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Warriors: From SIlver Light and Grey Dark: Chapter 2



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Thu Jun 03, 2010 8:33 pm
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Allessandre says...



“Whose kits are they?” A deep voice queried
“They have too much mud on them to smell a thing!” said another cat. Hawkkit moaned
“Stormkit am I dreaming?” She and Stormkit opened their eyes and looked at the patrol around them, none of them smelled right.
“If so, you’re having the same dream as me!” Stormkit looked at the odd cats.
“We should take them to our queens; they are too small to be alone too long.” Hawkkit felt teeth grasp her scruff carefully, and began walking; she began to wake up properly just as they reached what looked like a huge hole in the ground, without pausing the patrol plunged into the cave. As they walked the cave became lighter, as there where tiny holes in the ceiling, letting in light, going down a side tunnel, the patrol put them down at the end,
“Angelfur, these two kits where found in our territory, until we can find their clans, can you care for them?”
“Of course,” the white she-cat purred,
“I’ll take them.” They were laid by the she-cat. “What are your names sweethearts?” she asked as the patrol left.
“I’m Stormkit, and that is my friend Hawkkit, we are lost, who are you?” Stormkit boldly asked the she-cat.
“I am Angelfur, a queen of CaveClan, you don’t happen to know what clan you from?” now that she thought about it, Hawkkit had no idea what clan she was in, she was warm at least, and so was Stormkit, and she had a feeling they were safe.
• * *
“Wake up dears, the clan is going to the gathering in a moon, and they need your names.” Angelfur awoke them softly. Hawkkit turned to the warriors,
“I’m Hawkkit, and he’s my friend Stormkit, my mother is Silvermist, and I have a sister, Wildkit,” Stormkit jumped into the conversation,
“and my mother is Sandshadow, and I have two siblings Sunkit and Skykit, oh yeah and the Medicine cat is Treeflower, the medicine cat apprentice is Sandpaw, and there is a warrior named Rainshadow who showed us around, and the deputy is um .” he trailed off here but Hawkkit picked up his sentence,
“Floralheart and the leader was um… oh, yeah Woodstar.” The cats stared at them,
“Your BushClan cats?” a gray tom asked. “They must have traveled a long ways. We should return them to their home.” Hawkkit was once again picked up.
“Wait!” she cried,”Why didn’t you just smell us when you found us?”
“Well, first of all, you were covered in mud, and our clan needs new kits anyway. “ The tom said gruffly.
“You were not going to take us back or mention us at the meeting you liar!” The toms ignored Stormkit’s outburst and began to pad out of the cave. After the journey to the border, one of the toms spoke
“We are leaving you here, hopefully a patrol will find you,” He dropped her and Stormkit fell beside her.
“Wait, but…” Hawkkit trailed off, the toms had already disappeared into the forest.
“What if a patrol doesn’t come?” Stormkit’s worried mew filled the forest around them.
“Then the clan will have lost a pretty warrior, and a kind one.” She purred in amusement at the memory of his mistake.
“You are pretty Hawkkit.” He padded over and sat with his pelt pressed against her, purring, she rested her head on his shoulder
“I hope that patrol takes their time.” She murmured. They curled up together, and fell asleep.
GENERATION 30: The first time you see this, copy it into your sig on any forum and add 1 to the generation. Social experiment.
  





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Wed Jun 09, 2010 2:48 am
Bugwhisker says...



Nice chapter, Allessadre!

One thing I noticed, though, was that grammar was an issue... it's easy to fix! Example:

“Angelfur, these two kits where found in our territory, until we can find their clans, can you care for them?”


Instead:

"Angelfur, these two kits were found in our territory. Until we can find their Clans, can you care for them?"


Also, unless love is a central conflict, I wouldn't bring it in so early. At this point, I'm guessing Hawkkit is... a moon or two old? Much too young to have even a crush. (Sorry if I'm getting this wrong... I do have a tendency to do that. :lol:)

I hope I'm not sounding too harsh. :D If I am, I apologize.

~~Bugwhisker
  








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