z

Young Writers Society


Tomorrow



User avatar
19 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 610
Reviews: 19
Sat Jan 15, 2011 12:58 am
GrenadeCatcher says...



“They’re gonna get you too! I’m not crazy! Don’t trust him!” screamed Zachary as he was loaded into a van. Can you believe it? Zach thought that He was going to run us to the ground. He is the new Us. We are the new Tomorrow. How can We go against Him? If only I knew then what I know now. If only Star had come earlier. If only, if only.

Everything is messed up. We believed Him and He lead Us to destruction. We have to save Us before he does anymore damage.

Now it’s up to the Generation to save Us.

All of us.

But I should start from the beginning. Before Us and Him and Tomorrow. I was thirteen when it all started, in eighth grade at Urruchi Jr. High.

“Bean! Over here!” my friends called to me. My name is Alexandria Olivia Bean. My friends call me Drea or Bean though. It what my school calls Half Time. Twenty minutes where we can hang out in the commons an hour after lunch. I wandered over to where my friends were sitting; at the fountain with all the other popular people. I hugged Annie and Sara before sitting next to Zach, quarterback on the football team, ninth grader, and major hottie.

He smiled his dazzling smile that made my heart melt. How could someone with such perfect teeth, such blue eyes, and such perfect brown hair like someone like me? A girl who only comes up to his shoulder with shocking red hair and bright green eyes that were slightly cat-like. But he did. He told his best friend Sam, who told Sara, who told Amy, who told Kyle, who told his girlfriend Angie who told Annie who told me.

“Bean? Did you hear me? I said who are your parents voting for president?”

“Oh! Sorry,” I said, snapping out of my daydream. “Well they’re voting for that one guy. What’s his name? It? Sir?”

“I think it’s Him.”

“Who?” I said swilling my head around.

“No, that’s his name.”

“Oh,” I replied. My cheeks went red when he laughed. “Well anyway he seems like a creep. I mean his eyes are so…”

“Hypnotizing?” He cut in.

“Creepy.”

“Well I think my parents actually like him too, I mean talk about weird.”

I nodded in agreement.

“He does make a good point. In 2010 everyone thought that by now we would be living on the moon in some high-tech world. We’re still on earth. It is time for change.”

“You sound like my mom!” gave him a friendly shove. But was he really that far off? I mean he had visions of a new
tomorrow, where there was no garbage or pollution. Where we lived in peace with no wars. That was good wasn’t it? But something in his eyes, something deep down inside told me, wasn’t right. Everyone else I knew said they’re parents were going to vote for him. It seemed inevitable.


He referred to the children from ages ten to sixteen Us, with a capital U. He said We (he used a capital W because it was still Us, but in different form I think) were the new Tomorrow with a capital T. It felt good being a part of something bigger than me, something that will help the world. He was starting to sound better and better.

“Who in tarnation is that?” Annie said, a little too loudly. Everyone turned their heads to where she was pointing. Standing right in a beam of light was a girl. I had never seen her before, I would certainly remember someone like her.

She had eyes like a deer’s when it’s caught in the headlights. They were round and electric blue, framed with thick, dark lashes and fixed in a spot somewhere in the distance, up high. She was as pale as a sheet of paper with hair that was so blond the sun went right through it. It fell in perfect ringlets down to the small of her back. Some pieces were braided and there was an orange daisy tucked behind her ear. Just by looking at her you could tell she was different. The way she stared at nothing was strange. She wasn’t taking in her surroundings or looking at people, she just stared at a little spot in the sky with a dreamy look on her far.

Anna walked right up to her. I trailed a few feet behind.

“Are you new? I’m Anna. What’s your name?” The girl blinked her eyelashes twice and turned towards Anna with the same
stare. She looked straight in her eyes.

“Did you say something?” she asked. Her voice was incredibly high, but it wasn’t annoying. It was extremely dreamy and had a touch of crazy in it but remained calm.

