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The Unwanted ( Chapter one )



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Fri Apr 22, 2011 2:12 pm
Lilybeans333 says...



Prologue:
Violet Emerson: the Smart Girl, the Nice Girl, the Teachers Pet, the Nerd. I would give anything to have these nicknames again. But now, I’ve earned myself a nickname that will never change. Violet Emerson: the Juvenile Delinquent. Violet Emerson who is a prisoner in the world’s most horrible, nasty place in the world. Violet Emerson: the Murderer.

Chapter One:
Someone slams my head against the car, securing my hands tightly in a shiny pair of handcuffs. I don’t know what’s going on. I never did. I open my mouth slightly to ask what I’m doing here. What did I do? I don’t belong here. What’s going on?

“ Wha-?“The result, Is a fist slamming against my mouth. The salty taste of blood fills my mouth as someone tugs me off the car. Something is injected into the side of my body. I black out.

Darkness. Light. Blood. The crimson stuff is everywhere. My fingers. The floor. The knife. The knife? There’s a girl. She’s about 8 years old and has the prettiest face I’ve ever seen in my life. Too bad that face is now dead. That face is now murdered. By me.

Freezing cold water dribbles down my cheeks and into my shirt.

“You know, you didn’t have to dunk my head in a bucket of cold water to wake me up. “ I mutter trying to sound irritated. But, instead it just comes out tired and scared. A guy next to me chuckles and pushes me forward.

“Orders from the boss. Sorry, Girl. “ My head spins. Who exactly is, the boss?

“Where are we? “ I ask tentatively. The same guy shakes his head and keeps pushing me down a huge white hall. Some other guys trail behind us but don’t say anything.

“ Excuse me? Did you hear me? I asked a question! “ The man pulls my hand cuffs tighter and I cry out in pain.

“ Shut up, Girl. “ He spits.

“ I woke up in a dark room with a bunch of guys I don’t know dunking my head into a bucket of freezing cold water. I don’t know where I am or what I did. I’m a 14 year old girl so; I think I deserve to know what’s going on! “ The man tugs on my handcuffs again and I stifle a scream. I shut up. A few minutes pass and we finally reach a dusty old elevator. We step in and one of the guys presses the number 7. Just as the door starts to close I scream at the top of my lungs and ram into the door. Then, I black out again.

“ I don’t know boss! All I know is that she’s perfect. We need her! Come on. Just give her a shot. “ My eyes fling open and I stare at the two men standing in front of me. One is the guy from earlier. The other one is new. He’s dressed in a black suit. Well, both of them are. But, this new guy. He looks...Bigger. Better. Meaner.

“We’ll talk later, Ace. Looks like we have an eavesdropper upon us. “ The new guy pauses then turns to look at me. I shiver. I don’t have any idea how he knew when I opened my eyes, but either way, its creepy.

“ I’m glad your awake, Violet. My name is Valdemar. But, you can call me V. This- “ Valdemar refers to the guy from earlier. “ Is Ace. But, I believe you’ve already met him. Ace is my assistant. You must be pretty confused. But, don’t worry. They’re all confused when they first get here but, soon enough you’ll be fitting in. “ Who is they? Where am I? How’d I get here? Who are these people? What do they want from me? So many questions. I open my mouth and V shushes me quickly. I shrink back in my chair and fight the urge to roll my eyes.

“ Ms. Emerson, Welcome to The NCCFK. The National Criminal Center for Kids. You- “ I jump up angrily, to find my hands handcuffed to the chairs. Criminal Center For Kids? I don’t know what’s going on but, I definitely am not a Criminal. I’m about to protest when V gently pushes a spot on my shoulder that makes me cringe in pain.

“ I advice that you stop talking, Ms. Emerson. You may not remember and you can protest all you want but, You. Violet Emerson are a criminal. “I'm about to ask another question but, the look on V’s face stops me. Instead I growl and lean back in my chair.

“ Later, You will get a tag that has all your information. In case you...Forgot. Any of it. Anyways, You’ll be put into a cell with some other young criminals your age. Some boys, Some girls. Here’s your schedule- “ V pauses as Ace hands me a half sheet of yellow paper.

Violet Emerson
4:30 am Wake up call
4:45 am Meet in the main cell
5:00 am Carry on duties for the day
8:00 am Breakfast
8:30 am Begin Training
12: 00 pm Lunch
12: 30 pm Continue Training
3:00 pm Break
4:00 pm XXXXXXX REPORT TO CELL..UNDETERMINED XXXXXXXX
9:00 pm Lights off

Violet Emerson: Undetermined.

