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Red Eyes- Chapter 1 Slain Dragon



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Wed Apr 02, 2008 2:07 am
Maki-Chan says...



Red Eyes
Bleach Fan-Fiction
By: Maki-Chan





Chapter 1
Slain Dragon

It was snowing in the forest outside of Karakura town. In the early morning.
The snow already on the ground covered up the path from Maki's cabin to the area where she collected firewood. She walked down the snowy path. Maki didn't need a big bulky coat since she was used to the cold, so instead she wore a grey jacket. If fact she learned to love it. Removing her hands from her jacket pockets she raised them upwards, palms facing up. She had black fingerless gloves on. With each snowflake that fell on her hand a small white spot appeared against the black color, then quickly vanished.


Gazing up at the cloudy morning sky, she stuck out her tongue to catch the newly falling snowflakes in her mouth. A few minuets passed of trying to catch the tiny snowflakes, then Maki stopped and returned to walking down the path. A small breeze blew gently past her face. Thanks to the hat she wore on her head, the breeze could not push her short brown hair back.
Walking through the snowy path, Maki's dark grey jeans began to dampen at the bottoms, so she stopped and rolled them up a few inches, revealing her black snow boots. On her hip was her bag, and in it was her hatchet.


Maki breathed in the cool air." Ah, now this is very nice. Nothing beats a snowy day like this."


She enjoyed the snowy days in the forest. Even though the trees were far apart, you can see a good distance away. Everything was white, like a winter wonderland! Just the way she liked it. "I wish it stay like this all year long. Maybe I should move farther north..." She stopped.


Something was lying in the snow. There was an oddly shaped bump, covered in snow. Maki stared at it. Curious she walked over to it. After she was right next to it she poked the bump with her boot. It was soft, now she realized what it truly was- a person. Maki knelt on the ground and began to uncover the snow. As the snow began to be wiped away, it revealed a boy. She scooped the snow off him faster. "No, no, no!" she whispered.


Now the snow was mostly off, it revealed a freezing boy. He was slumped over on his stomach. There was no apparent wound on him, but Maki turned him on his back to check his pulse. "Don't be dea,." she begged.


Maki didn't know him, but she didn't want to have a dead body on her land. She didn't want to deal with that at all. The brown haired girl was trembling, and the cold weather only made it worse. She tried to relax, but it wouldn't stop. Soon her frustration won. She zipped his jacket off and placed her ear on his chest. Carefully she listened for a heartbeat. Nothing. Instantly and with out a thought Maki opened his mouth. "Good, his mouth is empty," she murmured to herself.


Then she pressed her two hands together on his chest. Then she pushed up and down. Matching her arm pounding with her heart beat. "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, " she whispered after every push.


Then after the tenth she stopped and pintched his nose shut. Taking a deep breath, Maki placed her lips on his. They were chapped and icy against Maki's warm soft lips. She breathed into his mouth, forcing air down his throat and into his lungs. With any luck he would begin breathing again.


She continued this, on and on for what seemed forever to her. When it was only ten minutes. Maki refused to stop. She had to at least do something, instead of being worthless. Maki stopped, and placed her ear on his chest once again. Listening, a small heart beat was pounding in his chest. She raised her head back up and wiped her forehead. "Thank goodness. He's alive," she panted.


She was exhausted from too much work in the cold. Its one thing to work in the summer, but another to do hard labor in the winter. If you sweat you can get hypothermia. Once she caught her breath again, she placed her hand on his cheek. It was cool, almost as cold as the snow. Maki blushed. She hadn't realized when she was saving him, but he was quite handsome. The white haired boy seemed so peaceful asleep.


Though his skin was tan, his hair was a pure white. He must of dyed it. The white haired boy was wearing a plain white tank top with a green baggy navy jacket. Loosely around his throat was a soft blue scarf. Maki hadn't noticed but his slightly tight dark blue jeans only went down to his ankles to reveal the brown snow boots covering his feet.


Maki broke from her trance and started to think of what to do next. " The hospitals three hours away. I don't think he'll last that long. My cabin's only thirty minutes away by foot. Yeah I should take him home..." she trailed off.


