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Lies That Kill



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Mon May 16, 2011 6:26 am
DigiDestined18 says...



*Note* I'd like to point out that I'm new here and figured I'd post it here because I am planning to make it more adventurous and packed with action. Thanks and let me know what you guys think! :) *



The Lies that Kill
Chapter One



It was a dark and stormy night when Detective Jeremiah Von Breakheart was entering the police station with a cigarette hanging from the side of his mouth. His brisk walk was always non chalant and was always full of confidence. Upon entering the police station where he was greeted by fellow officers and detectives, he was also greeted by Captain Mason James Darien.

“Hey Captain. Can I help you with something?” He inquired while putting his cigarette out in the skull like ashtray.

“Actually, you can” he replied. “I’ve been getting reports that you’ve been inconsiderate to the fellow detectives and have had a few rough conversations with them. Is this accurate or are they prevaricating?”

There was a moment of silence.

“Yes sir, It’s all true” Jeremiah said. “I’ve been a discourteous cop and ought to give up my badge because I’m a bad, bad cop that deserves to get punished.”

“I’ll accept that as your resignation.” Mason said. “I’ll also make sure that you’ll never work as a Detective in this town again. “Gun and badge please” he said extended his hand out.

“Captain, you’re not serious are you?” Jeremiah questioned.

“Indeed, I am. I do not want anyone in my department disrespecting each other. That, in my eyes, calls for immediate dismissal of position” Mason replied with a stern look and tone.

There was a few moments of hesitation and Jeremiah sighed.

“Alright. I’ll give it up. But know this, you fat ass. I will get you back in so many ways that you wished that you never fired me. You also want to know something? You’re a piece of shit that deserves to get fired and feel the sting of loneliness.” He said handing his badge and police issued gun.

“Thank you” Mason said. “Perhaps this will teach you and I would be careful on who you threaten because I don’t take threats lightly. I could have your ass thrown into the jail for threatening me you twat.” He finished getting closer to him.

“Jennifer, please escort this...individual out of the police station and make sure he’s nowhere near the premises. If he isn’t arrest him for stalking” He said to Jennifer who was blonde, tall, and had a mean attitude.

“Yes Captain” She said grabbing Jeremiahs arm and heading to the outside of the building and a block away from the Police Station.

“That fucker will get what is coming to him. I’ll make sure of that.” Jeremiah spat.

“Is that a threat I heard?” She asked.

“Yes honey and unfortunately you cant do anything about it because It counts as Free Speech.

“Damn. You’re right but I can arrest you if come near this building at all” She said uncuffing him and letting him go. Don’t make me see you around the station again.” she finished and let him go.

Jeremiah walked off into the cold night and walked towards Fifth street and Marley street. He took a left on Marley street and walked while smoking a cigarette. He began to get hungry and didn’t have any money on him currently. He would ask a friend but the only friend that he had fired him for some stupid reason.

“Why me?” Jeremiah said with a sigh while walking.

He stopped abruptly when he had heard someone scream. His adrenaline kicked in and followed where the deathly scream was coming from. He turned into a dark and narrow hallway where he was greeted by a person stabbing the woman in the chest with a butchers knife.

Jeremiah drew is gun that he had as a backup and pointed at the suspect.

“Drop your weapon!” he shouted. “Do it!”

“You’re not going to shoot me” the masked killer said tossing the corpse on the bags then turning to face Jeremiah.

“Wanna bet?” Jeremiah rebutted.

“Yeah, I do” He said. “I know you got fired from the Police Station.

Jeremiah was stunned as to how someone could know this. It didn’t happen but ten minutes ago.

“How do you know that?” Jeremiah asked.

“I know a lot of things....Jeremiah” he said with a sinister voice.

“Such as..?”

“ I know that you’re bisexual but don’t want to admit it. I know you have a crappy job working at a all night store where you only get paid $7.44 an hour.

There was a few moments of silence.

“How do you..” he couldn’t finish his own sentence due to the shock that he in.

“I told you, I know a lot of things...” he said looking at his watch. “well, time for me to go and find the next victim...I’d be saying your farewells to the ones that’s closest to you...they just may be next.

The man threw a smoke bomb, blinding Jeremiah’s sight and ran away. After a few minutes when the smoke cleared, he turned over the body and saw that it was his friend Ashli laying with her hair back and blood spewing out of her throat. He panicked and ran away with eyes full of tears. He wondered who the masked man was that killed Ashli. How did he know secrets that were not told by anyone else? This made his night full of anguish and hatred.

