Young Writers Society

Chapter 2
The hunter and the prey.


With a steady pace, Maki walked down the snow covered path to her cabin. Slightly leaning forward, she prevented the boy on her back from falling off. With each time Maki made a step, a new deeper foot print appeared in the snow, Because of the boy's added weight. She was panting heavily. "I hope I get home soon,"


Far behind her a huge creature with a colorful mask on, slowly and quitely following her trail. He was hungry and wished to dine upon the injured human boy. It crept closer and closer. Maki stopped in her tracks. She felt it- a strange presence. A powerful shriek shook through out her.It was such a horrible cry, Maki almost dropped the boy to cover her ears. It walked towards her, getting closer and closer. With each step it made, the ground shook underneath it. She didn't move, stiff with fear. It came closer and closer.

Move, move, move, move!" Maki screamed in her head.

She wanted to scream, but the fear took hold of her voice. It was like she was frozen in time, not moving or speaking. Even her breathing slowed, as her heart pounded harder and faster. Then the boy on her back moaned. This broke Maki's trance. With great speed she turned around, away from the monster, and ran. The monster's footsteps became louder and more frequent. It was chasing her, or more like hunting her.

With the boy on her back and the snow on the ground, Maki's running was very slow. The beast easily caught up with her. Then it jumped over Maki, in front of her. She stopped, staring into the eyes of the beast, which were black and empty. A cold sweat beated down her neck. Making all her hair stuck up as her fear took hold of her body. Maki stopped breathing for a moment, as the monster's huge fist came towards her. It happened all too fast for her. The fist, the impact and the pain. She was punched into the air and fell back to earth, creating a loud thump.

She didn't even scream. It was so fast, Maki didn't even realize what had happened until she landed in the snow, about fifteen feet away. Everything was blurry and fuzzy in her head. She looked over to see the monster hunched over the boy, ready to eat him. Ignoring the pain, Maki forced herself up on her feet- to get the beast's attention to her and away from the sleeping boy.

"I-I can't let him get eaten. I-it just isn't right. He is now my responsibility. I won't allow him to die," Maki stuttered.

Taking slow steps, she limped towards the monster. Reaching into her hip pack, she took out her hatchet. She couldn't think about the pain, or being eaten. The only thing she kept in the front of her mind was the boy, and saving him. Keeping this one thought allowed her to inherit a strength inside herself and fight back. Her grip on the hatchet was so tight, it made her hands bleed.

As the monster bent over the boy his moth began to open. "Stupid Fucker!" She roared at it.

The monster looked over at her. Maki took another step towards it. "I CAN STILL FIGHT!" She yelled.

Maki's eyes widened, at what she saw. The monster smiled! It smiled at her, the fact of her being able to fight brought it joy. "OR DO YOU THINK YOU CAN'T WIN!!!" Maki added.

The monster stood back up, and walked over the boy, towards Maki. Gritting her teeth she pushed herself forward, and into battle. Even though her whole entire body ached in unearthly pain, she kept going. It didn't matter to her. Once she set her mind to something she would see it through to the end.

The monster ran towards her, the sound of its panting made it feel even more animal- like. The hunter and the hunted, only the strongest survive. At any moment the odds could change, and the hunter could become the hunted. But Maki knew this was very unlikely would be the case.

The monster sent it's fist towards Maki, but this time she jumped to the side. Taking this chance Maki swung her hatchet at the monster's arm. It made contact, creating a fountain of blood- spreading red across the white snow, tainting it. The monster cried out in pain, making Maki cover her ears.

"Stupid thing! SHUT UP!" She yelled at it.

Infuriated the monster suddenly grabbed Maki with its other hand, squeezing her. Maki screamed as it squeezed harder and harder. "Stupid human! I'm going to make you suffer for taking my right hand!" it growled.

The brown-haired girl stared at it, amazed that it could talk. Then the pain returned, as her ribs began to break. Still holding onto the hatchet Maki, hacked at the monster's wrist, causing it to release her. Instead of just falling onto the ground, she landed on her feet. This gave her a chance to attack. Sprinting towards the monster's head, Maki jumped at it. With one swing she sliced its head in half.

The beast let out one last agonizing scream, which eventually faded into silence.

Maki wiped her sweat off her face. She still had the hatchet in her hands, a death grip around it. The brown haired girl fell into the snow. Carefully she released the hatchet, revealing her blood-soaked hands. She stared at them in disbelief. "I-I can't believe it. I never knew this would be so hard," Maki mumbled to herself.

She remembered watching movies, and how the characters killed monsters with ease, with out eve a second glance. Maki however discovered the cruel truth, it was so much harder in real life. "Stupid movie stuff," Maki panted.



Then she turned to face the boy; he was still lying there in the snow. He seemed to be alright the monster never had the chance to harm him. Maki crawled to him; she was too weak to get up. "At least you're OK," Maki reassured herself.


Standing up, she grabbed the boy's arms and began to gently drag him towards her cabin. As she went farther down the path, her cabin came into view.




*Well how was that?*

Hey Maki-Chan.

Critting as I read:

With a steady pace Maki walked down the snow covered path to her cabin.

You need a comma between 'pace' and 'Maki'.

Each time Maki made a step, a new foot print appeared in the snow.

