Young Writers Society

I am planning on entering this in this contest: post809904.html#p809904
So PLEASE make your reviews as harsh as possible. Thanks for reading! Pointe



Pens and Knives
Preface:
“Are you sure it’s a good idea Lema?” her voice was slurred and raspy like an old man's.
“Yes I am AmiLyn,” His voice hissed like a snake about to strike. She shook her head, “my children and their children cursed forever?” her voice wavered as she breathed her last breath.
“I regret it AmiLee, but I am only a human through which a unknown power works.” He turned at her shuddering breath. “Goodbye AmiLyn, Last Empress of sholamain.” He turned on his heel and left his workroom, forever.


Prologue:
Evan bent down over his papers, reading from a text book that lay open to the 345th page. He was scribbling hard and fast, His eyes flying between the notebook and the text-book. She walked up behind him, her heart beating faster than it ever had before. Evan didn’t hear her faltering footsteps, muffled by the thick green carpet. She gripped the knife in her hand, tighter than she had ever held anything in her life. Tears were streaming down her face and into her long brown hair. She lifted her arms and stabbed down, piercing a wound in his back. Blood spurted, falling thickly onto the carpet below, staining it crimson. His body was seized with convolutions, he leaned back until her caught sight of her face, tear stained, holding the knife above her head, preparing to stab his venerable neck. The blood flowed, streaming in little rivers across the floor, and pooling at the edges of the carpet. His face paled, and then he fell, his hands falling to his sides, lifeless and unmoving. She pushed his head over, flipping him to his other cheek and bent down, kissing his still warm lips. “Forgive me Evan,” she whispered, and then she walked away, her black stilettos splattered with warm scarlet blood.


One
~The Master~
___________________________________________________________________________________
Fear of a name only increases fear of name itself. J.K. Rowling
{Alyssa}

Her footsteps echoed down the long corridor, her shadow flickering across the walls, lit by the sconces in the celling. She stopped at the end, knocking twice on the wood door. It swung open and a voice hissed, inviting her inside.
“Hello Alyssa Niles,”
“Hi,” she hesitantly, stepping into the room.
It was dark; the celling painted midnight blue and black. The furniture was dark blue and spotted with silver stars and moons. A man shone out against his dark surroundings, white hair, pale face, watery blue eyes.
“Is your assignment complete?” his voice, so much like a snake's hiss whispered.
“Yes,” her voice broke, rising several octaves.
“Hmm. I didn’t think you would be able to do it,” he lisped.
“You underestimated my dedication.”
“Maybe. The board will be very pleased that you have the ability to discipline yourself,”
“I am glad I could be of some assistance.”
“I am very pleased Miss Niles. Very pleased…”

Alyssa shifted from one foot to another, uncomfortable under this snake-like man’s praise. She looked around, taking in the oddities of the room. Silver instruments lay on coveted antique tables, and a large bookcase stood against the wall but instead of holding books, it held glass orbs with different colored smoke swirling in the bottom of each one. She took a step closer to the bookcase, leaning forward to look—
“Ms. Niles!” The man’s voice came from across the room.
“Yes, Master?” she said, turning to face him, disappointed she had not seen what was sitting in the middle of the smoke.
“I dislike people turning their backs on me. Face me please.”
Alyssa sighed, turning the rest of her body towards him and walking towards the desk where he was sitting.
“Sit down Ms. Niles,” he said, waving a regal hand to the couch positioned facing him.
She did, settling back in the soft cushions.
“I have a new assignment for you.”
She leaned forward, praying it wasn’t another murder.
“I want you to go to the Sholamain.”
She jumped back, surprised. Only senior Dark Angels went to the Sholamain, an alternate universe, where you could spend days training for combat. But Dark Angels hadn’t gone to The Sholamain Fort for a long time.
“I know what you are thinking,” The Master said, leaning forward slightly. “This is dangerous. This could kill me.”
Alyssa shuddered, wrapping her arms around her chest, as if to protect herself from the overwhelming despair that had enveloped her. “I don’t mind Master.” She said haltingly, letting her arms fall to her sides, struggling to keep her face impassive.
“Are you sure Ms. Niles?” he whispered, leaning forward even more, laying his hands on the table and thrusting himself towards her. “Are you very sure?”
He’s testing me… she thought. This is a test.
“I am completely and totally sure,” Alyssa replied. Biting her lip.
“Well then you won’t mind signing this… Will you?” he held a paper out to her, his hand steady.
“No… Of course not,” She whispered, her voice higher than normal. She took the paper, her hand not steady.
“Then sign on the dotted line.” He said, holding out a pen.
She laughed nervously, and scribbled her name. Alyssa Elyon Niles
“What an interesting last name.” he hissed, his eyes dilating as he looked down at the signature.
“My mother named me that,” Alyssa replied, blushing. “I hate it.”
“You should never hate your last name Ms. Niles. It’s the only thing in this life that is truly yours.”
“Yes sir.”

