Young Writers Society

My name is Mariah Bristol. I am an orphan at the Lakewood orphanage, but I won’t be here much longer. A nice family is going to adopt me! They have twins that are 12 years old. The boy, Shawn, has blond hair with bangs that are just above his blue eyes. The girl, Lilia has dirty blond hair that flows just past her shoulders. She also has blue eyes. I am also 12, but in a week, that will change. My birthday is on April 25th.

The reason that I came here was because of a car crash. My mom, dad, and I were driving to Beauty and the Beast that my best friend, Sydney, was going to be in it. We were singing along to the radio when a moving truck crashed into our car. It crushed my dad’s side of the car and glass showered everywhere. The air bag suffocated my mom, and glass had cut my left arm. An ambulance came and rushed us to the hospital. I was fine, but my parents died. The worst thing was that I couldn’t do anything to help them.

Because of my parents’ sudden death, I was supposed to live with my guardian, Uncle Frank. The only problem was, my Uncle Frank had gone missing one month before. The only other person left that could take me in was my cousin Fred, and he is in the army. So I was left in the adoption center.

“Mariah! Your turn to do the garbage!” Mrs.Makerton yelled up to me.

“Okay!” I yelled back. I love doing the garbage because I get to play with the toads by the garbage can. I love animals.

When I got outside, I took a deep breath in, and choked on the garbage smelling air. I looked across the street at the kennel. Mrs.Makerton told me that a kennel is like an orphanage for dogs.

I saw four people walk into the kennel. From what I can see, they look like the people who are going to adopt me, but I can’t be sure. I threw the garbage in the can and raced inside. The family that is going to adopt me is coming today. I have to be ready. This is the best day of my life.

Hello! Here is my review.
I liked it. It was still short, like the first chapter, but it was good. Here are you few things I want to go over.



Also, try to describe the hair and eye colour in a different way to just, blue eyes.
Like this
Ocean blue eyes, crystal blue eyes, the clear sky blue eyes. Something like that to get the real picture.

Overall, I liked it. But when you add these in, it will make such a difference.

Hey again Titan, here I am as I said I would be, to drop off another review!

So this was also short, as with your first chapter, but it also moves the plot along just as well. What I really noticed, however, was the complete lack of personality or emotion in this new character. I mean, her parents just died, don't you think that she would be upset? That she would be completely inconsolable? This is what I meant about you needing to describe your settings/events/characters more. We need to be able to identify with your character, to sympathize with them. We need to be able to see them as people, and people usually have feelings, don't they?

Now, other than that I was also confused about this sudden turn to the topic of them adopting this little girl. In your last chapter you left off with them going out to adopt a puppy, not a human child. There is a big difference between the two, and you need to make sure that your readers know what is going on, and also that your chapters flow together. We don't want to read just a jumbled up mess of seemingly random events, connect them in a way that is easily seen and understood by others, we can't read your mind.

Next, I noticed that this was a bit confusing, between these two paragraphs:

My name is Moriah Bristol. I am an orphan at the Lakewood orphanage, but I won’t be here much longer. A nice family is going to adopt me! They have twins that are 12 years old. The boy, Shawn, has blond hair with bangs that are just above his blue eyes. The girl, Lilia has dirty blond hair that flows just past her shoulders. She also has blue eyes. I am also 12, but in a week, that will change. My birthday is on April 25th.

I saw four people walk into the kennel. From what I can see, they look like the people who are going to adopt me, but I can’t be sure. I threw the garbage in the can and raced inside. The family that is going to adopt me is coming today. I have to be ready. This is the best day of my life.

So, you just described the family in great detail, but how would she know so much about them if she hasn't met them before, and why would she not be able to tell if the people who had walked in were the people adopting her if she had met them? Make sure you're always clear so your readers understand what you're trying to say.

One nit-pick:

My mom, dad, and I were driving to Beauty and the Beast that my best friend, Sydney, was going to be in it.

This sentence is extremely awkward and in desperate need of rewording.

And the last thing I'm gonna mention in this review is that you switch tenses a bit. For example, let's take a look at that one paragraph again:

I saw four people walk into the kennel. From what I can see, they look like the people who are going to adopt me, but I can’t be sure. I threw the garbage in the can and raced inside. The family that is going to adopt me is coming today. I have to be ready. This is the best day of my life.

I'm pretty sure that this was also a bit of a problem in your first chapter, but I forgot to mention it in that review so I'm just mentioning it here.

First sentence: past tense.
Second sentence: present tense.

Always make sure that you know the difference between those two tenses, choose one, and only use that one in your whole entire story. Keep it consistent, and your readers will be much happier!

But that's it for this review! Again, I really hope that this helps you improve, and I think that this is a good continuation. Keep writing, and I'll see you around! Bye!