He finally arrived to his small, roach infested apartment and laid down on the couch and drifted off into a sleep within minutes.



Chapter 2

Jeremiah woke up that afternoon after having a nightmare that he thought was real. His face was covered with sweat and so was his back. It felt like he dove into a giant pond or a lake of some sorts. He took of his shirt revealing his muscles and his slim figure. He walked around his apartment for a few shirtless then decided to take a shower. He sluggishly walked to his bedroom grabbing a pair of underwear and a towel and started heading to the bathroom when he had a visitor knocking on the door.

“who’s there” he shouted.

“Detective Van Buren of the New York Police” the detective said.

“Damn” he whispered. Jeremiah wanted to know if this was the accident that occurred last night or if it was a previous accident.

“I’m coming. Getting dressed.” shouted Jeremiah.

After a few moments of getting dressed, Jeremiah waltzed to the door and swung open the door where he was met by a tall, thin, black man who’s head was more bald then Mr.Cleans. It sparkled with a glistening light almost blinding him.

“what can I help you with Detective? Jeremiah asked.

“There was a murder of Ashli Marie Rayne Polly. I remember you and her were friends in school.

“Yeah, that’s right. We hung out a few times and that we smoked a little bit of pot together. But that was during school nights, which was about fifteen years ago” he lied.

“Hmmm” the detective said. “Well, if you hear anything... Anything at all, please give me a call. here’s my card.”

“Yeah, sure, No problem” he said grabbing the small card with his precinct number to be reached.

The detective turned his back on Jeremiah and headed down the exit and out of the building. It seems that Jeremiah was right when he presumed that the Detective was there for that sole purpose. He didn’t want to get blamed for the death of his friends and didn’t want to become someone’s bitch in jail or in prison. Jeremiah shut the door and resumed what he was doing. He trotted off into the bathroom with a white towel, blue pair of boxer briefs and pants then undressed and stepped into the shower. He then turned on the warm water and let the warm water hit him in his face. He thought the shower was amazing especially after the night that he had. It seemed to take away all of his struggles and worries for the time being. After ten minutes of showering, he turned off the warm water and grabbed his towel to dry off. He proceeded to put on his underwear when he saw a shadowy figure zoom past him in the mirror. Jeremiah quickly put on his pants and shirt and walked out into the hallway and looked left first then right. He again, saw the shadowy figure.

“who’s there?” he asked walking a bit closer.

The shadowy figure giggled. Then zoomed into the kitchen where Jeremiah ran into.

“I’m going to ask again...Who are you?” he said louder this time.

“I am a friend” the figure replied. “Who are you?”

“Friend of who’s?”

She then giggled again.

“Yours silly. Don’t you remember all those fun times that we shared?” the figured replied again with a half cracked smile.

“A-A-A-Ashli?” stuttered Jeremiah .

She nodded.

“You know, You really ought to start telling the truth” she said twirling her hair. “It’s a shame that someone has to die all because your stupid ass self won’t tell the truth.

“You don’t understand what I have to endure every minute of every second” Jeremiah said vehemently.

“Oh?” she said. “Tell me how I could never understand what it’s like to be different from the world.”

“You know what I mean” he said. “I just can’t tell anyone just yet. It’s a matter that I have control of. No one else does.”

She sighed.

“Well, I guess he will have to kill again” she said fading to the blackness.

Jeremiah was puzzled, stunned, and any other words that described at how he was talking to a ghost. Could It have been her? Could Jeremiah be going crazy? He didn’t know what to believe. He was so conflicted with everything that’s going on lately that he didn’t have any one to turn to.

Despite have being plagued with bad luck and the fact that he was talking to a ghost, he tried to walk everything off as if nothing had happened at all. He grabbed his coat and his cigars and started to head out when he forgot his lighter. He walked back in and grabbed his lighter that was laying carelessly on the wooden table that Jeremiah’s dad got him before he died of a heart attack late last year. Jeremiah didn’t like his dad all that much. In fact, he hated him. His dad would hit on his mom until she’d pass out from being hit so much. There was more times then Jeremiah could count where the police had to arrive and diffuse the situation. Unfortunately, Jeremiah’s Dad, Roger, couldn’t be a civilized person and a non husband beater. Stepping back outside of his dirty and unfit place for a kid apartment, he descended the spiral stairs before heading on the sidewalk. He lit him a cigarette and walked for a good mile before stopping at the bar that he usually went to. Generally, it was with his Captain but he was too busy being a douchebag and putting work ahead of his friends. He wondered what happened to the fun loving friend that he saw and became friends back years ago? Could it be because he’s middle aged, no wife, no family that’s living that he doesn’t want to have fun and that this job he still has is the only thing keeping him going? Whatever it was, it killed their friendship and their respect.

