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Chapter six- Tainted Perfection



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Mon May 30, 2011 12:39 pm
VousEsEtonnant says...



Victor opened the locket and pressed it, design side down, into the indentation. Immediately, the box shuddered and started to shimmer. The jewels glowed, and seemed to swim in the oak, which had suddenly looked like liquid gold. The gems came together on the top, forming the design of the soul protectors. A silvery dragon formed from the glowing mist, and swirled around the box. I was wary, but too fascinated to get away. Nico, however, had no trouble backing up at least four steps.

The serpent slid to hover over the box, and it breathed out on the symbol, freezing it and turning it to solid crystal. Then the mist and the dragon dissipated, the glowing dimmed, and the box returned to oak. The design, however, remained in its form. I gently took the box from his lap and placed it on the bed. Nico looked at me, and then at Victor. All three of us looked to the box. I reached down and slowly opened the lid.

Lying there, all alone, was a blue and black cloak, decorated so the colors looked liked mixed marble, and a two pronged dagger. The dagger had two serpents much like the misty one twining together, their heads hooked in opposite directions. Their tails eventually separated and sharpened into two deadly points, ready to kill. I picked up the dagger, and a flood of visions came to me.

An uncle I had met once, fighting with mama and papa. Swearing to never help them again. He said he was going to the demon king, who would treat him far more special than the saints ever would. He vowed to overthrow everyone who opposed the demon king. Another vision, where the uncle was standing over the dead body of a grotesque man with a bone crown on, holding the dagger that now lay in my hands. It was covered in blood. Finally, papa and mama sneaking into a dark castle to steal the double tipped blade. A rage of fire scorching the hallway. Papa and mama fleeing, jumping through a broken window.

I gasped and dropped the dagger on the bed. “Our uncle. Demon king. Planning the war.”



Nico looked at me, and then said, “You guys have a confusing family. Seriously.”



Victor tried picking up the dagger, but he winced and dropped it. “It burned me.” I picked up the cloak and examined it. The cloth was soft, gentle, and nearly air-like, but it felt durable. I smelled it. It had no direct scent, but there was a faint essence of sour vanilla

“Take a look at this.” Victor was holding a note. “It says that whoever grasps the dagger next will own it forever, until someone captures it from them. It holds the power to kill the demon king and only the person who owns it can use it. It also has the power to make you the demon king. The cloak will protect you from any attack, no matter what it is. If the damage is blocked by the cloak. No harm will be done. Another part, here at the bottom, a note from papa. He said, ‘children, I know you are both reading this right now. First, I must say that we both love you very much. Your uncle has taken the role of demon king, and he is planning a war. You must stop him. Please. We are sorry it has come to this, but it is the only way. One more thing. Every time you get a scar from a demon, you gain some of its magic. In a way, we are all half-demon. Use the power wisely.’ That is it.

I looked down at the dagger. So, now I owned it? And only I could kill the demon king… who was my uncle? That was insanity. “In the riddle, there was mention of magic. I guess that the demon magic is what they were talking about.” Victor nodded. We all knew what was going to happen now. We were going to hunt down my uncle, and I would have to fight him. I would either kill him or be killed. That was how it was to be.



“We better start searching for him. We don’t have much time.” Nico said. I nodded and closed the oak box. The jewels replaced themselves, and I guessed that meant the box was sealed once again. I replaced it on the nightstand and turned to the steps leading to the hallway. “We have a lot to sift through, but I think I have an idea where he might be. Is it not that in five days it will be the anniversary of the day mama and papa died in the war? He will be at the remains of the home. I think he is looking for something before he can start the war.” I held up the dagger, spinning it between my fingers. “He is looking for this.”


The rest of the week had been spent preparing. We got our research done, and some weapons ready, our attack plan was all set up. We had to lay out a bunch of different attack points and position choices, keeping our options open and our chances of success at a maximum. Days went by spent sitting on the floor of my front room, with the computer on and papers scattered and piled all over the floor. Our minds were consumed with the actions.

I noticed how, more often than not, Nico ended up working close to me, watching me. He often brushed my hair out of my face, or helped me up when he knew I didn’t need it. He always made sure to say sweet dreams before he left for the night. He was a gentle person, and I always reacted the way I had the first day we met. I got nervous with him around, my heart beat as if I was afraid, but I felt amazing around him. I felt like I could take on anything, even the demon king.

