed out of the student parking lot. I saw the security ahead of me and chuckled slightly. As if that would stop me. It never had before. Alright, I think I just got tripped a little. In the first paragraph, you said ‘everyone was at school, except me’, but apparently he IS at school, and is planning to skip. I thought by escape, you meant something along the lines of running away.

“Nathan! Where were you?” were the first words I heard when I walked through the back door of my house.
“Chill, Nora. I caught some swells, a smoke comma and came home.” I rolled my eyes at my sister.
“But you skipped class! When Dad finds out, you’ll be grounded again.”
I pinched my nose, letting out a sigh of frustration. “Do you think I care, Nora? He always grounds me. But does he ever arrest me for underage smoking? No.”
“Nate… please. If you just studied…”
“I don’t want to hear it, Nora. You’ve told me all this before. Nothing’s changed.”
Nora sighed, flipped her long black hair out of her face and went back to her homework. I thought her hair would be the same color as yours, since you were twins. Maybe you should say dyed black hair.I drug dragged myself up two flights of stairs and to into my small, cluttered bedroom. I slammed the door behind me and sat heavily on the bed. I grabbed a towel hanging from a chair in the room and dried my hair. Maybe a few of these sentences could be combined? I dragged myself up two flights of stairs and into my small, cluttered bedroom. Slamming the door behind me, I threw myself onto my bed and reached for a towel to dry my still-dripping hair.I heard a noise from outside, and peeked out my window.

Now the first thing I would do after impacting the ground after just a high fall, is scream in pain. Not cough. A bit more realism here would help. Maybe he was suppressing a yelp of pain or he had to limp away from a sprained ankle? You make him seem insensible.

All in all, it wasn’t bad; there weren’t many spelling/grammar errors, but there were quite a few past/present tense changes, and some weird sentence phrases. Honestly, I think it would make it a lot better if you chose to write this in 3rd person, because you don’t put any voice to Nathan’s character, where you do describe his actions and appearance quite a bit. I think it might help you if you wrote it that way.

As for the characters, I found it hard to connect with them. Their wasn’t an ounce of vulnerability to Nathan, and you made him come off as invincible. And for some reason the combination of ‘smoker’ and ‘surfer’ don’t really fit well for me; I always imagined surfers being a little more careful of the environment. I don’t know, maybe that’s just me.

I have to disagree with delmarria when she said that a sibling would never tattle on the other in that situation. First, I hardly consider it tattling when a sibling points out that her underage brother was doing drugs and skipping school. And secondly I think it’s believable, because obviously she’s just trying to help him. Also, I thought it was very believable when he spat out the f-bomb at his father, because frankly I have done that same thing (in a different situation, of course).

But this is your story, and you can write it however you want. These are only suggestions meant to help.
I notice you had part 2 up, so I’ll be heading on to that.

the plot so far seems bland and ordinary, so i think it would be best to add something that really gets peoples attention, and makes them interested in what's going on. I suppose there are many people who can relate to your charecter, but frankly I thought he was a jerk. if that was what you were going for then great, but if you intended us to feel for him, or become at all atached to him, you need to say what he is feeling and thinking. feeling is often difficult with first person narritive, but observations about his situations arn't quite so hard. all in all, i'd say it needs more plot and charecter development.
your friend,
---Psudiname

After following 3 chapters of my story, I feel like the least I can do is review something of yours.

It was a sunny day in St. Petersburg, Florida, a Thursday to be exact and most kids were in school that day. Except me. I was boy of average height, with messy dark brown hair and blue eyes, and I was getting out of this damned place. Common mistake here, but you're rushing for description. There are more meticulous ways of describing in the first person, but the key is to make sure that the information is presented relevently. We don't need to know the second sentence in exactly what he looks like.

I sighed slightly, digging the keys to my Jeep Cherokee out of my pocket and calmly walking to the car. I knew I would probably be stopped again, but it was lunchtime. I had planned better this time. I was skipping today. I didn’t care if it meant being grounded or ISS or whatever, I just hated school, rules and authority. Ah, the infamous rebel complex. This is a somewhat overdone character, but it's also relateable to teenagers (which is why it's used so much). The problem is, since it has been used so many times, you really have to find your own niche in it, and keep it realistic. What does he "just hate" authority? Foreshadow a background that gives him a reason.