Just a short note as I didnt have much time to nit-pick. This looks really promising and intersesting with the dual storyline. Be careful when it comes to linking these together as it makes it didfficult to look at the same thing from both points of view.
One point, once or twice Alyssa is called 'ms.niles' and at others 'miss Niles'. To keep it consistent I suggest you change on of these.
Happy writing!

Hi Pointe!

First, nitpick. Since it's for a contest, I'll point out any and all errors. x)

“Are you sure it’s a good idea, Lema?” Her voice was slurred and raspy like an old man's.
“Yes I am, AmiLyn,” His voice hissed like a snake about to strike. Voices don't really hiss... maybe, His voice was like the hiss of a snake about to strike. She shook her head. “My children and their children cursed forever?” Her voice wavered as she breathed her last breath.
“I regret it AmiLee, 1) Most people don't say the person's name a lot when they talk. In this case, he has said two things and said her name in both. A little unnatural. 2) Is her name AmiLyn or AmiLee? but I am only a human through which a unknown power works.” He turned away from her? at her shuddering breath. “Goodbye AmiLyn, Woah, repeated again. I think saying her name here is good, so take it out in the last line. Last Empress of sholamain.” He turned on his heel and left his workroom, forever.


Prologue:
Evan bent down over his papers, reading from a text book that lay open to the 345th page. He was scribbling hard and fast, his eyes flying between the notebook and the text-book. She walked up behind him, her heart beating faster than it ever had before. Evan didn’t hear her faltering footsteps, muffled by the thick green carpet. She gripped the knife in her hand, tighter than she had ever held anything in her life. Tears were streaming down her face and into her long brown hair. She lifted her arms and stabbed downwards, piercing a wound in his back This is awkward. The way you say 'piercing a wound' makes me think that there was a previous wound and she pierced it again... Which is clearly not what you meant. creating a wound would be better, i think.. Blood spurted, falling thickly onto the carpet below, staining it crimson. His body was seized with convolutions, convolutions? I think you mean convulsions. he leaned back until her caught sight of her face, I find this a little awkward. If he's convulsing, he wouldn't be able to specifically lean backwards to see her. Maybe.. His body twisted backwards until her face came in his view or something. Also, I would start a new sentence now... Her face was tear stained, and she was holding the knife above her head, preparing to stab his venerable Venerable? That's a little weird, I think.. did you mean vulnerable? neck. The blood flowed, streaming in little rivers across the floor, and pooling at the edges of the carpet. His face paled, and then he fell, his hands falling to his sides, lifeless and unmoving. She pushed his head over, flipping him to his other cheek and bent down, kissing his still warm lips. “Forgive me Evan,” she whispered, and then she walked away, her black stilettos splattered with warm scarlet blood. Good description here!
Additionally, I would try to split this into two paragraphs. it looks like a giant wall of text. See how it works for you(:

One
~The Master~
___________________________________________________________________________________
Fear of a name only increases fear of name itself. J.K. Rowling
{Alyssa}

