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Hunted ch. 2



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Mon Jun 20, 2011 3:31 am
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tgirly says...



One shoplifting and a raid of some person's freezer later, we are dressed in dryed clothes and eating ice cream out of the carton in a park. Charlie isn't talking much, but I'm pretty sure that's because he's still scared out of his mind. He said he's only been hunted for two months. He's never shoplifted before. And if the way he is gulping the ice cream down is any indication, he hasn't eaten that much in those two months.
"So what's your name, anyway?" he asks me.
"It's Bill, short for-" I begin.
"Bilbo. As in Bilbo Baggins?" he interrupts.
"No, William. Who?" I ask. It's like I flipped a switch.
"He's only one of the best characters of all time!" he says, then begins telling me about him. Apparently, Charlie is a mini "Lord of the Rings" nerd.
I interrupt him. "Sorry to cut this short but we should probably get moving. They'll start looking for us soon."
"Oh, yeah," he says.
"You still hungry?" I ask.
"Yes," he says, a little too quickly. We shoplift another grocery store and find an unlocked car with keys in the ignition.
"Can you drive?" he asks.
"Yes," I reply. I taught myself. He didn't seem that confident in my driving abilities.
""Come on, I haven't gotten in a car crash in, like, a week," I say. He looks at me funny.
"Joking, joking," I say, "Just get in the car before the owner finds us."
The tank is pretty full and the engine is quiet. We have a long way to go. The signs say that we're in Tacoma, near Seattle and the coast, and I want to be in Idaho before nightfall.
We drive the rest of the day and sneak into a vacant hotel room through the window. There's a small bed and a couch. I take the couch.
The next morning, we climb out through the window. As I walk around the corner of the building, I see a bunch of police cars and officers. I duck back behind the building, running into Charlie who was following me.
"They must've seen that our car was stolen. There's a bunch of cops over there," I whisper. Charlie peaks around the corner.
"We've got to get out of here. They'll be here soon," I say. If the police are here, They're never far behind. Charlie nods and sneak around to the other side of the building and run down an alleyway. We look around for another unlocked car with keys. We're having trouble finding one. This is a smaller town than I'm used to.
I sigh, "We're going to have to hitchhike." He looks at me with wide eyes. He's scared.
"Is that safe?" he asks.
"Safer than staying here. We'll be sitting ducks if we're still here when They get here," I say. Now he's really scared.
I go to a nearby gas station. I'm awful at hitchiking, but I don't want Charlie to know that. I have to seem completely confident.
I watch another hitchiker. After a minute or so, a car pulls up and gets in. I begin copying him.
It takes five or ten minutes, but a truck pulls up with a farmer in it. At least, that's what I think he is. He has a few month's supply of potatoes in the back and is wearing a plaid shirt.
"You heading South?" he asks. I smile with relief.
"Yes we are," I say. He glances at Charlie and raises his eyebrow.
"You're traveling together?" he asks.
"Yes," I say.
"You'll have to squeeze," he says.
"Yessir," I say, "We can squeeze."
Last edited by tgirly on Wed Jun 29, 2011 6:51 pm, edited 2 times in total.
When I was young, I admired clever people. Now that I am old, I admire kind people.
-Abraham Joshua Heschel
  





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Tue Jun 21, 2011 2:06 am
BeautifulDisaster says...



