Young Writers Society

This is all I have so far (for the full reason I wrote this go to my profile and look at the novel I have listed.), and I hope you all like it! This will probably end up being the second chapter. I have some great ideas for other beginnings.

Chapter One

After departing from Kings Cross that one autum morning, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, and, Harry decided to spend lunch at the Leaky Cauldron. They all got in the car's their familys occupied only minutes ago, and took off.
"Can you believe Albus is starting school already?" said Harry.
"No. It seems like only this morning he was crying, begging to go with James and Lily," said Ginny.
"Sounds like someone right before their first year, Ginny?" said Ron with a sarcastic tone.
"Oh stop it Ron." said Ginny, her cheeks turning slightly pink.
They had just ordered their meals and sat down.
"Ron, we need to talk to Seamus about his work lately. He seems to take a tendency to slack off when we've got nothing to do." said Harry.
"Harry, he's just bored cause' there's no job for him to have stuff blow up in his face every day."That's all he seemed to do in school, besides Dumbledore's army." said Ron laughing.
"Well, he ovbiously got great enough marks to become an auror," said Harry.
"How he ever managed to do that, I'll never know" said Ron.
The bunch continued their afternoon outing together, sharing laughs from things that happened in school, talking about if their kids would do the same thing, but quickly they all agreed that they hoped none of them had to go through what they did while in Hogwarts.
A short while later George Weasley and Angelina Johnson came into the Leaky Cauldron, so did Luna Lovegood and her husband Rolf.
Soon all of their old friends were sitting and joining them at the table sharing drinks and catching up.
Then Draco Malfoy walked in. Harry grew silent as him and Malfoy exchanged glances, and slowly he rose from his chair and clapped Malfoy on the back.
"Good to see you, Draco. Fancy a drink with me and some friends?"
Draco then introduced his wife, Astoria Greengrass to the rest of the table.

Before long it was nearly five o'clock. Most had left, but now it were mainly Ron, Hermione, Harry, Ginny, Luna, Rolf, and Draco.
"Rolfey, I think it's time we should leave. My turnquipuliers haven't look so good the past week," said Luna to Rolf. After some goodbye's from Luna and her husband and Draco and his wife, it were just the four.
"Are you both doing anything this weekend, mate?" Ron asked Harry.
"Were thinking about making a suprise visit to Albus. If that is allowed according to the ministry... is it Hermione?" said Harry, giving Hermonie a funny look.
"I can't keep making up new laws for you both! I think Kingsly is getting suspicious... but if you and Ron would pay attention to others, and not ramble about quidditch all day -"
"Especially when all the facts are coming from your wife Harry!" said Ginny.
"My point exactly!" said Hermione. "And if you had payed attention, you would have heard that parents can visit whenever they would like. They need to send a message of request to the Head Mistress first," said Hermione.
"Who is the -" began Harry.
"For heavens sakes! Does anyone read the Prophet these days? Surely you should have heard Harry, that Professer McGonagall was made head mistress after Trelawney died?" said Hermione.
"Well they should have made her head mistress after Snape, but for what ever reason..." said Ginny.

The after noon led to night fall before the four left the Leaky Culdren. Harry and Ron went and looked in the new quidditch accesory store that opened after "Quality Quidditch Supplies" closed. And Hermione and Ginny went looking for something to send Albus, and Ron and Hermione's daughter, Rose.

Interesting, but could use some more work.

First, a space between new paragraphs and speaking/quotations would be nice and easier on the eyes. Organization is important. Readers tend to drift away from stories with large paragraphs or where stuff just looks mashed together. It might stress them out and make them lose their place.

And while speaking can be placed inside or at the end of a paragraph, when written like this it should be the start of a new one. I've added spaces to show you what I mean. Like so,

After departing from Kings Cross that one autum morning, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, and, Harry decided to spend lunch at the Leaky Cauldron. They all got in the car's their familys occupied only minutes ago, and took off.

"Can you believe Albus is starting school already?" said Harry.

"No. It seems like only this morning he was crying, begging to go with James and Lily," said Ginny.

Second thing I noticed, there was too many of 'he said, she said' going on. Switch it up a little. Use words like asked, yelled, joked, sniffed, barked, and sometimes you can figure out a way to use other things to substitute for 'said'. Sound is a very useful tool in writing. While you may be able to paint the picture, without everything else like sounds, actions, touch, and smell, it'll only be a doodle compared to what it could be.