My name is Nathaniel Stone, but no one called me by his full name. I was Nate, Nathan or Stone. I was an average sixteen year old who wanted to rebel. My one thing I hated most was my sister, my twin, Nora. First off, the way it's written it just doesn't sound relevent to what you're talking about. You just kind of jump from one subject to an unrelated one. I can tell you're trying to squeeze in a lot of character background into a little space. Don't. Let your character breathe. We'll learn these things in time.

Okay, so your character development is really what's hurting you. This being the first chapter, who knows where this could go? I'm curious to find out, but even the best plot can't be held up with a 2-dimensional and unlikeable protagonist. No matter who it is, or how dispicable they are, you've got to give the MC likeable qualities that give us sympathy. Without that connection, we see a loser that we would never feel sorry for. Give Nate a doorway for us - a link to the reader. Do that, and he doesn't have to be perfect. Or even decent. Do that and I think you could turn this whole entire story around.

Keep writing,
StoryWeaver

Hey Megan there. Shrubbery here as a co-judge of Skins' She's the Man contest. I would here review you and try to be of some help.



So what I think is that you shouldn't have told the eye colour and the hair colour to the readers, while you were introducing this character. You know the way was very informal or you could say frank, and once you're a writer, you've to start escaping from these kind of ways, and try to be more imaginative. I'd like you to tell all these details once we've been more accustomed to the story and we have more idea of the character. But if it's really important to tell like this, then your wish. Secondly, you even tell the writer's name directly. I don't mind it. But that doesn't give quite a good impression since you've done the same thing with the eye and hair colour.

I'd agree with one of the reviewers here that I couldn't understand exactly why was he such a rebellious guy. There are some people who find peace in doing so, but is he one of them? If not, we'd surely need a reason to believe this story. Otherwise, this really sounds like a fantasy thing. My other problem here would be that you could have dragged this further. Not like write more or continue this story. But just made it longer, only because we'd have liked to see more of his ways. How exactly he felt while in the water. Did he feel like a free bird because of all the watching his dad and sister used to do on him? What all went in his mind? We didn't know all this. On the positive side, I really liked your grammar. There were no flaws here like we get so see from new members like you yourself are. So that is a very good thing. You could always learn all these tactics, but the most important thing you should have is solid grammar, and I guess you have it. So you won't have much problem. You just need to navigate your way around and you'll be perfect.

Now what all to improve on. Firstly, you need to work out on your descriptions. You didn't have many of them here, and I'd have loved to see some. Like how his sister looked. Like him? Or did she always appear to be that kind of girl who's always glued to the books? How his father looked. You told he was a cop so when he comes back you could give a little bit of how his uniform looked. All these kind of stuff. You know little informations like these can help enhancing your story. You should be working out on that. Other thing would be about your vocabulary. Right now what I think is that you should work more on that since most of the words you used were plain and lacked new-ism. I'd have liked to see some new words or words out of the ordinary conversations. Secondly, don't jump from one place to other. Right now I could have had more of how he escaped. And the trip he made before should also have been highlighted. That trip could have adjoined a lot about his personality. So I think that disappointed me a lot. You had a long time and a very good place to develop his character. But I think you didn't actually use it that well. Just try harder next time.

Also, he curses a lot. Any main thing about it too? I know how teenagers are. They want to rebel and go against what their parents keep telling them. I know all that, but don't you think cursing with that F-word went too far? Or maybe it's what your character needs. I don't know. It was later I realized that it's the chapter. I thought it was a short story. So I would like to say that your start could be more pulling, and I'd love to review more chapters if you post. Do tell me if you do. I'll love to be of some help.

From Contest POV:
Nit-picks aside, this piece has huge potential. It would be good once you've added in more stuff and revised what was there before. Also, from contest POV, this was great. I mean the task was to write from boy's POV and even if I hadn't known that this one was a boy's POV, I could make out. Right from his walk to his style, his cursing, I was constantly reminded of a boy only. So, it's good. You should work more and this would turn out to be a brilliant piece.

Thanks for participating,
Shubhi