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Night Creatures, Chapter 2



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Sat Jun 04, 2011 12:11 am
germsieGal says...



Lucy awoke laying on the ground that was still damp with the rainfall from last night. It was just beginning to break into daylight. At first she had no recognition of where she was, but then the memories came flooding back to her. The rest of the pack was still sleeping most in there half human half werewolf form. Lucy looked beside her to find that Jeremy was still sleeping beside her and a small smile tugged at the corners of Lucy's lips. Lucy got up off the ground and headed for the woods beside the destroyed village; as soon as she hit the trees she took off in a sprint then changed into full werewolf form. One thing Lucy loved about being a wolf was the running part; she could go as fast as she wanted. It was amazing, she was big enough to take out anything in her path. Lucy could go for miles by just running through the forest.
About 40 feet ahead, blocking/laying on the path Lucy was running in was a woman. She was probably in her twenties. "I'm hungry." thought Lucy as she slowed her pace down then came to a stop. "I wonder if she is lost, should I keep going?" but a growl in her stomach was suggesting that this woman is her next kill. There was a faint voice in the back of Lucy's mind telling her to keep going and leave the innocent woman alone, but her hunter instincts took over. With one leap she was on top of the woman. Her muzzle was now digging into the flesh of the woman's neck. "It tastes so good. Lucy was absorbed in the taste of the rich blood as the body grew dry and limp" L Lucy sucked the rest of the blood out of the body then changed to human form, because she just couldn't stand the half and half form. Wiping the blood off her mouth she walked away from the now dead body. She didn't want to think about the fact that the woman she just killed could have had a family, so she didn't.

The sun was just showing through the trees and Lucy decided that it should be time to head back. Most of the pack was still sound asleep except for two, who were sitting by a fallen tree and Jeremy was one of them. He turned his head and noticed Lucy and gestured for her to join them.

“Where were you this morning? I woke up and you weren’t beside me. I got worried.” Jeremy said, his face did show that he was concerned about Lucy.

“Went for a run. And I, umm, had break feast.” Lucy’s face immediately turned red. Jeremy and West(the other guy) started laughing.

“Don’t be embarrassed Lu. It’s fine that you ate. Just always make sure no one is around when you do. We wouldn’t want the cops after us now would we?” West said in a sarcastic tone, he had an English accent that was very cute. After West said that he walked over to the tree lines and took off running.

There was a moment of silence between Jeremy and Lucy, when finally Jeremy broke it.
“Guess West was hungry.” after he said it Lucy began to giggle. Jeremy also joined in on her giggling. “What was your life like before we, umm, kinda turned you into a werewolf?”

The question took Lucy by surprise. She responded in a friendly voice. “Correction, before you changed me into a werewolf. To tell you the truth, my life was perfect. I had parents who loved me and they didn’t fight. I had a sister who adored me and looked up to me in everything I did. I was co-captain of my schools cheer squad. I had friends who that I was amazing. And I would have been getting a scholarship for cheering. My life was perfect.” Lucy turned away from Jeremy’s face because she could feel her eyes begin to tear up. Lucy also thought about saying some other things about how Jeremy ruined that for her, but decided at leaving it at that.

“I’m sorry Lucy.” Jeremy said that then he walked away.

“You should be.” Lucy thought of calling after him saying that, but he was apart of her new family the one she still has to get used to.

Lucy looked around at the village where the pack lay. Most were in dead sleep others were stirring. Jeremy had now reached the tree line and was in the woods. Lucy again looked at the pack and made sure everyone was here, three were missing. “Two are in the woods, but where is the third one?” Lucy was thinking to herself. “Carity’s missing...” I pang of guilt settled in Lucy’s stomach. She made Carity leave yesterday because she wasn’t being mice to her. “What if she is gone for good?” Lucy couldn’t bare the thought that she upset Carity, causing her to leave. It made Lucy’s stomach go into knots. “I better go find her, and when I do find her, apologize.
It wasn’t hard finding Carity, she didn’t go far from the village maybe a couple hundred yards. She was resting under a pine tree.

“Carity? I know you’re awake. Listen I’m-” but Carity cut her off.

“Lucy no don’t say you’re sorry, I’m the one who should be sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you like that. You were just tired and I was too. It’s just that you don’t appreciate what you have. If I was you that man would have been dried in a instint. Because we never know when we eat again.”

“I know, I’m getting used to the whole werewolf thing still. Carity? Can I ask you a question?” Lucy’s voice was a little bit shaky.

“Maybe.” Lucy took that as a yes.

“How long have you been a werewolf? I’m just curious.” A smile was spreading across Lucy’s lips.

“Well kid, longer that you have been alive.” She smirked at Lucy, the smirk was saying you will find out another time.

“That wasn’t really helpful...” A frown now spread across Lucy’s lips and she looked down at her bare feet.

“Some things are left better in known Lu.” Carity had now got up and was heading back to the village.

Lucy stayed by the pine tree for awhile. Processing what Carity had just said. She finally sighed. “I will never understand that girl.” She said it out loud as if to make a point.
Last edited by germsieGal on Sat Jun 04, 2011 2:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Sat Jun 04, 2011 1:41 am
RitingFreek says...



This is another good piece, I just don't really get where it is going. Will she end up refusing to eat humans entirely? Will she succumb to her instincts and finally accept that she has to eat humans? Or (Ooo!) will she fall in love with a human? I mean, I like this and all, but all I'm getting from this is that she doesn't want to eat humans, but she does anyway.
:)~sMILEY fACE~(:
Riting Freek
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Sat Jun 04, 2011 1:47 am
germsieGal says...



Oh RitingFreek, isn't that the point of a book? To keep you guessing. It is only the second chapter afterall. The third will bring in a problem. And this is just my first novel, I'm new to this and all, i'm just trying it out :D
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Sat Jun 04, 2011 6:27 am
Ugotgerms says...



