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New Worlds: Book 1, Noel(Chapter 3+4)



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Thu May 19, 2011 12:21 pm
Ritehunter says...



Spoiler! :
This is the next chapters...
sorry if it is long but I got to catch up because by when I joined I am already on the 7th chapter
feel free to do any micro comments, brutal reviews, detailed reviews, etc.
I do my best any way
P.S. I edited the these chapters because my level of writing has improved since then anyway I am just trying to get rid of any of the rejectable parts


***********************Noel’s Training***************************
These last, five months were nice. I already knew the townies, I live here, as a temporary house, until I can get out and I earn money by helping the townsfolk with thier requests.

Unfortunately, I cannot defend myself or arm myself with any weapon here. I did not bring any. I tried learning and taking numerous classes but I usually did many mistakes.Like in the swordsman class, I accidentally threw the sword to the trainers shoulder

Giving up I went to the museum to relax. Sitting on the bench, there was a weapon on display, a weapon with simplicity and yet how it works is so complex. I saw the museum director so I asked how much for one.

“Well, it would not cost much. I was thinking along the lines of ten gold pieces each.”

“Why is it ten gold pieces each?”
“Well lots of people see these things amost other strange thing around Angling Cliff. And besides, it is useless.”

Angling Cliff is at the north side of Histon, west to the King Darius’ Castle and southwest from Sarron Port.
Angling Cliff is a strange place indeed; the cliff ends with a huge gap, the only way you can cross is through Histon.

The payment to the museum director was finished and then ran to my house

The next morning, the two newly acquired ten-round, double-action, semi-automatic revolvers on top of the side table were in my hands, and then I ran outside. The problem now is getting the bullets for it and not having it run out. I ran to Jovern, a resident mage, to enchant my gun.

“I do not understand this, thing. Please give me some time to study this because we cannot enchant an item unless we know how it works.”

I waited,but he occasionally asks questions like

“How can this even inflict damage?”

“I understand that this thing needs something called “bullets” right. However, how do these bullets work?”

Even though my patience was running thin, I answered all of his questions until he said,“Why don’t you make one for me to study?”

I went out. I knew how bullets work and how they are made because I worked in a bullet factory. What I needed was saltpeter, charcoal, and sulfur.

I got all of those in the pharmacy then I grinded it into powder then I asked Tanrin, the blacksmith, to create a casing for the powder preferably cylinder in shape and a small, pointed object made of lead that can fit inside the case perfectly.

He was able to do so in a couple of hours. I poured the gunpowder into the case after I put the primer I made in the small hole then I put the head into place. I gave the bullet to Jovern he studied it then asked me a couple of questions after which, he went back and after a few minutes, he had finished enchanting my two guns.

This kind of reminds me of the time I won the B&U, the factory I work in, lotto. The lotto jackpot prize is a day off from work to the firing range. I won a few times. It does not seem like much but it was one of the only times we can get a vacation from work. My usual weapons of choice were M16, MP40 and 50 cal. Rifles.

I ran out to the field with my two revolvers and a box of bottles, I have lying around my house, then I placed the bottles on top of rocks, grass, and branches and I practiced here until dawn constantly replacing the bottles. Moreover, on my way back to town…


Spoiler! :
You like clicking spoilers, don't you?
(me too)


**********************The Mysterious Dr.Galloway********************
I saw a zombie, I shot him in the head then he fell dead but I never saw a zombie near Histon before. Not minding the zombie, I kept walking toward Histon then I found another zombie and another. I kept on seeing zombies and killing them on the way to Histon.

Once I was at least 100 feet from town, I saw a vast multitude of zombie trying to get into town, I did not want them to destroy the town so I ran towards town shooting the zombies dead, in the head, with bullets made of lead.enough said.

In town, I ran into Jovern who was busy casting spells at the zombies, I kow that cannot disturb him but I really needed him to do a favor so I helped him get rid of the zombies.

After that was finished, I asked Jovern to add some sort of element changer to my two guns. He did so in a hurry and told me that to change the element just think of it then tap the piece of wood.

After that, he ran toward another wave of zombies. I looked at the element changer, It was a triangular piece of wood with a greyish tinge and the word lead on it. I changed my gun’s element to holy and shot the zombies again.

Once all the zombies were gone, Friedell, the town informant ran to me and said
“Quite a huge wave we have this month, huh.”

“What are you talking about? This is the first time I seen this happen!”

“Oh! Therefore, you do not know what is going on, correct. Therefore, I will tell you. It all happened like this, Dr.Galloway was a well-respected scientist, he came to town every day until that faithful day he said he created a machine that will make anyone tireless after that day we never saw him again and zombies and werewolves and vampires and ghosts plaque the town each month, coming from the huge mansion down south. And that is how this whole mess started.”

“Why was I never informed of this?”

“Well, you see, we thought that you knew about it.”

“Has anyone tried to attack the manor and stop the invasions?”

“Yes. In addition, all of them died trying. We all saw them get killed at the front yard.”

“Well, I am going to stop it.”

“Are you joking? Flicking a toothpick is slower than you killed in the manor premises! No one has ever gone past the front yard!”

“Then I will be the first.”

“Well, good luck. I will arrange your funeral.”

I went to the pharmacy the following morning; it seems everyone has heard of my plan. The cashier, along with the rest of the townies, said I would die ...
  





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Fri May 27, 2011 5:07 am
GryphonFledgling says...



Back again!

Whoop, we're back to the center alignment again. For realzies, it's hard to read. Strongly suggest that being left-aligned, I do.

Wait, wha? We just skipped five months?! No telling us how he adapted, how he managed to survive all this time? No telling us how he felt about being completely stranded from everything he'd ever known before this? I'm not buying it. We need some sort of emotional connection with this character and it's all being skipped over!

This seriously threw me out of the story. I mean, I want to care about this character, I really do. But it's all going by so quickly and I'm not getting a moment to get to know him. Does he have any friends now? How does he interact with them? Why does he need a weapon? Is he afraid? Determined? Excited? Is this normal for him? Or is it all completely new and he has to adjust?

We need this sort of information. You can have the most exciting happenings in the world, but if we don't care about the character, we don't care about the story. It doesn't hook us, doesn't matter to us. It's just a lot of words that we don't want to read because we don't care about any of the people involved.

Slooooow down. Take it one step at a time. Develop your character. Give him some personality, as opposed to simply being a vehicle to drive the story forward. Flesh him out. Let us get to know him!

As always, feel free to send me a PM or drop by my wall if you have any questions.

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.
  








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