4:30 am?!?! No way. What’s up with this? I open my mouth one more time and sigh as V interrupts me again.

“ No ifs, whats, or buts about it. Ace will show you to your cell now.” Then, V walks out. Ace comes over and unlocks the handcuffs but, quickly replaces them. As he leads me out of the room I finally get a good look at the place. We’re in a tall building, I can tell by the windows. The windows? Why would there be window in a jail? And there’s not even those jail bars covering the windows like I see in the movies. And why would it be a tall building? Couldn’t we like...jump out of the windows and like...commit suicide? Ace leads me down a hallway and then we reach another dusty elevator. I follow him in and this time he presses the very top top button. “Cells “ The doors close. Clank. Clunk. The elevator slowly makes its way up 39 floors. Finally, the elevator comes to stop and the doors crank open. The first thing that hits me is the smell. It’s like a...Room filled with Elephant poop. No, Worse. It’s like a room filled with...Cat urine! Oh yeah, That stuff stinks. Nothing like the room before, this room is dark, with barely any windows or lights. The few windows have bars on them. Like the ones I was thinking of before. Cell after cell line the walls. But, these cells are different. Their bigger. Instead of fitting just one or two prisoners I bet these cells could fit 10 to 15. I can’t get a good look at the cells but, I’m sure I’ll be getting familiar with one soon enough. Ace pushes me harshly and I realize I’ve stopped in the doorway of the elevator. I step into the..you couldn’t really call it a room. Let’s just call it a...Prison. I step into the prison and suddenly, there’s shouting from every corner of the room. Screaming, yelling. It’s a horrible sound. Like the sound of a million cats dying.

“ SHUT UP YOU LITTLE POOPFACES! “ Ace screams back. I stifle a laugh. I mean come on, Poopfaces? Now that’s a little childish. Suddenly, a fist comes forward and smacks me in the face. Blood bursts out, staining the floor and my clothes. My clothes. I didn’t realize but, after I blacked out the second time someone must have changed me because my normal blue jeans and t-shirt are gone and replaced with thick black sweatpants and a navy blue tank top. What happened to those orange jumpsuits? The pain in my face brings me back to reality and I grit my teeth in agony.

“ What was that for? “ I mutter angrily, turning towards Ace. “ Don’t look at me! It was those idiot kids. “ He growls ducking as another fist comes flying out of the bars.

“ I really should talk to V about closing up these cells. “ Ace mutters pulling me forward. The blood dribbles down my face and I squeeze away the tears that I know are about to come. Be strong, Violet. You have to show these idiot prisoners that you’re the best and you absolutely do not belong here. We pass cell after cell and I swear the prisoners are getting worse as we go. Finally we reach the end of the long line of cells to find one single room with a metal door.

“ What. Is. This. “ I growl turning around to face Ace.

“ Am I like...So bad you can’t even keep me in a cell? You have to lock me in a metal, torture room? “ I spit. Ace grins and shakes his head.

“ I wish. But, no. We keep all the newbees in this room until we figure out what level your on. “ He states grabbing a set of keys from his back pocket and unlocking the door.

“ Now get on in. You’ll be woken up tomorrow at 4:30 to begin your testing. So, I advice that you get to sleep now. “ Then, Ace pushes me through the door, Unlocks my handcuffs, and slams the door shut. I hear the door lock and I sigh. I turn around slowly, preparing myself for the worse. The walls are made of old, faded gray cement. Everywhere there’s writing on the walls. How they got pencils in here…beats me. I look to the closest one and I’m surprised to see a small heart that reads “ A+I “ I smile and turn back towards the room. Maybe prisoners can have love lives. The smile fades as I get a better look at the room. The floor is a dirty brown dried mud material. It reminds me of poop. I shiver realizing that there is no toilet. What happened to those comfy metal toilets? In the corner is a small metal bed and that’s basically it. Let’s hope I won’t be a “ Newbee “ For long. I quickly jump to my bed trying to make the least possible contact with the poop floor. When I reach the small bed, I sit down and go over the events of the day. But, all I keep thinking is how I’m ever going to fall asleep.

I wake up in the middle of night, screaming. I don’t normally wake up when I have bad dreams but, just a warning. Don’t scream In your sleep in a prison. But, soon enough the darkness puts me to sleep and I drift into the land of horrible thoughts…again.

