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"Wreckage"



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Sun May 15, 2011 2:09 am
JaceClayton says...



“Wreckage”


Her deep, dark amethyst eyes flew open in shock, her slender frame aching with agony. She felt her breathing elevate, gasps spilling from her simple lips and filling her ears.

Elongating her fingers, she saw a gritty dried liquid all around her hands. Blood caked around her palms, creating a pattern that, to her, resembled inkblots a therapist would use to test one’s sanity. She wasn’t sure whether that connection was negative or positive.

To say it was a struggle to stand would be a severe understatement. But eventually, she got up from the ground. That’s when she took in the clarity of her surroundings.

Forestry splashed out before her, an emerald jungle of various trees that wove their way into her senses. The faint roar of the ocean could be heard in the distance, and it didn’t help calm the horrid possibilities that were going through her head when she wondered where she was.

Brushing off the dirt from her white sundress, she glanced down at her feet, and realized they were bare.

Suddenly, she heard a bush behind her rustle violently, interrupting the habitat of insects she was sure were infested along its base, its leaves rubbing together off key. Turning as she heard the noise, untamed black curls swayed as she moved.

A young, and as she took note, attractive man stumbled out into the clearing with her. His face was twisted in dismal fear and despair, but he was gorgeous. Breathtaking. He had apparent beauty lathered into every individual pore on his stunning façade. Concern reflected in his emerald irises, bold and crisp. He had short, straight black hair and wore a slightly torn and faded gray shirt, with stained blue jeans completing his outfit, along with a nice pair of Nikes she was sure he hadn't worn in a while.

When he spoke, his velvet voice ripped her from the dreamlike trance he seemed to emit.

“You alright?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I think so.”

He was staring at her, so she followed his gaze, which ended at her hands.

“You’re bleeding. Where?” he asked, worry laced between his words.

She felt a twinge at the back of her leg, causing her hands to probe the area. Her fingers slid across a rough scarlet patch of blood.

“My leg, but it’s stopped.”

“What’s your name?”

She opened her mouth automatically before her voice died on her tongue abruptly. Now that she actually thought about it, she couldn’t remember her name. She couldn’t remember how she got here. She couldn’t remember anything.

“I-I don’t know.”

He instantly sighed. “I was afraid of that.” When she just threw him a look filled with perplexment, he went on. “I can’t remember anything either.”

Their chances of not remembering anything was extremely odd. Then again, they didn’t know what had happened to them.

An ear splitting shriek tore through the still air. The two strangers shared a terrified look before taking off, following the scream to hopefully meet its owner.

She started running then, knowing the guy was trailing behind her, all the while her flowy dress wisped as she hopped and ran through the torrid jungle they had just recently been introduced to. She pushed pass one branch of a palm tree and sand was instantly felt on the soles of her feet, soothing the harsh feeling they started to hold.

The man behind her stumbled a little as he came out of the jungle with her. They glued their eyes to the same scene.

In the distance, drowning in the sapphire ocean, was an ocean liner. A ship. Their ship.

It roared and screamed as the ocean devoured it. With one last sufficient gulp, their ship was eaten by the relentless and unforgiving sea.

The cry for help was heard once more, shifting their focus from their lost ship and away from the cobalt water. They both ran across the beach to a blonde woman screaming on the ground. As they reached her, the guy kneeling down by her side, the girl with the purple irises looked in the brush of the jungle.

That’s when she saw it. A man. Standing there, watching them. He was dressed all in black, a suit of some sorts, but it wasn’t the kind of suit she’d expect to find in meetings. The guy beside the blonde woman broke her gaze.

“Did you hear me?”

Shaking her head, she looked back up.

The man was gone.

“No, what’d you say?”

“I said, she needs help.”

The woman’s hair was cut in a golden bob, and her recently manicured nails were already chipping from the strife they had yet to assess. She noticed that the woman’s arm was horribly twisted at an unnatural angle. It was dislocated, no doubt about it.

“Help me.” the woman said simply.

“Calm down. “ he said. “Do you remember you name?”

The woman winced in pain once more, before shaking her head. The man looked back at the young girl in the white dress.

“Imagine that.”

“You don’t remember anything?” she asked the woman, getting the same gesture that he had gotten from her.

