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Down Below 3



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Fri Apr 22, 2011 3:42 am
Alexwriter says...



3


Scott awoke in a barred cell in a bed that actually gave him extra room; he wasn’t falling off the edge like in his room back underground. His wounds had been bandaged and a tray of scrumptious looking food sat at the end of the bed, although after weeks of eating intestines, everything else looked delicious. There was another bed in the room where Gray lay, dead, asleep, or unconscious, Scott couldn’t tell. Scott saw some new clothes folded next to his bed and he quietly slipped into them. They were far more colourful and comfortable than his Stadt Wahrheit uniform or his thermo suit. He made his way over to Gray’s bed. Gray looked untroubled and serene. Scott was relieved to see a slight, shaky, rise and fall to his chest. Gray couldn’t be much older than Scott, five, seven years at the most. He was definitely in his early twenties. Scott had never seen Gray before because Gray was from Stadt Wahrheit’s sister city, Stadt Tod, city of death. Scott willed Gray to wake up.

“Good to see you’re alright,” said the girl, Ari, as she sat in a chair on the other side of the bars. She was wearing a long, flowing green gown with a gold belt around the waist and a matching metal band around her head. The slit up the leg of the gown revealed a thigh sheath that held a lethal-looking dagger. “I hope you found my bed comfortable, I had it moved down here, much to my dad’s horror.”

“Y-your bed...?” Scott looked back at the bed he’d been sleeping in. “Are you alright? I didn’t mean to deprive you of a place to sleep.”

“Oh, it’s no problem. There are so many rooms in this place I still get lost sometimes.” She gazed around the cell. “It converts into a hospital quite nicely I think.” She looked at the full tray of food and frowned. “You really should eat.”

“No, I’m fine. I’ll just wait until he wakes up.” Scott’s stomach growled audibly and Ari giggled. Scott had never heard a giggle before.

“You should eat, he won’t be waking up for some time,” Ari sobered. “You gave him quite a thrashing.” Scott turned back to Gray and said nothing more. He felt guilt bubble within him and he fought back tears. Ari silently turned and left the two alone.

“Angel...” Gray muttered, sweat gathering on his forehead. “Angel...”

“Gray... are you alright?” Scott asked, gripping his mentor’s shoulder. But Gray wasn’t conscious. What Scott would’ve have given to see inside Gray’s mind at that moment. He wanted to understand why Gray cried out Angel’s name.

Gray felt tears sting the backs of his eyes but he refused to let them show. He wouldn’t give him the satisfaction. Smokey Merlot held a blade to her throat. “You should’ve known better Gray. This is very much against the rules. You’re fifteen Gray, with so much ahead of you. But too bad we can’t say the same for your little friend.” And with ease and disinterest, Smokey ran the blade a cross her throat...

“Angel!” Gray screamed as he sat up. Pain shot across his stomach and spread throughout his entire being. He ran a hand through his hair and stifled a sob. He didn’t cry then and he wouldn’t cry now.

Scott lay asleep in a chair beside his bed. He gazed down at the main source of pain and saw blood seeping across the white bandages that wrapped around his waist. He swore under his breath. “You got me good kid,” he muttered. He then added bitterly, “They taught you well.”

Scott stirred and his eyes opened, they glazed over the room and came into focus on Gray’s face. “Gray! You’re awake!”

“That I am,” Gray muttered. “How long have I been out?”

“Two days,” Scott said matter-of-factly. “Ari has been taking care of us.”

“Ari? Who’s that?”

“You –you don’t remember?” Scott asked, running a hand through his hair much like Gray had just done. “She saved our lives in the arena. And so we’re here at her place. It’s massive Gray. I’ve never been in a place so huge. I saw hundreds of rooms, just on the way down here.” Gray chuckled at the wonder that sparkled in Scott’s eyes. “Of course, we’re stuck in this cell, but that’s not so bad; I’ve never been treated this well in my life!”

“True... I’ve been in worse places. Holy shit! Is that food?” Gray looked in wonder at the food platter waiting for him. It was this thing Ari had called a waffle, smothered in sickly sweet golden goo. It was called syrup.

“And it wasn’t taken from some animal’s insides,” Scott grinned, and then hesitated. “That I know of.” The two descended upon their meal and both decided they loved waffles.