The very phrase 'take him home' seemed to disturb her. At least he wasn't awake to hear it. Maki stood up and looked around, wondering what had happened. But she soon stopped looking around. Maki tried to pick him up. "Ugh. Why do you have to be heavy?" she moaned.


Truth was he wasn't really heavy. Maki was just a weakling, when it came to lifting things. She heaved him onto her back, almost falling over. "This is much harder than I thought it would be. Stupid movies with their making it look easy," Maki groaned.


Slowly she started to walk back up the path to her cabin, while carefully holding the boy on her back. Unbeknowist to her, a monster spotted them both and came towards them. It was ready for the hunt.


*I hope you all can read this. Is it spread apart far enough?*
Last edited by Maki-Chan on Wed Apr 02, 2008 9:52 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Wed Apr 02, 2008 4:36 am
PsychicNinja says...



Hey. Here to crit. Like always.

Btw, I always thought that Maki was a guy's name...?

There was snow already on the ground, covering up the path from Maki's cabin to the area where she collected firewood.


I suggest revising this. "The snow already on the ground covered up the path from...firewood."

It sounds more fluent that way. ^^

She walked down the covered path.


You already told me it was covered. Perhaps finding a different adjective?

Dressed in a grey jacket, she didn't need a big bulky coat. Maki was used to the cold.


YOu like short and sweet sentences, don't you? A few short sentences are good, but in a case like this, you can put it together to make it flow better.

"Maki didn't need a big bulky coat because she was used to the cold, so she dressed in a grey jacket."

Of course, I suggest using different word choice, but you probably get the idea.

She had black fingerless gloves on, and with each snowflake that fell on her hand a small white spot appeared against the black color then quickly vanished.


Here's a key to good sounding writing: If you don't state an apparent thing, like the clothes the character is wearing, it sounds better! Add that she was wearing black fingerless gloves into the next sentence! Just the "black fingerless gloves on" part sound a little...kiddy (for from a kid's book), for lack of a better word.

she stuck out her tung


tung=tongue

After a while of trying to catch the tiny snowflakes, Maki stopped and returned to walking down the path.


Revise the first part of that sentence. The flow of the sentence counts, not just the content. Although I must say, you are getting much better at describing the surrounds and feelings of the character!!

A small breeze flew gently past her face. Thanks to the hat she wore on her head.


Hm...maybe a different word other than 'flew'. Something that get the image/feeling of a breeze. "Thanks to the hat she wore on her head," is a fragment! SUBJECT-VERB-[ACTION] Where's the action in that sentence...thanks to the hat which...what?

Walking through the snowy path, Maki's dark grey jeans began to dampen at the bottoms. But she stopped and rolled them up a few inches, revealing her black snow boots.


Correction: Walking through the snowy path, Maki's dark grey jeans began to dampen at the bottoms, but she stopped and rolled them up a few inches, revealing her black snow boots.

There's some good describing without being so direct and up front like in that other chapter I just critted in your Naruto fanfic!! Good job!

Even though the trees were far apart and you can see a good distance away.


You need to learn about comma usage.

Correction: Even though the trees were far apart, you could see a good distance away.

Everything was white. Like a winter wonderland. Just the way she liked it.


Using three consecutive short sentences is a bit too much.
Correction: Everything was white, like a winter wonderland! Just the way she liked it.

The exclamation mark is for added effect at her feelings.

There was a big bump on the path. A oddly shaped bump, covered in snow.


"There was an oddly shaped bump covered in snow." There: You got all the description into one sentence. And I believe it still gives the desired effect. ^^

It was soft. Now she realized what it truly was. A person.


How about, "It was soft...like a person!" Okay, that sounds bad, but something of the like. You should combine at least the first two of those sentences.

Once the snow began to be wiped away, it revealed a boy.


It should be "As the snow..."

And this is a complex sentence, so you need a comma separating the indepedent and dependent clauses!

"no, no, no!" She whispered.


*sighs* Here: "No, no, no!" she whispered.

Now the snow was mostly off, it revealed an albino boy.


