z

Young Writers Society


Savior Chapter 1



User avatar
10 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1172
Reviews: 10
Sat Mar 05, 2011 4:28 am
xiahouzay says...



The windows of the car had a thin layer of ice as my dad drives through the snow covered road. The freezing cold is very new to me. I came from Oxnard in Southern California. The coldest it ever got there was about 40 degrees and that was at night when I was sleeping and had about 2 thick blankets on me. I’m sure 26 is like a hot day to them. The whole ride I look at my dad with his face looking worried cause he is new to drive on slippery ice and with snow falling slowly hitting the windshield.

“Dad, you can calm down. Your actually getting the hang of this.” I try my best to reassure him cause I did want to crash into something.

“Thanks Jasper, but you don’t worry about your life in danger for now cause we are almost there.” There was my new high school. And I’m sure he was right cause the traffic was getting heavier by the minute. And finally I see the tall building that is my new school. Owatonna High School. A smile grew in my face when I saw it.

“Wow never saw you this exited for school. I actually thought you would be nervous about this.” He was less stressed about the road cause of the long process of the street stopping and going.

“Well of course I’m nervous. I’m hundreds of miles away from my old friends I’ll probably never see again and now I have to start all over. It’s like elementary all over again.” I think the smile is still there but I wasn’t sure.

“Will I hope you do OK and don’t let Minnesota freeze you to death.” He was looking outside and I wondered why he said and. I look behind me and we where at the drop off zone. That was fast.

“Thanks dad.” I get off and I close the door. He waves goodbye and I wave back as I watch the car gets back into the traffic zone. I look at the school. Now it me against whatever life throws at me. I get my iPod out and put the earbuds in my ear. It was cold and my first action was to rip them out of my ear but they warmed up fast. I put on no other than Owl City. To think I would be raised where the mastermind who created Owl City was raised here also.

I was already at the front of the school. There was a lot of steps just to get to inside. Hopefully I don’t slip and fall trying to get to the top. There weren’t that many people outside. I took notice of these guys who I bet are like “wannabe gangsters” of Owatonna. I’m sure there talking about something stupid as usual. I was already at the top of the steps and I open the door. I rush of warm air just hit my face. I closed the door so the air wouldn’t escape. There were a lot of people here. And the halls were not narrow. There were lockers, something I never really used since my old school didn’t have lockers. It did but only if you wanted one. I walk in to the administration offices and make my way to the lady at the front. She was typing really fast and I could hear her loud tapping. She looks at me like I was someone familiar.

“Hmm. Your the new student, right?” She had a voice like Fran Drescher.

“Umm, yeah. I’m Jasper P-“

“Jasper Pike from Pacifica High School in Oxnard California. Correct?”

“Yeah, just right.” Kinda rude of her to cut me off mid sentence.

“Ok here you go.” She gets a red pen and circles something on her desk.

“Here is your schedule, I circled your ID number.” I look at my schedule. It was strange, I only had one class.

“Are everybody’s schedule like this?” I just had to ask.

“No, its just this new thing we are trying out. One teacher your whole year. Only a couple of students get to get to enroll and the teacher thinks you might like it there cause he saw your records and he thinks your exceptional!” Sounded interesting to me actually.

“Cool, I guess. Is there someone who can show me the room and such?” Can’t hurt to get to know the school a little better.

“Sure, I’ll get someone.” She picks up the phone and at the same time someone opens the door.

“I’ll show him around.” Someone from behind me announces it.

“Oh Laura, I was just about to call Aaron to send someone over.” The lady puts the phone down.

“I’m sure he would of sent me anyways.” I turn around and look at her. Her serious face turns into a smile. I couldn’t help but to smile back. Her black hair was kind of blinding when it reflected of the light. She was kind of shorter than me but I didn’t mind cause I’m used to being the tallest in a group of people. I noticed that she had a lot of bracelets with names of bands. Paramore was the only one I could really see. And she was wearing black and white Converse. With a “Day To Remember” T-Shirt. Her hair also covered part of her right eye.

“OK. Jasper this is Laura she can show you around.” She smiles looking at both of us and then gets back to typing.

