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Chapter 2



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Points: 936
Reviews: 12
Thu Mar 17, 2011 11:31 am
Rahul says...



Hi.. Here's chapter 2 of Sizzling Six where Cody enters the new town... Please shoot your comment about the plot it means whether story is going good the actual "STORY" which is being depicted here ALONG WITH MY MISTAKES. It will be very kind of you..



2
An unexpected welcome in new town

“When we will reach Washington?” asked Cody’s father, “In ten minutes sir” replied their driver. “Please leave us on bus stop, we have to meet someone” said his mom. “Okay mam” replied their driver. “Yes thanks mom thank you very much” said Cody in his sleep. “Wake up Co we are about to reach” said his mom. Cody woke up excitingly “where?” then he woke up “oh!” said Cody. “What were you dreaming about Co?” asked his dad. “Nothing” replied Cody. “Come on Cody tell us” said his mom. “Okay if you insist, I was dreaming that our planned is cancelled and we are returning home” replied Cody sadly. “We know Co how it feels” said his mom hugging him. “Sorry dad”, “It’s alright” said his dad. “We are there sir” and then the bus stopped. Cody step sadly and slowly out of the bus.
A very pale and skinny man who had a grey moustache was standing with a blue shirt, red sweater and grey trousers. He had very beautiful eyes like Cody’s mom and a very long nose. ‘Grand pa!’ exclaimed Cody and hugged his grand pa. ‘Oh son missed you’ said his Grand pa. ‘How is my little champ?’ asked grand pa. ‘Fine’ replied Cody. ‘Dad’ hugged Cody’s mom to his grand pa. ‘How is my little princess?’, ‘Fine’ dad, ‘how are you?’ asked her dad. ‘I am also fine how Billy is?’ Cody’s mom was going to reply but then only Cody’s dad steeped out of the bus, ‘Billy!’ said Cody’s grand pa’, ‘how are you’ asked Cody’s grand pa ‘Me fine how are you dad?’ replied Cody’s dad, ‘same here’ Billy replied. ‘So Cody if you don’t mind I want to talk to your mom and dad’ said Cody’s grand pa. ‘Yea sure’ said Cody, ‘Cody till then take this money and go and eat something you haven’t eaten anything since morning and then his mom gave him $20. ‘Thanks mom’ and then Cody went. ‘Err...Where I shall go?’ and then he looked at a board ‘Blue Cross Street’.”Ok! I shall go over here, which shop I shall go?”. “Martin’s, Okay this one” he decided to enter a shop panted red, a big truck saying “the Martin’s” stood outside which was filled with boxes then a voice came from back as he was going to enter the shop, a boy came running.
He was wearing a white sweat shirt and blue jeans he was about Cody’s age, he had a very fair skin and was wearing spectacles, he had a very short nose and jet brown curly hair he had long ears and had an expression of decency and intelligence on his face He crashed into Cody and he fell. “I am so sorry I didn’t see you” “No its okay” “want a hand?” asked the boy. “Thanks” and then Cody stood up. So, new in this town?’ asked Zed. “How did you know?”, “by seeing your face expressions are like you have entered some another world “Ha! Yea, actually my mom and dad is scientist they have to travel here for some research’. ‘Oh! I forgot to introduce myself; my name is Zed and you??? “Cody” “Zed come in lets have some snacks” “Err—ok” and they entered a big shop it was painted red and yellow and was very crowded ‘Okay, so which school?’ asked Zed. ‘Err- St. Lawrence’ replied Cody. ‘How is it?’ asked Cody. ‘Nice actually it’s a very new school,’ replied Zed. ‘Okay!’ said Cody. ‘You are staying here from how much time and you are in which School?’ asked Cody. ‘I am staying here from past thirteen years and in J.P.H School’ replied Zed. He was going to answer but then he heard a big splash. “You were never capable of being my boyfriend” said a girl to a boy whose hair had become brown due to the chocolate ice-cream on his head. “Hey but listen” and then he went running after the girl to door. “Weird!” exclaimed Cody. “Yea, so what are your hobbies?’ asked Cody. ‘Playing handball, baseball listening music and reading detective novels and playing soccer, in fact I was soccer captain of my team’ replied Zed. ‘Great! I also like handball and detective novels infect I played for inter school football tournament “replied Cody. ‘Good! And yes I like algebra also’ replied Zed. “Algebra!!! I suck at my algebra” said Cody. “Oh! Actually I am the topper of my grade” said Zed. ‘Good so you are a Mathematical genius” said Cody and Zed blushed like a girl. “So want to have a handball game?’ asked Zed to change the topic. “Yea I will play definitely’ replied Cody and then they went to the playground. “So, miss your friends?” asked Zed and hit the ball by passing it to Cody. “Yea, little bit but will get used to it” said Cody and passed the ball to Zed then they kept playing, infect they played for two hours and the bound between them grew deeper and deeper.
“So bye Zed its four o’ clock mom and dad must be waiting for me” said Cody. “Okay! Cody it was nice meeting you and playing with you, you are a wonderful handball player I didn’t even won one game” said Zed. “Okay then bye” and then Cody went back to his bus.
