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Slayers Chapter 1



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Wed Apr 20, 2011 11:09 pm
XxjustmeXx says...



I sigh, wiggling in the tiny desk. I check the clock once again and realize we still have at least thirty minutes before class is over. I sigh again, causing a kid who looks like he should still be in kindergarten, not the ninth grade, to glare at me. I try to hold my snort of laughter in, seeing this tiny boy act like he can intimidate me. At fifteen years old, I'm the youngest Demon slayer working out in the field. As if I'm going to let this boy scare me!

I bite on my lower lip, wondering why, of all places, my assignment has to be in a highschool! I just can't imagine an influx of rogue Inferno Demons in a place, so boring, so dull. I switch positions, trying to get the feeling in my back side to come back. Who decided to make these desks so hard? No wonder these kids think highschool's a living Hell!
I'm just about to switch my position again when a familiar tingling in the pit of my stomach signals the arrival of a demon. My eyes scan the room, subtle so as not to scare the humans. And yes, I'm technically not a human. I'm faster, stronger, can hear and see better, and am basically designed for combat. Not to mention the extra, uh, abilities. In short, I'm closer to being Demon then Human. My eyes rest on a quick moving blur outside by the window. I raise my hand quickly.

"Yes Sophia?" Mr. Tronse asks from his desk.

"Can I go to the bathroom?" I smile, making a show of wiggling in my seat like I can't hold it.

"Sure, fill out your passport."

I pull my assignment book out and turn to the back called the "passport" because, like an actual passport lets you out of the country safely, this "passport" lets us out of the classroom safely. I fill it out quickly with the date, time, and my "destination." God, can they get any cheesier?

Mr. Tronse puts his signature in the designated box, letting me hurry out of the room. As soon as I'm sure no one's in the hall, I run at top speed to the tiny locker I was given. Had any of the humans seen me, they would have only seen a vague blur. I stop at locker 3016, putting in my combination. The thing's only about five inches wide, three feet high, and a foot deep, just big enough for me to fit my long Scimitar sword, tiny Kris dagger, and compact Khopesh knife, all forged by
the finest swordsman in Asia, my best friends dad.

I pull the Scimitar out first, admiring the long, silver blade that starts out wide, then thins into an elegant curve that then widens again before coming to a delicate point, giving it the impression of a bent rectangle. Carved into it is, وعلى ضوء يسود on the front and האור יגברו on the back. Both translated to, "The light shall prevail." in Arabic and Hebrew.

Next, I take out the Kris dagger. The blackened steel sends off a dangerous glint. The blade starts out thick and thins out as it curves into what looks like a snake slithering but comes to deadly point. Inscribed around the blade is 光為準, and 光に従, going up and around it the whole thing. Again, translated to, "The light shall prevail." in Chinese and Japanese.

Last, I take out the Khopesh. My favorite of the three begins thin and then thickens as it curves int a crescent, the top squaring of with a point on the one side and then the bottom has a point where it begins to curve, as it suddenly becomes lager. In the front, Το φως θα υπερισχύσει is engraved and on the back, Lux poterimus. In Greek and Latin it means, as you can guess, "The light shall prevail." As each was carved by my own hand, I had, uh, blessed them with a quick spell. The only thing that allows them to even bite into a demons skin. Any other sword or knife would be useless. The engravings only make the incantation stronger.

I shove each one into their case. The Scimitar and Khopesh sheaths get strapped onto my back in the cliche criss cross position only because it's the easiest for me to grab them at a moments notice. The Kris Dagger is clipped onto my hip for easy access if needed in small fights or up close and personal defense.

With my weapons in place, I take off towards the front door. As I push the double doors open, a voice stops me in my tracks.

"You! Where are you going?" A deep voice calls after me. "And are those swords?"

I murmur an incantation under my breath for the weapons to become invisible unless someone knows what their looking for. I turn around and smile a warm and broad grin.

"I have a doctors appointment." I say.

"Okay, but what's on your back? I can't quite make out..." He trails off as I utter another incantation for memory loss. "Where are you going again?"

"Doctors appointment." I smile again, easing out the door.

"Okay, just make sure you bring a note next time."

I rush outside and stop, taking in my surroundings. Everything seems quiet and peacefull, the calm before the storm...

Someone lunges for me, looking as human as myself. Only the slight acrid smell and scent of sulfur gives the Inferno away.

I manage to use his velocity against him and flip him onto his back before he can take me down with him. I press the ball of my foot against his chest, making it difficult for him to breathe or get up. I pull the Scimitar from its sheath and press the edge against his throat. His skin sizzles as the steel touches him.

"Who are you, Child?" The guy hisses, well as much as you can hiss with practically no breath.

"Uh, I'm pretty sure that should be my question." I stare at him unblinkingly.

"I have no obligation to explain myself to you, Child." He hisses again, looking insulted.