“OK Jasper let’s get going.” Once she finished that sentence the first bell rang. She stepped outside and I walked slowly towards her.
Last edited by xiahouzay on Tue Mar 08, 2011 1:23 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reality Is A Lovely Place, But I Wouldn't Want To Live There.





User avatar
6 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1040
Reviews: 6
Sat Mar 05, 2011 3:19 pm
Sincerity says...



Hmm, I like it! You seemed to struggle between different timings...There's a word for it, but I can't remember. Anyways, you go from speaking about the current time to the recent past, and it can be a bit confusing. Also, there were a few grammar things to correct, but overall I did enjoy it. I hope you post more soon! :)
Psalm 73: 23-26





User avatar
20 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 545
Reviews: 20
Sat Mar 05, 2011 3:51 pm
MisterThien says...



Hey, Xiahouzay! Since you're new to YWS, I'll just start this review off with a quick welcome... so WELCOME! :D

So the first thing I noticed when I read your story was the tenses. I'm not sure whether it's supposed to be past or present, but whichever tense it is, you're supposed to keep it consistent throughout. I recognised a lot of switching between the tenses which confused me a great deal and isn't grammatically correct.

Also, there are quite a few spelling mistakes as well, especially with the word 'because'. I saw you misspelt that word in the form 'cause'; that is not correct, so try to have a quick re-read over your story to check for simple mistakes so it's easier for people to read and understand :)

To be honest, I couldn't really "connect" as much as I wanted to with this story. I don't even know what the setting looks like other than it's snowing and you're on a road. What does the school look like? Stuff like that really helps. This story didn't stand out to me, which is something your writing needs to be if you want your readers to become gripped and read on. Nothing much had happened in this Chapter and I couldn't tell what the story has to offer in terms of plot and genre. All I understood was a boy who enrols into a new school which frankly isn't really exciting.

Okay, so now, I'll try to highlight and mend your mistakes. Since I don't really know for sure which tense this was intended to be written in, I'll change everything to present as I think your writing style suits it most:

The windows of the car had has a thin layer of ice as my dad drives through the snow-covered road. The freezing cold is very new to me. I came from Oxnard in Southern California. The coldest it ever got there was about 40 degrees and that was at night when I was sleeping and had about 2 thick blankets on me. I’m sure 26 is like a hot day to them (who is them?). During the whole ride I look stare at my dad with his face looking worried whose face looks worried cause because he is new to drive driving on slippery ice and with snow falling slowly hitting the windshield.

“Dad, you can calm down. Your You're actually getting the hang of this.,” I try my best to reassure him because I diddon't want to crash into something.

“Thanks, Jasper, but you don’t have to worry about your life being in danger for now because we are almost there.” (how does Jasper's Dad know he's worrying about his life being in danger? Jasper didn't mention anything about it; he only told his Dad to calm down)

There was is my new high school. And I’m sure he was is right because the traffic was is getting heavier by the minute. And finally I see the tall building that is my new school. Owatonna High School. A smile grew grows in on my face when I saw it.

“Wow, never saw you this excited for school before. I actually thought you would be nervous about this.,” He was is less stressed about the road brcause of the long process of the street stopping and going.

“Well of course I’m nervous. I’m hundreds of miles away from my old friends I’ll probably never see again and now I have to start all over. It’s like elementary all over again.” I think the smile is still there but I wasn’t I'm not sure.

Will Well,I hope you do OK and don’t let Minnesota freeze you to death.” He was is looking outside and I wondered why whathe said and. I look behind me and we where at the drop off zone. That was fast.

“Thanks, dad.” I get off out and I close the door. He waves goodbye and I wave back as I watch the car gets back into the traffic zone. I look at the school. Now it I'm me against whatever life throws at me. I get my iPod out and put the earbuds in my ear. It was cold and my first action was to rip them out of my ear but they warmed up fast. I put on no other than Owl City. To think I would will be raised where the mastermind who created Owl City was raised here also.

