Young Writers Society

Rain, a 13 year old girl, has gone through alot in her life, her parent's recently died 3 1/2 months ago and she is staying with her abusive uncle Matt. In fear of what her uncle might do Rain hide's it the best she can. The bruises are getting harder and hard to explain.





Sorry but it's late this is all I'll give you tonight

Well...this would certainly make a good summary. For an intro, it's a bit short. You need a hook, something to make the reader interested in what's going to happen next. The fact of an abusive uncle is out of the ordinary, but on its own it fails to stand out immediately. Since this is an intro, maybe give us a better idea of who Rain is, and how she's feeling about the death of her parents. Nothing too major, just a bit of getting to know her.

I hope this wasn't too harsh. I really do think you've got a good start. Please do let me know when you post an update; consider me your humble reader. Also, it should be 'The Girl in the Corner.'

Rain, a 13 thirteen year old girl, has gone through alot a lot in her life; her parent[']s recently died 3 1/2 three-and-a-half months ago and she is staying with her abusive uncle Matt. In fear of what her uncle he might do[,] Rain hide[']s it the best she can. The bruises are getting harder and harder to explain.

I agree with him. It is too short for a beginning. I'm interested, but I'm not completely hooked. I need more . Keep writing your story! I wanna hear more!

I need a little bit more here to keep hooked. It was great idea behind it so far..but you need more.

A few suggestions:

ShyGirl627 wrote:Rain, a 13 year old girl, has gone through alot in her life[.] Her parent[']s recently died 3 1/2 months ago and she is staying with her abusive uncle Matt. In fear of what her uncle might do[,]Rain hide's it the best she can. The bruises are getting harder and hard to explain.

-A lot is two words
-Add a period at he end of, "in her life"
-Begin new sentence with "Her parents"
-Should write out 3 1/2
-Need's a comma between "uncle might do" and "Rain"
-Maybe start this with "But" instead and then add a little closing to the sentence?
-Thinks that in the last sentence, "hard" is supposed to be "harder?"

I agree with the other person who made corrections too.
With a few quick changes, this piece will be a great intro.

Continue writing,
-Brie

For an intro... It's too... lacking. You want to grab the attention of the reader, rather than just simply throwing out a cliched concept and expecting people to like it.
Rather than using this:

Rain, a thirteen-year-old girl, has gone through a lot in her life, her parent's recently died three-and-a-half months ago and she is staying with her abusive uncle Matt. In fear of what her uncle might do , Rain hides it the best she can. The bruises are getting harder and hard to explain.

You should consider using something with more flair, such as

Rain was only trying to be like any other normal thirteen-year-old. She only wanted to find happiness. Then why did her parents have to die? Why did they leave her to live with that sinister, abusive bastard that she is embarrassed to call her uncle? Uncle Matt insisted on this, the beatings, the harsh language, the downright abuse. Rain has tried to hide her bruises as best as she can, using the weak excuses to save her from any more that her terrible caretaker may do. Unfortunately, the excuses have stopped working, and the bruises are getting harder and harder to explain.

Or something like that. Your intro was too simplistic, uninteresting. It sounds like an okay concept, but you just need to introduce it better to stir up interest.