And description is still important even if you're writing fanfiction. While the reader may have known everything about the original author's version of that character, a good fanfic writer still describes the character's looks, feelings, and past. A good fanfic writer creates their own version of that character, no matter how small of a difference, even if it's just a different writing style or if they make the character do one small thing different then the original. In your case, your Harry is older and has a family now. Your Harry is the continuation of the one seen at the end of the Harry potter series, or maybe one living even more years after that. Describe to us what this older Harry Potter looks like, please? Tell us about this Harry Potter? How has he come to view the world?

Okay, now the technical stuff.

I see a few spelling mistakes here and there. Do you have a word processor like Microsoft Office or Openoffice? I personally use Openoffice since it's free. Don't worry about the mistakes though, it can be easily corrected. Everyone makes them.

After departing from Kings Cross that one autum morning, Ron, Hermione, Ginny, and, Harry decided to spend lunch at the Leaky Cauldron. They all got in the car's their familys had occupied only minutes ago, and took off.

Anything added, or changed is in red. This confused me. They're wizards, they could just apparate to the Leaky Cauldron or at least somewhere near it, unless there's a reason they drove cars there? And why would they need multiple cars? Surely only one would be enough because it's just them? But I guess taking multiple cars would only make sense if they'd just dropped off their families at Kings Cross. However, I'm still trying to understand why they'd use cars in the first place? The beginning also flows a little too fast for my taste.

The beginning is the place where you snatch your readers' attention. There is so much potential here. You could describe Harry sending his children off to Hogwarts, and describe him as well. Near the beginning would be the perfect place to do it.

"Harry, he's just bored 'cause there's no job for him to have stuff blow up in his face every day."That's all he seemed to do in school, besides Dumbledore's army!" laughed Ron.

Red is anything changed or added, and the orange is anything removed. I added an exclamation mark at the end there, because it seemed to fit there. Very much like substituting 'said', using punctuation can get feelings and things across to the reader. When someone yells, or laughs loudly, it's a perfect place to put an exclamation mark. It adds to the sound effect of the story. Helps the reader hear the characters in a matter of speaking.

Before long it was nearly five o'clock. Most had left, but now it was mainly Ron, Hermione, Harry, Ginny, Luna, Rolf, and Draco.

I'm pretty sure 'were' doesn't fit there, so I've changed it to 'was'.

After some goodbye's from Luna and her husband and Draco and his wife, it was just the four.

Same thing here I think. Changed 'were' to 'was'.

"We're thinking about making a suprise visit to Albus. If that is allowed according to the ministry... is it Hermione?" said Harry, giving Hermonie a funny look.

Beware of this. I've seen this many times. Getting were confused with we're. Also, I don't see this so it's just for future reference, watch out for the evil their, they're, and there. Very dangerous words. Haha, couldn't help myself. XD

"I can't keep making up new laws for you both! I think Kingsly is getting suspicious... But if you and Ron would pay attention to others, and not ramble about quidditch all day -"

"Especially when all the facts are coming from your wife Harry!" said Ginny.

"My point exactly!" said Hermione. "And if you had payed attention, you would have heard that parents can visit whenever they would like. They need to send a message of request to the Head Mistress first." said Hermione.

Red is anything added or changed, orange with strikeouts are removed since now we're talking about words. I removed the 'would' before like, because it doesn't sound natural. Or at least to me it doesn't. When writing dialogue, a helpful tip is to think of how you would say something. "message of" seems a little unneeded there, and the "said Hermione" at the end was probably put there by mistake, because it's already been stated that she was speaking.

The afternoon soon led to nightfall as the four left the Leaky Culdren. Harry and Ron went and looked in the new quidditch accesory store that opened after "Quality Quidditch Supplies" closed. And Hermione and Ginny went looking for something to send Albus, and Ron and Hermione's daughter, Rose.

This last paragraph could use some work. You've also miss spelled the Leaky Cauldron. Also got rid of the space between "after" and "noon". Same with "night" and "fall".