Ok, I said i would do this with the first one, and somebody beat me to the punch, so I will try to get through this one for you. It is already 11, so i might have to finish in the morning...

Personal Impression:


ACTUAL EDITS:

My first really big thing about this chapter is the lack of lines between paragraphs. This wouldn't be so bad if this site allowed indentations(tho u could use spaces I think....), but for now the only way to give readers breaks between paragraphs is to space them out. (imo) Huge Walls of text becomes boring and difficult to process. Using the enter key would help, a lot. Also, something for high school, All of the teachers will make you put two spaces after every period. This is something I would get into the habit of doing soon rather than later.

I will try to edit one paragraph at a time, so bare with me. Suggestions will be in BOLD,spelling mistakes will be UNDERLINED, and notes will be in ( parenthesis ).

gersieGal wrote:Lucy awoke laying on the ground that was still damp with the rainfall from last night ( Personally, I don't like this wording and I would consider changing it.) . It was just beginning to break into daylight. At first she had no recognition of where she was, but then the memories came flooding back to her. The rest of the pack was still sleeping, most in their half-human, half-werewolf form. Lucy looked beside her to find that Jeremy was still sleeping beside her and a small smile tugged at the corners of Lucy's lips. Lucy got up off the ground and headed for the woods beside the destroyed village, (Mr.Little drove this point home; COMMA SPLICE [more underneath.])and as soon as she hit the trees she took off in a sprint then changed into full werewolf form. One thing Lucy loved about being a wolf was the running part because she could go as fast as she wanted. It was amazing and/because she was big enough to take out anything in her path. Lucy could go for miles by just running through the forest. She loved it, one of the things she loved in this new life of hers was the running. ( Personally, I feel you have stated that fact more than needed, we get it, she loves running. :P )


COMMA, SPLICES
This Grammar Mini-Lesson will be on comma splices. If it is something don't yet have a grasp on, don't worry, Mr. Little will get you straightened out. The general sense of it is that you are combining two complete sentences with a comma. Apparently that is a big no-no, and you need to replace the comma, or add after, with a conjunction. The 5 conjunctions that are most commonly used are AND, OR, SO, BECAUSE, and BUT. Another you may feel inclined to add to that list is then. DO NOT EVER COMBINE TWO COMPLETE SENTENCES WITH THEN. It is cheap and a good way for you to make run-on sentences. A alternative to the 5 Conjunctions is the classic SEMI-COLON ( ; ). To me the semi-colon adds to the story and makes you distinguishable among your story-writing peers. Though the semi-colon is an art that not even I have mastered. (Holy mother of god already nearly 3000 characters.) I think that is it for this semi-colon mini-lesson, ask the god of grammar in y/our school if you need more info.). Note: A slightly funny/less educational way of explaining this: Conjunction Junction. Also: NEVER BEGIN A SENTENCE WITH ONE OF THESE CONJUNCTIONS!!!!

germsieGal wrote:About 40 feet ahead, blocking/laying on the path that Lucy was running on was a woman, probably in her twenties. "I'm hungry," thought Lucy as she slowed her pace down then came to a stop. "I wonder if she is lost, should I keep going?" but a growl in Lucy's stomach was suggesting that this woman should be her next kill ( Pronouns, Pronouns, Pronouns. Lucy this, Lucy that. ^there it got kind of bad, but below it gets better :D ). There was a faint voice in the back of Lucy's mind telling her to keep going and leave the innocent woman alone, but her hunter instincts took over. With one leap Lucy was on top of the woman, her muzzle (got rid of some unneeded words here ) digging into the flesh of the woman's neck. "It tastes so good. ( I would take <this unneeded dialogue out, as you restate it much better here > ) Lucy was absorbed in the taste of the rich blood as the body grew dry and limp. Lucy sucked the rest of the blood out of the body and then changed to human form because she just couldn't stand the half and half form. Wiping the blood off her mouth she walked away from the now dead body. Lucy didn't want to think about the fact that the woman she just killed could have had a family, so she didn't.


Now it's 12, one bloody hour :P

germsieGal wrote:The sun was just showing through the trees and Lucy decided that it should be time to head back. When she got back ( I don't know 'bout you, but I would take out the first four words of this sentence, as she already established she was going back, but your call on this one.) most of the pack was still sound asleep except for two ( see below ) who were sitting by a fallen tree and Jeremy was one of them. He turned his head, noticed Lucy, and gestured for her to join them.(Made a list, instead of restating "and".)


The above is a really good paragraph, best so far. Good description and detail, and the fewest grammatical errors. Though another Grammar mini-lesson coming your way. :P

2 BE OR NOT TWO BE
This Grammar Mini-Lesson will be on when to use the numbers (376) over the words (three hundred seventy six). If I remember correctly if you can use two or less words when writing the number you should write it down, like seventeen or thirty six, but if you have to use three or more words, than the number is perfectly acceptable, like 102 or 290374932.

PART 2 of the proof-reading/grammar lessons coming your way tomorrow :D Wow, 6111 characters -_-
  





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Sat Jun 04, 2011 11:12 am
Animallovermary says...



Good job! I have to admit, the first one was a little better, because it kinda left me to figue out what was gonna happen. There is just a few tipos, so just make sure that you fix those. Again, I love your seiries!! Keep it up!
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Sat Jun 04, 2011 7:03 pm
sammay says...



I like this it's good.
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I <3 to write.

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Sat Jun 04, 2011 7:06 pm
germsieGal says...



Thanks for all of your reviews and comments, they really help. :D Check out the next chapter :D
The hardest part of living is just taking breaths to stay.
  








Alexa, are there European frat boys
— Carina