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The Dark Angel of Peace Chapter 1



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Wed Jul 06, 2011 3:09 pm
CrazyMuffinAssassin says...



Trees, a couple bush, more trees, a couple of cars, some people walking, even more trees...They whiz by as if it’s only a dream, unreal.
Planet Earth, the Most High’s most prized creation, it’s passing me by as if it is nothing. I don’t see why the others wish to travel here so much. It’s not as pretty as Heaven, nor is it as perfect. And the Humans: sinners all of them. They have no respect for what the Most High has given them. They destroy this planet, eating away at it like it’s an insignificant waste. It’s disturbing, almost hateful. I certainly don’t like it.
My name is Vincent; I am an angel. Well, I was an angel, that is, before Gabriel ruined it for me. Just yesterday he told me that I’m not an angel at all, though I was borne to an angel and lived like one. He actually doesn’t know what I am, but it is confirmed that I am not an angel.
Then what am I?
An unknown, a whatever.
That’s what I am.
I always knew I was different than the others. My hair and wings are black, for one thing, as opposed to the usual blond (or brown) hair and white wings. Another is my eyes are silver with red accents, as opposed to the usual blue, green, or even brown. I can fly like the others, however, and I’m a really good trumpeter, if I do say so myself. But, I am different. The others always treated me different, like I was some sort of freak. I guess that’s why I’m so detached. All I wanted was to fit in with the rest of them.
I have a sister, younger than me, who is as normal as any angel.
Her name is Austin, short for Augustine. She has the typical wavy blond hair and blue eyes, beautiful. She’s also a brilliant flautist. She’s in the Council of Music, and a big part of it too. The Most High loves the pieces she is sometimes allowed to prepare.
See, I used to be a part of the Music Ministry, before Gabriel ruined my existence, and the Heads used to say I was almost ready to be at the top, that is, if it weren’t for me being so different.
Yes, different. Apparently, I stand out too much. Even my skills as a musician are bypassed by my outward appearance.
Which brings me to where I am now.
As of right now, I have been traveling in a Human vehicle for almost an hour, according the clock. My own personal guardian angel, named Perseus, has been driving me to an unknown destination, apparently where I am to study until my training is complete.
Not all young angels get a guardian. The Grand Council just decided that I need one to “keep me out of trouble.”
Whatever that means.
“Vincent,” Perseus breaks the awkward silence that had been brewing for the past few moments, “I wish to tell you something.”
“What is it?” I ask without glancing up to look at him. I just cannot bear to see that angelic face of his. What has become so familiar since I’ve been born is sickening to my stomach now.
“Do you really wish to know what you really are?” he inquires suddenly. No one had asked me that before. “The truth would help, I’m sure.”
“Of course I would like to know,” I answer simply, crossing my arms. “Wouldn’t you?”
I can feel embarrassment flash across his mind, and I resist rolling my eyes. “Well, yes, of course,” he murmurs. “But with your situation, it’s hard to say.”
“What’s so hard to say? Either you know what I am or you don’t,” I tell him, frowning. What’s he getting at?
“That’s the thing; we don’t really know exactly what you are,” Perseus says quietly. “We’ve never seen anything like you before.”
“That’s comforting,” I grumble sarcastically.
“It’s not your fault. We don’t think any different of you because you’re different,” he mumbles. “But I guess what you’re to become makes the others edgy, not because of you yourself.”
“What?”
“Do you remember Axel?”
That question came out of nowhere.
“Uh... Yeah,” I reply, thinking hard back to the millennia ago that the guy in question visited Heaven. His image crosses my mind.
Quiet guy, everything he wore was silver-gray. Even his hair! He had these eyes, striking auburn eyes that seemed to burn into your very soul. He was intriguing.
“What about him?” I ask, blinking at my guardian.
“Well, you know that he is the Keeper of Peace, correct?”
The Keeper of Peace is an all-powerful being that reigns over the Earth. He maintains order and keeps the Most High and Satan from meddling in the lives of the Humans too much.
“Yeah...”
Where is this going?
“You’re just like him.”
“What?”
“You are meant to be his successor.”
“You’re joking.”
“Why would I joke about something like this?”
“Because it seems like it’s not true.”
“It is true.”
“How do you know?”
“Because the Most High told me that it is.”
I shut my mouth then. If the Most High says it’s true, then it must be.
“When Axel came by all that time ago, he wanted to tell the Most High that you are his successor. That’s the reason you look so different from everyone else.”
“I’m going to be the Keeper of Peace?” I gasp, my eyes widening.
Now, that was unexpected.
Perseus nods, confirming. “Yes. That is why we are on Earth now. Axel wants to begin your training, which will take place here.”
“Why?”
“It’s where you’ll live, Vincent. You’re going to live on Earth until the day you die.”
“Then why did I grow up in Heaven?” I challenge. “If I am supposed to live on Earth, then why was I born in Heaven?”
“Ask Axel that question, for I do not know,” Perseus answers quietly, turning the vehicle into a long concrete drive. “He will provide the answer to most of your questions.”
I clamp my mouth shut.
Marvelous, just marvelous.
He parks the car in one of the “Visitor” spaces in front of a large iron gate. We get out of the car, and walk up to the gate.
A guard greets us at the door. “State your business,” he orders, his face like stone.
“This is Vincent,” Perseus announces, gesturing to me.
The guard’s eyes widen. He bows. “My apologies. Please continue.”
My guardian and I pass through the gate, walking up a long stone path towards a huge building. The walk is quiet, no words exchanged between the two of us.
I can tell that Perseus just wishes he could snap out his wings and fly up instead of walking all the way. His golden wings are poking against the back of his sweater.
I can’t say I don’t feel the same way. My own pair of wings are itching to be let out and take to the skies.
We make our way into the building, Perseus opening the door for me.
A man is waiting for us in the center of the hallway.
It just so happens to be Axel, wearing the exact same thing as when he came to Heaven: gray straight-legged jeans, gray t-shirt, long gray coat with coat tails that extend to his mid-calves, and gray Converse low-tops. His hair is to his chin, floating in feathered wisps. His bangs hang over his reddish eyes.
“Greetings,” he hails us, waving and giving a small smile. “I hope that your trip had no problems?”
“It was fine, thank you,” Perseus says, bowing with the deepest respect in his eyes and voice.
“Vincent,” the Keeper addresses me, “I am glad to finally have met you.” He bows his head.
I bow back in respect. “I am pleased to meet you too, Axel.”
“Come, young one,” he orders, placing a hand on my shoulder and steering me towards the back of the building. “We have much business to attend to.”
“I shall come with you!” Perseus exclaims, holding up a hand.
“I do not believe that will be necessary,” Axel tells him, waving my guardian off dismissively. “Your work is done here, angel. Go on back to the Kingdom.”
“But, sir, it is my duty to protect-”
“In case you haven’t realized, he doesn’t need your protection. Besides, I’m with him, so you will just be intrusive.” Axel glares at the angel with the utmost seriousness in his eyes, boring daggers into Perseus.
Perseus appears taken aback and he turns away, squeezing his eyes shut and clenching his jaw. “Very well,” he growls. “But know this, I will be back.”
The angel leaves, his pure white wings tearing through the back of his sweater and stretching out to take to the sky.