It should be, "Now that the snow..."

Hm...given that this boy was covered in snow and probably very frozen, she may not be able to tell right away that he was albino. Albino is a trait in which there is not pigment in the skin, hair...nothing. And I think (not exactly sure) that albinos have red eyes?? Right?? I could be completely wrong. How 'bout saying that the boy had white hair...and the color of his eyes too.

"don't be dead." She begged.


*sighs again* Here: "Don't be dead," she begged.

Maki didn't know him, but she didn't want anyone to blame her for murder.


She automatically assumes that she would be blamed for murder? That's a bit big considering she could be holding a dying/dead boy in her arms. At this point, she should be much more concerned about this boy's condition, not if she would be blamed for murder! This doesn't make much sense...

She tried to relax but it wouldn't stop.


This is a compound sentence so..."She tried to relax, but it wouldn't stop."

"Good, his mouth is empty," She murmured to herself.


Yay! *dances* at least you got the comma in there! ^^ NOw you just need to put 'she' in lower case!

I also added in a needed comma there.

." 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10." she whispered after every push.


1) I think you need to spell out each of those numbers. (A pain, I know >.<)
2) Put spaces between each of the numbers/commas.
3)Put a comma after '10' instead of a period,

Then after the 10th she stopped and clenched his nose shut.


I believe you need to spell out '10th'.

And it should be 'pinched' and not 'clenched'.

Taking a deep breath Maki placed her lips on his.


Here: Taking a deep breath, Maki placed her lips on his.

COMMA!

They were soft and cool against Maki's warm chapped lips.


Wouldn't his lips be frozen and not soft? And cold instead of cool?

With any luck he would cough to force the carbondioxied out.


Um...that doesn't make much sense...and you spelled carbon dioxide out.

But it would sound better if you'd say, "With any luck, he would get some oxygen into his frozen body."

When it was only 10 minutes.


It should be: "But it had only been ten minutes."

She raised her head back up, and wiped her forehead.


That is an unnecessary comma, since they are not two independent clauses.

"Thank goodness. He's alive." She panted.


Corrected: "Thank goodness. He's alive," she panted.

She was exhausted from to much work in the cold.


'to' should be 'too'

Its one thing to work in the summer but another to do hard labor in the winter.


Corrected: It's one thing to work in the summer, but another to do hard labor in the winter.

I think you need that comma there...but you might not...

When if you sweat you can get hypothermia.


This sentence makes no sense. You should clear this up.

Once she caught her breath again. She placed her hand on his cheek.


Correction: "Once she caught her breath again, she placed her hand on his cheek."
Complex sentence here.

It was surprisingly cool. Almost as cold as the snow.


Um...why would it be surprising cool? I mean, he was dead covered in snow?!!!

Though his skin was tan, his hair was a pure white.


COMMA!

Maki hadn't noticed but his slightly tight dark blue jeans only went down to his ankles. To reveal the brown snow boots covering his feet.


"To reveal...feet," isn't a complete sentence. So to fix it: Maki hadn't noticed but his slightly tight dark blue jeans only went down to his ankles to reveal the brown snow boots covering his feet.

" The hospitals 3 hours away. I don't think he'll last that long. My cabin's only 30 minutes away by foot. Yah I should take him home..." She stopped.


Spell out your numbers!!

Yah should be Yeah.

And it should be 'she trailed off' instead of "stopped".

Maki stood up and looked around. Wondering what had happened. But she soon stopped.


Correction: Maki stood up and looked around, wondering what had happened to him. But she soon stopped.

And I don't get it...stopped what? Thinking? Looking? It's kinda hard to tell...

Ugh. Why do you have to be heavy?" She moaned.


"She" doesn't need to be capitalized!!!

She heaved him onto her back, but she almost fell over.


This is fine, but I thought of a way to make it better! "She heaved him onto her back, almost falling over in the process."

*shrugs* Just a suggestion.

"This is much harder than I thought it would be. Stupid movies with their making it look easy," Maki groaned.


Just a few corrections in there.

Slowly she started to walk back up the path to her cabin. Carefully holding the boy on her back.