“Hey mom what’s up?” asked Cody, “nothing Co just get ready we have to buy your school uniform” said his mom and then they entered the bus. “Driver could you take us to the ‘Mr. Cyrus School Uniform”. “Yes sir it will take only ten minutes” and then they went. “So Co did you eat anything?” asked his mom “yea” and then I met a boy Zed we both played handball” said Cody. “Okay then you made a new friend” asked his mom. “Err yea I think so mom where will be stay?” “lab has provided us with quarters” replied Cody’s mom. “We are there sir” said Freddy (their driver) as Cody’s dad stepped out his cell phone rang. “Hello, yes sir what! How? Bu..t But sir please, okay thank you sir, bye”. “What happened?”, “Bertha we are being transferred to a place near Maine a kind of village and town ” “ What! Why?”, “because the headquarters thought we are the other Evans ” “who?” “listen there’s one more couple who work in west part of America their surname is also Evans they thought we were those Evans and transferred us here on search of lizards and they in Maine in search of beetles” “but they can stay their and research on beetles we will study on lizards” “no they are refusing to work their, because the climate in that village is humid and dry, their daughter is allergic to beetles and climate she gets “now?” “You just tell dad and we will talk to Co later”. “Co!” “Yes dad and then Cody came running from behind the road “yes” “let’s go”
Cody saw a big shop with a big board ‘Mr. Cyrus School Uniform’ and then he saw a man sitting at the counter he was about his grand and was wearing pale grey trousers, he had wrinkles on his face and he had so small eyes that it was difficult to recognize that he was awake or slept. “Welcome sir so how can I help you?” asked the old man. “Can we have two pair summer uniforms of St. Lawrence?” asked his dad, ‘Yea sure, new here?’ asked the old man. “Yes” said his dad. “It must be difficult for this kid to leave his friends, I can understand” said the old man and then the old man handed him a bright white shirt and a red trouser with red blazer. It had ‘St. Lawrence’ pasted on it with bright golden color, he also gave red socks. “Here’s your uniform sir” said the old man and then Cod’s dad gave him the money. And then they went. Mom I will look like a red tomato wearing this and why everyone is saying that I will miss my friends first Zed then he” said Cody and his mom ignored him. “Mom where are we staying?” asked Cody. “There’s a guest room we will stay there till one month till everything is ready” said his mom. “It is having two rooms one kitchen two washrooms” said his mom. “Okay!” said Cody.
Cody woke up next morning and then a voice came Co just see does your uniform suits. “Okay mom” replied Cody.
Cody came out with his uniform. “Oh my! My son looked so handsome and then she hugged him and then his dad came running through door “there is a bad news for all of us” said his dad, “what?” asked Cody. “Co your school is shut down” said his dad “What?” his mom and his grand pa exclaimed at once.
“Buu…t how? And why?” exclaimed Cody at once. “First calm down Co and now listen I got the information that your school was supplying drugs to other countries” said his dad, “and the students?” asked his mom. “Their year is destroyed, finished!” said his dad, “but why are they shutting the school?’ asked his mom, “because trusties were also involved in it and now it has become an international err, they were not having any other choice they were compelled” replied his dad. “But who was the master mind of this err?” asked his grand pa. “He is some Mr. Granger, “and my new school?” asked Cody. “I know someone from a school called Joseph Peters High School” said his dad. “Okay” said his mom with satisfaction in her talk. “But there is a problem” said his dad. “What?” asked Cody’s grand pa. “We have to send him hostel”. “Why? I can stay with you here” Cody cried. “Billy I think we need to tell him about Maine” “what Maine?” and then his dad explained the whole story of Mane “Listen dear, I found in that school the facility of hostel is provided, and in Maine at this time there will be no admissions, is my decision right?” asked his dad. “Yea I think you are right” said his mom “and you dad?” asked his mom, “Yes he is right”. “NO!” exclaimed Cody. “I hate you, hate you all!” and then Cody went to his room. Cody was a very calm and happy guy who doesn’t get angry easily he could handle problems easily but this time he was out of his senses. “Why, why I am always? “First the school and now hostel?’ Then someone knocked at the door. ‘May I come in?’ said a voice. ‘Yea grand pa you can’ said Cody sadly. ‘Hey champ! Don’t be sad’ sad his grand pa. ‘Buu…t they always, always! Do this first school and now hostel’. Cody your mom and dad also don’t want to make you stay in hostel I know them really well they always think well for you, see Cody if they think you will be good in hostel, you will be!. You will learn new things, like you will learn to be disciplined, self-depended and most important you will value and respect your elders and now I have to leave its very late now its up to you think about it at least only once and then tell me is your mom and dad right or wrong and then he left.
‘Whoa! Cody Evans your new town is so exciting, criminals are there who supply drugs, some people supply poisonous food and
now you have to go to hostel! “Three shocks at one day what will
happen in school?” Cody was right but didn’t know the meaning of his word ‘happen’ and here ‘happen’ means everything, really dangerous and adventure.




