tgirly wrote:One shoplifting and a raid of some person's freezer later, we 're were dressed in dryed clothes and eating ice cream out of the carton in a park. Charlie hasn't talked <-- You changed tenses then.much, but I'm pretty sure that's because he's Here, it's kind of hard to interpret if you're saying he is or he was. I would suggest not using so many contractions in your writing. Not using them makes writing flow a little better. still scared out of his mind. He said he's Same thing that I said before. only been hunted for two months. He's never shoplifted before. And if the way he's gulping the ice cream down is any indication, he hasn't eaten that much in those two months.
"So what's your name, anyway?" he asks me.
"It's Bill, short for-" I begin.
"Bilbo. As in Bilbo Baggins?" he interrupts.
"No, William. Who?" I ask. It's like I flipped a switch.
"He's only one of the best characters of all time!" he says, then begins telling me about him. Apparently, Charlie is a mini "Lord of the Rings" nerd.
I interrupt him. "Sorry to cut this short but we should probably get moving. They'll start looking for us soon."
"Oh, yeah," he says.
"You still hungry?" I ask.
"Yes," he says, a little too quickly. We shoplift another grocery store and find an unlocked car with keys in the ignition.
"Can you drive?" he asks.
"Yes." I reply. I taught myself. He didn't seem that confident in my driving abilities.
""Come on, I haven't gotten in a car crash in, like, a week," I say. He looks at me funny.
"Joking, joking," I say, "Just get in the car before the owner finds us."
The tank is pretty full and the engine is quiet. We have a long way to go. The signs say that we're in Tacoma, near Seattle and the coast, and I want to be in Idaho before nightfall.
We drive the rest of the day and sneak into a vacant hotel room through the window. There's a small bed and a couch. I take the couch.
The next morning, we climb out through the window. As I walk around the corner of the building, I see a bunch of police cars and officers. I duck back behind the building, running into Charlie who was following me.
"They must've seen that our car was stolen. There's a bunch of cops over there," I whisper. Charlie peaks around the corner.
"We've got to get out of here. They'll be here soon," I say. If the police are here, They're never far behind. Charlie nods and we go around the other side of the building and run a couple blocks until the hotel is out of sight. We look around for another unlocked car with keys. We're having trouble finding one. This is a smaller town than I'm used to.
I sigh, "We're going to have to hitchhike." He looks at me with wide eyes. He's scared.
"Is that safe?" he asks.
"Safer than staying here. We'll be sitting ducks if we're still here when They get here," I say. Now he's really scared.
I go to a nearby gas station. I'm awful at hitchiking, but I don't want Charlie to know that. I have to seem completely confident.
I watch another hitchiker. After a minute or so, a car pulls up and gets in. I begin copying him.
It takes five or ten minutes, but a truck pulls up with a farmer in it. At least, that's what I think he is. He has a few month's supply of potatoes in the back and is wearing a plaid shirt.
"You heading South?" he asks. I smile with relief.
"Yes we are," I say. He glances at Charlie and raises his eyebrow.
"You're traveling together?" he asks.
"Yes," I say.
"You'll have to squeeze," he says.
"Yessir," I say, "We can squeeze."


Okay, my general impression is that this is a very interesting plotline. I haven't read the first chapter (sorry!) but it sounds cool. I'm guessing they're on the run by a hunter or something? Oh, but I did see that you were thinking of a title for it, and you wanted some suggestions. If you gave me a summary of your book, I would be happy to message you some suggestions for a title. I just have one suggestion for you; read and re-read your work before posting. Most of the things that I spotted were just little grammar errors, and they could be easily spotted. Also, watch your tenses. You switch them around a lot so be careful with them.

Anyway, this has amazing potential, and I love your writing style! Just watch the little errors, and it'll be great! Keep up with the great writing! :D

-Julie
I can't stop twisting around this storyline,
distorting my insides.
'Cause I can't stop twisting around this storyline.
I won't forget I'm drenched in it.
Tangled words were never mine.
I won't forget, I'm lost in it...
- Mythology, Versaemerge
  





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Tue Jun 21, 2011 4:18 pm
spiderman says...



Spiderman here.

I'm not the grammar police, so i'll skip straight to the story.

One shoplifting and a raid of some person's freezer later, we're dressed in dryed clothes and eating ice cream out of the carton in a park. Charlie hasn't talked much, but I'm pretty sure that's because he's still scared out of his mind.


I love this sentence. it's a perfect way to start a chapter.

"Safer than staying here. We'll be sitting ducks if we're still here when They get here," I say. Now he's really scared.
I go to a nearby gas station. I'm awful at hitchiking, but I don't want Charlie to know that. I have to seem completely confident.


It would be nice to see how they escaped from the hotel.

Personally, I liked this chapter. Its fast paced and it looks likes it leading somewhere. However, I would like to see some characterization and a voice being developed. it would get the readers more intrigued and into the story.
Despite the lies that you're making
Your love is mine for the taking
My love is just waiting
To clothe you in crimson roses

WHISPERS IN THE DARK LYRICS - SKILLET
  





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Points: 240
Reviews: 41
Thu Jun 23, 2011 3:28 am
BelarusBirdy says...



More good work Tally! I might come back and get some of the small things later, but I'm working on my novel right now.
A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes. I screamed aloud as it tore through them and now it's left me blind.
Florence and the Machine, Cosmic Love
  








The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma.
— Patrick Star