“ WAKE UP! “ The blaring scream echos throughout the whole prison and I sit straight up. “ God. “ I mutter rubbing my eyes. My face aches like crazy from the amount of punches I endured yesterday. I look at the small wrist watch tightly wrapped around my left wrist. 4:28. Ugh. Suddenly, the door to my “ cell “ flies open and Ace stands in the doorway.

“ Morning Girl! UP UP UP UP! NOW! Come on. “ I slowly get up and apparently I’m to slow for Ace so he springs forward and attaches a pair of handcuffs to my wrists. He pulls me out of the room quickly and slams the door shut. He locks it and then turns to me.

“ Follow me girl. Never leave my sight. GOT IT? “ I nod and wince as a ball of Ace’s spit comes flying out of his mouth. Ace leads me to the elevator on the other end of the hallway. He inserts the key into some kind of lock to get into the elevator and the doors clank open. We take the long ride to the 2nd floor and when the doors open Ace pushes me harshly into the room.

“ Just a few tests. It’ll determine what groups your in. Just do whatever the trainer tells you and…be good? Okay? “ Ace looks genuinely concerned so I nod half-heartedly. He grins and then leaves me to do whatever it is I’m here for. The room is huge. It’s some kind of training room. It’s kind of like a really big arena. There are many stations for the different activities. Wrestling, sword fighting, karate, hunting. And many, many more. I notice a couple of other kids. But, they all look…extremely…dangerous. Except for a few. But, those are the extremely weak ones. Either way none of them look very friendly to me. We all kind of stand there. Looking at each other until a young man in his mid 20’s walks into the room. He looks a bit scary with bright red hair and big blue eyes but, other then that he looks kind.

“ Hello Ladies and Gentlemen! My name is Xavier. I will be your trainer today! “ Xavier announces in tone that is way to happy.

“ Well. Basically, this is how it works. You guys just walk around the training center and play around with the stations. Show off your hardest because it will determine where you will be placed according to skill level. I’ll be observing each of you and one time so just keep doing your best through the whole session! You’ll get the results tomorrow. Well…Begin! “ Suddenly, it seems to quick and I become nervous. What if I get into a whimpy group with all of there skinny nerdy boys? But, somehow the kind look on Xavier’s face makes me less nervous and I walk towards the first thing I know I will be good at. Wrestling. It may sound stupid. But, it’s something I was always good at. I wasn’t on the school wrestling team or anything but, sometimes I would fight at the town arena. Normally, nobody from school would be there. And that’s all I care about. The sweatpants and tanktops are perfect for wrestling so I just slip on a pair of wrestling gloves. Then I slide in a mouth guard. I look up and I’m startled to see a girl about 15. My age. I’m surprised I didn’t see her before because she wouldn’t be that hard to miss. She’s got bright red hair. So red really it takes a few minutes for my eyes to adjust. She’s got these intense blue eyes that follow my every move. Her teeth are occupied by a huge glob of gum and I wonder where she got it. We stand there for a minute. Me looking at her. Her looking right back. But, it’s pretty hard for me to take my eyes off her. She’s got this mean look but, for some reason I feel like she could be my friend.

“ We gonna wrestle or what? “ I’m startled by her voice. It’s deep but, not manly. I stare at her for a few minutes then nod.

“ What about your equipment? “ I ask as I get into my ready stance.

“ Equipment are for losers who are afraid of pain. I’m not afraid of pain. “ Then she lunges at me angrily. I’m surprised at the sudden start and she knocks me to the ground.

“ Hey. Look, my theory is right. You are a loser. “ I growl angrily pushing her off me.

“ Well, I don’t know where you come from. But, from where I come from we play properly. So, start over and do the countoff right. “ I snarl. She pauses then starts to count. 1.2.3.MATCH! She lunges forward again and this time I’m ready. I jump over her and I see the surprised look on her face. I’m a high jumper. She spins around and I charge into her stomach, knocking her to the ground. She pushes me off and get’s me into a headlock. I bring up my foot and kick her in the shin multiple times. Then I twist out of the deadly lock and jump onto her back.

“ He’s watching us. So don’t screw up, princess. “ She growls under her breath. I give a whispy breath not bothering to turn and look at Xavier. She throws me off and I land on the ground with a thump. She brings a knee into my stomach and I crawl under her legs.

“ You wear contacts, Princess? “ She grunts, spinning around and catching me by the ankles.

“ No. “ I lift myself up with my hands and ram my head into her stomach causing her to drop.