As a side note, because Vincent is so outspoken, I decided not to put his thoughts in italics. Mostly because it's a hassle when the story is in firt-person-point-of-view. Another thing, I did put so much effort into this. I've been working on this literally forever and Vincent has become so much more than one of my characters. He has become a part of me and you will see an extension of myself in a lot of these characters.
Last edited by CrazyMuffinAssassin on Mon Jul 11, 2011 3:42 am, edited 1 time in total.
  





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Wed Jul 06, 2011 5:12 pm
EliteHusky says...



Firstly regarding,

Trees, a couple bush, more trees, a couple of cars, some people walking, even more trees...They


I may need to double check on this, and I would invite other readers to comment, but should there be four periods when starting a new sentence or did you intend to capitalize "They" not as a new sentence starting but under the capitilization rules of person, place or thing?

You capitalized "Most High's" and "Humans" but you did not capitalize the word angel in

I am an angel.


Usually if you are going to capitalize a person, place or thing, committing to all other variants is key.

“I shall come with you!” Perseus exclaims, holding up a hand.
“I do not believe that will be necessary,” Axel tells him, waving my guardian off dismissively. “Your work is done here, angel. Go on back to the Kingdom.”
“But, sir, it is my duty to protect-”
“In case you haven’t realized, he doesn’t need your protection. Besides, I’m with him, so you will just be intrusive.” Axel glares at the angel with the utmost seriousness in his eyes, boring daggers into Perseus.
Perseus appears taken aback and he turns away, squeezing his eyes shut and clenching his jaw. “Very well,” he growls. “But know this, I will be back.”


Very good dialogue. I can tell that you have put some time into writing this. With that said, and this tip applies to the overarching storyline, organize your characters as the more you have the more you can work with. A good and somewhat free way to do this and minimize confusion would be to construct a brainmap and put each character in a cloud with other clouds linked to them for their attributes, skills and other notable exceptions that make them stand out.

In regards to potential, the potential is certainly not missing in your story. Your characters can work with each other and the dialogue is entertaining to read. Keep on writing.

Sincerely,
Elitehusky
  





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Wed Jul 06, 2011 5:24 pm
Iggy says...



1) When Vincent's thinking something, you need to put it in italics.

2) Nice use of imagery. I especially like how you describe the colours of everything. It puts a more vibrant picture in my head.

3) No spelling or grammar errors. Though you missed some comma's in some sentances.

4) I liked it! It's something that I, as a bookworm, would enjoy reading.

God job.

-Ariel
“I can't go back to yesterday because I was a different person then."
- Lewis Carroll
  








I wouldn't think "impossible" was even in your vocabulary.
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