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Night Creatures, Chapter 3.



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Sat Jun 04, 2011 6:43 pm
germsieGal says...



Spoiler! :
This about Carity, it's her thoughts, not Lucy's (for this chapter).


Darkness.
Carity’s dream was filled with it.
Secrets.
Secrets flooded into her mind as she tried to sleep.
Torture.
Slash after slash of a whip hitting her back, causing her to scream. Causing her to bleed with blood that was coming out of the gashes now forever scarred in her back.

Carity woke with a gasp of air. She had been sleeping all night with a dream so torturous, so viscous, she couldn’t wake up from it. She felt for her back, feeling the scars that were still marked there. One tear, just one, rolled down Carity’s cheek and fell to the ground. She got up of the cold ground. The air was hard to breathe in from the ashes of the destroyed village. Carity knew that the pack would have to leave today, leave so no one would know it was them.
Carity waked over to West, he looked so peaceful laying on the ground. Carity being Carity kicked him in the chest, a bone cracked in his ribs and he woke up in a startle.

“Morning sunshine.” Her voice was cold. It was like a sheet of ice sliding straight towards West.

“Well aren't you just a bundle of joy, why did you wake me up?” After West spoke the words in is cute English accent, he began coughing up blood from the blow he took to the chest.

“We have to move, and since you are always the behind guy thought I would wake up up first. Don’t worry about your chest, remember it will heal in a couple of minutes.” Carity’s smile was cold just like her voice. West knew she was right about what she said and didn’t say anymore.

Carity turned away from West and walked towards Shanelle, who was sleeping next to Brendan. They had recently become an item and don’t leave each others sides. Carity shook Shanelle awake then wondered away relying on her to wake up Brendan to. Lucy was already awake and was talking to Jeremy about her life back home.

“Wow, she doesn’t have a clue that he is into her.” Carity’s thought brought on new questions about the packs future. “Will those two run away together? Live a new life together have little pups? Will Shanelle and Brendan leave to, go there separate ways and leave the pack? Will they leave me to get along with West.” All those thoughts dwelled in Carity’s brain. There was a problem though between the whole Lucy and Jeremy’s plan. Lucy did not seem all that interested in Jeremy. “Her loss.” Carity put up with Lucy being in the pack and all, but didn’t say she liked it.

Carity walked up to the tree line separating the village from the wilderness. She looked back to West and gave him a 10 minutes top sign. She looked back to the forest and took off running. After about five minutes of running in her human form she stopped. There was a rustling of bushes some where around her.

Someone dropped out of a pine tree and was behind her. Carity new this because there was breathing, if there wasn’t breathing she wouldn’t have known.

“Good day for a stroll in the woods?” Carity’s voice was even colder then when she talked to west.

“Perfect Day.” A voice not familiar to Carity was speaking, it was a girls voice, and it sent chills down Carity’s back. Carity didn’t dare look behind her, she new why the chills were there.
Someone else dropped out from the tree in front of Carity, she made sure she didn’t look into the eyes. She was a girl a bit smaller than her, but she had flawless features. She was wearing dark skinny jeans and a black tight fitting jacket, and black stilettos. “You look, tasty.” The girls voice sounded like the one that spoke behind her, “Can I take a bite?” Her voice was taunting, and malicious.

“Depends.” Carity knew she had to keep her cool, she was in a really bad situation. She was scared, but she couldn’t let that show.

“On what?” The voice behind her spoke again. It was exactly same as the one speaking in front of her. “You see were hungry, and you look very tasty,” the one behind her was now holding Carity’s arm, she was examining it.

Carity looked down at the hand on her arm, her mistake. The one in front of her was now right in Carity’s face. Her eyes were a piercing grey, with small slits for pupils. Carity quickly looked back at the girl in front of her, but she looked into the eyes and dropped on the ground.

Pain soured through all of her body. Carity was screaming now. The pain was the feeling of breaking bones, except all of her bones were breaking at the same time. Carity tried to crawl away, but a heel was now digging into her back. The pain was way for painful now.

“Pity you have to die. You were so promising. Good werewolf blood for me and my sister will do us good. Your friends are next blondie.” The voice was evil, something that came from the devil. Carity knew what they were now, they were vampires.
The hardest part of living is just taking breaths to stay.
  





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Sat Jun 04, 2011 7:27 pm
RitingFreek says...



Oh no! They're going to kill the others! :(
Anyway, this is a good chapter, but you might want to read through it a few times. There are a few grammatical errors and misused words. Also, you need to be careful with your tenses. Sometimes you wrote in present, sometimes you wrote in past.
But I do like this chapter. Please keep writing!
:)~sMILEY fACE~(:
Riting Freek
People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing- that's why we recommend it daily. -Zig Ziglar
  





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Tue Jun 07, 2011 9:05 pm
servant4christ says...



Okay...two things that I happened to catch

" Carity shook Shanelle awake then wondered Wandered away relying on her to wake up Brendan to too." then there was a "were" somewhere instead of we're...

Okay now that we're done with the boring gramatical stuff, lets move on the the story element...

I LOVED IT!!! I usually read vampire werewolf stuff but this was pretty good! You have a good story on your hands and some good characters. The way you are able to bring out their personalities is pretty amazing. I personally look for good characters in any story...that's the first element I look for.

Your plot line is good too! It's very exciting...especially the end. I went back and read the beginning chapters because this one got me so interested.

This is a good story so please don't stop! One other critique though is just to watch your tenses. I forget where they got a little off...I think it was the first chapter somewhere. It's a common mistake so it's okay :)
Sometimes you've just got to accept the way things are and move on, but not us...
  





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Sat Jun 11, 2011 2:18 am
sammay says...



I really like it. There was a couple spelling mistakes, otherwise it's great. Keep it up!
People think I'm quiet those who know me wish I was.

I <3 to write.

- Sammay :D
  








Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.
— Albus Dumbledore