That was another thing. I had ignorantly picked up the dagger first, and now I was destined to kill an uncle I had only met once. In a way, it was quite disconcerting. I had killed all my life, but I had only killed the inhuman murderous demons. It was never anyone –or anything- remotely human. Like a man who was once a close part of my family. I tried to keep myself from thinking about it. One does not look at murder subjectively, or it could undermine your courage and self-control.

We were touching up our plans, because that night would be when we attacked, when Nico got a call from his uncle. He listened closely, and then gasped. He said, “Okay. I’ll be there soon.” He turned to us, grief clear on his face.



“It’s my mother. She is about to die. She’s been sick for a while now, and my uncle has been caring for her at his home.” He turned to me. “We have to help her. I am about to lose her. Please.”

I looked at him with deep sadness, and whispered “Nico, I have to stay. I have to find my uncle and kill him.”



“Please.” He pleaded. “Please, Nemzi. I beg you.”



Something clicked then. I remembered the loss of my parents. My saint had come to tell me. I threatened to kill myself. I threatened to destroy everything I could on my way out. All of my reasoning was gone from me. He had said the same thing. “Please, Nemzi. I beg you.” It was the only time I had ever heard him plead or sound like he was desperate. He always seemed so calm.

And what about my power? Maybe I could save his mother. Maybe I was the only one who would that could. That made up my mind. I had to go save her. I could get back in time, right? Right. So I looked at him, and I said to him, “We better hurry if we want to get back in time.”

Victor looked at me as if I had gone mad. “What are you talking about? Everyone dies, Noemi. There’s nothing we can do to save her.”

I pointed at the box, the cloak, the dagger, and the note, which we had kept with us at all times. “Maybe there is. We have power, remember?” he knew I was right. And he knew I had to try. It was like we had known each other all our lives; we knew each other so well.

So off we went. I put on the cloak, and tucked the dagger in my belt, as I had made a habit of doing, and all three of us dashed along the streets of Italy. Past a roman-catholic church, past a play area for children, down a steep flight of stairs, and into a dense forest. We hopped over roots and dodged branches, running as if fleeing from some peril.

Soon we came to a small clearing, with a cottage in the middle. It was more of a modern cottage, with a shingle roof and newly painted stone walls. The door was made of cherry wood, and the knob was rusted silver. This, I assumed, was his uncle’s house.

We entered without knocking. There were only three rooms to this home. The kitchen, the bathroom, and the great room, which was the living area. It was there that a cot was laid out for Nico’s mother to rest. He rushed over to the shallowly breathing form on the cot, and reached for her hand. The action was so tender, like most of the things he did. Like how he treated me. You could tell he loved her very much.

He spoke to her softly. “Ma, it’s okay. I’m here now. I brought someone else. I think she can help you. I love you, ma. Don’t let go.”

I slowly walked over to him there with his mother. Over in the corner was his uncle, who was staring at me uncomfortably. I guessed he did not trust me in his home. Nico noticed this and said to him, “Uncle, it is okay. She is a friend, I trust her entirely.” This did not seem to help the aversion he had to me. I tried to ignore it and do what I came to do.

His mother was very pale. Her breathing came in short, almost unnoticeable bursts. There was no doubt that this frail woman was dying. Not if I have anything to do with it, I thought. I had no idea how to save her. I did not even know how the power worked. But I had to try.

I put my left hand on her forehead, and my right hand on her stomach. There was no training in my past for this. All I could do was open myself. I welcomed the unknown; I opened my heart and mind to connect with hers. Every guard I had in my body, I took down. Suddenly, I was overwhelmed with her essence. I could feel her heart beating and her blood pumping through her body. I could see a layout of everything that was wrong with her in my mind.

Her entire body was failing. She had mere minutes. Nico gasped, and I remembered that he was still holding her hand. He could see this too. The next thing I became aware of was the magic pulsing in me. It felt like a fluid, milky and silvery. It was laced in my mind, my body, my blood. It was all through my very being, on my skin, in my cells.

I found the magic nearest to my fingertips, and worked on pushing it out into her body. Slowly, the silvery fluid transferred into her body. Heal, I thought. And the magic healed her. It mended her muscles, it fixed her liver, and it strengthened her heart. Slowly, she regained consciousness.

Nico’s phone buzzed, and he looked at it questioningly. “It’s probably Ben or someone. I’ll be right back.” And he stepped out of the house to take the call.

His mother was getting up now. I supported her head, and helped her to lean up on the pillows. She did not seem to be woozy, or even weak. Only tired, as if she had just woken up from a very long nap and was just shaking off the sleepiness. She looked around, and questioned, “Where’s Nico?”

Gently I replied,”He is right outside, ma’am. He will be back. I promise you.”