Over all:

This one needs some work, but don't be discouraged. Think of what you've posted as a skeleton, a bag of bones if you will. Now it just needs something to 'flesh' it out. Add some description, reread it, and change anything that you think doesn't sound right. Who cares if, once you've added some muscle and skin (description and depth), that it doesn't seem like the greatest thing in the world at first? That's what rough drafts are for. And that's what this forum is for, to help other writers improve.

Hoping you always keep writing,
FeatherBlue.

Hey Lee!

One thing I was really hoping to see in this HP fanfiction, especially since it's set 19 years later, was a deeper look in their characters, possibly through the use of action or something exciting... because we love excitement! With that said, having breakfast together is probably not the most exciting thing. To make it more interesting, do what JK did throughout her story... let the wizarding world shine through. Through her use of candy to the owls to everything else, she created this beautiful world full of odd things. Let this world shine through.

And... correct all the typos, please?

Hi, I am a huge Harry Potter fan so I am very excited to read your story. Let's get started...

I think you need more of an engaging beginning. Describe the setting at the Leaky Cauldron, perhaps. And after describing this setting you could say, Ron, Harry, Hermione and Ginny had just left Kings Cross, etcetera.. and talk about why they were there.

said Ron with a sarcastic tone.

"Said Ron sarcastically" short and sweet, you know?

They had just ordered their meals and sat down.

They ordered before sitting down? I think with this sentance you can do more showing then telling. Say something like "so and so did this as they were sitting down" or something like "they all paused their convorsation as the waiter came by to take their order"

"Well, he ovbiously got great enough marks to become an auror," said Harry.

*good

"How he ever managed to do that, I'll never know" said Ron.

Use something else instead of said, perhaps "Ron laughed"?

A short while later George Weasley and Angelina Johnson came into the Leaky Cauldron, so did Luna Lovegood and her husband Rolf.
Soon all of their old friends were sitting and joining them at the table sharing drinks and catching up.
Then Draco Malfoy walked in. Harry grew silent as him and Malfoy exchanged glances, and slowly he rose from his chair and clapped Malfoy on the back.

For this part you might want to work on showing rather than telling. You could say something along the lines of... "The old door creaked open and George Weasley came in followed by his wife Angelina Johnson..." (if they are married, I can't remember). "...Luna Lovegood and Rolf followed close by..." obviously not exactly that but you get the idea. Simalerly, describe their greeting, did they know they were going to be there? Are they surprised to see each other? How long has it been since they have seen each other?
What was happening as Draco walked in? How did the others react?
(I hope that wasn't too much, I'm just trying to be helpful)

I like how it seems tense as Draco walks in but Harry greets him nicely.

My turnquipuliers haven't look so good the past week," said Luna

I love that - very good capturing Luna's character.

"Were thinking about making a suprise visit to Albus. If that is allowed according to the ministry... is it Hermione?" said Harry, giving Hermonie a funny look.
"I can't keep making up new laws for you both! I think Kingsly is getting suspicious... but if you and Ron would pay attention to others, and not ramble about quidditch all day -"

Again, I love that, you have got Hermione's character and their friendship. I like how this shows what Hermione does rather than telling.

Overall, I liked this, my favorite is the characters. You don't have much plot yet but that is fine because it is only the first chapter. Work on showing rather than telling and keep up the good work!

Hey Lee,

This just isn't a very exciting Chapter One in any way. As the beginning of a story, it needs to hook the reader, draw them in, leave them wanting more, ready to keep reading. This is a bit too limp, inactive and uninteresting. Furthermore, the characters seem like cardboard cut-outs rather than real, living people. Ron, Harry and Hermione all sound like they're 13 again, and it's just a boring conversation between them, no conflict, no tension, nothing.

If you want to write a good Harry Potter fanfiction, return to the books and study what has made them so successful. I promise it wasn't by writing beginnings like this.

Definitely needs excitement and detail, I got to agree. JK didn't go more than a couple pages at the most without something exciting or intriguing happening. Also, try to crispen up the dialogue and characters' personalities and reactions. That will add to the interest and entertainment level of the story. Now, a few things that really caught my attention-
What was the reason for Harry and the others being on such good terms with Draco? As soon as he walked in the door, I was ready for the confrontation and then... nothing. No explanation to his sudden friendliness, he doesn't join in the discussion, nothing. Anyway, good luck with the edits and writing!