Correction: Slowly she started to walk back up the path to her cabin, while carefully holding the boy on her back.

Ready for the hunt.


Either you should connect this to your last sentence or say "It" was ready for the hunt.
_______________________________________________________________________

Ha! I think you spread this too far apart! But, yes, I can read it fine.

Good job! You are improving in your descriptions and getting into the feelings of your character! You still need to work on the grammar and dialogue tagging stuff, though. ^^

This sounds like a good potential plot! Is this a flashback, then? I mean considering your prologue...

And also, what time period is this set in? I mean, is it in the real world? Soul Society? Because if this is Shirou-kun and it is in the real world it wouldn't make much sense, I don't think. I just see how it turns out, though!

Happy writing!
~Timea
"Look, Ma. No hands"
"You haven't got a ma."
"Maybe a nice old lady will adopt me. I'm very loveable."
―Fi and Darman
  





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Wed Apr 02, 2008 8:48 pm
GryphonFledgling says...



Daaang... Timea got to you first.

Well, just about everything I was going to point out to you has been caught, so I won't bother repeating it.

My big critique comes from the albino boy. If he is indeed albino, his hair can most certainly be white without dyeing and his skin would be extremely pale, almost pasty, not tan. As is, he just sounds like his hair was bleached (of course, we haven't seen his eyes - which, from the title, I assume will be red).

How old is Maki? Why is she living alone? Very nice character trait about liking the cold. I love the cold myself. :)

(Ha, having just spilled my guts here, I realized that this is a fan-fic. I'll say right now that I don't know anything about 'Bleach', but I guess my review still applies...)

*thumbs up*

Nice stuff!

~GryphonFledgling
I am reminded of the babe by you.
  





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Wed Apr 02, 2008 9:11 pm
Maki-Chan says...



I'll fix it up. Also Maki is 15, she lives alone cause she finished school already. She is really smart but acts normal.


The boy is Hitsugaya, and he isn't the one with the red eyes.

Timea I am sorry for causing you so much trouble. I'll make sure your teachings stick with me on chapter 2.
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Thu Apr 03, 2008 1:07 am
PsychicNinja says...



Gryphon-chan, Shirou-kun's eyes are blue/green...so he really isn't an albino. Bleach is awesome!!

Haha, that's okay, Maki-chan. ^_^ I enjoy helping other writer's become better. YWS helped me a lot. Just keep improving and learning!You'll get the hang of it. This chapter was better in your describing, so I enjoyed it better, too!

I'm still kinda confused about the time period this takes place. It takes place in the real world, right? Not the Soul Society?

~Timea
"Look, Ma. No hands"
"You haven't got a ma."
"Maybe a nice old lady will adopt me. I'm very loveable."
―Fi and Darman
  





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Thu Apr 03, 2008 1:24 am
Maki-Chan says...



yes the real world. I couldn't remember the name of Ichigo's town. What is it? I think it starts with a K?
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Thu Apr 03, 2008 11:33 pm
PsychicNinja says...



Sorry, Maki-chan, but this makes no sense if it's in the real world. It should take place in the Soul Society. Some part of the Rukongai with snow. Then it would work perfectly.

It's called Karakura Town (or sometimes they call it City).

I think you should do much more research before starting to write a fanfic, so you would know these things. There's tons of stuff on Bleach fansites. Not to mention the Oh-great-wise-knowledgeable-ruler-of-all Wikipedia. ^_^

So then it takes place in the outskirts of Karakura Town? (which wouldn't make much sense, seeing as from the faraway pics and the weather--it's pretty mild.)

~Timea
"Look, Ma. No hands"
"You haven't got a ma."
"Maybe a nice old lady will adopt me. I'm very loveable."
―Fi and Darman
  





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Thu Apr 03, 2008 11:51 pm
Maki-Chan says...



well its a light snow and it does snow there. Its near by. But not on the outskirts.
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Wed Jun 16, 2010 8:29 am
Wolfy says...



was the boy supposed to be toshiro hitsugaya? srry if i just ruined it.......
  








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