She looked at me, puzzled, and then asked, “Who are you?”



“I am a good friend of your son’s. He asked me here to see if I could help you.”



“That was you? I thought an angel had come from heaven and was fixing me up before I went to heaven.” She held me in a hug. “Thank you, dear child. I owe you everything.”



“It’s okay, ma’am. I was glad to help.”



“Please, call me Ma. Everyone does.” Her personality seemed to have returned fine.



The man I knew as Nico’s uncle came up and said, “Ma, are you okay?” It was strange hearing a brother call his sister ‘ma’. But it was how things were in this family, I guessed.



“I am fine, Ricardo. Why is Nico not here yet?”



I replied to that. “He went to take a call. From one of his band members, probably. Victor, could you check for him?”



“Sure thing, sis.”



When Victor came back, he was panicked. Quickly, he said, “Nico is not outside anymore. His phone was on the ground. The number that called was not one I recognize.”

I looked at the number that was flashing across the screen, and nearly threw up. “That’s my old number. From mama and papa’s house.”
"And when you're out there,
without care, yeah,
I was out of touch!
But it wasn't because I didn't know enough,
I just knew too much."
  





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Mon May 30, 2011 9:53 pm
GryphonFledgling says...



Ahhh, the spacing is wonderful here. My eyes thank you.

It says that whoever grasps the dagger next will own it forever, until someone captures it from them.

Ha, makes me wonder what would have happened if they'd found the note first. Would they have decided who would touch it first? Would they have touched it at all. My brain is going nuts with the 'what if's. Also, how does one go about "capturing" the knife? Like, do they have to just steal it? I imagine that would be difficult to do if just touching it burns you. Does simply taking it away qualify as "capturing" it?

Your uncle has taken the role of demon king, and he is planning a war.

So... why didn't he tell them about this before? I mean, it seems like it would have made much more sense to tell them from a young age that they needed to prepare for a war, rather than springing it on them once everything is already in motion. Why didn't they use all this time to prepare? Why exactly didn't they tell them? Is there a reason?

The rest of the week had been spent preparing.

This begs the question again of why she trusts them. Sure, she might be fairly certain that they are telling the truth, but even still, there is a period of getting to know each other. Are they working as a team, impassively? Or are Noemi and Victor getting to know each other as siblings? What is their relationship? Do they just act as people that know each other? Or are they trying to be a family? Either is fine, but I want to see more!

Also, with Nico: I would have liked to see more of him talking about his mother, illustrating that he cares about her, before it comes to light that she's dying. That way, it doesn't come so completely out of the blue. As is, it sounds like it could very well be a ploy to distract them from their goal. (I'm not saying it is, but I'm just playing the devil's advocate and pointing out how it objectively could look.) If you show him before this, talking about his mother, or just show that he has good memories of her or objects that he takes care of because they remind him of her, anything, when her impending death comes up, we'll be more inclined to care about him and want them to go save her. We'll know that he cares about her, rather than this striking out of the blue and us being all like "wha? but we have to go stop evil!uncle now!"

Roman-Catholic


How close exactly is Nico's mother? Why didn't he go see her before this? It sounds like it was just a hop, skip and a jump away. Why didn't he go visit her, see that she was in bad shape, then come back and beg Noemi for her help? In fact, this could be how you show his concern for her. During the week of their planning, he could be visiting her occasionally and then come one day and say that she really isn't doing well, can Noemi come help, anything? It would manage to make it less a bolt out of nowhere.

Dun dun duuunnnn. Nico? Gone? See, this is only helping the fact that I thought this was a trap for some reason. Not sure quite for who anymore, but definitely something bad is about to go down. But because I had my suspicions up this whole time, this doesn't really feel like a surprise. It's sort of a "yup, called it" moment, which is a little disappointing.

Stuff is starting to come together here, but it's doing it kind of late in the game. I'm still not sure about the characters a bit, or at least why they are working together so familiarly. I mean, they are all basically still strangers to one another. I'd like to see that played out a little more. Also, the threat of the uncle is being introduced a little late too. Up until now, the threat has been unnamed and really vague, so that the conflict of Noemi finding out she had a brother was really the only conflict we saw. Getting to see the uncle threat coming into play a little earlier (even if you don't reveal yet about it actually being their uncle) would make it all feel that much more cohesive.

Keep on writing! As always, I'm there for questions/comments.

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.
  








"You, who have all the passion for life that I have not? You, who can love and hate with a violence impossible to me? Why you are as elemental as fire and wind and wild things..."
— Gone With the Wind