2
An unexpected welcome in new town

“When we will reach Washington?” asked Cody’s father, “In ten minutes sir” replied their driver. “Please leave us on bus stop, we have to meet someone” said his mom. “Okay mam” replied their driver. “Yes thanks mom thank you very much” said Cody in his sleep. “Wake up Co we are about to reach” said his mom. Cody woke up excitingly “where?” then he woke up “oh!” said Cody. “What were you dreaming about Co?” asked his dad. “Nothing” replied Cody. “Come on Cody tell us” said his mom. “Okay if you insist, I was dreaming that our planned is cancelled and we are returning home” replied Cody sadly. “We know Co how it feels” said his mom hugging him. “Sorry dad”, “It’s alright” said his dad. “We are there sir” and then the bus stopped. Cody step sadly and slowly out of the bus.

A very pale and skinny man who had a grey moustache was standing with a blue shirt, red sweater and grey trousers. He had very beautiful eyes like Cody’s mom and a very long nose. ‘Grand pa!’ exclaimed Cody and hugged his grand pa. ‘Oh son missed you’ said his Grand pa. ‘How is my little champ?’ asked grand pa. ‘Fine’ replied Cody. ‘Dad’ hugged Cody’s mom to his grand pa. ‘How is my little princess?’, ‘Fine’ dad, ‘how are you?’ asked her dad. ‘I am also fine how Billy is?’ Cody’s mom was going to reply but then only Cody’s dad steeped out of the bus, ‘Billy!’ said Cody’s grand pa’, ‘how are you’ asked Cody’s grand pa ‘Me fine how are you dad?’ replied Cody’s dad, ‘same here’ Billy replied. ‘So Cody if you don’t mind I want to talk to your mom and dad’ said Cody’s grand pa.

‘Yea sure’ said Cody, ‘Cody till then take this money and go and eat something you haven’t eaten anything since morning and then his mom gave him $20. ‘Thanks mom’ and then Cody went. ‘Err...Where I shall go?’ and then he looked at a board ‘Blue Cross Street’.”Ok! I shall go over here, which shop I shall go?”. “Martin’s, Okay this one” he decided to enter a shop panted red, a big truck saying “the Martin’s” stood outside which was filled with boxes then a voice came from back as he was going to enter the shop, a boy came running.