I notice how you're trying to add more description, but this is pretty obvious to me. Obviously, if there's snow on the ground, and Maki's walking in the snow, she's gonna leave a footprint. XP
So instead, I suggest giving a more detailed description about the footprint, or even something else in the setting. Maybe something about how the footprints she made were deeper than usual because of the weight of the boy? *shrugs* I don't know.

Far behind her a huge creature with a colorful mask on, following her trail.

You're missing the verb before the comma. The huge creature with a colorful mask on...what? Something's missing.

She felt it, a strange presence.

This is where you would use a hyphen. Or a colon. "She felt it--a strange presence." Like that.

A powerful shriek pounded against her.

I don't think pounded is the word you're looking for, since a shriek is a noise. I can't think of any other words at the moment (a little brain dead here), but you can always use a thesaurus!

Such a horrible cry, Maki almost dropped the boy to cover her ears.

Over here, you're missing the subject. Perhaps, "It was such a horrible cry..."

"Move, move, move, move!" Maki screamed in her head.

If these are the thoughts in her head, the quotation marks aren't necessary. Italics instead.

With the boy on her back, and the snow on the ground. Maki was running very slow.

This first sentence is a fragment, since it contains no subject. But all you need to do is connect these two sentences.

She stopped, staring into the eyes of the beast, a cold sweat beated down her neck.

Right about now, I would explain how the beast looked. And, if I am right, and this beast is a Hollow, you need to explain how it had a different sort of feel to it. Something not human. So description and Maki's thoughts added into the description is what's needed here.

Making all her hair stuck up.

This sentences contains no subject as well. What made all her hair stand up? You can either add a subject, like 'it' to make this a sentence, or you can add it to the sentence previous to this one.

It was so fast, Maki didn't even realize what had happened until she landed in the snow, 15 feet away.

First, you need to spell out the word "fifteen". Second, since Maki doesn't have a measuring tap, you should put "about fifteen feet away." instead.

Everything was blurry, and fuzzy in her head.

The comma isn't necessary, I don't think.

Ignoring the pain, Maki forced herself up on her feet. To get the beast's attention to her and away from the sleeping boy.

Again, the second part isn't a sentence since it doesn't have a subject. All you need to do is connect the last part to the first sentence.

Taking slow steps and limped towards the monster.

This doesn't contain a subject. You need to say "she took" to make it a sentence.

Reaching into her hip back she took out her hatchet.

You need a comma between 'back' and 'she'. Is 'back' supposed to be 'pack'?

Her grip on the hatchet was tight, making her hands bleed.

How about "Her grip on the hatchet was so tight, it made her hands bleed."?

The monster bent over the boy his moth began to open. "Stupid F*&%@!" She roared at it.

The first part should be "As the monster bent over the boy, his mouth began to open." And I don't think the random symbols used to bleep out the word aren't used in writing. So either you spell out the word, or you can possibly (you might want to research and make sure) add in asterisks or hyphens??

The monster ran towards her, the sound of its panting made it feel even more animal like.

You need a hyphen between 'animal' and 'like'.

It made contact, creating a fountain of blood. Spreading red across the white snow, making it tainted.

The second part is not a sentence. No subject, again. To fix this, you might want to connect to the previous sentence, or add a subject to it. And instead of 'making it tainted," it should be "tainting it."

"Stupid human! I'm going to make you suffer for taking my right hand!" It growled.

You don't need to capitalize 'it' in the tag.

The brown haired girl stared at it. Amazed that it could talk.

You need a hyphen between 'brown' and 'haired'. Also, connect the second part to the first sentence because "amazed that..." isn't a sentence. It has no subject, once again.

Then the pain returned, as her ribs began to brake.

At first, I thought, "Brake? A car?" Then I realized you used the wrong form of that word. It's "break."

Still holding onto the hatchet Maki hacked at the monster's wrist, making it drop her.

Comma between 'hatchet' and 'Maki." And you should think of something else instead of "making it drop her." Something more descriptive.

Carefully she released the hatchet, revealing her blood soaked hands.

You need a hyphen between 'blood' and 'soaked'.

"Stupid, movie, stuff," Maki panted.

You don't need any commas in there.

Then she turned to face the boy, he was still lying there in the snow.

A comma there wouldn't work. You need a semicolon (;) instead.

He seemed to be alright, the monster never had the chance to harm him. Maki crawled to him, she was too weak to get up.

These two sentence are the same as the last one. Although using too many semicolons isn't good. Both of the phrases separated by your commas can be two separate sentences, therefore, need to be separated in some way. You can use semicolons (I suggest using only one in this paragraph) or conjunctions (and, but, or, for, yet,so). ^_^
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Overall, this was very nice. You are improving at your grammar!! Yay! This part is very nice because it shows Maki's character--her will! It was very descriptive, although you could still add in details about the Hollow and Maki's thoughts about it.

I'll keep waiting for more!

Keep on writing,
Timea

^_^ Hurray! I am gald you enjoyed it Timea! I'll correct and add more detail about the hollow and how Maki felt about it.

Awesome. I can really tell that you're improving, Maki-chan. Good work.

~Timea

^_^ Thank you. I hope you like chapter 3

it is hitsugaya isnt it?!?!?!?!........