Young Writers Society

Chapter 3
Hitsugaya




The white-haired boy opened his eyes to see he was in a log cabin room. The room was dark and warm. He sat up out of the covers and looked around. He didn't know how he got here. As The blanket fell off his stomach; the boy realized that he was not wearing his cloths from before, but rather a clean pair of black sweats and a white T-shirt.

"Where am I?" he wondered.

Quietly he left the bed and stood on the fuzzy brown carpet. Walking towards the door he noticed something was strange: It was too quiet. If someone had saved him, they would be up and about, or at least he would think so. He peaked his head out into the other room; outside the bedroom was a living room. It was practicly the same as the bedroom. It had the same dark brown colored walls and light brown shaggy carpet- except for a couch, coffee table and a fireplace. Then he spotted something. It was a young girl, sleeping on the couch. He walked over to her, examining her carefully.

Exsamining her quickly he noticed, a beauty mark just under her left eye. Her angled brown colored bangs covered her right eye, but the left was uncoverd. Her nose was small and was roundish. She wore a bright orange t-shirt, and grey sweat pants. Her slow and steady breathing seemed to make the room more peacful. The gap between the boy and the girl slowly decreased; as he walked towards her.


"She's defantly huma..." he stopped.

The girl opened her hazel-colored eyes, staring into the boy's own blue-green eyes. She smiled. "I'm glad to see you're awake."

The boy rubbed his head. "Yeah."

" I'm Maki Hiroshi, if you are wondering who I am," she answered before he asked.

"I am Toushirou Hitsugaya," he answered.

Maki tilted her head. "Wow, Toushiruo you have a really fancy name. Mine's just plain and simple, just the way I am. But... Can I call you something else?"

Toushiruo stared at her. "What?! What's wrong with my name?"

She just giggled. "I'm not sure what to call you, but I'll think of something later."


She arose from the couch, but pain flooded through out her entire body causing her to flinch. "She's in pain, but why?" Toushiruo wondered.

"What is it, Hiroshi?" he asked in concern.

Maki lightly chuckled. " I don't like being called by my last name, it sounds too formal. I'm not that fancy."

Toshiruo sighed. "Fine, Maki, are you injured?"

Maki smiled. " I got hurt when I was...." She stopped.

The whited-haired boy walked closer to her. "Tell me."

Maki rubbed her shoulder. "Ummm...welll, you'll probably think I'm crazy but.... There was a-a monster."

Tuoshirou's eyes widened. "You can see Hollows?"

The brown-haired girl stared at him. "What did you call it? Hollow? Yeah I saw it. It tried to eat you, but I stopped it."

He then saw Maki's Band-Aids that covered most of her upper body. Tuoshirou felt bad. "If I hadn't of been so helpless she wouldn't of been hurt." He thought.


Maki imped to the kitchen of the cabin. "Tuoshirou I made some chicken soup, you want some?" She asked.

He nodded slightly. "Sure."


Grabbing two bowls and spoons, she filled each bowl with chicken soup, and stuck the spoon in the bowl. Bringing it back to the couch, Tuoshiou had eased himself on the couch. Maki placed the bowls on the coffee table and sat on the couch but made sure to keep a distance between herself and the short boy.

The two began to sip the soup. An awkward silence passed between them, but they both kept on sipping. Suddenly Tuoshirou announced. "Thanks for saving me, but I need to go back into town."

Maki shook her head. "Not with out a snowmabeal. I'll take you there myself. I can't afford for you to stop breathing again... By the way, what did happened?"

The white-haired boy sighed, deeply annoyed. He was tired and didn't want to get into explaining things anymore. So he just said. "Sure."




*Did i do good with portraying hitsugaya's persanality?*

Konbanwa, Lizzy-chan.

Critting as I go:

The white haired boy opened his eyes, to see he was in a log cabin room.

You need a hyphen between "white" and "haired". You can also take out the comma.

He rose out of the bed and looked around.

I think you can explain more about him getting out of bed. "Rose" is good word choice, but I think that you can explain more in regaurd to his condition. Like he was tired, sore, or thirsty...something like that connecting to how he got out of bed.

He didn't know how he got here. The blanket fell off his stomach. He realized that he was not wearing his cloths from before, but rather a clean pair of black sweats and a white T-shirt.

You repeat "he" too many times. It's redundant. These are also very short sentences (the first two) so I suggest expanding or connecting them in some way.

"Where am I?" He wondered.

Don't capitalize the "he".

Walking towards the door he noticed something was strange, it was too quiet.

Correction: "Walking towards the door, he noticed something was strange: It was too quiet."

If someone had saved him they would be up and about.

Add a comma between "him" and "they". This sentence is also unnecesarry because the previous sentence is implying this thought.

He peaked his head out into the other room, outside the bedroom was a living room.

INstead of a comma there, you need a semicolon. Both of those clauses are independent.

It was practicly the same as the bedroom, except for a couch, coffee table and a fireplace.

You need to SHOW us how iit was practically the same as the bedroom. EXPLAIN how it's the same, not just plainly state it. It sounds dry that way.

It was Maki, sleeping on the couch.

Since he doesn't know who Maki is...you cant say that it was here!!!!!!! This is fantastic opportunity to explain how Maki looks! Take out this sentence and then after your next sentence add in how Maki looks. For example: "It was a young girl with [insert color here] hair and [insert other physical traits here]." Something like that. And then use the examing (although I would choose a different word) sentence and explain more of how Maki looked and Toushirou's feelings/thoughts (they don't necessarily have to be directed/have to do with Maki). I"m assuming it's Toushirou, right? ^_~

Maki opened her hazel colored eyes, staring into the boy's own blue green eyes.