He was wearing a white sweat shirt and blue jeans he was about Cody’s age, he had a very fair skin and was wearing spectacles, he had a very short nose and jet brown curly hair he had long ears and had an expression of decency and intelligence on his face He crashed into Cody and he fell. “I am so sorry I didn’t see you” “No its okay” “want a hand?” asked the boy. “Thanks” and then Cody stood up. So, new in this town?’ asked Zed. “How did you know?”, “by seeing your face expressions are like you have entered some another world

“Ha! Yea, actually my mom and dad is scientist they have to travel here for some research’. ‘Oh! I forgot to introduce myself; my name is Zed and you??? “Cody” “Zed come in lets have some snacks”

“Err—ok” and they entered a big shop it was painted red and yellow and was very crowded ‘Okay, so which school?’ asked Zed. ‘Err- St. Lawrence’ replied Cody. ‘How is it?’ asked Cody. ‘Nice actually it’s a very new school,’ replied Zed. ‘Okay!’ said Cody. ‘You are staying here from how much time and you are in which School?’ asked Cody. ‘I am staying here from past thirteen years and in J.P.H School’ replied Zed. He was going to answer but then he heard a big splash. “You were never capable of being my boyfriend” said a girl to a boy whose hair had become brown due to the chocolate ice-cream on his head. “Hey but listen” and then he went running after the girl to door. “Weird!” exclaimed Cody. “Yea, so what are your hobbies?’ asked Cody. ‘Playing handball, baseball listening music and reading detective novels and playing soccer, in fact I was soccer captain of my team’ replied Zed. ‘Great! I also like handball and detective novels infect I played for inter school football tournament “replied Cody. ‘Good! And yes I like algebra also’ replied Zed. “Algebra!!! I suck at my algebra” said Cody. “Oh! Actually I am the topper of my grade” said Zed. ‘Good so you are a Mathematical genius” said Cody and Zed blushed like a girl. “So want to have a handball game?’ asked Zed to change the topic. “Yea I will play definitely’ replied Cody and then they went to the playground. “So, miss your friends?” asked Zed and hit the ball by passing it to Cody. “Yea, little bit but will get used to it” said Cody and passed the ball to Zed then they kept playing, infect they played for two hours and the bound between them grew deeper and deeper.

“So bye Zed its four o’ clock mom and dad must be waiting for me” said Cody. “Okay! Cody it was nice meeting you and playing with you, you are a wonderful handball player I didn’t even won one game” said Zed. “Okay then bye” and then Cody went back to his bus.

“Hey mom what’s up?” asked Cody, “nothing Co just get ready we have to buy your school uniform” said his mom and then they entered the bus. “Driver could you take us to the ‘Mr. Cyrus School Uniform”. “Yes sir it will take only ten minutes” and then they went. “So Co did you eat anything?” asked his mom “yea” and then I met a boy Zed we both played handball” said Cody. “Okay then you made a new friend” asked his mom. “Err yea I think so mom where will be stay?” “lab has provided us with quarters” replied Cody’s mom. “We are there sir” said Freddy (their driver) as Cody’s dad stepped out his cell phone rang. “Hello, yes sir what! How? Bu..t But sir please, okay thank you sir, bye”. “What happened?”, “Bertha we are being transferred to a place near Maine a kind of village and town ” “ What! Why?”, “because the headquarters thought we are the other Evans ” “who?” “listen there’s one more couple who work in west part of America their surname is also Evans they thought we were those Evans and transferred us here on search of lizards and they in Maine in search of beetles”

“but they can stay their and research on beetles we will study on lizards” “no they are refusing to work their, because the climate in that village is humid and dry, their daughter is allergic to beetles and climate she gets “now?” “You just tell dad and we will talk to Co later”. “Co!” “Yes dad and then Cody came running from behind the road “yes” “let’s go”

Cody saw a big shop with a big board ‘Mr. Cyrus School Uniform’ and then he saw a man sitting at the counter he was about his grand and was wearing pale grey trousers, he had wrinkles on his face and he had so small eyes that it was difficult to recognize that he was awake or slept. “Welcome sir so how can I help you?” asked the old man. “Can we have two pair summer uniforms of St. Lawrence?” asked his dad, ‘Yea sure, new here?’ asked the old man. “Yes” said his dad. “It must be difficult for this kid to leave his friends, I can understand” said the old man and then the old man handed him a bright white shirt and a red trouser with red blazer.