He walked in the bar and was greeted by Pete Walker. The five foot eleven inches bearded man was a friendly men when he wasn’t busy drinking the inventory. Jeremiah sat down and asked Pete for a scotch.

“Scotch eh” He said. “Have a bad week?”

“Oh yeah.” replied Jeremiah. “Get fired from the Police Station, I”m seeing shit and I’m close of having no where to live. I’m behind on my rent and I don’t have any food in the refrigerator. I blew all my money all booze so it numbs the feelings that I have to feel until another day.”

Pete nodded and was thinking while washing out a cup then pouring two cubes of ice and some scotch.

“I hear you man. I think everyone has some type of problem but it is up to them to solve it” Pete coolly said but had a hint of wisdom in his voice.

“But what if that person can’t reprimand his or her errors and secrets? What does that person do?”

Pete saw through his sentence and smirked a little bit.

“Well, if he or she can’t see errors of her ways and secrets that one has then that person has to become brave and let the world know the secret that he or she has been holding in for long time”

“But..” he started to say but paused momentarily to rethink what was said. He was going to say what he was holding that only his friend, now ex-friend, Tommy knew and admitted to him. He regretted that day where he urged him to tell people but couldn’t because he was simply afraid. That’s what it boiled down to. He remembered Tommy’s words that seem to sting at his very core. He remembered what he wore. That black velvet suit with a red tie and his hair combed back...

“You’ll fail in life because you can’t tell the truth. It will swallow you whole. Until you tell everyone that we know then you will be plagued by an unfriendly or friendly presence. You’re putting your friends at stake and your family..” Tommy said with a dark tone.

“Fuck you” Jeremiah retorted. “You know nothing of what’s going to happen to me and my future. You’re just a sack of shit that’s gay and will burn in hell. I will be waiting for your faggot ass”.

Tommy laughed.

“We’ll see about that when you...” his voice trailed off. “I don’t want to spoil it. Then there’s not a fuck you ending. I will tell you this..You will lose something very important to you.”

“Fuck you and have a terrible and miserable life without me!” Screamed Jeremiah.

Tommy smiled and then walked away from Jeremiah with his head high.

Jeremiah snapped back to reality and realized that it was time to go and try to scare the stress off.

“Hey put that on my tab will you Pete?”

“This will be the last time. I have to collect everything that you put on your tab. When are you getting your last check from your last job?” he asked.

“Next week. Then I have to find another job. Let’s hope this check will be a decent amount.”

Pete nodded and went back to what he was doing. Jeremiah reached for his keys and was running into things. Good thing he walked because if he took his car then he would have a one way ticket to the emergency room.

After twenty minutes of walking and finally sobering up some to walk correctly, he finally reached his damnable apartment and laid down and drifted off to a deep sleep that didn’t last long...
"Watching a peaceful death of a human being reminds us of a falling star; one of a million lights in a vast sky that flares up for a brief moment only to disappear into the endless night forever"- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
  





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Mon May 16, 2011 5:33 pm
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Shindig says...



Hey, welcome to YWS! Well, if you measure experience by how often one is online on the site, then I guess I'm still a novice too :D Anyway, review time. This time I think I'll review as I read along, so you know what I'm thinking, and so that you can check if it's consistent with what you want or expect your readers to think.

-----

Chapter 1:

It was a dark and stormy night when Detective Jeremiah Von Breakheart was entering the police station with a cigarette hanging from the side of his mouth. His brisk walk was always non chalant and was always full of confidence. Upon entering the police station where he was greeted by fellow officers and detectives, he was also greeted by Captain Mason James Darien.


It started off well, I mean you didn't lose my interest. However, I do suggest playing around with that first line, in order to avoid the "dark and stormy night" cliche.

“Hey Captain. Can I help you with something?” He inquired while putting his cigarette out in the skull like ashtray.


I like the hint of characterization here with Mason's ashtray... makes me feel like he's not a good guy, or at least cannot be fully trusted. Also, the way Jeremiah addresses his Captian makes me think that they're either good friends or he doesn't fully respect authority. It's an informative paragraph, nice.