“ Your eyes are purple. “ I nod slightly. I’ve had purple eyes since I was born. That’s how I got my name. Violet. People always made fun of it. Or treated me like I was…special. I always tried to hide it with my jet black hair.

“ Tie? “ I ask after a while of throwing and punching. I can feel Xavier. His eyes still glued on us. The girl nods and I realize I don’t even know her name. Suddenly, we both stop fighting and stand up. I give her my hand and she ignores it.

“ Juliet. Juliet Summers. “ Then she walks away, her flaming hair bouncing of her sweaty shoulders.
Last edited by Lilybeans333 on Fri Apr 29, 2011 12:06 am, edited 2 times in total.
" You love me, Real or not real? "
" Real. "
~ The Hunger Games <3
  





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Fri Apr 22, 2011 4:44 pm
WrittenInStone says...



Wow, this was a really great read. I've just been minding my own business when suddenly I came across your piece of work and I loved it!

This character, Violet is really well described emotionally, but I don't really have an image for her. All I know is that she has purple eyes and is fourteen years old. Unless I missed something, but I don't normally have this problem, i also believe that this chapter was a bit rushed. It was like ... one minute she's a criminal the next she's being trained to fight and stuff? I'm honestly, very confused.

That's all I really have to say, but keep writting!
To fly away on gossamer wings, sheer as night's reflective glow, I would could I cradle child hecate to my breast.

|| Wisp. ||
  





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Fri Apr 22, 2011 5:16 pm
Lilybeans333 says...



Thanks Writteninstone! I mentioned that she has jet black hair in there. But, yeah I know what you saying. I'll keep your suggestions in mind! Thanks again!
" You love me, Real or not real? "
" Real. "
~ The Hunger Games <3
  





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Sat Apr 23, 2011 5:03 pm
Titan4ever says...



Hey Lilybean! I love your story so far. You really capture the way Violet feels, and describe her. I can't wait to read more!
:D
:)
;)

-Titan
-Titan4ever
"A day without sunshine is like, well, night."
  





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Wed Apr 27, 2011 6:24 pm
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BigDaddyDawg1899 says...



Hey Lily...I just read chapter 1 and I really like it! First off, let me get the nit picks out of the way. Im just gonna tell you your puctual and grammar errors, rather than tell you what to do to make it better. This is your story. Here it goes...

nicknames again, but now, I’ve <<<<<< I would put a period after again. and leave out the but, like this.....nicknames again. Now, I've.....

horrible, nasty, place in the world<<<<<<<<<<no comma after nasty.

“ Wha-? “The result, Is a fist slamming against <<<<< Move quotation marks to right after the ?, lose the comma and lower case i on is. Like so....."Wha-?" The result is a fist slamming
?
The salty taste of blood fills <<<<<<< I'm not really sure salty is a good word to describe blood. Maybe copper, or metallic? Just a thought =)

behind us but, don’t say anything. <<<<<< No comma needed here between but and don't

Then. I black out again.<<<<<<<<<<<< no period needed there

opened my eyes but, either way. It’s creepy.<<<<< Two ways you can say this. It should be opened my eyes. Either way its creepy. Or opened my eyes, but either way, its creepy.

But, you can call me V. This- “ Valdemar refers to the guy from earlier. <<<<This part is confusing, so maybe clear it up for future readers. EDIT: I got it now...Now spacing required here This whole paragraph may need rewritten.....“ I’m glad your awake, Violet. My name is Valdemar. But, you can call me V. This- “ Valdemar refers to the guy from earlier.

“ Is Ace. But, I believe you’ve already met him. Ace is my assistant. You must be pretty confused. But, don’t worry. They’re all confused when they first get here but, soon enough you’ll be fitting in. “ Who is they? Where am I? How’d I get here? Who are these people? What do they want from me? So many questions. I open my mouth and V shushes me quickly. I shrink back in my chair and fight the urge to roll my eyes.

^^^This should be corrected like this...."I'm glad you're (not your) awake Violet. My name is Valdemar. But you can call me V. Valdemar refers to the guy earier. "This is Ace. I believe you may already have met him."

You seem to put alot of commas in places where they dont need to be. There is more mistakes, but I dont want to nit pick anymore today. If you would like a full review, just ask me. Your creative thinking is top notch. Just take the advice people give you and learn from it. You are definately a great writer. Your imagination seems to run deep, and you test the waters with your writing. I will be waiting for chapter 2 so keep me posted! Keep up the good work Lily! Cheers!
  








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