Young Writers Society

Adrian watched from his mind. He watched the death of his best friend. Reggie, Regina was the name of that meddling, murdering human girl. As Adrian watched a slow smile spread across his all to human lips. She would have to be taken care of. He walked to the mirror in the hall of the appartment of his human prisoner. On the surface he saw the clear, smiling face of Jared Markos, but, in the eyes he saw the solid form of a well fed Vour. He could see his pointed teeth, glittering with oily purple venom, he saw greasy black hair covering his where his eyes would be, that is if Vours had any eyes instead of spiraling black holes. Then Adrian saw his arms and legs, he was far to small to go out now. Adrian filled his human lungs with air, now was not the time. The girls death would have to wait.

First thing on my mind: I love your signature. I think I may steal it, when I get sick of mine.
NITPICKS

emoticon220 wrote:Adrian watched from his mind. He watched the death of his best friend.

I think these should be put together, something like Adrian replayed in his mind the death of his best friend.
Because its a tad confusing as stands.

emoticon220 wrote:spread across his all to human lips

his all-too-human lips.

emoticon220 wrote:Adrian filled his human lungs with air, now was not the time.

This movement and this thought don't seem to go well together. You can try
Adrian realized, as he filled his human lungs with air, that now was not the time.

OVERALL
I feel like you're put too much in this paragraph. There's intrigued, there's confused but in an intruiged way, and then there's being choked with this much information this quickly.
I almost feel like you should hide some things from me right now, like that the human is a prisoner (is he in his body right now?) or that some girl killed his brother.. I don't know. It was just a lot too take in.
Or you could try expanding the piece.
Anyways, that's my two cents.
*****The Universe******

Adrian is my name.

Hi!!!

Firstly, if I was you, I would wait until I had written a little bit more before I posted, because your post can be as long as you want but for each post you have to write 3 reviews. Might save you some time!

Secondly, down to the nitty-gritty stuff.

Reggie, Regina was the name of that meddling, murdering human girl.

Shouldn't 'Reggie, Regina' be the other way round? Because the way I'm seeing it is that her real name is Regina and her nickname is Reggie, so it might sound better switched.

Secondly, try not to use the characters name so much. Adrian is written quite a few times in that small block.

I am really interested to know what a Vour is! Tell me more!

Forgotten x

I finally read your comment on my profile. Hehe, I had no idea that comment place existed until now. It's cool if you use my name.