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Young Writers Society


Chapter two- Tainted Perfection



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Fri May 27, 2011 10:30 pm
VousEsEtonnant says...



Standing up, I stretched, and leaned to the uphill slant of my home, automaticly adjusting myself to stay upright. My apartment was in a bridge, the largest on the river. Unnatural, I know, but it worked. Stone was the only thing that kept demons at bay, and this bridge had much of it. I glanced at the wall, my hand drawn map of my apartment still tacked to the thin layer of cork I hung there. I had made that when I began building this place, giving myself and idea of what I wanted.
Now it was my only home. The only thing mom and dad could leave me. Everything else was obliviated, pushed away into a space between, where nothing ever came back. Shaking my head, I walked into the tiny bathroom. I stared at myself in the dirty mirror. I saw all the smudges on the mirrror riddling my face, and thought, “We truely see our souls in the mirrors.” A tainted perfection, that was my soul. Covered with secrets, lies. For protection, my saint told me. I never learned his name. I only learned my saint’s name in time of true dire need. Apparently, I had not faced that yet.
I brushed my teeth and put my head under the faucet, rinsing my hair. Today was going to be spent on another escapade, searching for the latest demon. This one was somehwere close by. About four bridges down, across the street, in an old, once-elegant garden. This demon was old, harmless. But it was causing trouble, people going missing. This one gave into the demon desire more often. Demons preffered human. Of couse, most were smart enough to stay from humans often. They knew of the hunters.
Hmmmm.. The hunters. People like me. The ones who lived to destroy the demons. We were called Custodes Animi. The soul protectors. Our existence was solely to protect innocent souls from the dark messengers of the underworld, the demons. The only power I knew we really had was how we could “blind” people. We made them all unable to see or hear our weapons and all we did with them.
I walked to the closet and started picking out my gear. A gray tank top, black canvas capris, my weapons belt –which had an assortment of knives, a stock of various bullets, and two customized handguns-, my black half-jacket, and my dark gray converse.
Everything I wore had a small symbol stitched into some part of the cloth. The design was icy blue wings sprouting from a blood red symbol that, in the world of the saints, means ‘guard’. The entire design is outlined in black. That is the design of the soul protectors.
Lost in thought, I didn’t notice they misty form taking shape a few feet in front of me. Only when I sensed another presence did I turn, out of habit. It was my saint. Well, it was a light-reflection of him. Saints could not come to earth, so they stayed wherever it is they are and project their essence to the location they must be. I looked up at him, expecting to see the clear calm face he usually wears, but instead I looked into the eyes of a man who feared for his life. A man who was about to die.
“There is no time, Noemi. The saints are being hunted. The box, use the box! There are secrets you do not know of from your past. Learn them, and fight. Fight for your life. This is a crossroads, now take a path!” His voice changed to a prophetic sounding tone. “Within the walls of ancient oak, lie a dagger, and a cloak. These items of worth are keys, to set your troubles at ease. Within your heart is magic, chiseled in your core. Within your past are secrets, your family has kept. Release, release, release them, or you shall be in debt.”
Just then, the room was filled with a piercing scream, and the image of my saint suddenly had a blade protruding from his heart, and he began to fall. As he fell, his image faded, leaving the imprint of his death behind my eyelids, the only thing proving me it wasn’t a dream.
I was in shock. What had just happened? Who in the world would need to kill the saints? Did he just recite me a riddle? Quite a confusing one, too. He had said “the box”. What box? I did not recall ever getting a box from anyone. What kind of box? And my history? I thought I knew my history. My life and everyone in my family’s lives had been spent on demon hunting. There was more to that? That wasn’t possible. But still, the saints don’t lie. I sighed shakily, and headed for the gap in the bridge I called my door. There was nothing I could do about it now. I was not meant for anything but to kill demons, and kill demons only. Wonderful. The one thing I actually was interested in doing and I couldn’t even do it…
I braced myself with my hand against the inside of the bridge, swung my right leg out onto a ledge I had built for myself, and ducked my head through the hole. Taking my free hand, I grasped the beam above me, and quickly brought my other hand out to get a better grip. I pulled my left leg out and placed it a foot away from my right one. Then, as quietly as possible, I swung my legs up over the side, landing in a crouch. I straightened up, and looked around to see if anyone had noticed.
There were a few people walking across, and some cars too, but no one had realized I had seemingly popped from thin air. Hmmm, what a relief. I did NOT want to have to deal with that today. I turned, and began my way to the far end, going through the route in my head. After I got off the bridge, I would have to make a right and follow that until I reached the town church, and there would be the garden. And then, I would slay the demon, and go home to find another one. Easy as pie.
I hopped off the curb and sped across the street, walking briskly down the sidewalk. The faster I got this over with, the better. Reaching the church, I looked up. This church had not been touched for years now, and the cross at the top was cracked and broken. One side of the cross was missing, and the other was riddled with crevices. I sighed, and turned to see the gate to the garden. Show time. I slowly slid the rusted gate open just wide enough to slide through, and immediately ducked into a crouch, obscuring myself from view behind the overgrown weeds and plants.
Keeping myself silent came naturally, after so many years of practice. I heard a grunting noise, and recognized it as a demon conversation call, and crept closer to the sound. Peering through the plants, I saw nearly fifteen demons sitting around each other, grunting and spitting. All around, there were bones, human bones. I grimaced. This was not what I expected, and it would NOT be fun.
"And when you're out there,
without care, yeah,
I was out of touch!
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough,
I just knew too much."
  