“Something’s not right here.” she said, looking away from the woman and looking back out toward the ocean.

“Just hold her still. I think I know what to do.”

“You think?!” the woman screeched in protest.

He looked back to see the girl staring out at the ocean again, losing her mind in the waves. “Hey!” Turning around instantly, he told her to hold her in place. She knelt down in the sand beside the attractive man and held onto the blonde woman.

“Did you wake up on the beach?” he asked the blonde woman.

“Yes, but I don’t think that-”

And before she could finish her sentence, he grabbed her arm and pulled it upwards before twisting it back into place, causing the woman’s speech halt so she could utter more screams.

He gave the dark haired girl a look. “Hurts less if you don’t see it coming.”

“Are you a doctor?” the blonde woman asked.

“I wouldn’t know even if I were.” he quickly replied.

“You both can’t remember anything either?” They both shared an equally concerned look before the woman continued talking. “Where is everyone? Where’s the Captain? What happened?”

“We don’t know,” the man said. “But I’m going to go look for others in the jungle.” the young girl gave him a cautious and weary look, to which he gave her his winning smile “I’ll be quick. Stay with her.”

She nodded as she watched the attractive man sprint off into the unknown of the emerald greenery splashed out before them. She looked back out to see, to where the ship had gone down. What was going on? They couldn’t remember anything, not even their names. What had happened? There was so much uncertainty surrounding them that the girl thought she just might suffocate to death.

Just then, the blonde woman began to cry hysterically. The brunette put a sympathetic hand on the woman’s shoulder.

“Are you okay?”

She ignored the question, and gave one of her own. “Are we dead?”

The young girl with the amethyst eyes took a moment to ponder the woman’s question, finding the only place she could look was at the sea that had changed her life forever. She continued to look out toward the water as she answered her question.

“I hope so.”
Last edited by JaceClayton on Mon May 16, 2011 11:57 pm, edited 3 times in total.
  





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Sun May 15, 2011 6:25 am
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Snoink says...



Hi Jace! :D

So, I read your story and it's a bit interesting. I am unsure of why you used as many adjectives you did, or why you were particularly interested in gemstones. Really. Like, every other thing you described was a gemstone. Amethysts, emeralds, sapphires... it's a bit strange. Why the emphasis on gemstones?

Also, she can barely move at the beginning of the story, but as soon as she sees the hot guy, she's suddenly able to do everything? Um. It's a bit strange. Why does this happen, or does she get so sexed up that suddenly everything is possible? I mean, technically, it can happen, since the body's responses to sex are rather strange and whatever, but... well... it seems a bit odd.

Also, your descriptions of the two women are very confusing at the end. The young girl? How young is young? Is she seven or something like that? How come she is described as young?

Also, the ship burning in flames and whatever? It seems kind of unlikely that they wake up to see that. More than likely, the ship would probably have sunk by then, or just be a smouldering wreckage. Or something. It doesn't quite jive that they just coincidentally see the ship on fire or whatever. Also, how do they know that they were on that ship?

As far as this story goes, it seems a lot like Lost. Or maybe that's just my impression of Lost, that is. I don't know.

See if you can make your characters a little more interesting... and the way you can do that is introduce a flaw. The attractive man is perfect, the young girl magically is healed within seconds of seeing the attractive man, and the blond woman has broken nails. Okay. Expand on this.

Good luck with your story! :)
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D
  





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Mon May 16, 2011 1:13 am
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TEcho says...



Hey! I'm kinda new at this so work with me here haha. So i was reading your story and one thing that bothered me a little was that you were overly descriptive about things the audience didn't necessarily need to know. And at the end it kinda confused me, where did the young girl come from? And everything is moving a little fast it seems. Also the way you place your commas and your wording, i have to read it twice to get the meaning of it. Like in the beginning where you said you took note of the mans looks? That part frazzled me for a second. But all together it was really good! keep up the fawsome work!
-Taylor-
  





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Mon May 16, 2011 6:33 am
JaceClayton says...