“Yes sir, It’s all true” Jeremiah said. “I’ve been a discourteous cop and ought to give up my badge because I’m a bad, bad cop that deserves to get punished.”


Again, the fact that Jeremiah can joke around with Mason like this makes me think they're good friends. However, I feel like the line "I'm a bad, bad cop that deserves to get punished" sounds like foreplay between a wife and her husband hahaha. Consider changing it to something as simple as "You're not gonna fire me for reprimanding my subordinates are you?" or something. But I know that you wrote it in that way because you didn't want him to be "fired", so it's up to you, of course.

“Alright. I’ll give it up. But know this, you fat ass. I will get you back in so many ways that you wished that you never fired me. You also want to know something? You’re a piece of shit that deserves to get fired and feel the sting of loneliness.” He said handing his badge and police issued gun.

“Thank you” Mason said. “Perhaps this will teach you and I would be careful on who you threaten because I don’t take threats lightly. I could have your ass thrown into the jail for threatening me you twat.” He finished getting closer to him.


I felt like the name-calling was unprofessional and unnecessary. It only seemed to take away from from the seriousness of the situation. Personally, I like using curse words in my stories, like you did a couple of times later :D but usually I don't use it to insult another character, more as a slip of the tongue kind of thing. It can help characterize and it does effect the mood of the situation too, so yeah. That's just me, though!

“Jennifer, please escort this...individual out of the police station and make sure he’s nowhere near the premises. If he isn’t arrest him for stalking” He said to Jennifer who was blonde, tall, and had a mean attitude.


Maybe you could show that Jennifer was tall, by having Jeremiah compare his height to her when he approached her, and you could also show that she had a mean attitude through dialogue instead.

Jeremiah walked off into the cold night and walked towards Fifth street and Marley street. He took a left on Marley street and walked while smoking a cigarette. He began to get hungry and didn’t have any money on him currently. He would ask a friend but the only friend that he had fired him for some stupid reason.


I thought it was a stormy night? I mean, I guess it could be stormy and cold, but saying "cold night" makes me visualize a relatively quiet, clear, and windy street. Also, I'm not sure if Mason was ever a friend at all, especially after their little exchange. Maybe Mason was "the closest thing to a friend he'd had"?

The man threw a smoke bomb, blinding Jeremiah’s sight and ran away. After a few minutes when the smoke cleared, he turned over the body and saw that it was his friend Ashli laying with her hair back and blood spewing out of her throat. He panicked and ran away with eyes full of tears. He wondered who the masked man was that killed Ashli. How did he know secrets that were not told by anyone else? This made his night full of anguish and hatred.

He finally arrived to his small, roach infested apartment and laid down on the couch and drifted off into a sleep within minutes.


Several thoughts about these paragraphs: As an experienced detective, I don't think Jeremiah would simply run away, as he did here. Wouldn't he at least call the cops? Also, I wish we'd known about Ashli before she'd been killed, if even she was mentioned in a sentence, because I don't seem to care that she'd died, since I never really knew how close a friend she was to Jeremiah. She just seems like a random victim to me.

For example, and this is just something to consider, after Jeremiah had been discharged, you could have had him talk to Ashli via a payphone, where we are introduced to her (maybe she could have been a girlfriend, or something, I dunno). Then, while on his way home, Jeremiah could tell us a little about her, and how, despite losing his job, at least he'd be able to come home to Ashli, etc. And finally, upon arriving home, he would see her being murdered. This way, the reader could share in Jeremiah's pain a little more.

Another thing I thought was, how was it that Jeremiah had "drifted off into a sleep within minutes" so soon after a close friend had been killed? If I were him, I don't think I'd get any sleep at all that night. So yeah, I felt like this scene was really rushed :S

-----

Chapter 2:

Jeremiah woke up that afternoon after having a nightmare that he thought was real.


For some reason, I thought this whole paragraph was describing Jeremiah's dream. Probably just me... But I just want to remind you that dreams are a great tool for implementing literary devices. I also found myself intrigued by the thought that he'd had a nightmare. Maybe you could describe what he'd seen :D

After a few moments of getting dressed, Jeremiah waltzed to the door and swung open the door where he was met by a tall, thin, black man who’s head was more bald then Mr.Cleans. It sparkled with a glistening light almost blinding him.


Can Jeremiah really "waltz" to the door? I'd think he'd still be distressed over his friend's death! Maybe he "trudged" to the door. Also, is there really a level of baldness that exceeds Mr. Clean's? =P The description of the man, especially with his head glistening with a blinding light, made me laugh under my breath. If that's not what you intended, then consider changing it =P

"There was a murder of Ashli Marie Rayne Polly. I remember you and her were friends in school.