Her footsteps echoed down the long corridor, her shadow flickering across the walls, lit by the sconces in the celling. She stopped at the end, knocking twice on the wood door. It swung open and a voice hissed, inviting her inside.
“Hello Alyssa Niles.”
“Hi,” she said hesitantly, stepping into the room.
It was dark; the celling was painted midnight blue and black. The furniture was dark blue and spotted with silver stars and moons. A man shone I don't like the use of 'shone' here... it's weird. Maybe stood out?out against his dark surroundings, white hair, pale face, watery blue eyes.
“Is your assignment complete?” his voice, so much like a snake's hiss, whispered.
“Yes.” Her voice broke, rising several octaves.
“Hmm. I didn’t think you would be able to do it,” he lisped.
“You underestimated my dedication.”
“Maybe. The board will be very pleased that you have the ability to discipline yourself,”
“I am glad I could be of some assistance.”
“I am very pleased, Miss Niles. Very pleased…”

Alyssa shifted from one foot to another, uncomfortable under this snake-like man’s praise. She looked around, taking in the oddities of the room. Silver instruments lay on coveted antique tables, and a large bookcase stood against the wall but instead of holding books, it held glass orbs with different colored smoke swirling in the bottom of each one. She took a step closer to the bookcase, leaning forward to look—
“Ms. Niles!” The man’s voice came from across the room.
“Yes, Master?” she said, turning to face him, disappointed she had not seen what was sitting in the middle of the smoke.
“I dislike people turning their backs on me. Face me please.”
Alyssa sighed, turning the rest of her body towards him and walking towards the desk where he was sitting.
“Sit down Ms. Niles,” he said, waving a regal hand to the couch positioned facing him.
She did, settling back in the soft cushions.
“I have a new assignment for you.”
She leaned forward, praying it wasn’t another murder.
“I want you to go to the Sholamain.”
She jumped back, surprised. Only senior Dark Angels went to the Sholamain, an alternate universe, where you could spend days training for combat. But Dark Angels hadn’t gone to The Sholamain Fort for a long time.
“I know what you are thinking,” The Master said, leaning forward slightly. “This is dangerous. This could kill me.”
Alyssa shuddered, wrapping her arms around her chest, as if to protect herself from the overwhelming despair that had enveloped her. “I don’t mind Master.” She said haltingly, letting her arms fall to her sides, struggling to keep her face impassive.
“Are you sure Ms. Niles?” he whispered, leaning forward even more, laying his hands on the table and thrusting himself Maybe this is just me, but your word choice seems a bit awkward. I would say something like moving himself towards her. Or pushing himself towards here. towards her. “Are you very sure?”
He’s testing me… she thought. This is a test.
“I am completely and totally sure,” Alyssa replied, biting her lip.
“Well then you won’t mind signing this… Will you?” He held a paper out to her, his hand steady.
“No… Of course not,” she whispered, her voice higher than normal. She took the paper, her hand not steady.
“Then sign on the dotted line," he said, holding out a pen.
She laughed nervously, and scribbled her name - Alyssa Elyon Niles.
“What an interesting last name.” he hissed, Dialogue punctuation should be fixed here. And again, I don't think you can hiss a word... his eyes dilating as he looked down at the signature.
“My mother named me that,” Alyssa replied, blushing. “I hate it.”
“You should never hate your last name, Ms. Niles. It’s the only thing in this life that is truly yours.”
“Yes sir.”

---x-

I have to run right now, but I'll come back in a little bit and finish this review x) I wanted to post the nitpick since I actually did it. xD

Hey there Pointe,

Well, Pari did another incredible job while reviewing your piece.

What more is there to add? Hmmm.

I'M not sure if this completely works for the contest, because she says she wants first paragraphs. Do Preface and Prologues count in there? I honestly don't know.

Personally? I'd cut out the preface or seriously edit it. Why? Because it doesn't add anything to the story. I mean, she's dying and finds out her family's curse, and I could mentally see her shrug. She has no emotion, nothing, regarding what her family will be facing.

The prologue was better, but . . . Again, I'm not sure I like it. I mean, I don't care that she's killed her boyfriend. Because we just 'walked into' the story, we don't know if he was a complete jerk or not, which means it might be a GOOD thing she killed him, you know? I like your description in the prologue, though, because it showed her hesitation. That was good. You did it well.

I find it to be an interesting concept for a story. Just keep in mind to keep your pace slow, your descriptions vivid. Picture yourself in your readers' shoes. We want to be in your MC's mind, seeing and thinking and touching whatever they are.

Good luck with the contestt!