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Sun May 29, 2011 6:30 pm
GryphonFledgling says...



Hey-oh! Here to read more after your wonderful intro--

Waugh! Wall of text! *eyes bleed*

This is a minor thing, but it's really important: make sure your spacing carries through into YWS. I can see where the paragraphs are supposed to be, so it's not like you don't have them, but the formatting sometimes gets lost in a YWS transfer and so we're left with this gigantically intimidating brick wall of text. So hard to read, so not fun for our eyes. Minor fix equals a lot more readers.

Moving on...

There are secrets you do not know of from your past.

Mmmkay, here's where starts an issue I take with this chapter. Mainly, that I feel like I've read it before. We've all read lots and lots of stories where the main hero finds out that they have a secret past, or that they are chosen for something, or something something. And here, we haven't really gotten to know our main character yet. What kind of person is Noemi? How does her typical day go? How does hunting demons go? How does she feel about her lot in life? How do she and her saint interact? We barely get to know the guy before he is knifed.

This right here is kicking off Noemi's adventure, but we need go get a little more of a feel for her before we follow her on her adventure. Using the classic example: Luke Skywalker. He gets called into a great space epic because of some garbled messages and a old guy. But before that, we get to see him doing his own thing. We get to see what a normal day is for him. We get attached to him as a character before we follow him into space, so that when he ends up in space, we really care about him rather than just watching the pretty moving lights.

Slow down a little. Don't kick off your main conflict yet. Let us get a sense of your character's life. Let us meet her saint and get attached to him too so that when he gets knifed, we are really broken up about it. As is, he's like "hi guys. oh crap, I'm dead. bye guys" in quick succession. No time for us to care at all. Show us how cool your character is with the demon-slaying. Let us get a sense of the danger involved so that when the big danger comes along, we have something to compare it to.

Noticed quite a few typos through here. Run through a spell-check? Reading carefully will also help. They're really small things, but when you add them all up, they can become really distracting and kick a reader out of your story.

Still interested. Moving on to the next bit. Again, feel free to PM me or leave a message on my wall if you have any questions!

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.
  





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Sun Jun 26, 2011 10:45 pm
Rosendorn says...



Hello.

I second Gry in how fast this was. There's no real time to get attached to the character or really click with them as the climax starts building up. It gets really tempting to rush right into the conflict because the everyday stuff sounds boring, but it's not to us. We don't know this world at all, nor do we know the character. Don't be afraid to slow it down and let us into their lives for awhile. Even though it's basic stuff, for readers who haven't spent awhile working on the story it's not basic. Don't introduce the main adventure until the actions become basic for us, too.

Also, the reaction to how the Saint dies needs a lot of polishing up. I read it and considered it a bit unnatural there wasn't even a pause in her day that the person who had mentored her the past few years was brutally murdered before her eyes. Why is she not freaking out? Why doesn't it even touch her? Really go into detail about that so we see the character under stress.

Finally, the outfit she selects. Please explain a reason for that outfit, because right now it's reading really Hollywood cool for me, instead of practical. Really think about why she'd be wearing certain things and if it'd make sense for demon-hunting. If, after a bit of thought, it doesn't make sense, then come up with something else for her to wear.

I'd also look at how she stores her weapons on her, too. Daggers, guns and bullets get just a bit heavy hanging off one belt all together, not to mention bulky. Think of spreading her weapons around so she's not wearing all of them at her hips. Just because others can't see the weapons doesn't mean she can't feel them. Look up different kinds of harnesses to see how you can spread the weapon load around.

Overall, this went just a bit too fast for me, and I didn't get any good connection with the character. I also found her outfit a bit unrealistic, and would like a bit more explanation behind it. I also found your little stint with the mirror forced and out of place. Why is she musing on it for so long? If it's important, why is it only mentioned once?

PM me if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey
A writer is a world trapped in a person— Victor Hugo

Ink is blood. Paper is bandages. The wounded press books to their heart to know they're not alone.
  








You unlock this door with the key of imagination. Beyond it is another dimension: a dimension of sound, a dimension of sight, a dimension of mind. You’re moving into a land of both shadow and substance, of things and ideas. You’ve just crossed over into… the Twilight Zone.
— Rod Serling