Young Writers Society

My other version was a drafter version... this version is probably much better. There will probably be some improvements or grammar... things like that. It'd be nice if you could critise this one like the last.

ALTAIR


Slowly, Altair approached his victim with ease. The crowd was cheering… They were gathered around a wooden platform on which stood two poor souls who were undoubtedly going to be killed.
It was Altair’s job to prevent this from happening. He knew that the man, who stood smugly on the platform, observing his two victims, was not the reason behind all of this. But the man was connected, in some way, to the real reason these souls were going to die.
Altair had a defined feeling of hate towards this man, even though he knew he had nothing to do with the sentencing. Just the fact that was so obvious, the man was going to enjoy the citizens hanging. The sun was low on the horizon, its bright way of telling the city it was going to sleep

Tactics, Altair had them planned out. To cautiously walk towards his prey, then, when the man (hopefully) has his back to the crowd, Altair will strike with the silver hidden blade; that’s one of Altair’s favourite styles of his assassination. This was going to be easy.
This man, whoever he was, would kill the innocents in a matter of moments.
Not going to happen, Altair thought as he pushed his way through the crowd.
The crowd was suddenly quiet. All heads seemed to lock onto Altair, then towards the man on the platform.
The man had seen nothing. He had not noticed the fact that all heads had been on Altair for one second. That would have been the end of his position. He would have to get out of there if he was noticed.
Surely, his white cape and hood could mistake him for one of the cities scholars. Altair hoped the man hadn’t noticed anyway.
‘Calm yourselves,’ the man said as he walked swiftly around the platform. ‘I am here to sentence these two putrid assassins of attempted murder towards our master.’

Altair felt a strange thud of realisation. The innocents had attempted to murder their ‘master’. John Calder, a ruler who had to die. Altair felt thanks towards the innocents, but not because they had attempted the murder, but because they had realised John’s true motives. Torture. He claims he will bring peace to his kingdom’s civilization. No. He killed those who disobeyed, those who didn’t believe him. He killed them. He took them away and killed them! And then those who stuck up for the Kingdom were forgotten. The people were bribed not to speak of the ‘traitors’ again. Even family. However, what hurt the most was that Altair’s father amongst them. Revenge.
‘I am sure you all feel a hate towards these people for what they attempted,’ the man said with a venomous hiss.
Hate? Towards these people? Surely the men and women would look up to them and surely there would be some in the crowd who lost their loved ones because of their ‘master.’
Altair brushed past a few more people until he was at the very front of the crowd.
‘Watch where you are going young man!’ Somebody hissed at Altair. Altair ignored them.

A sudden sharp intake of breath, the man had stopped moving around the platform. His shadow seemed to be hovering over Altair. Altair could see it on the ground.
‘You!!!’ The man backed away, Altair raised his head. ‘Guards! Seize that man! He is to die! An assassin!’
What? Confusion swam through Altair. What had given him away? Why did the man recognise him? Altair glanced at the man, and realised exactly who he was, an ex-assassin who was supposedly dead. Had Al Mualim (Altair’s previous master who led and betrayed the assassins) let this man off and gave him some form of instructions? Instructing him to do what?
Almost three seconds had gone by when the ex-assassin had noticed Altair. Altair ran.
He ran from the guards. His plan was destroyed. He would have to wait, wait till dawn before he could strike the ex-assassin. But maybe he will have fled the kingdom by then? Altair would have to act sooner.
With one swift movement, Altair skidded to a stop. Guards were surrounding him, swords raised and ready to strike.
‘I will kill you,’ Altair said. He glanced around, and pulled a sword from his belt. An interrogation is a better plan for my fellow ex-assassin, Altair thought, and he began to fight the guards. Slashing them down, one by one.
That’s when Altair ran for the ex-assassin. And he knew exactly where he would find him…


I'll post part two later.

Hey iCarly!! I'm here like you asked! Good story, just a few things.

Slowly, Altair approached his victim with ease. The crowd was cheering. Chanting…

I don't think chanting should have three periods behind it. One would sound better.

They were gathered around a wooden platform on which stood two poor souls who were undoubtedly going to be killed. Hung. Choked. Dead.

If they're going to be killed, we get they're going to be dead. Maybe: "They were gathered around a wooden platform on which stood two poor souls who were undoubtedly going to be killed, hung on the gallows." Or something like that, I just think you shouldn't be so blunt.

But the man was connected, in some way, to the real reason these souls were going to die.

Thats the second time you used "souls" to describe the people. Repetition isn't always a good thing.

Altair had a defined feeling of hate towards this man, even though he knew he had nothing to do with the sentencing.

I espcially like this sentence! XP

‘Calm, people,’ the man said as he walked swiftly around the platform. ‘I am here to sentence these two souls of attempted murder towards our master.’

