Young Writers Society

This is my first story to post on here. Hope you like it, but please be critical. Thanks!

Prologue:

This has lasted long enough: It’s time for this war to end. As I write the note, I consider my two prisoners. Though they are not in a dungeon, they are afraid and that brings a smile to my face. There is little hope that they will return to the life they knew. Though they may be released, everything will be changed. I will be on my way towards having the largest fiefdom and a springboard for the royal court and kingship.

Of course, there are a few details about the plan to secure – the parents would have to actually surrender, there must be no interfering from outside sources, and the other siblings must not meddle. Of course the son was away making war, however the girl: She could possibly present a problem. Though rash and confident, she was young and the obvious, a girl. However, her determination and charismatic ability to sway a person with her words and actions made her a force to be reckoned with. No matter, I will ensure that she is well taken care of and will be too busy to attempt anything that could spoil this moment for me.

Having finished and dispatched the ransom note, I strode from my study down the cold corridors of my castle. The servants scurried out of my way, especially when they watched where I was heading. Stopping outside the familiar door, I leaned in to hear the whispered words. I drew back, surprised. I had been unaware that the family had gained religion. Well, their pleading prayers and encouraging words would do nothing for them. God did not exist, and their fate lies in the hands of mere, fallible mortals.

Sliding the small eye panel aside, I glare inside, just to ensure that they do in fact fear me. Instead, I am greeted with two pairs of curious and confident dark blue eyes, much like my own. Ah, so the rumors are true: they take after their older siblings and have their bravado, the brave humanity which their parents lack. It matters not – all confidence will soon be replaced with fear. I give a cold laugh before slamming the panel shut and turning back towards my study. There are other pieces to guide into place.

I like it! I can't wait to hear more about this character and their plans.

-Titan

Hello! Welcome to YWS! Be sure to check out this thread if you haven't yet:
topic813.html

I really enjoyed reading this, and I am very interested in seeing where this will go.

Prologue:

This has lasted long enough. It is time for this war to end.

As I write the note, I consider my two prisoners. Though they are not in a dungeon, the thought of their fearful faces brings a smile to my face. There is little hope for them that they will return to the life they knew. Though they may be released, everything will be changed. I will be on my way towards having the largest fiefdom and a springboard for the royal court and kingship.

The bolded things are just a stylistic preference, they're absolutely necessary but will make things flow much more easily. As for the separation of paragraphs, you really should try to separate it like so.

One thing would be that I had absolutely no idea what the gender of the speaker was. It would be beneficial to describe them a bit more so that the reader can picture them in their mind.

Also, I honestly really dislike prologues. Often times, they are highly unnecessary. When you continue writing with this, make sure that you really need this prologue. I just feel as though it is a lot of info-dumping within the first few paragraphs that the reader could just learn about later in the story.

Overall, I really liked your story idea, you have a great start.

Let me know if you post any more/if you have any questions.
-Once

Thanks for the critiques and opinions! I'm intending to put up the next bit as soon as I can...Thanks again!

I like it. Maybe you should add more text into it. Because it's a bit short at the moment. But over than that, it was good and I liked it. So keep writing!

This is a pretty cool beginning, although I'm not completely hooked. It just feels a little dry and common. I think you could find a more dynamic way of introducing your story, and while this is good it just doesn't quite feel like enough. It also gives the impression of being a pretty typical story. I would add to your language and give your characters more depth and expression, to breathe life into your story. Anyway, I'm curious to see where this story goes.
Keep writing,
StoryWeaver