“Yeah, that’s right. We hung out a few times and that we smoked a little bit of pot together. But that was during school nights, which was about fifteen years ago” he lied.

“Hmmm” the detective said. “Well, if you hear anything... Anything at all, please give me a call. here’s my card.”

“Yeah, sure, No problem” he said grabbing the small card with his precinct number to be reached.


If I was the detective, I'd make a mental note of Jeremiah's reaction to the news of his friend's death. I mean, it's kind of suspicious that he didn't even seem to flinch at the news that his long time friend has been murdered! Then again, maybe you've already accounted for this in the future of your plot.

The detective turned his back on Jeremiah and headed down the exit and out of the building. It seems that Jeremiah was right when he presumed that the Detective was there for that sole purpose. He didn’t want to get blamed for the death of his friends and didn’t want to become someone’s bitch in jail or in prison. Jeremiah shut the door and resumed what he was doing. He trotted off into the bathroom with a white towel, blue pair of boxer briefs and pants then undressed and stepped into the shower. He then turned on the warm water and let the warm water hit him in his face. He thought the shower was amazing especially after the night that he had. It seemed to take away all of his struggles and worries for the time being. After ten minutes of showering, he turned off the warm water and grabbed his towel to dry off. He proceeded to put on his underwear when he saw a shadowy figure zoom past him in the mirror. Jeremiah quickly put on his pants and shirt and walked out into the hallway and looked left first then right. He again, saw the shadowy figure.



Honestly, I did not want to read this paragraph lol. Consider breaking it up into smaller ones. Also, watch your verbs, and make sure that they fit the context of the situation. I don't think "trotted off" is good to use here, because it makes it seem like he's totally forgotten about last night. I imagine that everything he does from now and for the next few chapters has got to be heavy and full of anguish. In fact, when he says that the warm water "seemed to take away all of his struggles and worries", it made me think... "you don't seem like you're struggling or worried at all".

Speaking of warm water, I feel like you used it too many times in this paragraph; avoid redundancy.


“I am a friend” the figure replied. “Who are you?”

“Friend of who’s?”

She then giggled again.

“Yours silly. Don’t you remember all those fun times that we shared?” the figured replied again with a half cracked smile.

“A-A-A-Ashli?” stuttered Jeremiah .

She nodded.


Alright, I'd like to remind you that I've been reviewing as I read along. I'm saying this because I didn't expect you to have Ashli's ghost appear in your story. It's a nice twist. =P

This scene is also a good time to make Ashli convince Jeremiah that she's in a better place now, so that he can be less troubled in the future of the story (so her death would have less of an effect on the way you describe Jeremiah's actions, etc).

He walked back in and grabbed his lighter that was laying carelessly on the wooden table that Jeremiah’s dad got him before he died of a heart attack late last year


That's a long sentence, and there's a lot of information in it. First, it's the lighter that Jeremiah's dad had given him right? For a second I thought that he was referring to the table... but then I thought, that's not very interesting...? You can also have Jeremiah slowly describe and explain the lighter (that is, if it's really an important item at all. I mean, it can be a useful tool for symbolism..?), in order to help break up the sentence.

And, yeah, this paragraph really turned me off too. You could try breaking it up.

I'm starting to accept that Mason and Jeremiah were good friends at some point. That's a good thing. The reason I didn't before is because there wasn't much evidence of them being friends at all. I'm glad you're starting to divulge some of Jeremiah's thoughts about their friendship here.

“You’ll fail in life because you can’t tell the truth.


I really liked this line because it was reminiscent of the title. The connection also provided a bit of potential foreshadowing. Nice.

After twenty minutes of walking and finally sobering up some to walk correctly, he finally reached his damnable apartment and laid down and drifted off to a deep sleep that didn’t last long...


I think you should break up that last sentence. I think saying "But it didn't last long..." in a separate sentence would more effectively keep the readers on their toes, I think.

-----

Overall, I thought this was an interesting read. I didn't go over your grammatical errors (there were a few), because I always find myself more concerned about the content - unless I see some glaring errors or typos that need to be addressed.

But yeah, good job, enjoyed the air of mystery, and I feel like this story has a lot of potential.

Later,

~a2sd
  





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Mon May 16, 2011 6:49 pm
DigiDestined18 says...



