Young Writers Society

Till death do us part, I thought, as the one girl I loved passed on to the next world, with me holding her hand and a fiberglass spear through her stomach. Her head dropped, and her hand fell from mine. I checked she was gone, then stood and walked back to the fire, where the handful of us that remained were watching me. I didn't cry. I couldn't cry. There were no tears left in the wasted, skinny bag of bones my body had become. That we had all become. Anyway, I had cried too much these past weeks. If that's how long we had been here...

We were partying on Michael's dad's yacht, seeing how it was Michael's seventeenth. The twelve of us (I'll go into names later) plus Michael's dad -Troy- were traveling around the Philippines for a fortnight with plentiful supplies of alcohol, food and -unbeknown to Troy at first- weed. The latter was supplied by, surprisingly, Zoey. Not normally known as one for breaking laws, Zoey had really come up trumps when she turned up with three bags; the largest full of clothes, the next one down full of alcohol, and finally a rucksack that was absolutely stuffed to the gunwales with cannabis. We hadn't enquired as to where it had come from, mainly because we were too busy getting smacked off our tits to care. I even caught a Troy having a sneaky puff at the helm on the sixth afternoon. He tried to hide it, but I winked cheekily and he settled for a sheepish grin.

Currently, it was day nine, and it had dawned bright and quickly. At least, thats what I was told, having woken up at eleven with Steve's feet nearly up my nose We had got ridiculously drunk last night, having taken it easy before this to pace ourselves. However, around seven, Jerry had found the supply of ships rum. Technically, it was just a small barrel he had found and filled with rum, but when you're drunk 'Ship's rum' sounds better. And it's much easier to pronounce when you're wrecked out of your face. I got up slowly, suffering from the after effects of last night. I realised I must be the first one up, due to the lack of noise from inside the hull. As I headed for the ladder leading to the deck, I noticed a distinct lack of movement under my feet. Discounting it as unimportant, I climbed up carefully, not yet in full control of my body. I emerged onto the poop deck, shading my eyes from the glare. Then froze. Troy was lying beside the wheel, either deeply asleep or unconscious. And even more chillingly, we were no longer on the sea...

Hey there Roost!

First off, welcome to YWS! Hope you're enjoying your time here. I'm Tanya

I wanted to start by mentioning that you're a talented writer. Your words flowed nicely off the page, which is great for a beginning writer.

That being said, I think there's a lot going on here. Way too much. You're throwing a scene at us, the death of a loved one, when we really don't care about your characters yet. I mean, if you start a movie and the main character dies, how would you feel? Probably cheated out a good story, right? Right. We arrive here, learn the character is dead, then right away switch to a party. Um, what?

I think you need to pull back from this, erase the 'prologue' and start the story maybe a little sooner. Maybe he's drunk, going around the boat, teetering on the edge of either puking or dropping off the edge. Maybe Zoey calls to him, shows him her insane amount of weed. But the thing is, you do a lot of telling, not much showing. Here is a great thread for you to read about this:http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic41426.html

So, I suggest you pull back, think about where you want your story to go. Think about what would make a bigger impact on your readers. How would you start this if you wanted to wow yourself? Keep in mind that starting off with a death is not a very good way because your readers don't know your characters yet. Let us get to know them. Let us love them as much as you do. Allow us into your head, into your story and into your characters lives. Only then can you throw a death scene at us.

Also, keep practicing, keep writing and start reviewing. Browse the site, see how other reviewer go about it about learn from them. Keep up the great work, you obviously are talented.

Tanya

Paul here Ready to return the "review favor" or something like that

First and foremost, I love the way you start this off. It sets a tone and creates a good mystery (who is the woman he loved?) that can be carried throughout the story. This is something that a lot of writers forget, so thumbs up for knocking that out of the park.

However, I have to agree with the reviewer above me (hi borntobeawriter!) when I say that you definitely need to have another go at this. Three paragraphs can be used to do a lot of things, but telling the first chapter of a story isn't one of them. Three paragraphs isn't enough to be the excerpt on the front page. Remember: show, don't tell.

Also: Troy is the worst father ever! Who takes a bunch of teenagers out on a yacht to drink and smoke weed? Okay, maybe he didn't know about the weed, but anyone with an IQ above 3 would known that making off with a boat full of intoxicated teenagers for any period of time (much less 14 days) is nothing less than a recipe for a small-scale Apocalypse. I'm not saying I'm perfect, but I can't imagine anybody being this dumb. Unless you're writing a parable or something where it's supposed to be exaggerated, I would really try and tone this element down, if not remove it altogether.

I really like this idea. It's the old stranded-on-a-desert-island story that has stood the test of time. And I really like the tragic and hopeless tone that is set by the first few lines, but it descends too quickly into flashback and speeds along far too fast. The writing is commendable, it's just that there's not much of it. My biggest recommendation would be expansion. Other than that, all I can say is keep writing

Actually guys, this was just my first draft. I didn't mean to submit it, only to save it. I did some more work and extended it to around 5-6 paragraphs, changed the first paragraph and edited it a lot. Unfortunately, it didn't submit because this was already here and I lost it. Oops...

Really like the premise for this story, a bit like a more violent lord of the flies except with high 17 year olds rather than school children.
Looking forwards to the next chapter