Young Writers Society

May 9th - 16 years before The Mockingjay Incident

“We’re going to have to make this quick!” said Haymitch, silently entering the Everdeen home.

“Okay, We’ll be in and out, quick as a flash,” said Finnick. They slowly entered the baby’s room, careful not to make any noise. They looked around for the target. Once they found it, in one fluid motion, Haymitch but some sleep syrup on the baby’s mouth and nose, and removed it from the cradle. Finnick gently deposited the package, and left a note.

Dear Everdeen family,

Katniss is safe. We will take care of her.

Love,
District XIII.

They clambered out of the house silently, and climbed up the ladder into the hovercraft.
“Got what you were looking for, fellas?” said the driver. They didn’t answer. They only showed him what they had taken. A small baby girl, named Katniss Everdeen.

Hi! I'm Narniafreak!

First, I saw this and was like "hunger games? AHHH! I love those books!" Okay. This leaves me with many questions however.

I like how you incorporate Haymitch with Thresh. Two very different people, from different districts and everything. However, there is one problem with this. Thresh is a contestant when Katniss is eligible. Haytmitch was a contestant like 25 years before Katniss. Therefore Thresh would have to be like two or three if Katniss is a baby. He wasn't acting that age.

Second, it says it is May 9th, Katniss was born on May 8th, therefore she is a year old. [I'm sure you know this] But honestly, would a mother, who has just give birth yesterday leave her baby alone in the house? I don't think so. Even if she had a job, I'm sure she'd have weeks to recover. There's not way she'd be well enough to go back to work one day after birthing. Just something to think about.

“We’re going to have to make this quick!” said Haymitch, slowly entering the Everdeen home.

“Okay, I’ll be in and out, quick as a flash.” said Thresh. They slowly entered the baby’s room.

Alright. They are being sneaking so they don't get caught and they want to be "quick". However, you use twice that they "slowly enter". I would change at least one to silently or something about stealth. Otherwise, they aren't even following their own instructions.

Okay! I'm done being picking. I would love to read more of this, though. It will be interesting to see how this ties in with the actual story and why they are stealing Katniss! Maybe, instead of using Thresh [since he'd be too young]use that guy from the second book, Catching Fire, from Distict Four. I can't think of his name but I think it starts with an F. That way you can incorporate different districts, but have them the right ages. Otherwise this was good. I'm sure there were a few grammatical errors or typos but I'm not good at pointing them out so I hope these comments help! Keep writing, I'd love to read more.

-Narniafreak!

P.S. I have always thought of doing a Hunger Games fanfic but am currently awaiting the next book to find out the end before I write too far into my story. I'm thinking of doing Gale's Story [his point of view during all of this].
P.S.S. If you have any questions, need a review of any kind, want more elaboration/help, or post more please feel free to PM and ask/tell away!!!

Oh man, I meant to use him! I don't know why I wrote Thresh!

I'll make changes.

pshh.. that's perfectly okay! I probably would do that on accident too! especially since Thresh is cool, though he died...

A moment of silence for Thresh...

A moment of silence for Rue...

A moment of silence for Glimmer...

A moment of silence for Foxface...

A moment of silence for Marvel...

A moment of silence for Cato... NOT!

Will update the chapter tomorrow morning!

Hello there. My, my, what a short piece.

“We’re going to have to make this quick!” said Haymitch, slowly entering the Everdeen home.

“Okay, I’ll be in and out, quick as a flash.” said Thresh. They slowly entered the baby’s room. They looked around for the target. Once they found it, in one fluid motion, Haymitch but some Sleeper Liquid on the baby’s mouth and nose, and removed it from the cradle. Thresh gently deposited the package, and left a note.

You never end dialogue with a period if you follow with a "this guy said/shouted/barked/whispered, or whatever.

Dear Everdeen family,

Katniss is safe. We will take care of her.

Love,
District XIII.

I do not like how brief the note was. In no way would that satisfy any parent. In fact, it would drive them mad. I know the Capital is brutal, but they don't exactly want to start problems just because they can. Like any system, they're smart.

They clambered out of the house silently, and jumped into the hovercraft.
“Got what you were looking for, fellas?” said the driver. They didn’t answer. They only showed him what they had taken. A small baby girl, named Katniss Everdeen.

Here you transition from using "silently" to "jumped". I would have liked a balancing sentence between the two to understand why the kidnappers decided to make such a swift motion.

And for the latest comment that you posted:

A moment of silence for Thresh...

A moment of silence for Rue...

A moment of silence for Glimmer...

A moment of silence for Foxface...

A moment of silence for Marvel...

A moment of silence for Cato... NOT!

First off, you didn't use any quotation marks. And just a bit of prejudiced pickyness, "NOT" looks very weird. I can't tell you how all caps words drive me crazy, especially when they are overdone.

Another issue I have is, why is that stuff even typed out? Who is saying it or thinking it up? Overall, this needs quite a bit of work. I apologize, I do not like being harsh.

The comment was just a comment... Not part of the story.

Hi Aristotle
I like this prologue, its short, sweet and to the point.
I'm going to read the rest as soon as I can be bothered.
midnightread

I'm in love with the hunger games! I'm glad I found this. Anyways, It was great! But, i have a couple of tips. You said: Said a lot...For example, Haymitch said, Finnick said, The driver said. Maybe you can try saying Haymitch Whispered or something like that? It would bring more of a mood into the story and also it would make sense because you wrote:

“We’re going to have to make this quick!” said Haymitch, silently entering the Everdeen home.

So If he was trying to be silent he could have whispered. Thanks and this is really awesome! Can't wait to read more!