"Okay, you really need to stop calling me 'Child' my name's Sophia and I'm the youngest Demon Slayer to graduate Combat and Training. Now give me your paperwork or I'll be forced to kill you." I deman with annoyance.

I know it sounds harsh but if this one's a rogue, he has to die. There's no mercy when the thing feeds off human flesh and chaos. All demons are required to sign a contract with the Slayers to follow the rules we've set for them. If they choose not to, their fair game for any of us Slayers. They know it as well as us and it's their choice. Most choose rules over death. Some don't.

"You fool, I have no paperwork!" He snarls. "I would rather die a hundred deaths then betray my beloved queen!"

His hand grabs my ankle, singing the skin. An angry red welt appears instantly. I grit my teeth against the burn as he jumps up. His hands raise to defend himself. Before I know it, he punches, aiming for my nose. I catch his hand and twist his arm behind his back.

Fire leaps to his fingers again, burning me enough to make me let go. I yell an incantation with fury, a thin sheen of ice slipping over my skin so his burns won't do much anymore. I throw a roundhouse kick into the side of his neck, making his head snap to the left so hard I could actually hear some of his bones cracking.

"You're good for a kid." He sneers.

He rubs at his neck, wincing every once and a while. I manage a grimace and charge him again, pulling the Scimitar from its sheath once again. The weight in my hands is familiar, comforting as I'm about to do this totally unmoral thing, yet I know it's the right thing to do.

I push him against the red brick wall, hard enough for him to wince again. I raise the blade to his neck, leaning in closely.

"Tell me more about this queen of yours." I whisper into his ear.

"Amelia, Queen of the Renagades will destroy you Slayers, all of you! You can't win this fight, not this time!" He yells, kicking his legs frantically to get out of our deadly embrace.

Well that's a new name.

"I'm sorry, God." I close my eyes and whisper.

And then I plunge the Scimitar into his stomach, the sizzling becoming sickeningly loud. His eyes widen, the light slowly fading from them. I try not to meet them but end staring directly into them as he slumps down the wall, finally dead. At least it wasn't that long or very painful. Yeah, at least. I pull my cell phone out and dial Rayne's number.

"Hello?" She asnwers groggily.

"I need you to come clean up." I whisper into the phone.

"Kay Hunn, I'll be right there." She says quickily then hangs up.

I hang up too, leaning against the wall. I slide down it and beside the body, looking straight into his eyes again.

"I'm sorry."
  





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Fri Apr 22, 2011 9:49 pm
matthewmazer says...



I was reading this and I thought it was really good. I liked how you made everything kind of.....flow into eachother. The idea behind the writing was pretty cool too and I like howeverything seems pretty normal. If I were to do one thing differently I would change
another incantation for memory loss
I would use google translate and put the actual spell into words and make it like "the spell", an incantation for memory loss. Just my opinion though. Hoping to see more of your stuff later.
We've all been sorry. We've all been hurt. How we survive is what makes us who we are.
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Sat May 21, 2011 7:00 am
RacheDrache says...



All right, Just You. I must admit I was dubious throughout the first portion of this story here. While it flowed nicely as Matthew said, and was cool and written well, I was having my doubts, thinking this was more or less going to be a video game with the perfect heroine and all that and blah blah blah.

I'm sorry I doubted you. Her remorse in the killing and her earlier admission that she's closer to Demon than Human give some complexity to this girl that I hadn't expected. Usually when I read the "stronger, faster, better... youngest at blank, first ever at blank," I groan.

But I think you're in the clear for now.

My first comment in way of critique is that your dialogue isn't punctuated right. I know, I know. Lamesauce comment and you'd rather hear about something else. But punctuation is like vegetables. Veggies must be eaten, and punctuation must be done right. The way things are. Here's a link to help you out: topic44898.html.

I disagree with Matthew about spelling out the incantation. Don't do a Google search or spell it out. Unless you know an old language to use that makes sense, you'd be headed for trouble. And even that would present different problems. (And as a side note... make sure the scripts you use are actually saying what you think they say. Direct translation into a translator is going to give you results that are less than ideal.)

You've got some typos here and there, but whatever....

All right, story stuff. First, I'm wondering how it is that no one comes out at all that noise! Seems awfully loud to me.

Second, while your dialogue for the most part settled nicely into good action-genre dialogue, there was one moment in particular that seemed very... cliche. Indiana Jones or new Star Wars or B-grade action flick status:

"Amelia, Queen of the Renagades will destroy you Slayers, all of you! You can't win this fight, not this time!"


For one thing, he conveniently offers up information that might be in his better interest to keep a secret. For another, what I imagined in my head is the part where the bad guy falls into the bottomless pit/pit of snakes screaming, "Neeeeeveeeeeeeeeeer" at the top of his lungs. Borderline silly instead of rugged and cool. So you might want to change that.

That said... I think that's a wrap. Let me know if you have any questions!

Rach
I don't fangirl. I fandragon.

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