Young Writers Society

Chapter Three: Shawn Name: Lilia Apperton
Hi! My name is Lilia Apperton. Shawn is getting his puppy today, and I am getting a sister! Her birthday is in a week, and I get to plan the party!My mom put me in charge of finding out what Mariah wants to do for her birthday, and what she wants as gifts. We will also share a room. I have always wanted a sister, but instead, I got a brother-Shawn.

“We are going to the orphanage after we get Shawn’s puppy so that we can get Moriah.” My mom said.
As soon as we got to the kennel, I understood why Shawn comes here everyday. The poor little puppies were locked up in cages!

Shawn’s face looked worried, and he was frantically looking for something.

“He’s back here”. A nice woman said. She guided us to a back room where there was an adorable beagle puppy. Shawn picked up Brownie, and carried him over to the collars. He grabbed a blue and gray collar and showed it to Brownie. He barked, and Shawn smiled. He had mom help him grab a big bag of dog food. Then, he went into the aisle with the leashes in it. He grabbed a blue and black leash, and grabbed a food and water dish. When he was all done, he and mom took up the supplies and Brownie to the cashier.After we left, we headed across the street to the Lakewood orphanage.


Chapter Four: Better or worse?
Name: Mariah Bristol

As I saw the people come in the doorway, I got nervous. I had only ever met my mom, and seen pictures of the rest of my family. She looks really nice in the picture.

“ Hello Mariah. This is Lilia, and Shawn. My mom said.
“ Hi”. I replied as Mrs.Makerton walked into the room. “ Mariah is free to go home with you.” Mrs.Makerton told them.

As we went to leave, I looked back at the orphanage. I ran back to Mrs.Makerton and gave her a huge hug.

“ Thank you.” I said. “ Thank you so much.”

Once we got into the car, Lilia started talking. “ Mariah, we are going to share a room. It has a bunkbed. Do you want the top bunk, or the bottom bunk?” Lilia asked. “ I don’t care. We had bunkbeds at the orphanage, and I slept on the bottom bunk.” I replied. “Okay. If you want, you can try out the bottom bunk tonight, and the top bunk tomorrow night.” Lilia said kindly.
“Where do you normally sleep?” I asked. “ I don’t want to take your bunk away from you.” I said politely. “ I swap out the bunks on different days. Some days, I just plop down on the bottom bunk when I’m too tired, or if I want to switch it up. Other days I sleep on the top bunk. I evenly sleep on both bunks.” Lilia replied. “ That is so weird.” Shawn said.
Once mom parked the car, Lilia and I got out and raced into the backyard

Chapter Five: Fluffy
Name: Shawn Apperton

“ Hey mom, Can I take Brownie on a walk?” I asked. “ Yep.” Mom replied smiling.
Being outside with Brownie felt nice, until he started chasing a squirrel. Once he stopped chasing the squirrel, he started barking at a tree. I moved the bottom branches to see what he was barking at. A rabbit! I went up to it. It had a paper attached to it that read:
I need a loving home. If you will take me, My name is Fluffy.

I scooped up Fluffy and raced home. “ Mom look!” I shouted. She looked at Fluffy and mouthed one word” No”.
As I walked upstairs into my room, I couldn’t help but think about Fluffy. What would happen to her if I couldn’t keep her? Should I put her back under the tree? Would the people at the orphanage take in a rabbit? Why didn’t Fluffy’s old owner bring Fluffy to an animal adoption center? Who was Fluffy’s old owner? Why did they abandon Fluffy? These were all of the questions I asked myself on the way upstairs. I hung up Brownie’s leash in my room and headed back down the stairs. I started thinking about all of my questions again, but stopped in my tracks. A bigger question crossed my mind. How can I convince mom and dad to let us keep Fluffy?

These chapters are soooooooo short! You really do need to add to them! But it doesn't matter. Although, I am getting bored of reading about the description of the characters and want to read more action and when it's going to get more exciting. But, I think I know alot about the characters, already!!!

Thanks! I added a lot about the character because all of my friends told me that they didn't know enough.

Hmm, what should I say about this? First of all, it's a good story through and through. But you can make the chapters a little longer. That way, you can get to explain more about your characters while still having enough action in each chapter. Also, I'd have to say that you could use more descriptive words to have a more eloquent vocabulary and characters. (Like there, I used the word 'eloquent' instead of 'descriptive') Umm, other than that, I feel like you have a really good story on your hands. The writing should get easier as you go along with the story.