“Gray,” Scott said around a bite of syrup-soaked waffle. He got a grunt in reply. “Who’s Angel?” Gray froze, a plastic fork of waffle lingering before his lips. He then dropped it as if it were diseased. It bounced off the plate and landed on his pure white sheets, staining them gold.

“I’m suddenly not hungry.”

“You didn’t answer my question. Who’s Angel? I hear you screaming her name all the time in your sleep.”

“She’s in the past.”

“Who was she?”

“All you need to know,” Gray said slowly. “Is to obey the Order whatever you do. But above all, obey Smokey Merlot. He doesn’t go by their rules. He may look like he cares about the Order and Angel City and Stadt Wahrheit but he doesn’t. He’s a sick bastard who likes three things, control, torture and killing. Don’t cross Smokey Merlot.”

Scott didn’t know how to respond. He wasn’t hungry anymore either. There was a sharp clanging sound and the metal door to the dungeon opened and Ari traipsed through. Although it was the same day, Ari had exchanged her long green gown for a bright violet tunic with a gold hem and large boots, strapped to which were two knives per foot and the thigh sheath was now strapped around her leggings. This girl may be beautiful, but dainty she was not.

“What are your names?” Ari asked with folded arms. Scott was about to introduce himself when Gray interrupted.

“I am Taiyo and this is my younger brother, Keenan.”

“Come along then Taiyo,” she said as a guard stoically unlocked the cell. Her eyes flitted to Scott’s and their gazes met. “Keenan.”

“We’re being let go?” Scott asked, his brow furrowed. Ari laughed, the sound like the tinkling of tiny bells.

“No, of course not, stupid. You have to earn your keep.”

“Earn our keep?” Gray gestured to the cell. “We’re prisoners.”

“Would you rather be corpses?” Ari asked, raising an eyebrow and reaching for the sword at her waist.

“No, no,” Gray grinned. “Menial labour is fine. Just fabulous.”
Last edited by Alexwriter on Sun May 01, 2011 8:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Sun May 01, 2011 7:12 pm
Soulkana says...



Still loving this I'm sorry I didn't review before now or the second chapter been kinda busy but I love the plot and I couldn't find any spelling errors to that works. Good job and keep up the well done work!!! XD Happy review day and Writing I'm off to go get rid of the others in the recent ones with 0 plan on getting them all HAHAHA. Good luck and best of wishes!! ^^
Soulkana<3
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Sun May 01, 2011 7:15 pm
Shearwater says...



Hi there! I'll be reviewing this for you.

It's going to be a quick review since I haven't really read the other chapters of this.
I have just a few nitpicks to gather first.
. But too bad we can’t say the same for a your little friend.”

*can't say the same for your little friend?
“I’m suddenly not hungry.”

For him to say this makes him seem really childish.
I don't understand why you'd want to skip out food in that condition just because someone asked you a question.
“We’re being let go?” Scott asked, his brow furrowed.

I see you doing this quite a bit in your writing and I'm going to tell you it's not correctly put together. If you want to say that his brows furrowed together then there shouldn't just be a comma between the two. You actually have to go off and add some sort of conjunction or something to bring the two together.
= "We're being let go?" Scott asked, furrowing his brows.
="We're being let go?" Scott asked while furrowing his brows.
=Scott furrowed his brows. "We're being let go?" he asked.

See? There are a lot different ways to say that but you just have to put it together correctly. ^.^
Menial labour is fine. Just fabulous.”

I think you mean *Labor lol.

Overall, you have an interesting plot and all. I wish I could comment more on this but I don't really understand much of it since well, I haven't exactly read all the chapters. Hopefully the small nitpicks help you correct some of the mistakes in your grammar a little bit.

What I did like was your descriptions. They weren't too over done but you were able to keep it steady. There wasn't too much telling either and you were on line with the showing as well. The story flowed thoroughly and I enjoyed reading this. Good job. If I have some more time, I might see if I can go back and review more it. But I usually don't review novels unless they really grab my attention. lol

Keep up the good work and let me know if you need anything else.

-Shear
There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
-W. Somerset Maugham
  





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Tue May 03, 2011 2:47 am
freewritersavvy says...



One thing to say.....MORE!!!!!

~FW~
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