"hazel" and "colored" need a hyphen between them. So does blue-green. When did Toushirou walk over to Maki? I missed that action. You need to add in stuff like that. You know the location on the "set" of all your characters. The reader doesn't.

"Yeah,"

Period instead of comma.

" I'm Maki Haruno, if you are wondering who I am." She answered before he asked.

O_O I suggest finding a different name than Haruno...it reminds me too much of Sakura. My brother just actually found a great site with Japanese surnames and their meanings!!

Correction: "I'm Maki Haruno, if you are wondering who I am," she answered before he asked.

"I am Toshiruo Hitsugaya." He answered.

Aww...you were getting better at dialogue tags...remember: comma, quotation makr, lower case subject!! You also spelled his name wrong. It's Toushirou. You can take out the "u"s if you want. They're just the accents.

He defended himself against Maki's response.

You definetly don't need this sentence!! This is very apparent because of the previous dialogue! This kind of sentence is totally unnecessary and shouldn't be used.

She arose from the couch, flinching from the sudden movement.

Instead of putting that second part, add that into how she got up from the couch. What she felt when she got up. Stuff like that. Same thing like what I said when Shirou-kun got up from the bed. ^_^

Toshiruo noticed her pain and wondered how she was hurt.

Instead of just flat out saying this, you should actually voice Shirou-kun's thoughts.

"What is it Haruno?" he asked in concern.

First of all, you need a comma after "it" because he is addressing Maki. And second, is this written in semi-Japanese, where they sometimes refer to each in last names? Or in English? If you write it just plain English, I suggest Shirou-kun calling her Maki.

Maki gaze a light chuckle.

Um, a typo here. Is "gaze" "gave"? Because neither of those words work.

Toshiruo sighed. "Fine, Maki what is wrong with you?"

You need a second comma after Maki. I don't think he would ask "what is wrong with you?" He would say "are you hurt'?" or something.

she stopped.

You need to capitalize "she" here. It's a new sentence.

The whited haired boy walked closer to her. "Tell me."

You need a hyphen between "white" and "haired" again.
________________________________________________________________________

I'll continue the crit soon.
Sorry I can't put it all into one. I have to go. Sorry!

Good job so far,
~Timea

I'm back!

Toshiruo's eyes widened. "You can see hollows?"

I believe that Hollows need to be capitalized. Like Soul Reaper.

You keep spelling Toushirou wrong.

The brown haired girl stared at him.

"Brown" and "haired" needs a hypehn between them.

He then saw Maki's bandaids, that covered most of her upper body.

Since Band-Aids are a technically a brand but is commonly used, you need to write it like I did there. Or you can just say bandages, And you don't need that comma.

Toshiruo felt bad, for his weakness.

This is a weird sentence that doesn't fit in. And you don't need that comma. You need to explain this idea perhaps in a few sentences. This sentence is pretty random. You need to start a new paragraph here and them expand! Tell us Toushirou's weakness and his thoughts!

Maki [s]slowly walked, or more like[/s] limped to the kitchen [s]area[/s] of the cabin.

You don't need those parts.

"Toshiruo I made some chicken soup, you want some?" She asked him.

You need a comma after Toushirou. And put 'she' in lower case. You also need to put a period after 'soup' and capitalize 'you' to start a new sentence. And you don't need the "him" because since there is no one else there, it's pretty apparent who she's asking.

He gave a slight nod.

It should be, "He nodded slightly."

Bringing back to the couch, Toshiruo had seated himself on the couch.

It should be "Bringing it..."
And how about "Toushirou eased himself into the couch."

Maki placed the bowls on the coffee table and sat on the couch, but making sure there was a space between them.

Corrected sentence: "Maki placed the bowls on the coffee table and sat on the couch but made sure to keep a distance between herself and the short boy." (Or something like that)

An awkwerd silence past between them, but they both kept on eating the soup.

I would start off by saying, "The two began to sip the soup. An awkward silence passed between them, but they both kept on sipping." You change the way they ate the soup...but something to that effect.

Suddenly Toshiruo announced somehting. "I'm heading back into town."

Ew...this is way to direct! It should be "Suddently, Toushirou announced,"I'm heading back into town."
And I would add "Thank you for rescuing me."

"Not with out a snowmabeal.

I'm not exactly sure how to spell it, but that's not how...

It turned into a question.

This is completly unnecessary. Of course it's a question! 'Nuff said.

The white haired boy sighed, being deeply annoyed.

YOu need a hyphen between "white" and "haired". And it should be "The white-haired boy sighed, deeply annoyed."

He was tired and didn't want to get into any arguments. So he just answered. "Sure."

Arguments? It should be like "he didn't want to start explaining thing." Not exactly that, but something to that effect. And I"m not sure that "sure" answers the question. It should just read, "So he just said, "Sure."
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I think you captured Toushirou's personality very well. There was lots to be added, like more of Toushirou's thoughts and more details of the set (surroundings). So just show, explain, and expand. Other than all that, it's good! I enjoyed it! It made me want to read on! (Bascially how Toushirou got to be where he is.)

Keep on writing,
~Timea

thanks Timea, sorry there were so many mistakes- but my microsoft word got deleted so I have to use note pad. Which has no grammar or spelling check.


I'm glad I made Tuoshirou's personality well, now I won't have to worry about it anymore ^_^


Chapter 4 is on the way, and I hope you like it Timea.

being a huge bleach fan i have a few coments.....


his personality was good, but i doubt that toshiro hitsugaya of all people would pass out- or what- from the cold.....much less get that cold.....but, i dnt no if he was injured or not yet..im just working off the info i have so far.........but other than that it was good.....