Hey again Titan! Sorry I didn't review this yesterday, but here I am now! So let's get started then....

First off, I've noticed a lot of the same things that I've mentioned in past reviews here as well, but I won't mention them all here again. Just make sure you go through it again with those things in mind.

But one thing that I've really noticed here, especially towards the end of the second chapter was that you sometimes don't start a new paragraph when you should. For example, take a look here:

Once we got into the car, Lilia started talking. “ Moriah, we are going to share a room. It has a bunkbed. Do you want the top bunk, or the bottom bunk?” Lilia asked. “ I don’t care. We had bunkbeds at the orphanage, and I slept on the bottom bunk.” Moriah replied. “Okay. If you want, you can try out the bottom bunk tonight, and the bottom bunk tomorrow night.” Lilia said kindly.
“Where do you normally sleep?” I asked. “ I don’t want to take your bunk away from you.” I said politely. “ I swap out the bunks on different days. Some days, I just plop down on the bottom bunk when I’m too tired, or if I want to switch it up. Other days I sleep on the top bunk. I evenly sleep on both bunks.” Lilia replied. “ That is so weird.” Shawn said.
Once dad parked the car, Lilia and I got out and raced into the backyard

Now, I can see that you've separated this into two paragraphs already, but you should have more in there as well. What it really should look like is this:

Once we got into the car, Lilia started talking. “ Moriah, we are going to share a room. It has a bunkbed. Do you want the top bunk, or the bottom bunk?” Lilia asked.

“ I don’t care. We had bunkbeds at the orphanage, and I slept on the bottom bunk.” Moriah replied.

“Okay. If you want, you can try out the bottom bunk tonight, and the bottom bunk tomorrow night.” Lilia said kindly.

“Where do you normally sleep?” I asked. “ I don’t want to take your bunk away from you.” I said politely.

“ I swap out the bunks on different days. Some days, I just plop down on the bottom bunk when I’m too tired, or if I want to switch it up. Other days I sleep on the top bunk. I evenly sleep on both bunks.” Lilia replied.

“ That is so weird.” Shawn said.

Once dad parked the car, Lilia and I got out and raced into the backyard

See, you need to start a new paragraph every time a new person starts talking or the topic/setting time changes. Here's a good site that sums up what I'm talking about: http://www.saidsimple.com/content/When- ... -Paragraph

But I also noticed some problems with the narrative forms in this paragraph. I bolded the problematic parts in the quote below:

Once we got into the car, Lilia started talking. “ Moriah, we are going to share a room. It has a bunkbed. Do you want the top bunk, or the bottom bunk?” Lilia asked. “ I don’t care. We had bunkbeds at the orphanage, and I slept on the bottom bunk.” Moriah replied. “Okay. If you want, you can try out the bottom bunk tonight, and the bottom bunk tomorrow night.” Lilia said kindly.
“Where do you normally sleep?” I asked. “ I don’t want to take your bunk away from you.” I said politely. “ I swap out the bunks on different days. Some days, I just plop down on the bottom bunk when I’m too tired, or if I want to switch it up. Other days I sleep on the top bunk. I evenly sleep on both bunks.” Lilia replied. “ That is so weird.” Shawn said.
Once dad parked the car, Lilia and I got out and raced into the backyard

What you did here was you switched from first person (I, we, etc.) to third person (he, she, it, etc.) This is like switching from past to present tenses, you absolutely never want to do it! Always choose one, and only one to use in your whole story. Now, here you're mostly talking in first person, so maybe just make sure you stick to that throughout your whole narrative, just so your readers can read it more easily.

Here's a site that you might want to look at if you need more information about the different narrative forms: http://tarakharper.com/k_frstpr.htm

But that's about all I can say here, I'll just end by reminding you about the use of exclamation marks. Remember that if you use them in your regular descriptive pieces it will sound like your character is talking incredibly loudly, excitedly and annoyingly all the time. Maybe try to tone down your narrative a bit.

But other than that, good continuation, and I sincerely hope that this helps. I really hope you continue this, and keep working on your writing! Good luck, and make sure you let me know when you post the next part! See you around!