Use "Calm, people" instead of 'Calm, people' This applies to all the dialogue
Also I would use, "Calm down people" instead.

A sudden sharp intake of breath, the man had stopped moving around the platform.

Who took "A sudden intake of breath"?

Altair felt thanks towards the innocents, but not because they were going to die, but because they had realised John’s true motives.

Why would he feel thanks if they were going to die anyways? Try something else, like "but not because they had tried to kill him, but because they had realised John’s true motives." Or something like that.

I am lazy, so I won't pick at all of it. Great story, I will stay updated and I am looking forward to more of your writing!!

ok thanks for the help! I'll edit.

Hello iCarlyfan! Here as requested How has your christmas been?

Well, on with the review!

Nitpicks!

Slowly, Altair approached his victim with ease.

Good hook. I know nothing about Assassins Creed other than the exciting adverts on the TV. So if I say anything incredibly stupid about Assassins C, ignore me. C:

The crowd was cheering. Chanting… They were gathered...

I agree with Kakali. I don't like the ellipsis after "chanting". Nor do I really like it stuck on it's own. It makes me think it's more important than it is. C:

who were undoubtedly going to be killed. Hung. Choked. Dead.

I'd say the "dead" was a bit redundant, wouldn't you?

to the real reason these souls were going to die.

Think of another word for "souls"?

even though he knew he had nothing to do with the sentencing

That's the second time you've told us this man is not directly connected to this. The first is in the paragraph above.

Just the fact that was so obvious, the man was going to enjoy the citizens hanging.

This is a little confusing, and may need rephrasing. Or maybe replace the comma with a colon.

enjoy the citizens hanging. The sun was low on the horizon

Feels like you should start a new paragraph with the second sentence.

The sun was low on the horizon, its bright way of telling the city it was going to sleep

I'm not sure if "bright" is the right way to describe the sinking sun. Surely if the sun was setting then the light would be getting dimmer? Oh, and you forgot the full-stop at the end...

I've got to go, but I'll finish my review later. Just got to say, so far, this was really good! Maybe you should establish the setting a bit more. Where is Altair? In the crowd? Slinking along alleyways? Perhaps you could have described the appearance of the hated man, it would help the readers build up the same feeling for the character. "Hooded, sly eyes" gives us a stereotypical idea of the character.

Bye for now!

~EmmaJane~

Hello! I'm back! Sorry about that.

To cautiously walk towards his prey, then, when the man (hopefully) has his back to the crowd, Altair will strike with the silver hidden blade;

Okay, get rid of the "hopefully". It's horrible as it makes Altair sound like a complete amateur who's making it up as he goes along. Which I'm sure isn't the case.

This man, whoever he was, would kill the innocents in a matter of moments.

Not sure about the "whoever he was". Sounds like Altair can't be bothered.

Not going to happen, Altair thought as he pushed his way through the crowd.

Italics for thoughts.

All heads seemed to lock onto Altair, then towards the man on the platform.

Do you mean "all eyes seemed to lock onto Altair"? Because "all heads ... lock onto Altair" is slightly weird... If you want to keep the heads, maybe "all heads turned towards Altair"?

The crowd was suddenly quiet. All heads seemed to lock onto Altair, then towards the man on the platform.
The man had seen nothing. He had not noticed the fact that all heads had been on Altair for one second. That would have been the end of his position. He would have to get out of there if he was noticed.

B = You've used basically the same thing twice. Repetition will bore readers.
For the last two sentences I'm unsure of who you're talking about. Guessing Altair, mainly because the last sentence applies to him most. Maybe replace the "he" on "he would have to get out of there" with "Altair" to clear the confusion a little.

The innocents had attempted to murder their ‘master’. John Calder, a ruler who had to die. Altair felt thanks towards the innocents, but not because they had attempted the murder

What's probably annoying me is how you are determined for the reader to understand how the "innocents" do not deserve this and therefore those who are punishing them are BAD. Which, okay, is good in moderation, but it feels to me that everytime you describe the couple you must show us they are squeaky clean and don't deserve what the baddies are putting them through. Just ... chill, and let the reader figure it out themselves. We feel pretty smart and damn pleased with ourselves when we do. Try using less obvious words to describe them which makes us feel on their side. "Prisoners", for example. We understand they've done something "wrong", but we also feel slightly sorry for them because they're held captive and are going to be punished.

He claims he will bring peace to his kingdom’s civilization. No. He killed those who disobeyed, those who didn’t believe him. He killed them. He took them away and killed them!

Slipped into present tense with that first sentence.
St = I understand the impact you're going for with the repetition, but it works without that there.

He claims he will bring peace to his kingdom’s civilization. No. He killed those who disobeyed, those who didn’t believe him.