Let me just say that was alot for you to comment on lol.

I'll be a bit honest with you. I was a bit tired when writing some of this and trying to remember what had happened between Jeremiah, myself, and mason. I thank you for taking the time to read all of it and giving a precise and meaningful step by step thoughts that you explained very well.

As far as Jeremiah addressing Mason, they are good friends. He really doesn't uphold to authority since I known them. Lmao, The paragraph with him sounding like a foreplay, was merely for humor. Jeremiah has a playful personality but as well as being a dick. As long as I known Jeremiah and regret that I did, He would say something along those lines which made me think of it.

I like to point out thought that there's no significance meaning to the lighter Jeremiah had. I am primarily basing it off what happen realistically with some fiction to it. I could have maybe made Jeremiah called Ashli and talked to her hours before her demise but that's not what I wanted. Ashley(Ashli) Doesn't believe in heaven nor hell. She's atheist and intend to keep it like that.

Wondering why I didn't have Jeremiah call the cops was because he would be the primary suspect and his friend..now ex-friend, wouldn't believe him and have him detained until further notice.

As far as the sleeping issue, Jeremiah as a Detective, has to stay up late at night and gets hardly any sleep. I should have included that he works long and tiring hours but failed to do so apparently.

There is such a thing cleaner than Mr.Clean's head! Haha, I have to have some humor to keep things interesting with light humor but with more of a serious tone. That's what I intended! ;)


I may go back and revise somethings but am a lazy person and have it addressed to a later chapter. I will being doing more foreshadowing and more guessing. If you didn't notice, I put myself in it (Name's Tommy)...I have a great ending for everything....Then I shall retire from writing..maybe (probably not)


Don't worry, there will be more murders. I'm thinking of someone who Jeremiah had a strong relationship with but I'm contemplating on doing this.

But thanks for taking the time to read this :)
"Watching a peaceful death of a human being reminds us of a falling star; one of a million lights in a vast sky that flares up for a brief moment only to disappear into the endless night forever"- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
  





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Tue May 17, 2011 12:31 am
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captain.classy says...



Hi there!

This was good. It contained interesting things that caught my attention from the start, and kept it right until the bar scene. I think this is because you started it with a really dramatic fight, went to a murder, then a ghost appearing, and then to him forgetting his lighter, going to bar and having a flash-back, I believe? I didn't really understand that part much. One moment he's talking to Pete and the next his friend. You should make it clearer.

So my main problem with this is that I think you wrote the first part, and then started the next and decided to change things, forgetting to go back and change the first half. I get this feeling for a couple of reasons.

1. In their fight, the 'friends' show no sign of friendship or knowing each other at all. You should add something in there. Also a little thing about this scene, the lady cop, you say she has an attitude but when it comes down to it shows no sign of a back-bone at all. When your MC corrects her, she goes "you're right." That doesn't seem like an attitude at all. So when you 'tell' us about a character, don't forget to 'show' that part of their personality, also.

2. When the murder happens, the murder says he works at a gas station or something? He works at a police station. If he works two jobs, you should say so. But then you also say in your response to that reviewer that he works odd hours which is why he never sleeps. When exactly does he have time to go work at this all-night station? Also, cops get paid quite a bit.

Anyways, I think you should elaborate more on your characters before you start the plot this much. At least give us some insight into what he did wrong before firing him. Then give us a little bit of Ashli's character before killing her. You say that you want to kill someone close to your MC, but you said they were friends, so elaborate on that, not in a review on my review but in your story. When reviewers point things out they do it to help you, so try to consider what we're saying. ;)

I think this is good, and look forward to seeing what you can do with it. ^^

Classy
  





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Wed May 18, 2011 3:23 am
DigiDestined18 says...



Lol

I thank you for reading it and giving a review of it.

I know that cops get paid alot but in this economy, they're not the highest gross paying job. So, I try to make it where Jeremiah Von Break Heart doesn't have enough money to cover his utlities. Bear in mind that I'm basing this off a friendship that I used to have. I'm trying to stick to things that I can clearly remember. you're right when I need to elaborate but I don't feel the need to just quite yet. I will have everything cleared up within the next few chapters.


If you and everyone can hang in then everything makes sense...At least..I hope.. lol

Thanks for reviewing :)
"Watching a peaceful death of a human being reminds us of a falling star; one of a million lights in a vast sky that flares up for a brief moment only to disappear into the endless night forever"- Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
  








Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything, it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing.
— Sylvia Plath