Young Writers Society

I hear a car screech to a stop. It's Them. They haven't seen us yet. I grab Charlie and duck behind a tree. We're both still shocked from the discovery. I don't know if Charlie can handle this right now. I have to stay calm for him. I take a deep breath. He's staring at me, waiting to follow my lead.
I glance around the tree. They're coming our way. There's about five of them, with a pale girl in the lead. She has her hair in a severe ponytail. She sees me. I pull my head back as a bullet whizzes by where my head just was. I grab Charlie's hand and we make a mad dash for the river. Tugging Charlie along, I jump in the water. Charlie raps his arms around my shoulders, and I swim as fast as I can to the other side, and dissapear into the trees. I can hear them splashing through the river behind us. I set Charlie down. I hold a finger to my lips. He nods. I walk under a big tree and point up.
I lace my fingers together to give him a boost up. Once he's up, I follow him. We climb a few branches higher, as far as I'm willing to go and still feel comfortable with the thickness of the branch. Charlie's sitting on the same branch as me, closer to the trunk. We can't see too much of the ground, because of all the leaves, which is good. I watch the little patch of ground I can see. Charlie's stone still, and I glance up now and then, to make sure he's okay. He looks petrified, but he's okay.
I hear movement right outside my narrow field of vision and tense. A moment later, I see her, standing right under me. She looks side to side. She's listening. I glance up at Charlie. He's staring at her, he looks at me for reassurance. I manage to smile at him, even though I'm freaked out. He gives a very slight nod, barely impercievable, and looks a tiny bit less terrified, if that was possible. I look down at her. She's still there. She slowly walks away. They keep looking for us for probably half an hour. Then we hear them drive away. We stay in the tree for another five minutes, to be sure they've gone. Then we slowly climb down. We're both sore and tired. by now, the sun has set, and you can see the stars in the sky. We curl up under the trees.
"Bilbo?" Charlie asks, finally daring to speak.
"Yes," I say.
"Does it get less..."
"Scary? No. But it gets easier. Especially when you have someone watching your back." Charlie nods. A few minutes later, I hear him snoring. Soon, I fall asleep too.

Hi I'm Shadow and I had the pleasure of reading this snippet of your story!

First of all I liked the sense of danger you gave your story, I could sense the danger they were in.

In the first paragraph of the story you said Charlies name too many times. you could have taken some of those instances and we (the readers) would still have known "who" your main character was talking/thinking about. you only need to make sure your reader is following, you did start later in the piece.

I liked how concerned your main character was for charlie, you could feel his/her? affection.

I felt in many parts of this piece you were telling and not showing us what was happening.
this part of writing takes LOTS of practice. (I'm still working on it all the time)
Just practice showing by what is happening, I will say a thesaurus is writer best friend. You can always find a word that has more of a mental picture attached to it. you can have a character with a tight pony tale or you can have a character with a severe pony tale, or painfully slick backed pony tail, See?

I want to know more though! it almost felt like WWII Nazi occupation to me.(I am a history nut... geeze it shows XD)
Keep going you have a great beginning here!
happy writing,
~Shadow~