Again, stick with past tense. And maybe find another word for killed, something more ... hard-hitting. Yeah, I know I said tone it down with the others, but you could get away with it just once... C:
B = LOVE. I don't know why, I just really like it. It's perfect - don't ever lose it!

what hurt the most was that Altair’s father amongst them. Revenge.

Missing a word? "Altair's father was amongst them".
O.o Don't know why you've randomly stuck "revenge" on the end. I think it would sound better, and have more impact, if you got rid of it.

the man said with a venomous hiss.

Ooooh. Love. Definitely building up some feeling of hate towards the character now.

Watch where you are going young man!’ Somebody hissed at Altair. Altair ignored them.

Lowercase "s".
I also quite like the last bit. It makes me edgy.

A sudden sharp intake of breath, the man had stopped moving around the platform.

As said by Kakali, whose intake of breath?

‘You!!!’ The man backed away, Altair raised his head. ‘Guards! Seize that man! He is to die! An assassin!’

Whoa!! Cut down on the exclamation-marks!!! Ha ha, I mean to be hypocritical... O.o I think if you stick in "and" between "backed away," and "Altair" if should sound/flow better.

What? Confusion swam through Altair. What had given him away? Why did the man recognise him? Altair glanced at the man, and realised exactly who he was, an ex-assassin who was supposedly dead. Had Al Mualim (Altair’s previous master who led and betrayed the assassins) let this man off and gave him some form of instructions? Instructing him to do what?

Scrap the "what?" at the start. It's basically the same as the second sentence (which is better, in my opinion, than "what?") and is repeated at the start of the third sentence.
And how convenient that he recognises him now! It would be better if we were still wondering how/why this man recognises Altair and knows he's an assassin. Give us a bit of a mystery to sink our teeth into, and everyone loves a mystery. At the very least, mention briefly how his face could look familiar...

Almost three seconds had gone by when the ex-assassin had noticed Altair

Wow, bit precise there.

I'll post part two later.

No, no! Post it now. Now! Okay, fine. But at least give me a heads up when you do post the next part, pleeease. I really enjoyed it, despite how much I've pulled it apart (sorry). You should've seen some of my stuff a few years ago. :O! But this was really good. A little tweaking and it'll be great. Oh, and whenever I see the ad for Assassins C, I'll automatically think of this.

Happy writing!

~EmmaJane~

OK OK. i get it. there is a lot of work that needs doing. sheeeesh. it makes me feel really awkward... anywaay, thanks everybody for your help. all is appreciated! and i did have italics in the version on word but when i copied it onto this, it didn't show, and i forgot about it.... i really need to work on phrasing my sentences don't i?

Your help is welcome!!!!

Why should you feel awkward? Everyone makes mistakes. And no, not too much work needed. I got a good sense of what was happening, and who was who. Despite knowing nothing of Assassins C, I didn't once feel confused. Well, only a tincy-wincy amount, but only because I wasn't sure what applied to who. It was really good, you should be proud. Be proud!
I find fanfic to be quite hard (which is why you'll find nothing of mine in fanfic...), so again, congrats.



Just ... make sure you get the next part up, really soon, pretty pleeease? I want to know what happens next!

Sorry if I was too harsh in my review.

~Emma

you weren't harsh lol. i was a bit like whoah. lol. anyway. part 2 will be up soon peeps...

I luuurve Assassin's Creed! Sorry lol, just thought I'd mention it!
You were really brave for making an attempt to write a fanfic on it, it's quite difficult so I applaud you for your effort. Well done! Anyway since the nit-picks have been covered I'll just mention a few things:
Mention his name a little less, just my opinion but I think it'll make for a nicer, more flowing read. Another thing, I'm looking forward to the storyline, I'm guessing this is all taking place after the first game. Assassin's Creed is known for it's amazing graphics with all the old-city buildings, mention some of this scenery, just for those who may not know much about the game and the era that it's set in. Apart from that, I'm looking forward to a good storyline which I'm sure you'll deliver.
Best of luck!
*coco

I agree with the person above me Assassins Creed is a great game. I've been planning on buying the sequel soon. Although I'll miss Altair.

Anyway I think you could have described Alair's appearance to the people who are unfamiliar with what Assassins Cred is. You know, his his white hooded cloth, the belt thing around his waist. The fact that he always wears his hood up. How if he keeps his head bowed and his arms up in a sign of prayer he can look just like a holy man.

All that good stuff. But, why didn't you have him go on the rooftops at one point? That;s where the guy belongs! Forgive me, I'm sure you're doing that for the next part. I'm looking forward to it too.

Hey altair does appear in AC2 lol. i love the game. it's amazing. i haven't done part 2 yet coz am busy with other stories, i'm reading and i got homework. lol