I was I'm already at the front of the school. There was are a lot of steps just to get to inside. Hopefully I don’t slip and fall trying to get to the top. There weren’t aren't that many people outside. I took notice of these guys who I bet are like “wannabe gangsters” of Owatonna. I’m sure there they're talking about something stupid as usual. I'm was already at the top of the steps and I open the door. I feel a rush of warm air just hit my face. I closed the door so the air wouldn’t escape. There were are a lot of people here. And the halls were are not narrow. There were are lockers, something I've never really used since my old school didn’t have lockers. It did but only if you wanted one. I walk in to the administration offices and make my way to the lady at the front. She was is typing really fast and I could can hear her loud tapping. She looks at me like I was I'm someone familiar.

“Hmm. Your You'rethe new student, right?” She had has a voice like Fran Drescher.

“Umm, yeah. I’m Jasper P-“

“Jasper Pike from Pacifica High School in Oxnard California. Correct?”

“Yeah, just right.” Kinda Kind of rude of her to cut me off mid sentence.

“Ok here you go.” She gets a red pen and circles something on her desk.

“Here is your schedule, I circled your ID number.” I look at my schedule. It was strange, I only had one class.

“Are everybody’s schedule like this?” I just had to ask.

“No, its just this new thing we are trying out. One teacher your whole year. Only a couple of students get to get to enroll and the teacher thinks you might like it there because he saw your records and hethinks your exceptional!” Sounded interesting to me actually.

“Cool, I guess. Is there someone who can show me the room and such?” Can’t hurt to get to know the school a little better. (I think it's better if the lady tells him she will rather than him asking. I think it's more believable and cohesive that way)

Sure, Now, I’ll get someone to show you around the school.” She picks up the phone and at the same time someone opens the door.

“I’ll show him around.” Someone from behind me announces it.

“Oh Laura, I was just about to call Aaron to send someone over.” The lady puts the phone down.

“I’m sure he would of have sent me anyways.” I turn around and look at her. Her serious face turns into a smile. I couldn’t can't help but to smile back. Her black hair was is kind of blinding when it reflecteds of the light. She was kind of is slightlyshorter than me but I didn’t don't mind cause. I’m used to being the tallest in a group of people. I noticed that she hadhas a lot of bracelets with names of bands. Paramore was is the only one I could can really see. And she was is wearing black and white Converse. With a “Day To Remember” T-Shirt. Her hair also covered coverspart of her right eye.

“OK. Jasper this is Laura she can show you around.” She smiles looking at both of us and then gets back to typing.

“OK Jasper let’s get going.” Once she finished that sentence the first bell rang. She steppeds outside and I walked slowly towards her.


Fixing all of that took much longer than I thought it was since I had to strike-out the mistakes and put in red the correct forms of everything. At one point, I just wanted to give up, but I knew this review would help you improve and become a better writer. Overall comments: practice proper grammar and spelling, describe the setting and re-read to check for mistakes. Also, choose what you write about carefully as it's unnecessary writing about things that won't help further the story and plot. As a suggestion, maybe you should try skip this Chapter and start when he's already settled into the school, like a few weeks in. Start in an appropriate place that will grip readers. I have no idea what the story's plot is, but if this Chapter is key to the story, then so keep it, but you must improve it! I'm sorry if I'm really harsh, but all this is necessary to help you become a better writer! So keep writing and post me if you've written anything new!

Best of wishes,
Thien :)
‎"I dream my paintings, then I paint my dreams" - Van Gogh





User avatar
76 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1570
Reviews: 76
Sat Mar 05, 2011 5:07 pm
bugbug368 says...



I do like it, so keep it up. You use good words to keep the readers attention. So keep writing! :wink:
Nobody is more obsessed with Jedward than I am...
- bugbug368





User avatar
10 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 1172
Reviews: 10
Sat Mar 05, 2011 5:18 pm
xiahouzay says...



@Thien Oh My Gosh! I Feel Like Such A Noob Now :/ Thanks For Correcting It For Me, I'll Get On The Right Away!
@Sincerity So I've Been Told
@BugBug Thanks And I Will. Even Though There Is 3 More Parts On My Tumblr
Reality Is A Lovely Place, But I Wouldn't Want To Live There.








The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes.
— Marcel Proust