It had ‘St. Lawrence’ pasted on it with bright golden color, he also gave red socks. “Here’s your uniform sir” said the old man and then Cod’s dad gave him the money. And then they went. Mom I will look like a red tomato wearing this and why everyone is saying that I will miss my friends first Zed then he” said Cody and his mom ignored him. “Mom where are we staying?” asked Cody. “There’s a guest room we will stay there till one month till everything is ready” said his mom. “It is having two rooms one kitchen two washrooms” said his mom. “Okay!” said Cody.

Cody woke up next morning and then a voice came Co just see does your uniform suits. “Okay mom” replied Cody.
Cody came out with his uniform. “Oh my! My son looked so handsome and then she hugged him and then his dad came running through door “there is a bad news for all of us” said his dad, “what?” asked Cody. “Co your school is shut down” said his dad “What?” his mom and his grand pa exclaimed at once.

“Buu…t how? And why?” exclaimed Cody at once. “First calm down Co and now listen I got the information that your school was supplying drugs to other countries” said his dad, “and the students?” asked his mom. “Their year is destroyed, finished!” said his dad, “but why are they shutting the school?’ asked his mom, “because trusties were also involved in it and now it has become an international err, they were not having any other choice they were compelled” replied his dad. “But who was the master mind of this err?” asked his grand pa. “He is some Mr. Granger, “and my new school?” asked Cody. “I know someone from a school called Joseph Peters High School” said his dad. “Okay” said his mom with satisfaction in her talk. “But there is a problem” said his dad. “What?” asked Cody’s grand pa. “We have to send him hostel”. “Why? I can stay with you here” Cody cried. “Billy I think we need to tell him about Maine” “what Maine?” and then his dad explained the whole story of Mane “Listen dear, I found in that school the facility of hostel is provided, and in Maine at this time there will be no admissions, is my decision right?” asked his dad. “Yea I think you are right” said his mom “and you dad?” asked his mom, “Yes he is right”. “NO!” exclaimed Cody.

“I hate you, hate you all!” and then Cody went to his room. Cody was a very calm and happy guy who doesn’t get angry easily he could handle problems easily but this time he was out of his senses. “Why, why I am always? “First the school and now hostel?’ Then someone knocked at the door. ‘May I come in?’ said a voice. ‘Yea grand pa you can’ said Cody sadly. ‘Hey champ! Don’t be sad’ sad his grand pa. ‘Buu…t they always, always! Do this first school and now hostel’. Cody your mom and dad also don’t want to make you stay in hostel I know them really well they always think well for you, see Cody if they think you will be good in hostel, you will be!.

You will learn new things, like you will learn to be disciplined, self-depended and most important you will value and respect your elders and now I have to leave its very late now its up to you think about it at least only once and then tell me is your mom and dad right or wrong and then he left.

‘Whoa! Cody Evans your new town is so exciting, criminals are there who supply drugs, some people supply poisonous food and

now you have to go to hostel! “Three shocks at one day what will
happen in school?” Cody was right but didn’t know the meaning of his word ‘happen’ and here ‘happen’ means everything, really dangerous and adventure.
  





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Sun Mar 27, 2011 6:59 am
Lava says...



Hey there!

So, that's a huge chunk of text. I'd suggest editing it and splitting it into two chapter. You don't want to scare away reviewers, do you?
So, I could read only the first part, and I'm not sure about the plot as it isn't really introduced here.

Dialogue : Most of it seemed forced and unnatural. The best way to improve dialogue is to read book and follow its dialogue and TV. Watch the English shows on Star World or something to get a hold of how people speak.

Description: There wasn't much description. INstead of going for physical description, you can go for satisfying the five senses of a reader - Sight, smell, sound, taste and touch. You can also describe the atmosphere in the room and maybe his emotions. Show us more of what the MC is so that we can connect to him.

While it's a good start, it needs major editing.
Cheers,
~Lava
~
Pretending in words was too tentative, too vulnerable, too embarrassing to let anyone know.
- Ian McEwan in Atonement

sachi: influencing others since GOD KNOWS WHEN.

  





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116 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1944
Reviews: 116
Sun Mar 27, 2011 7:09 am
ForsakenAngel says...



Hi there, Shadow here. This is really amazing. I liked it! Though I haven't read the first part of it, I'm sure it is really great as well.

~Forsakinshadow~
Hakuna Matata <3
RIP to all my friends who didn’t make it.

Hop freight or get lost.
  








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