“I said I’m Anna, what’s your name?” Compared to Anna’s thick southern accent, the girls’ voice was pleasant, strange, but pleasant.

“Well, you see, a name is just a word. A word is in the dictionary and has a meaning; a definition. Definitions can be changed easily, so can words. So why can’t names?” she stopped talking. There was a pause, while her eyes slowly crept upward towards the spot. After a few moments, she said “You can call me Star.”

She walked off. No explanation, no more conversation, she just walked off. Annie and I looked at each other. We burst out laughing. Who was this nut job? The people who were around us were chuckling too. She had gone to the grassy area where most people avoided, we weren’t allowed on the grass, and sat down. She laid her canvas book bag next to her and pulled out a notebook. She grabbed a pencil and set it down. Next she pulled out a small ukulele. She laid the notebook open in front of her and held the ukulele as if meaning to play.
Sure enough, she began to strum out a tune. It was simple but sweet. Nobody paid much mind; often times people played their band or orchestra instruments outside. What nobody expected was for her to start singing.

What was even more shocking was she was good. Really good.

“And the moon and the stars
Don’t have to agree,
But why oh why can’t we just be
Happy as one, free to be
Me and no one else.”

She sang it loud in her high pitched voice, her eyes fixed on the sky. Nobody spoke. We were all listening to this girl who randomly showed up, called herself Star, sat on the grass, and began to sing. When the bell rang she stood, packed up her things and walked away. I was lagging behind a little, dreading math.

“Hello,” came the dreamy voice from behind me.

“Oh, hi… Star.”

“You know, he’s going to win.”

“Who?”

“Him.”

“Oh, you mean Him. What makes you say that?”

“He’s hypnotizing us all. But not me… I can see through it all.” The way she poke, so slow and deliberate made her sound so crazy.

“Oh!” she suddenly cried out. For the first time she was looking down, her rain boots, which were rainbow stripes, had
splashed into a puddle.

“What’s wrong?” I asked her.

“Well, you see, I stepped in a puddle. I think I may have killed a fish.” I gawked at her as she checked the bottoms of her
shoes. I turned and speed walked as fast as I could away from her.
Love is all you need (Babadada)
Hide yo wife! Hide yo children! Hide yo HUSBAND! They rapin EVERYBODY out there!
  





User avatar



Gender: Male
Points: 1161
Reviews: 4
Sat Jan 15, 2011 2:25 pm
HMASNameless says...



Firstly, you are a good writer, KEEP IT UP! I can tell your into a lot of young adult books as that is the way you write. Which isn't a bad thing, but this will become your target audience and you must focus on it :)
Before I go into further stuff firstly may I ask if you have ever read the Tomorrow series by the Australian Author, John Marsden (I think, I may be mistaken). Your story just reminds me a bit of it, the whole lets start from the beginning speal at the beginning like someone is recording what they have seen is very reminiscent of the first book in the series.
First up, I think, although it is a bit cliche you have introduced us well to the main characters in an easy to read way.
One thing however is that there is a significant lack of description in the piece. It would be a bit more realistic and easy to picture if you laid out a few sentences to tell us about the look and feel of the school grounds etc.
You've done a good job of laying out social interactions and it feels like that group I am in at school :P
but it would be cool and interesting if you could delve a bit into the characters rather than righting a certain character off as a "hottie" football guy etc.
But I expect you to go into this later one anyways.
Overall, its a nice start and I will follow :)
  





User avatar
62 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1393
Reviews: 62
Sat Jan 15, 2011 8:57 pm
Destiny110 says...



the story is good, i like the way it starts in the present and then sets off into the past to explain the story, i was bummed that it ended to be honest :) but i do have one thing abut it, when people were talking, excluding the part where Bean was talking to star you didn't really say who was speaking. apart from the the story is really good!
The last person to mess with me and my tigerness lost his face...and his COOKIES!
  








We understand how dangerous a mask can be. We all become what we pretend to be.
— Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind