Young Writers Society

One

I’ve served as a surgeon for many years now. I’ve treated missing limbs, arrow wounds and crushed bones. I’ve seen caved and cleaved skulls, men who have already begun decomposing when they were bought to my table. Peasants come to me with all manners of problems. They look to me with hope to cure anything from a splinter to a broken spine. I can guarantee you that if you tell me an ailment, I have treated it. But sometimes, there are things I cannot fix. Let me tell you now that trying to tell the families of your patients that there is nothing you can do is the most horrible task any man could perform. Watching the hope drain from their eyes to be replaced with tears is a feeling that will haunt you for the rest of your life.
I thought I’d witnessed every degree of horror until that fateful day at Arnham back in the snows of winter.

Arnham was a small village on the outskirts of the kingdom. In the summer, the place was buzzing with activity as the farmers worked about their harvests, but in the winter, it was a desolate wasteland. In the winter there was no reason to go outside. All the crops were harvested and the thick layers of snow made it impossible to plant more. The villagers just stayed inside and survived on the food that they had stockpiled in preparation for this harsh season.
Every now and again, however, people found reason to leave the safety of their homes. When they did this, they always hailed a guard. The wolves prowled freely in the streets at this time of year, searching for prey, and to go out without protection would result in the wolves descending upon you and tearing the flesh from your bones.
It was for this reason that I did not wander the streets alone. At my back were two guards, wearing mail beneath their thick fur coats. I could see the wolves watching us hungrily, but they had had their experience with the guards, and a crossbow bolt in the eye was an experience most creatures strained to avoid.
It was then that I saw him.
He stood out against the perfect whiteness, his scarlet blood a blemish on the pure sheet of white that covered the world. He moaned quietly, clutching at his stomach. A stream of blood trickled from his blue lips.
I instinctively ran up to him. It was a wonder that the wolves had not devoured him yet. He seemed too far gone to notice me as I knelt beside him. I heard my guards trudge up behind me.
I lifted to man’s shirt and studied his stomach. It had been slit cleanly open just below the ribs. It was evident that this was not the work of wolves. It looked like it had been done by a sword.
“What happened to this man?” I asked them, and one of them snorted.
“Poor bugger couldn’t pay his taxes.” He replied. “The count made an example of him.”
I immediately took a dislike to the guard. I lifted the shirt further to look at his chest.

In all my years as a surgeon prior to that moment, I had never been so disgusted. I remember it clearly; on his chest, carved so deeply that I could see his ribs in places, was:
I did not pay the count.

I considered euthanasia. The guards saw the look on my face.
“Don’t try any of your fancy surgeon’s tricks.” One of them warned me. “The count has ordered that he be left to suffer.”
I felt slightly queasy for the first time in my career. I am not a man who is easily galled.

Hey,

So I think that secondo part of the first paragraph can be cut off. That’s because the words themselves are ones which would suggest that the reader ends up crying or something. I mean, they’re sad, sad words. And they don’t work. And if they’re supposed to be sad, and don’t work, they turn into empty words, and it’s kinda… yeah.
The first paragraph, after that matter of fact (coversationist, even: “you name it”), tone, it’s just hard to squeeze out tears.

Also I don’t ave any sort of emotional link with the story yet, I’m a skeptic still, so I just read and go ‘ok’. Which isn’t ok. I mean, if you cut out the conversationist part, changed the style of the first part of the paragraph, then, maybe, at a stretch, but as is, I don’t like it.

Liked how the descriptions were linked to the narrator/him being surgeon (wolves having an effect on people which has an effect on him). That usually works well, helps sneak in details w/o infodumps and can characterize by giving responses of the character to these events. It’s like watching the created world through the eyes of the characters. Selfishness is good!

That said, I want more gore. This is laconic: I lifted to man’s shirt and studied his stomach. And on to the end of the paragraph. Some situation would be ok with sparely used words, here no! Come one! Make me squirm : )

Not just to gross anyone out. Too add even more realism, show the surgeon at work.

In general I’d add more descriptions, but I’m a description fanatic and sometimes I go overboard.

I felt slightly queasy for the first time in my career. I am not a man who is easily galled.
Ok that last sentence feels as if you added it as an afterthought. How does it link to the first one? I mean, yeah, yeah, kind of, but it’s like “chopped on”. Rephrase?

Oooh. Count! I think I like him already. And in that one sentence referring to him, he’s so fabulously characterized – which is why I can’t help but love him. And also I like those types of characters.


Cheers,
Esme

I love it. The introduction is really good; sets the tone of the story, and introduces the character of the surgeon very well.
The character of the Count is, to me, immediately recognised as a great villain. For me, a good antagonist should be someone you hate, who you despise. Not all villains, obviously, but as a rule, most main antagonists should be pretty foul. But then, they should also be someone you "love to hate" if you know what I mean, and I can imagine you've captured that perfectly in your mind as to what the character. When we get to actually seeing the character, I fully expect him to be evil, charismatic, selfish, maybe a little funny and also a little aloof and standoffish.
That's how I would imagine him from this short snippet of what he's like- if he isn't like this, then you haven't done you're job properly. If he's just a downright psycho with no particular motive for being evil, for example, he shouldn't even be the main villain for starters. A psychopath also probably wouldn't take this much care with specific people who didn't pay him taxes. Especially not going as far as etching words into his chest.
Sorry, I'm rambling without any particular direction. But my point is, I hope you can get this villain spot on, because he sounds, to put it blunt, pretty bad-ass.