Thank both of you for commenting! Snoink, yes, I do realize there is an over-emphasis on gemstone based coloring. However, this is for a specific reason which should become apparent after further reading. Also, the only real reason she was unable to move at the start was because of the trauma to her body. But hey, a little hot guy in the midst never hurt the nervous system getting started, eh? :]. The wreckage was in sight because it had literally happened minutes ago, and these select characters were lucky enough to wake almost right after the tragedy, and they assume that's why they are where they are because they actually can see it. And TEcho, I tend to ramble on when describing D: it's a flaw of mine haha. But I hope it was at least worded nicely. And with the man being attractive, I basically went on about that because she instantly feels connected to him, and therefore wants to look over the hot guy before her. Can't say I blame her :D. Thanks again for the advice and comments! Much appreciated!

-Jace
You give me fever,
When you kiss me,
Fever when you hold me tight.
Fever, In the morning.
And fever all through the night.

Fever, 'Till you sizzle.
What a lovely way to burn.
What a lovely way to burn.
What a lovely way to burn.
What a lovely way to burn.
  





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Wed May 18, 2011 7:44 am
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Snoink says...



Well, you should add more gemstones then! There are more gemstones than those. :) And it'll be interesting to see what you do with that.

I think, with all the trauma done to her body, that she would probably not be moving as well as she is, even with the stimulus of the hot guy, lol. Obviously, I am not going to do an experiment to see how worn out she would be (that would be painful!) but you might tweak a little bit. Right now, their beginning scene together is a bit too reminiscent of bad romance novels I've read. XD

As far as the description being worded nicely? Sometimes it was, but other times, it almost seemed overly described. The descriptions of the guy, especially, are descriptions that seem more apt to soppy romance novels than with action and adventure novels. I don't know... with action and adventure novels, I think a quicker pace may be needed more than not. :)

Also, I have a feeling that they aren't actually part of the wreckage. The fact that there is a ship sinking is probably coincidental... a red herring, as it were. ;)

Anyway! It'll be interesting to see how this develops, definitely. :)
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D
  





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Points: 1385
Reviews: 4
Thu May 19, 2011 4:20 am
JaceClayton says...



Haha, I only described the gemstones that are worth mentioning, meaning the ones that actually are going to be relevant. However, I might take you up on the advice and add some more, just to equal thing out :]. Her body not being as tramatized is for a reason as well. Not a very important one, really, just that, yes, normally she would have a lot more trouble. But this isn't a normal crash, as it will be evident much much later :]. Thank you so much for the feedback, I really do take all of it in and listen to what everyone has to say. After all, I post so I can get advice :D. Oh, and yeah, I'm kind of a sappy romantic and I tend to let that drip onto the pages, regardless of genre. Or rather, onto the screen XD. Thanks again!
You give me fever,
When you kiss me,
Fever when you hold me tight.
Fever, In the morning.
And fever all through the night.

Fever, 'Till you sizzle.
What a lovely way to burn.
What a lovely way to burn.
What a lovely way to burn.
What a lovely way to burn.
  





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Gender: Female
Points: 1010
Reviews: 35
Sun May 29, 2011 3:18 pm
wolfgirl13 says...



So hi I read this and I though wow. But I have one main problem. I hate the use of the word suddenly. I just can't stand that word. You have a great writing style and I am in love with your characters. I actually felt like I was there witnessing it all. But when you said
Suddenly, she heard a bush behind her rustle violently,
I died inside. I think for someone as obviously talented in writing as you 'suddenly' sounds a bit off. You could possible have put
Her keen ears picked up on a slight sound, the bush behind her rustled violently,
just so you're not using suddenly. It sounds so nit-picky and harsh, it's only my point of view. The rest of your chapter is fantastic though!
-Wolfie
  





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Fri Jun 17, 2011 11:08 pm
spiderman says...



I like this piece and want to see more. Yes, it was overly descriptive at one point but it was great at others. I agree with wolfgirl13 about suddenly. It's not that I hate the use of the word. It just sounds awkward there. I got confused with the two girls at the end and had to read the whole thing over. I don't know what it is about it, but I like your style. it's almost like a movie where I can really see it happening.
Despite the lies that you're making
Your love is mine for the taking
My love is just waiting
To clothe you in crimson roses

WHISPERS IN THE DARK LYRICS - SKILLET
  








Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes but when you look back, everything's different?
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