Young Writers Society

Hey people, this is my first attempt at a novel, so yeah, any critisism is greatly appriciated! The title might change and I think it belongs in Fantasy but it's more of an adventure... ah well.

Chapter One

Matthias


Matthias is twelve years old, or thereabouts. No one can reall be certain since
the drink his mother pours down her throat, long-ago did away with any memories besides, 'The way home', or, 'the price of a bottle of cider'. She has given up trying to remember the individual names of her seven children and usually addresses Matthias merely as, "Oi, you! You're one of my lot, 'ent you?" The purpose of her behaviour isn't deliberate cruelty, it's just that the solace she finds in a bottle is worth far more than any she might squeeze from her children. So, since she can't be a mother to them, she pushes them away and withdraws into her drink.

Matthias' father has fathered so many children that he has taken to remembering the names of only those in work and from whom he might be able to 'borrow' the odd shilling from now and again. He is a fraud and a womanizer, often violent and whose softer side (if indeed he posses one), has remained so far undiscovered.

Since Matthias has little reason to stay at 'home', he has taken to roaming the streets. When night falls, he is forced to spend the night amongst the other homeless, down some nameless alley. At his age, Matthias is anything but conspicuous, with around fifty per cent of Kristellburg's homeless being under sixteen. Many of the children around Matthiasare as young as five and most even carry knives as protection against the rogues who would slit the childrens' throats for their boots.

However, during daylight hours, Matthias is surrounded by an interchangeable gang of urchins.
They spend their time terrorizing the Kristelburg townsfolk, often just for something to do.They also gamble passionately, although the takings are often simple things like pebbles or ciggarette stubbs, each with barely two puffs in them. Matthias lives souly on small foods;the sort that can be taken from stall in the market, fairly easilly.

Occasionally he finds work, of the legitimate kind, in the numerous stables of Kristellburg.This work is usually hard and altogether not very glamerous, including tasks such as cleaning out and sometimes feeding the horses. But what Matthias really wants to do, more than anything,is ride. For Matthias, the stable work is really torment. While he enjoys being around the horses, sometimes picking up information and tips from the riders he must also endure the almost constant put-downs, and desperate yearning to sit astride a powerful horse abd ride away through the North Gate of Kristellburg. Since Matthias is often painfully stubborn and proud, he seldom works the stables. The dignity he loses by mucking out and the jelousy at the horses' owners makes it less than worth his while.

Matthias is a rude boy, violent and disrespectful. He longs to grow up so that he can work his way up the ladder of one of the major gangs, such as, 'The Kristall Boys', and, 'Mama Lucker's lot'. The main group, of whom even brave Matthias is afraid, is the South Gate scum. To get on the wrong side of them is to sign your own death warrant.

One could be inclined to blame Matthias' parents for his behaviour, but as he reaches teenhood,
and so leaves his child's life behind, it may become questionable as to how long this exuse
will last. He knows that his behaviour is wrong but has seen precious little in the way of
good examples. He has never gone to school and can't even read or write.
But soon life for this agressive little street urchin is going to change.

I've written nine chapters, all about as short as these two, but i have only got as far as typing up two on to my computer. This is the second...

Chapter Two

Poziomka


Poziomka was born on June 29th, into war-torn Silkaa. Her parents had at one point been very well established in the Silkaan government and Poziomka's future looked bright. She was born Isobel Lakka, but by the time of her birth her family, once blessed with all splendour imaginable, had been reduced to a measly 40 silkos a week.

Isobel's family consisted of her father, once an advisor for the leader of Silkaa himself, her mother, who had once roamed the wild Silkaan back streets as a hall singer, her sister and her brother. Neither of Isobel's parents had relatives nearby, as they had all chosen to join the working party, It was, in fact, the working party who had joined up with surrounding countries to launch war on the Silkaan government. As the working party began to win, Mr. Lakka chose to go into hiding. He knew that if he was found, the death sentence would be definite.

So that is how Isobel was introduced to the world. Into a dusty basement room, greeted by the anxious faces of Mr. and Mrs. Lakka. For the first four years of her life, she would have barely any contact with any human beings apart from her parents and siblings, Maria, who was twelve when Isobel was born, and Josef, who was six. Nonetheless, Isobel became a ray of sunlight, making life a little more bearable.