Tanya

Weeeee hi Pointe! I don't usually red the reviews before me, so sorry if some of this is repeated!

“I regret it AmiLee, but I am only a human through which a unknown power works.” He turned at her shuddering breath. “Goodbye AmiLyn, Last Empress of sholamain.”

Typo name change?

Evan bent down over his papers, reading from a text book that lay open to the 345th page. He was scribbling hard and fast, his eyes flying between the notebook and the text-book

“Forgive me Evan,” she whispered, and then she walked away, her black stilettos splattered with warm scarlet blood.

I like this part quite a bit.

Her footsteps echoed down the long corridor, her shadow flickering across the walls, lit by the sconces in the celling. She stopped at the end, knocking twice on the wood door. It swung open and a voice hissed, inviting her inside.

I'm guessing this is the same girl? Now I really don't see the point in having both a prologue and a preface, especially since I read them I'm going into the first chapter pretty confused already.

It was dark; the celling painted midnight blue and black. The furniture was dark blue and spotted with silver stars and moons. A man shone out against his dark surroundings, white hair, pale face, watery blue eyes.

Blue blue blue. Try using a different describing word.

“Is your assignment complete?” his voice, so much like a snake's hiss whispered.

You already describe it before the same way, mix it up a bit.

Alyssa shifted from one foot to another, uncomfortable under this snake-like man’s praise.

Again, mix up your descriptions love.

She jumped back, surprised. Only senior Dark Angels went to the Sholamain, an alternate universe, where you could spend days training for combat. But Dark Angels hadn’t gone to The Sholamain Fort for a long time.

Grrrr this sounds really interesting, but I still am confused about things which is incredibly frustrating. Hopefully you'll explain things in the next chapter.

Alyssa Elyon Niles

“What an interesting last name.” he hissed, his eyes dilating as he looked down at the signature.
“My mother named me that,” Alyssa replied, blushing. “I hate it.”

How could her mother name her last name? o.O also why is he acting surprised? He's been calling her Ms. Niles this whole time.

Good start you have here, but I'd really like things explained a little more. Like what the beginning part was about, who the man she killed was, and what kind of relationship she had with him was.

Hope I helped!

~Hope

Hey there!
Thanks for requesting.

First a couple of little things I wanted to mention.
You seem to shuffle through with with names. Is she AmiLynn or AmiLee? And Miss Niles or Ms. Niles? Stick to one and consistency makes everything sound nicer while reading.
You miss dialogue tags in some places and in others, I think you underestimate the power of using 'said.' Don't over do the hissing, rasping etc.

In the preface, when the person's talking to the Empress, I though she should have a little more respect, if you're not saying that sarcastically. She is the Empress after all.
Also; not sure if you need a preface and a prologue. Why? I'm not sure it helps your story. On that note, I like the prologue better. I like the mini plot there, but my only nitpick is that you used too many physical descriptions. Like, yes red blood, and instead of saying blood stained it crimson, say something like there's now a pattern of crimson lines on the carpet/ Also; there is a mild character switch in the lines. Try to avoid that; you can do it in different chapters/paragraphs, but in a single one, it confuses the reader.

Onto the chapter one.
JKR quote! Super YAY!
Intro dialogue was good. Personally, I'm not a fan of ellipses, so I didn't like the lats line.And I would love some dialogue tags.
Now, I don't like the overuse of 'snake' descriptions. When used in moderation, it is wonderful in your story. But in excess, it makes me think, oh, she needs some newer adjectives.
Now, why should he say what an interesting last name if he already uses it? It seems out of the flow. And also, as someone in a junior rank in an organization, they don't generally say 'I hate it' to a senior. It might reflect badly on that person from the senior's POV.
And don't you think she should read the document before signing? What are her thoughts? Shouldn't she discuss its contents with him? She doesn't seem like a person who would spontaneously say yes to a document.

So, plot : I am intrigued, yes. Very. It seems interesting, and all I hope this doesn't become a prophecy-hero doomed to save the world cliche. However, if you work that out well, it can be made into a wonderful story.
Title: I'd rather not Dark Angels as it's a title that I might avoid in a book store.

Hope to've helped.
Cheers,
~Lava