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District XIII - Part One - Chapter I



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Tue Jun 22, 2010 8:24 pm
Aristotle says...



Part One: Childhood (Years 5-9)

Chapter One (May 8th - 11 years before The Mockingjay Incident)

I wake up inside of my underground bedroom, and remember that it’s my birthday.

I hope someone got me a present. I think, although I know that I will get dozens over the day. I’m treated as if I was one of those people who I see on TV, what were they called? Celebrities. Such a funny word. It sounds like: Celebrate trees. I get out of my silk bed, look around my bedroom. The walls are made of rock, because we’re underground. I see the door handle turning. I hold my breath and pretend I’m asleep. My servant/friend/father figure, Oak, enters the room.

“If you want someone to think you’re sleeping, you shouldn’t hold your breath, Katniss” Oak says.

“Thanks. I’ll remember that for when I need to make someone think I’m asleep,” I say. How’s that for silver tongued rapier wit? I may be four, no, five, but I am very smart. People always think I’m just a dwarf adult.

“Well played, my dear, well played.” Oak replies, “Now let’s get you dressed.” He presses a button and the rock doors to my closet open.” We spend an entire hour choosing a dress for my birthday party.

********************************************

After we picked out a light blue dress for me to wear, we go out to browse the Winter Marketplace. There are people trying to sell us things from apples, to zinc pills. I hear many loud voices yelling such things as:

“Strawberries! Buy my delicious strawberries!”

“Broccoli, Cauliflower, Tomatoes! Zeke’s Produce has it all!”

“Do you need a bigger living room, sir? We could gladly enlarge your room, even your entire house! And we have CHEAP prices!” Oak motions for me to come into a little alley.

“Katniss,” says Oak “I’m an old man with sensitive ears. Could we go someplace quieter? How about the park?”

“Sure, Pap- Oak,” I reply. He is like a father to me, as I’ve already mentioned, and sometimes I can’t help myself from thinking about how life would be If I had a Papa and Mama.

Spring Park has moss on the ground instead of rock, and a few little trees. Each tree is a protected species in District XIII, and has a little fence around it. We spend a lot of time running around and feeding these little rat-like animals that I don’t remember the name of.
*********************************************
District XIII has outdone themselves for my birthday party. When I enter the Summer Hall in the Big House (the nickname for the government building) I see long tables, with white tablecloths on them. Confetti falls from a trapdoor in the celing. Everyone in our town of District XIII came to celebrate my birthday. I’m pretty sure it’s a mandatory activity. Even the mayor, Finnick, and the Battlecoach, Haymitch, the two most important people in town, came.

We had my favorite dish, Fried Grooseling, which is very expensive. Well, the entire town pays for this, so might as well have something expensive. I don’t like my birthday party much because all these people are here. Why are they here? I’m just a little 5 year old girl. Why am I so special?

“Thanks for the party everyone, I’m going to bed now.” I say. Everyone begs me to stay.

They all say, “Please stay, little girl, please stay, Katniss Evergreen.” Some of the people pronounce my last name “Everdeen” instead of “Evergreen” which is the name that the mayor gave me.

***********************************************
“Poor girl, I believe all this publicity is having a negative effect on her. When do we start training her?” I ask Finnick.

“Ah, in a few years or so, Haymitch. The scientists suggest that ages 10 to 12 are the best for being trained for advanced neural-transmogrification.” He replies.

“Well then, I guess I will have to keep training these other tributes.” I say.

“Yes. We need them to operate their out of ground operatives, so the Capitol doesn’t suspect what we are doing.”

“Fine.”

“Goodnight, Haymitch, my friend.”

“Goodnight Finnick.”
Last edited by Aristotle on Wed Jul 14, 2010 2:48 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Live and don't learn, thats us - Calvin

Alas, poor Yorick - wait, why the heck am I holding this skull? - Me

I can count to potato - The guy who lives next door
  





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Wed Jun 23, 2010 7:45 pm
midnightread says...



Hi Aristotle
I love the beginning of this story.
I can't wait to read more so I can find out what neural-transmogrification is.
I didn't see any mistakes so I have no nit-picks.
When you post more can you pm me please?
midnightread :elephant:
The only true wisdom is in knowing you know nothing.
A wise man does not need advice and a fool won't take it.


Growing old is mandatory,
Growing up is optional.


Rugby is a thugs game played by gentle men,
Football is a gentleman's game played by thugs.
  





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Thu Jun 24, 2010 11:24 am
Aristotle says...



sure. I'll have the next post up by Wednesday, and I'll pm you when i post it.

Also, what trans neural transmogrification is will be reveal in part 2 Ages 10-12
Live and don't learn, thats us - Calvin

Alas, poor Yorick - wait, why the heck am I holding this skull? - Me

I can count to potato - The guy who lives next door
  





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Sun Jul 25, 2010 2:46 pm
Wariofart says...



Hi, I've read the prolouge and chapter 1, but decided I would give a review for this.

Plot: I've read The Hunger Games awhile ago, and am trying to remember the mythology. (spoilers for people who haven't read the two books, obviously) This is after the first civil war, where the Capital supposedly destroyed District 13, right? But we know that they are living underground, which is what you're describing here.
So far, the story is presented in tiny pieces that, while provide a bit of information, mostly confuse. There are tons of questions I have about District 13. How many people are living underground, how big is it, how can there be lights underground, etc, etc. Right now, these small pieces don't really tell up that much about this amazing world Katniss lives in. If you could spend more time and give us more details, the piece would become a lot more believable and interesting.
On the plus side, you do also raise question that excite the reader. Why is Katniss treated like a celebrate-tree? (I laughed at that part) And what is advanced neural-transmogrification?

Characters:I have some problems with Katniss's character. Being a fan-fic, the characters are already established mostly. The already have past, and they already have futures. So it's confusing that you seem to twist everything we know about Katniss around. We already know that she grew up with her Mother, Father and sister. So how can she be living in District 13 at the age when she should be in District 12? The only possible explanation is that Katniss's 'real life' (book canon) is all a lie, and they give her fake memories. IF that's the case, that's a really cool idea.
I liked Haymitch's character a lot. He was the Haymitch I love, scheming, active and full of secrets.

Overall: This is a good first chapter. If you could just expand on it and give us more description, and not these tiny snippets, it would be a lot better though. You've already placed the foundation for an epic storyline, now expand on it. You're a pretty good writer for your age. Hope this helps and keep writing!
"This is a song for a scribbled out name
That my love keeps writing again and again
And again"
  








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