The family was constantly hungry. After a while, they just got used to it. Since Mr. Lakka couldn't show his face for fear of recognition, it was Isobel's mother who had to play the part of breadwinner. Under an assumed name, she worked as a letter writer for the illiterate members of the Silkaan population. Every morning she rose at five to work and then shop for the family Her day usually lasts around twelve hours. Mrs. Lakka was not concerned with ethics or anything like that. While the working party claim to be helping the poor, the poor are simply getting poorer and more miserable than before. So Mrs. Lakka, in her customary black and white thinking, hated the W.P with a vengeance.

Meanwhile, the W.P were stepping up in their attempt to squash all opposition. Random checks were made on houses everywhere, searching for the wanted 'traitors'. In Silkaa, things were getting increasingly uncomfortable for Mr. Lakka. He would have to leave.

And so he did. On March 14th, he was smuggled onto a train that would take him to St. Frudrich. The intention was for his family to follow him a month later, when he sent word. But unfortunately the train he was on was victim of a random check, where we was discovered, identified and sent off to distant Chistelburg prison. There he was beaten, starved and forced to work. His family knew none of this. They just heard nothing and were left to fear the worst. Whatever that was.

It was not long before the W.P traced the rest of the Lakka family. As the W.P fought their way into the room, Maria, who was just sixteen years old, pushed the tiny Isobel into a hidden cupboard. Isobel thought back to the pick-ups she'd seen and heard about. One man had told a political joke and been arrested in the middle of the street. A woman had been shot trying to save her son. He'd kicked his ball against a W.P van. In Silkaa, lives meant nothing. Then the W.P Police finally broken their way in.

"Are you Mrs. Lakka, the sinful wife of that dirty traitor?" asked a dirty W.P worker, his uneven teeth yellow and covered in spit.

"Mrs. Lakka will do nicely" replied Isobel's mother.

"Don't give me such cheek! You'll regret that… know who I am? I'm the leader of the Traitor Unit! And you and your snake of a husband, are traitors to Silkaa. So you'll die. Still so cheeky?"

"Fuck you," said Mrs. Lakka and she spat in his face.

Isobel never screamed or cried, despite what happened next. Her mother and sister were slaughtered, right there in front of her. Even when Josef begged them to go, they didn't leave up. Even he couldn't convince them.

So, after the men had gone, laughing and joking, as they stepped over the bodies of the family, Isobel crawled out. She surveyed the destruction around her and, without shedding a tear, walked out into the streets of Silkaa. She was four and a half years old.

Isobel was lucky really. She had blonde hair, blue eyes… and angel's appearance. It was this which won her favour with Mrs. Linton. She was an elderly woman, whose husband an sons had been killed in the war. Now, here was Isobel, so beautiful and sweet, stood on her doorstep.

"Food?" she asked, in a honey-sweet voice. Mrs. Linton's heart melted. She re-named Isobel, 'Poziomka' and that is the name she kept. For six years, Mrs. Linton took care of Poziomka. She was a very intelligent woman, pretty well off, since her husband and sons had fought for the W.P, so she received a substantial amount every month. This was enough to keep Poziomka clothed and fed. Mrs. Linton herself educated her. She was taught Anglish, Silkaan, Bergenrichten, Mathematics, Sciences, History, Piano, Violin, Painting, domestic and Etiquette, As a result, her days were often very full and by the time she was ten, most of her early memories had practically vanished. At least, she never really spoke of them. Since she was born, the lesson of 'sitting still and being quiet' had been drilled into Poziomka. Because of this, Mrs. Linton thought she was a good girl, and was glad to have her.

She raised Poziomka as a W.P member. She often told Poziomka that the things she had, her very life, were all thanks to the WP

Then, on December 5th, Mrs. Linton died. Since Poziomka was not really related to her, the money would no longer been given. Well mannered, spoilt little Poziomka would be shoved into a state orphanage along with all the other little brats. Poziomka doesn’t want that. So, four hours after Mrs. Linton's death, she leaves the house with a backpack. She has 50, 000 silkos and is catching a train to St. Frudrich. Some memories remain.
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An interessting setting and general storyline (you have the background of your two characters well set out), but this suffers from one main problem:

You tell loads, and show little. That is, you tell us this happened and that happened, but we don't actually 'see' it. The bit where Mrs Lakka talks with the WP worker, we're being shown the action, whereas the rest of the time we're being told the story.

