Young Writers Society

Gary looked round when David handed him the toy the man looking like he had accomplished something, David thought.
“I said I didn’t want it…” he replied angrily.
“Bu…but Gary the man gave it to you, the lease you can do is be more considerate.”

"What man? David, you're starting to scare me. It's only us here," Gary looked around wearily.
David looked around too. Gary was right, the man had vanished. Now he thought about it he never heard any footsteps.
“Well David say I do believe you, and I don’t this toy is now rightfully mine”, he then spun his finger around his ear.
“Bu.bu.but there was a man here I swear” David stammered.
“Whatever David I’m going back to the orphanage, and you can act freaky like this in here all day if you want, later” Gary pulled up his hood over his short spiky blond hair grabbed an extra toy and ran out.
David cursed him under his breath why his parents have too die in that car crash he could vaguely remember it all the blood all the glass his father had almost survived, but when trying to get him out his Father had suddenly had a heart attack dying on the spot.
David turned round to leave and saw all the clockwork toys grinning at him. He shivered his imagination playing tricks with him that all he thought, but why does it look like there moving. He started to run he had idea why he ran he was scared something about those toys was scary he looked at the time on his green strapped digital watch. It was 6:00 he ran for the door trying to open it, was locked he shivered he didn’t want to spend a night in here so he ran too the window trying to find a way out, Then he heard a noise that made him shake like hell tick tock, tick tock, tick tock
And then he saw tiny feet moving out the darkness. This can’t be happening he thought this couldn’t be happening.

... look like he had accomplished something thought David.
Looking like he had accomplished something, David thought.

Lease should be least

Gary looked around and said
“What man? David you’re starting to scare me it’s only me and you here.”
"What man? David, you're starting to scare me. It's only us here," Gary looked around wearily.

I'm not good with people being said they're saying something before it's said, so if you want to keep it at that ask somebody else.

David looked around Gary was right he had vanished, and now he thought of it he never heard any foot steps.
David looked around too. Gary was right, the man had vanished. Now he thought he never heard any footsteps.

It's too dark to see the board but you have a few more errors in grammar and weak points. I like it though, but it does remind me of the Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apococlypse when Jack first entered the clockwork town... have you ever read it?

There were hundreds of them all grinning like crazy, and all wielding a weapon of some sort. He backed against wall and prayed for a miracle. Then David thought they are tiny, I can handle them so he picked up a baseball bat and charged at them and swung. He hit loads of them but when ever he hit them more came from selves to join them. Then he felt them climbing all over him cutting him everywhere his leg his head his arm. Suddenly just as fast they begun they stopped and fell down. David breathed a sigh of relief. He then smashed a window with the bat and ran out. He did not care if he cut himself now he did not care if he was late those things could have killed them why did they stop he needed to know that. He sat down and looked at him self they had cut him up bad his leg was covered with those little wounds so much so it looked like one big wound. He sighed and limped back to the orphanage.