Urgh, I think I explained that really badly. Someone else will probably be able to help you more.

No, I think that makes a lot of sense actually and I'd agree that it's one of my main problems. Wow, this site is cool, the ones Im used to, people don't often give helpful comments. I'll edit the last two chapters and try to fix that problem. Here's the next one. I think that maybe I introduce too much too soon, leaving the reader confused but yeah, you tell me what you think.

Chapter Three

Eva Broshono

Eva Broshono is fourteen years old. She lives in St. Frudrich with her father and two of her three brothers. Her father is a street cleaner in the Business district; her mother died in childbirth three years ago. Eva is the second born and only girl. As a result, she spends her days working and her evenings taking care of her younger brothers, Jakob and Klaus. During the day, the two boys attend the local school, while the eldest, Peter, is in the army. He returns home very rarely but sends a good deal of his wages home. So they manage.

Eva works for the El Monte family, a rich family from the West Coast of Angland. She is employed as a kitchen maid and part time Language tutor to the El Monte’s youngest children. She speaks three languages fluently: Anglish, Silkaan and her native Burgenrichten. So Eva spends much of her time caring for others. She is constantly worrying about how to feed the family, how to convince the El Monte’s to learn and other things mean for those much older.

Maybe it’s because of this that Eva Broshono is so wise beyond her years. Her forehead is prematurely lined, her eyes prematurely sad and her back forever stooping. All in all, Eva is a sad girl, having learnt earlier than most that life is a very difficult thing. She has no friends; her social circle consisting mostly of kitchen hands and children. She misses her mother and brother terribly but has no way of releasing these feelings. Quite often, overcome by despair, she toils on, for there’s really nothing else she can do.

Still, Eva is grateful. She knows of the trouble in Silkaa and of how desperate Silkaan are to get into Burgenricht. Eva is grateful ever time she goes shopping and finds what she came for; isn’t arrested or attacked. She’s grateful when her brothers leave food on their plates because they’re full.

On December 5th, as the bitter Burgenricht winter really begins to take hold, Eva is sent to the eldest El Monte’s room. Now, the El Monte’s have four children. They are all under ten except for Kasper. Kasper is sixteen and due to take up a job in medicine as of next year. Eva has seldom seen him and never spoken to him. But today he needs help with his Silkaan lessons. So Eva, thinking nothing of it, sets off to his room.

As she steps inside the beautifully ordained antique room, she sees Kasper sitting at his desk. She gives him a nervous smile and asks him what he needs help with, all the time aware of his eyes on her.

What is good about this story is that you say it is a fantasy, but it begins with much more substance than a few dragons and magic wands. We get a sense of the people in the story, and perhaps why they will act the way they do later on in the story.

However, I must agree with Sureal when he says there is a lot more telling than showing going on. Like you said, this is your first attempt at a novel, and this is still a very impressive story for it being only your first attempt. But active description is very important. When I first began, I had the exact same problem; luckily, it is very easy to overcome. What helped me the most is to envision the physical surroundings in which the person lives. Atmosphere and the way it looks has a lot to do with the way a person lives. If you can accurately picture in your mind what the person you are writing about is seeing, than it is a lot easier to write with much more description.

Hopefully this made sense. I have a tendency to say things that make perfect sense to me, but none to others.

All in all, a great start, with much potential. I look forward to reading more.

Heh heh, thanks. I think I'll work on that and I can sort of see what you mean. Description is something I over-work in poems and totally ignore in stories! But yeah, I'm trying to edit it, so thanks for the help!

You are info-dumping. Not good.

This isn't a story, it's a biographical. There are character profiles everywhere, but there is no story that unites these characters, let alone introduces them.

There are better ways of introducing your character than by giving us their character profiles.

Introducing them via dialogue, interaction with other characters, or in a scene is vastly superior than just telling us about their past.

In fact, the less you tell us about there past (at least initially) the better.

I rated it R for the appearance of the F-word.